Is it just my problem or is my inability to have meaningful "girl" friendships directly related to AS?
Growing up I never really had a "girlfriend"...I had friends who were girls, but not one that I hung out with, etc...I don't think my parents constant moves helped much in this manner either, although my sister seemed to cope much more.
I have had a few girlfriends in the last 20yrs whom I considered good friends...I tried to ignore some of the things they said and did for years...ie. one was constantly trying to either imitate me or out do me...all my male friends hated her and constantly told me she was not my true friend...I stayed around because I felt that she had both good and bad qualities. Another whom I truly considered a great friend, and I knew her husband VERY WELL (ie. we went to her house every Friday for years and hung out with her and her husband and son...) cheated on her husband...I knew she was cheating, it made me feel horrible not to tell her husband (my husband also knew them, we all hung out together, as well as my parents, siblings, etc...) Well, she was still there for me when I moved, helped me out greatly, helped me with my son, etc...so I just attempted to mind my own business...that was until after 10yrs my then boyfriend and I (we had an 8yr old by then) decided to get married...I thought both of them would be happy, but instead they drove me nuts...I had a very simple wedding...at a hole in the wall restaurant, in the parking lot we actually had our ceremony...just 50 people or so, no fancy dress (a 27USD short dress), we spent less than 1K on the entire wedding including bar, food, location, decorations, etc...my DH and I made everything for the wedding...Anyway, the girlfriend who had cheated on her husband was to be my maid of honor...instead I had none because she was constantly asking me if "I was sure I wanted to get married"..."that I shouldn't get married", etc...She knows all the problems I have had in the past, financial, with my husband's ex, kid, our autistic son, etc...and for once I was happy and looking forward to something positive...she constantly put down the entire idea...The other girlfriend wanted to make me a bouquet...I told her I didn't need one but she insisted...I agreed, but told her I just wanted a couple of daisies tied with a ribbon and that was it (heck, I was getting married in a parking lot w/a 27USD short dress!)...she said ok and two days before the wedding told me off because she wanted "ivy, baby's breath, roses, etc...and I did not...She knew I had many people I wanted to invite, but could not because the restaurant was tiny and they would not fit...the same TWO DAYS before the wedding she tells me her husband and son might not come until late (after ceremony, lunch, etc...) and was offended when I told her I really needed to know to give a count to the restaurant...and heck, once again that was two chairs I could've used for someone who would have come and I couldn't invite...ie. my two best guy friends that I have had for over 20yrs!
After my wedding that was it, neither talked to me...they told me I was selfish for wanting my wedding "my way" and not accepting their "help"...I hate to bother people, I am very picky and that's why I made everything myself...in more than enough time, no last minute running around, no day before going to bed late to decorate, nothing...it was all planned in 1 1/2 months...
By the way, they BOTH knew that I had received news that my sister was kicked out of her house by her husband just TWO WEEKS before my wedding and my entire family was torn up because of this...she had been married for 20yrs...in addition, they BOTH knew that 4 days before my wedding my husband was told he had a job outside the country and had to be on a plane in TWO WEEKS...none of this seemed to make them understand the incredible stress I was under...again, I did NOT turn into Bridezilla...on the contrary, my mom and husband were constantly praising me because when I ordered a dress and it turned out horrendous (3 weeks before the wedding), I didn't lose it and I just laughed and went to the outlet mall and bought a dress...they know how picky I am and were super impressed that I had everything perfect, simple and cheap and completely done a week before...my niece was going to be in the wedding just so that she could keep my autistic son from running away, etc...I bought her a nice little dress (cheap at the outlet mall again and not some nasty bridesmaid dress) and I didn't even blink an eye when my sister told me my niece wanted to wear it to a "highschool dance" just a week before the wedding...I told everyone they could wear "casual nice" clothes, nothing fancy except no jeans or shorts...
Anyway, now I feel that I have no girlfriends at all...actually, I don't...I wonder if I did something wrong, but at the same time all my other "acquaintances" and even my sister whom used to think I would become a Bridezilla feel that I was NOT in the wrong and that these two were horrendous friends to make this wedding about themselves and cause so much stress when I didn't ask anything of them, I wasn't unreasonable with either, I didn't make them do anything for me, etc...
Now I find myself being even more resentful of all women...in a way that I just don't trust them anymore...that I really feel that most are just out to get what they can from you and then do nothing in return...
Am I alone in this? Is this an AS thing? Did I just pick crappy friends? Are most NT women so jealous that this is how they are?
20 Jul 2010, 12:22 pm
