How to handle Church?

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Our family went to Church for the first time today. It has been harder to get my husband into one than the kids. Now that we have found one my husband likes, are there any ideas for how to help my 4 year old with Aspergers handle it?

Today being the first day, the congregation was very nice and kind, but here is a sample of what it was like for her. You can imagine the tone and volume.

"I'm not going in there! This is not a place for children! Where are the dinosaurs? I will not go into any church that doesn't have dinosaurs. No No No this is all wrong, you are going the wrong way, we are not sitting here, this is not the place for a child to sit. THERE ARE NO DINOSAURS IN HERE."

then, after the service began

"HELP! I need to escape. I am trapped in this place. I am TRAPPED! I am trying to escape. I will now escape by slithering under this chair. I am escaping. I am slithering. I am escaping. PLEASE RELEASE ME! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I can not be in this place. This is not a child-like environment and I will escape it.

I will not sit quietly. I can not read my book in here. I can not sit quielty and read my book in this environemnt. It is too crowded. It is too crowded for me in here. HELP You are hurting me! (She was sitting on my lap, I was hugging her very loosely) HELP HELP HELP you are HURTING ME! You are keeping me TRAPPED in here!"

As a note, there were only 15 people in the entire congregation, so it was deffinately not crowded. I tried bribing her with candy (we are normally a NO candy, no sugar family, so I had every hope candy would work. I had explained before going in that we would sit in the back and that she could bring her dinosaur book in and quietly read about dinosaurs if she didn't want to participate. Any ideas would be appreciated. I tried taking her out of the chapel to the coffee/ reception room and she had exactly the same reaction.

Do they have a Sunday School? It's a lot to ask a 4 year old to endure. I'm sorry but I couldn't help but sympathize with your little girl. I have always felt really weird in a church, even as a young child. There is where I felt the most alien.

I wasn't quite so disruptive in church, but I do recall objecting to being taken there every Sunday morning. I remember as a toddler trying to convince people that the cross was actually the letter "T."

Does your church have some kind of a nursery?

Hi Penguin Mom-
I am sorry you had to go through this with your daughter. I am not sure what advice to give you. Fortunately, my 5 yr old son does pretty good with church. However, we have been taking him there since he was a newborn, and he does not seem to have issues with crowds. He does like to talk out loud a lot though. He is getting better all the time because we offer to give him ice cream when he gets home if he can be really good at church. It works pretty good. He does not draw or play with any toys or anything to distract him. I just hold him and keep whispering in his ear "no talking out loud" I really can't take him in a cry room area because he can't stand to be around crying babies.

We are Catholic, and they offer different services through the day, so sometimes my husband and I will attend different times. Maybe you could try this for awhile since your husband is just getting into it.

Also, another idea---I saw a young girl at our church with ear muffs over her ears. Maybe you could try this so that she wouldn't be bombarded with the sounds. And maybe she could bring a toy dinosaur with her to hold onto.

All I can say is that if it is important to you to do this, then maybe if you just keep at it, in time, she will become more comfortable with it.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you the best!

PenguinMom, where are you at?

I cood never sti still in church, I still can't to this day.

I usually don't go to church anymore but if someone
takes me, I always end up in the kids' church.

Ideally she would be able to go to a creche or Sunday School, but with such a small congregation I'm guessing that that is probably not an option.

Would you be able to take her into the chapel when there is no service on and no one else there simply so that she can familarise herself with the environment and get some sense of it being one of "her" places? I'm sure I've seen books for children that age about going to church and what happens in church, but I can't remember any titles and in any case what happens in one church can be totally different from what happens in another.

You don't say anything about the service itself. Is it the kind of church which encourages children to take part in any way, or is happy for children to move around or dance during the service?

My son is now 8 and has been in and around a few different churches since he was a toddler as I am training for ministry. As a minister, I would want to talk to you and your daughter to see what I could do to make her feel more at ease in church. Is there any way she can be involved in the service itself, or would want to be? Would she be happier if she had a little "den" to hide in - maybe blankets over a couple of chairs, or a big box she could sit in to read her books?

It's hard to give much advice without knowing you, your daughter or the church, but I would recommend that you speak to the minister/pastor/priest about this and ask for their help and support.

Good luck!

We were willing to change churches, faith, anything to find a Sunday school for my AS son at that age, rather than force him to sit through church. Turned out our local parish had the perfect program (not advertised). He went into the big church for 10 minutes, and then into a special program for kids. He made me stay with him pretty much the full first year, but eventually he learned to go by himself, and eventually he started to leave the program early to join us back in the big church, and now he does church just fine (although any suggestions he consider being an alter boy are met with an "are you joking? I can't sit STILL up there!"

The goal is to raise a child that does not have negative associates with church, so they will be truly open to learning the faith. Everything else is secondary. Be flexible, and be open to trying different denominations if they offer programs better suited to your child's needs.

We still make sure my son has read along material with him, and he is promised an hour long mommy cuddle (he is a total sensory seeker when it comes to touch).

My son has developed a lovely sense of faith. I feel really lucky that way.

I don't think she's ready for church.

If you're happy with this place is it possible that someone can watch her so you can go without her? If that's completely unacceptable, can she bring some small toys and sit in the back portion of the building?

You could try bringing her when there is no service and it's quiet to give her an opportunity to develop a comfort level with the building. It may also help if you can speak to a sympathetic pastor that you could introduce her to. Even better if the pastor had or could develop an interest in dinosaurs...

I think the others answered already. But, could you discretely and privately inform your minister/pastor? Maybe s/he has some ideas. Maybe you could bring her favorite book(s), a stuffed toy dinosaur (of course!), fidget toys, or even an iPod (blocks out extraneous noise too).

Many Churches do have children's programs but understood if your congregation is small this may not be an option. You could bring her to your Church not on a Sunday, like to familiarize/acclimate her first, then try again for service on Sunday. Novel places can be hard otherwise, especially when filled with strangers, and no dinosaurs!

Since your Church does not have a separate children's room, you could bring a modest sleeping bag, with permission, for her to 'hide' in to have that needed private space. Perhaps over time she'll come to appreciate your Church more.

Separately: How wonderful you are training for the ministry, Marcia! Best wishes to you. Quasi-PM - I look forward to meeting you soon in Glasgow - I'll update soon.

Thanks for all the advice. I will try whatever.

1) Some of the problem is that I was not raised as a "church" goer. My family, if anything, was Jewish. Some of the problem is that this being our FIRST day in church she is highly intuitive of the her parents' closet stress. I had never been to a Church service myself, so I'm pretty ill prepared to prepare her for it.

2) Now that my family is joining the congregation, the church will have enough kids to start a Sunday school.

3) I can not imagine how she will handle Sunday school. She makes a very clear distinction between fact and fantasy. She has a low tolerance for fantasy. She'll probably tell the Sunday school teacher all about evolution.

4) If I let her bring a toy in, she will very loudly ROAR and SQUEEEE the entire time.

Before moving out of the city we did go to the Museum of Natural History 2 or 3 Sundays a month, so she has every reason to expect dinosaurs on Sunday. I am also very proud of her for being able to so clearly articulate exactly how and why she is upset, that's why I wrote so much, deep down I LOVE her eloquent protestations.

JohnBrowning, why do you want to know where we are at?

Hi PenguinMom,
I am an ordained Episcopal priest and single parent. My Aspie son-- now 14 -- has been in church with me since he was born. Can I offer advice? If you've found a church you like, then here are some ideas that might help your child be more comfortable.
1. Sensory comfort first-- earplugs if the music is too loud, cushions for pews that are too hard, or even permission to lay on the floor under the pew: all of these helped my son
2. Permission to opt out of the main area into a "safe" place-- my son likes sensory pressure, so being allowed to nestle in a big bean bag chair in the parish hall when he need to helped a lot
3. Educate your own faith: All the AS kids I've worked with have lots of questions about faith that aren't satisfied by "fuzzy" answers. There are good "hard" theological ideas behind most faith doctrines. If your church isn't offering adult education and formation, find one that does! My son at 14 is one of the best theologians I know and can challenge any Sunday School Teacher -- all because it has been a part of his daily life.

If you are in CT, I just met one of the folks who run a wonderful program in CT called "Rivers of Grace"-- a monthly church service SPECIFICALLY for AS children, adults, families, etc. It is sensory friendly, focused on appropriate development tasks all the while offering the opportunity for worship, fellowship and faith formation. I can't remember the etiquette for posting links, so if you email me, I will be happy to send you a link to their website.

Blessings
--RevRebec

I consider myself to be Jewish agnostic: I accept and practice the cultural and historical aspects of Judaism, but question the existence of God (why? just look at the world around us), and consider the godly aspects in the Torah/Bible to be spiritual explanations for physical events that took place when it was written. I still attend services in synagogues, but mainly because I enjoy the rituals themselves and the community aspect of them.

What does the pastor talk about and/or focus on during the service? Is it the historical facts about Israelites like in Exodus and Kings, the words of wisdom from Ecclesiastes, the poetic Psalms, the life of Jesus and consequences of not being saved by his grace (neither of which I recognize, but still), or something else I didn't mention? Perhaps the focus of the service simply doesn't "speak" to your daughter. She may enjoy hearing about Jesus's youth, while the pastor focuses on something abstract like God's grace. Hence, the discomfort and restlessness. If the church has youth groups that offer information that interests your daughter, let her spend most of the time there, and only sit in the main hall for ten minutes out of respect for the pastor.

Regardless of my religious affiliation (or lack thereof), I know enough about religion to offer advice about it, so I hope this information helps.

I changed church when my daughter was 3. We used to go to the Catholic church but I was sick of people tutting and giving me evil glares because she couldn't sit still and would start singing "happy birthday to you" every time the candles on the altar came into view.

We then went to a free church and the first few times I tried to keep her quiet and restrained. Then partway through the worship, when she was screaming and fighting to get free, the minister stopped the service and walked over to me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I was however very surprised by what he said. He said that he could see that I was getting very stressed about how my daughter was behaving and that I wasn't to worry about it. She could run around and scream and shout as much as she liked. He said that this was God's house and God accepts everyone just as they come to him, even children.

He then showed her a wall at the side covered in paper and told her she could draw all over it if she liked, a pile of flags and ribbons of all different colours and textures that she could run around with and wave to her hearts content. The also had a box of children's instruments, trumpets, drums, bells, shakey things and he told her she could play with those if she wanted to make noise too. Then the service continued and she spent the whole time happily sat on the podium floor next to him, plaiting all the ribbon flags together.

My daughter loved this church. When she was old enough she went to the Friday night youth club and the Wednesday night girls club. She even happily went away camping with the youth team. She wouldn't do any other social activities outside of home, other than this church. Sadly, since moving to Sweden, she has lost all that. I have found a church that is very similar but she isn't interested.

Find a church with more dinosaurs?

Seriously, I feel really bad for the little girl. I would find a neighbor who could babysit for you. Then maybe in a few years see if she wants to participate in your supernatural rituals.

I like the idea of taking her to the church when there is no service going on to familiarize her with the place. Also, I had another idea, maybe you could just take her for short periods, and gradually increase the time when she is ready.

I know everyone has different beliefs and faith levels, but I think that if this is something you want for your family, then keep trying and see how it goes. If she is not ready, then maybe you and your husband can just attend when you are able.

Also, saying a little prayer that she can make it through is always helpful!! !