Selfish Thoughts

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"Sh*t or Get off the pot"

I have come to a junction in my life. I am bored and tired of the status quo. I work 45 hours a week in a convenience store, its mostly pleasant, but its getting boring and tedious. I cant change jobs, i was lucky to get my current one, my manager is the greatest most caring and understanding boss i have ever had, my regular customers love me, and the pay, while not great, is able to supplement my mothers income. (I live with my mother and 14 yo sister, her father is out of the picture, i live at home to help w/expenses)

Im getting tired and burned out on my work. I do not discuss this with mom, she works two jobs, one of which is overnight, so in my mind i have no right to complain. I want a change, i want to do something different. There is a part of me that wants to walk into my local greyhound station and buy a one way ticket to the west coast and start a new life, leave the east coast behind. I have the money to do it, i have looked up fares and schedules online, but i just cant bring myself to abandon the people that matter.

The thing is, i have commitments here, my boss needs me right now, my mother could not make it without my help, i do not want to leave my sister without some kind of father figure, she is about to start high school, she needs all the help she can get.

I am self-diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder and this time of year (starting late july) gets me thinking about the coming cold, dark snowy maine winter that is right around the corner, i dont think i can do it again. I do not believe in shrinks or drugs, all i have is my faith. Since i ride a bicycle everywhere and my church is several miles away, i can only attend in the nicer months. I fall into a pattern of "soul darkness" that will last until april at least.

Do i escape my troubles? or do i keep trying to push on?
(by escape i mean move, not off myself or anything)

I also have seasonal affective disorder, and instead of taking antidepressants, I started on vitamin D3
which actually worked better then any happy pill I have been on. I know that Maine winters can suck worse
then winter in Southern Alberta but we still close to the same amount of sunlight mid winter as Maine.

Tricky... unfortunately, it looks like you've a lot of responsibilities. It's completely not fair, but it does seem wrong to walk out on them.

Have you talked to your mum and sister about the stress you feel under? I know you say you don't want to complain, but if the alternative is you upping sticks altogether, then I think it'd be a good idea. Maybe together you can work something out. I know they have lamps for SAD. They're quite expenisive though, so the alternative is to get out in the daylight as often as possible. Even if it's cloudy, it helps.

Try to get some time to yourself each day, even just an hour, where you can relax. I would unfortunately recommend that you hang around at least until your sister is 16. You sound like a good person, and walking out now might come back to haunt you in the future. Sorry.

Just because you're thinking of yourself, it doesn't make you selfish. You actually seem to think a lot about the people who matter to you the most.

I must beg your pardon for answering a question with a question, but experience has taught me time and time again that self-revelations are the best form of teaching there is.

Is there a way to split the difference between moving on and soldiering on? Is there a way you can break out of the doldrums but still find a way to care for the people who you care about? Something that lacks the rush of a one-way bus ticket, but would nevertheless be a meaningful step forward for you? Maybe researching alternatives and planning next steps during the time ahead where your boss needs you? Then when that time has passed, act on them while paying your full respects to him?

I understand the pain you're in, with each day becoming heavier to lift, and with only devotion to god and family to sustain you. If you had a new and different future you could believe in, work towards, and balance with your family obligations - you wouldn't have to fear the seasonal ennui as much as you seem to.

You're asking the right questions, don't stop doing that,

Meursault

If the economy were better, or i had more trade skills, i could do it easily, work and live, and send money back home. But with no specialized skills or a viable way to attain them, i am looking at another 70 years or so behind the counter at a convenience store.




Thank you all for your kind words.

You may be able to plan a future for yourself, but it sounds like now is not the time to act on it, especially for your sister. You seem to be a good person at heart, and I sometimes feel guilty for selfish thoughts too. I've been reflecting on that a bit lately, actually, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably not any more selfish than normal people... I just worry that I might be, since I struggle to interact with people in the same way that others can. It's a challenge to figure out how we can help people and not just seem selfish to everyone, but we can devise our own methods. Because we think so differently, we can help where others won't. There's a reason we're here, we just have to figure out why. I'm still working on that myself, but I feel I'm headed in the right direction.

Many people spend their entire lives in one place doing one thing, so that, in itself, is not something horrible. However, you will likely outlive your mother, and your sister might begin chipping in for her within just the next few years ... and all of that means your future is not already cast in stone.

is it possible you could cut back your hours at work a little bit.

according to this if you have insurance
then a light box will probably be covered with a doc's prescription

http://www.lighttherapyproducts.com/
We started with Light therapy for Winter blues or SAD


Do you experience seasonal depression or the winter blues? Do you experience lower energy levels, weight gain, fatigue, interrupted sleep and irritability each fall and winter? If you can answer "yes" you may be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder SAD... but you can do something about it!

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this is a good place to buy it from:

http://www.sunbox.com/

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