i have no desire for "friends". i do not understand why people need to prattle on with each other.
i do not have whatever is the mindset that causes people to want to go and sit down in front of other people and do nothing except talk about random things of no importance.
wolves howl at the moon all together in some instinctive primal urge. i am not drawn to join in with them in the same way i am not drawn to join in with people who are all standing around talking.
i have no "team spirit" according to my bosses, and they are right, because i can do things better on my own. other people just clog my progress. too many cooks spoil the broth.
i have a "girlfriend" and 2 friends.
my girlfriend is stuck on me partly because she is autistic and no one else gives her the time of day. i do love her, but that is not the same as wanting to socialize.
when she comes over to sleep for one night per week, she expects me to be social with her. she is less deeply affected in many ways than me, but she is mentally handicapped to a mild degree, so it seems to make us even.
when she gets here, she is usually very happy to be here. the first thing we do is have dinner, and i eat whatever i want and i do not stop her from eating whatever she wants.
when she is at her home, her mother disciplines her and does not let her eat fattening foods because she is very overweight. her mother will not let her eat things like pancakes in maple syrup or macaroni cheese etc. her mother makes her eat things like cucumber sandwiches made with brown bread and no butter (yuk).
she has a ravenous appetite and she also has particular dishes in mind that she wants to eat.
i always will either buy or make whatever it is that she wants to eat (it is once per week and i feel a bit sorry for her).
after we have eaten, then things go stale for her.
i try to show her everything i have found during the week that was interesting to me. i do not engage in spontaneous conversation much, but i try to entertain her and make her time here as much fun as i can.
i can not really understand how something that is extremely interesting to me is not interesting to others, and so i embark upon a series of exhibitions that i hope she will be interested in. i show her youtube videos (she has no computer) of interesting things, or pictures of things that are intriguing. i also play music on my synthesizer that i composed during the week, and i show the fractal animations i calculated.
after about 1/2 hour, she is yawning severely and wants to lie down. my music is kind of mechanical and although i play it well, it is not evocative of emotion like popular music. she has different tastes to me. my animations are just unfolding patterns to her and they do not mean anything in real life that she identifies with.
my bed is a king size bed that is extremely comfortable, and she always claims that it is heaven to lie in.
my bed is in the main living room as is most of my entertainment, and the bedrooms are just storage space really (i like to not have to go to different rooms, and i like my bed to be near everything i like, and the living room is large so it fits unobtrusively here). before long she is lying down and asking me to come to bed, but i do not go to bed before 1am, so i can not do it.
i ask her what she wants to listen to on the sound system and she will tell me things like madonna or kylie minogue and i play the songs she wants to hear, but she is not really interested because i can not let her songs play fully through because i get impatient and want to move on to the next one and get them out of the way as fast as possible.
after about 20 more minutes, i see she is asleep and i return to doing what i want, and when i finally am ready to go to bed, i climb in, and she partially awakens and puts her arms around me and snuggles her head into my chest, and because i am tired when i lie down, i go to sleep immediately.
she says her favorite part of coming here is sleeping while hugging me. that is cute and i like it because i am asleep and do not notice the pressure like i would if i lied down when i was not tired.
although this scenario would certainly not be adequate for 99.9% of girls, she will not let it go and i have been with her for more than 10 years.
so that is a description of my lack of social ability, and also a description of why it does not matter to her.
my other 2 friends are male and i tolerate them consulting me on the phone for a short while each week.
1 of them comes around about once every 4 weeks for a few hours and is actually interested in things i am interested in (like the types of videos i post in the "post a video" thread and the types of music i play to my fractal animations).
i also talk about the observations i have made and he asks me questions which i answer.
but after a few hours i have nothing left to show or say, and then i become tired of talking to him and i ask him to go. he understands i am different and does not feel insulted because he knows i am disabled in that way.
the other friend is a bit of a freak who thinks i am extremely intelligent in a very obscure way and he picks my brains about things that he agonizes over like girlfriends. i am quite uncharitable to him and i say "sorry but i am the last person you should consult about these types of things", and he says "i just need your perspective! i know you are autistic, but your perspective will probably shine a new light on things that i never thought of".
so i will talk for about 20 minutes on the phone to him, but i eventually tell him i am finished with the call and i hang up on him.
no one else i ever meet sees any reason to stick around after a few weeks, and that is good luck for me because i am too busy doing my own things to entertain them or interact.
22 Jul 2010, 11:28 pm
They don't get me, never will and I'm tired of listening to gossip stories to which I can't relate at all. I lack the capability to feel attached to anyone - the emotional chip was omitted when they assembled me.
