emotionally/biologically wanting a realtionship but...

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.. intellectually knowing you aren't prepared/ready for it or that it just isn't a realistic prospect for you. At least at the moment.

My intended title was much too long for the little box...

Does anyone know else find themselves in this position or know ways to cope with it?

To give you the background; I'm a 25 years old who still lives with his mother, I fear I'm maybe unemployable, or at least I'm not able to support myself/live independently at the moment, I have some serious emotional problems, a lot of "baggage" and the kindest way you could describe my looks is "not conventionally attractive".

Now I say all those things not in a spirit of self pity or self abasement but one of logical realism. These things obviously drastically limit my chances of finding a girlfriend. So it's entirely my own responsiblity to sort my act out and deal with all of that (with the exception of my looks which I can't help other that making the most of what I have) in order to make myself healthy enough to be a good boyfriend. While the state I'm in isn't entirely my own fault and I know beating myself up won't help, I also know my bad choices played a crucial role in the state I'm in and I take full responsibility.

I've learned the hard way about getting into a relationship before you're ready. Last year I was dating, to use a cheesy pharse "the girl of my dreams". The anxieties, intensity and unpredictability of being in love meant I made a right mess of a "perfect" situation and nearly a year on I'm still not "over" it. The awful thing is the girl in question had high functioning autism and entering into the relationship and "opening up" to me was a big step for her and I do worry not ending up a good boyfriend might have damaged her or put her off perusing a relationship in the future. Likewise my first girlfriend in my teenage years ended up being really hurt by my social blindness and "issues" manifesting as selfishness, clinginess and dependence. I'm determined not to hurt anyone else in that way. A big motivation for thinking even if I had the chance I should stay well away from relationships until I'm doing much better.

I know that becoming healthier and more functioning and productive will be a long and hard process, I have only vague notions of how to start. I don’t really have much of a support system and feel very lonely and isolated, this makes me yearn to have a special and intimate relationship with someone again. It’s hard to do these things alone. Also I love women in all the normal ways, sometimes when I come across a pretty girl I have to kick my own ass to stop myself falling into self pity that I feel like probably never get to be with someone like that. Also idealistically I’d like to look after my girlfriend, another strong interpersonal urge of mine. I’m just not practically equipped to be the boyfriend I want to be, so why even entertain getting involved?

Sorry for the long post, interested in any perspectives on my situation or how to deal with the loneliness and contradiction between my impulses and what I intellectually know to be true.

At least you admit it and aren't in denial like most of the guys here. That's step number one.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, and I'm sure many others in this forum can too. It's difficult for all of us. I'm not sure how helpful I can be because I'm also 25 and can count the relationships I've had - and how many months they each lasted - on one hand. But I do think my fear of making an ass of myself as I had done with every girl I liked before closed the door on opportunities that I would have liked to pursue. At one point, someone close to me passed away and I just said f*** it, life's too short to keep worrying about the consequences... I went into work the next day and asked out this girl I liked and I ended up with the longest relationship I've had to date. It didn't last forever but it ended amicably. I guess failing at relationships is like falling off a bike - only in this case both of you get hurt - but you also both learn from it and get better at it.

Thanks for the advice guys. You seem very level headed scubasteve.

There's no one I like at the moment, though I know a few good people who happen to also be very attractive girls. But I don't really feel that sense of relating/connecting I need to properly "like" someone with 99% of people I met day to day. I think if the opportunity for casual flings was open to me (which they aren't for the reasons listed in my orginal post) I'd take it in order to fulfill some of my needs but I do have some philosophical misgivings about the healthiness and ethics of that sort of thing (from a personal level, I don't judge others).

It's hard to face up to the reality that the world doesn't owe you anything, including love and that same world isn't exactly fair. those with the least love find it hardest to attract it, and those with the most, the opposite. But that's just the world we live in, I don't really see what you can do about it but whine which just isn't attractive. Which is probably just what I'm doing