how very much i do not want to be one of you...

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...one of us.

I came to our shared explanation very late, it being speculated upon me some two years ago or so, but only really embraced within the last, this my 38th year. And in this diagnosis I find both salvation and hell.

There was relief that came with having a name to call my, formerly uniquely mine, failures with the human race, knowing that their origin lies less in the thoughts I have struggled to organize and more in the brain I was randomly assigned. But on this another Saturday night alone, a block from the beach, sitting at a cafe watching a smiling, coupled, friended world pass by, there is little comfort to be had in new definitions and unwanted identities.

And there is a kind of horror that comes from realizing that this is my only me, that I am emerged and not emerging, that I am not going to be much better than I am. I used to feel that were I to lose my shyness (which I lost), were I to gain my confidence (which I grew), were I to join groups (which I now lead), were I to make myself available (as I now am) then I too would finally resonate with the rhythm the rest of the world seems to hear, and my interactions would find a comfortable fluidity... Surely then I would be on the inside of a circle of friends, rather than just a distant orbiting peripheral. But as far as I have come, the fundamentals remain. Though I pass for mostly normal, though few within my arm's length world may guess, my errors manifest themselves in lonely Saturday nights, vacant social calendars, and not for lack of trying... Everyone likes me, but not quite enough to see me as a natural addition to their coterie. And though I search, and search, and search for the error I keep making, some demon I can exorcise, the flaw is too big for me to see, for it is everywhere and everything, the great meta, inclusive of my every thought.

I am still trying to make sense of it all, working to reframe my existence, rework my life, find a functional self and a happier me. But there are moments when I mourn what I have only recently lost, the illusion of my neuro-typicality.

^Q

Can I still say "welcome to WP"?

You're not the only one who feels this way. Others here have written that finding out they have AS wiped out any chances they had of being "normal."

I'm not going to toss platitudes at you like "who wants to be normal anyway?" because it looks to me like you do and it hurts very much that you're...well, something else.

I will say, however, that it is not the "end" of everything. Not by a long shot. You can still have relationships and whatever else "normal" people have. Maybe now that you know, you can start to figure out the specific things that have kept you isolated.

Talk to us. When you try to be included, what goes wrong? Even if it seems "too big for [you] to see," maybe someone here can see it. I'll give it a shot if you like.

Again (if you want to hear this), welcome.

I feel the same way. Welcome to the lonely world of autism. Just tonight, I've been stood up again on an outing. I've made my mind up. SCREW the NT world and their stupid quirks. With the exception of a few, they are not even worth a second thought from me. I will fix their computers, locks and do other stuff for them if I get paid, but I think it is time to treat them like they have treated me for all these years. Besides my family and congregation, I will only associate with fellow spectrumites.

Thanks. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

Well, it's complicated. It's not entirely that I want to be "normal", I always accepted that there were non-normal things about be, but I do have the normal human desire for companionship, connection, love, etc. So in that sense I have normal longings which are hard to ignore and deny.

And as for the errors I make, it's really hard to describe them because they are subtle and yet obviously there. It ranges from errors in expectation, errors in reaction, error in interpreting their interest, etc.

Interactions often mean more to me than they likely do for the other person, for that reason often I react in a way that probably differs from what would be normal, and when I often fail to come to any conclusion when I try to judge their feelings/thoughts so I err on the side of caution and give up. I'm trying some different approaches now, mostly just acknowledging my likelihood of making these sorts of errors and thus trying to have different responses, and I suppose it does improve the burden on me, though as yet not the outcome so much.

It's a learning process. I'm trying to see what is possible, what works best, accepting that the lack of evidence that I can succeed without adapting to and accepting some major areas of weakness.

I sympathize, two weeks ago I got stood up, and I still have no idea how or what happened. She asked me to ask her again, but then... Anyway. You know what I mean, I accept that I have no idea what goes on inside their heads.

What you said about "I will only associate with fellow spectrumites..." is part of what distresses me in my new acceptance of myself. Hopefully this won't offend you or anyone else... since I mean it only honestly and ignorantly and without any knowledge of anyone or anything... I'm a bit worried about the thought of being left with only "spectrumites" as possible friends... I've not yet met any spectrumites in real life that I can say I wanted to be friends with... Many of the Asperger's traits are ones I react very negatively (like being stuck in conversations with people who have no awareness that I have zero interest in what they are saying... and being stuck talking to people who have really narrow and specific areas of detailed interest and seem to want to share that...). If I don't enjoy NT interactions and I don't enjoy non-NT interactions even less, ugh.

Now my dislike of non-NT behavior may be because it's reasonable, or because I picked up NT prejudices, or because (partly likely I suspect) because I have secret desires to do those non-NT things myself, and I'm suppressing those urges so very strongly and that makes me very anti-those behaviors (sort of like that secretly gay politician who recently apologized and explained his voting against gay marriage was part of his cover up).

That makes two of us, but I'm trying to play the best hand I can with the cards I was dealt.

Hi ryan2099,

I'm in very much the same boat - I'm 37, and I only started reading up on autism & Asperger's about 6 months ago. I'm constantly finding things about myself and my oddities & quirks which fall under the Aspie umbrella and I've worried myself stupid thinking about it sometimes.

The thing I've found, though, is that nothing's actually changed - I'm still exactly the same person I've always been. If I'm an Aspie, it's because I've always been an Aspie and just hadn't figured out until now that this is what an Aspie is. This doesn't make me feel any less alone, but it gives me what seems to be a better description and understanding of myself, and maybe that will lead to resolutions for some of the problems I've had in my life.

As others have said, maybe not what you want to hear; just stating my own perspective

Hope you're well o7

I'm not lonely, I'm just different. Anyways, it's good that you can be honest, about your feelings.

I truly enjoyed the way you wrote that post. I can completely relate, and I love when someone finds a way to write about it that resonates with me.
While I understand mourning for the "normalcy" that you will likely never find, I also think there is something wonderful about knowing who and what you are. While communication may not come easy for those afflicted, there are people who can appreciate the enormous creativity and intelligence that lies within many aspies. I tend to think most of those who can appreciate it are also aspies (because NTs seem to have their shallow heads buried with their little groups of other NTs.....but I don't want to sound like I am making judgements. just a general observation from a biased perspective.)

Welcome greetings to the WP community, ryan2099.

Welcome to WP!

As Thoreau said "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Take little comfort in knowing for each couple you see on the beach, there are dozens sitting at home wondering which DVD to watch again.

Thanks.

I do feel there is something positive to be had in my growing acceptance of the Aspie explanation for what otherwise were failures unexplained. But right now it's only a vague feeling, perhaps just the relief that comes with any explanation... How this may change my perception of myself or the course of my life is unknown, but it would seem more likely for the better (if only a greater internal peace and not an external higher functioning).

I joined this forum a few years ago, and while I found many people whose words resonated eerily, the one major thing that turned me off, and explains some of my fear of embracing this community is the us versus them, Aspie versus NT, polarization. It feels uncomfortable for me to hear people talk about NTs. It's usually used as a sort in a negative sense, as a kind of slur. It reminds me exactly of gay friends of mine talking about "breeders" (heterosexuals) or motorcycle friends of mine talking about "cagers" (people in cars). They may not always use the words negatively in a sentence but it's used often enough you feel the negative every time it's used. The words drip of the anger and frustration the speaker feels. And that concerns me, because every time a slur gets used it's done to separate and segregate, to further isolate yourself from the other group, and invariably it's unjust. I certainly feel a lot of frustration, too. And in my own private thoughts I have weaker moments when a few thoughts might be more angry and tortured than others, and I have written to express those emotions. I think there is a line between acknowledging and expressing reasonable frustration/anger we feel and directing the anger at those who aren't really responsible for creating it. NTs can't help the way they are any more than we can express the way we are. Anyway, it's a bit of a tangent, and I'm not saying you were saying that; you were careful about acknowledging that, I just mean this as a more general concern I have with the Aspie community. Maybe it's right and I'm wrong, maybe it's therapeutic,
maybe I overestimate the degree to which NT is used this way, it just sure feels wrong to me.