My Story

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First, two requests for excuse - for my (probably bad) English and by the very long text.

MY STORY

I was born in a European family living in Africa. I don’t know the details, but my parents say that I begin to talk relatively quickly (my first word – “cat”).

When I had 17 months, in the beginning of a civil war, we were evacuated to the country of origin of my parents in Europe (who, for all practical effects, it is also my country).

During the first years, my parents and my sisters lived with my paternal grandfathers and I lived with my maternal grandmother, in a small village (away from my parents). I don’t remember much what I usually did in these years – I remember to make great walks in the fields with my grandma, of playing with my dog, etc. I don’t remember of playing with other children, but it is possible (some years ago, some girl find me in the college and asked me “You are T. ? The grandson of D.? You don’t remember me? We played together as kids!”).

When I was 4, my parents found a house for them and we return to live together (me, my parents, my 2 sister and, sometimes, also my grandma). In these times, my main pastime was to play with my sisters (pretend play, of the variant of playing the same scenario and character during several months, but with different “stories” each time we play). When my sisters could not play with me (they are 2 and 4 years older than me), my diversion was to imagine that we are playing (perhaps a “2nd degree make-believe”? Imagining that we are pretending?).

When I was 5 (pre-school age), I begin to go to the school with my mother – she was a teacher in a working class suburb; in these year she taught first grade, and I, sometimes stayed in the classroom listening the class, and others went to the playground of the school to play, or to the fields or the streets near; I usually played with some older kids that had class at a different hour (the class of my mother was at afternoon and I think that they had class at morning) and (as is usually in poor neighborhoods) spend their free time wandering by the street and the fields. My “social life” in these time was not bad – both these boys and the pupils of my mother could be considered “friends”; however I was very nervous and had a tendency to tell fantastic stories as they are true. During some weeks I went to a official preschool but hated it (I felt imprisoned in a small building, instead of having almost an entire village).

6-7 years:

At 6, I went to regular school (in the city where I live, not my mother’s school). I was very agitated in class, and sometimes had disruptive behaviors; but my learning was good. My relation with other kids – not bad, not good; during some time, I (for some reason that I don’t remember) refused to go to the recess, but there was 3 or 4 kids who I played (and I joined my class when we had fights against the class of the other room).

At home, I spent my time reading (Disney comics and books about animals), watching TV (usually cartoons, nature documentaries and action/adventure series, like Star Trek or Charlie Angels), playing with my sisters and (important point) living imaginary adventures within my head (sometimes at “paracosm” level, creating complex imaginary scenarios, with several characters and developing the fantasy during several months, or perhaps years).

8-9 years

At 8 years, I change to my mother’s school; these were probably the period of my life of more social success – I established a close group of friends (a classical “childhood secret club”, with a name, hiding places, secret codes, etc.); we spend the time exploring the neighborhood, , searching for gold and precious stones (! !! – never found any) , and (probably our main activity) fighting with other groups of boys (typical child boy behavior, I suppose). However, in elementary school, there was an activity that I never engaged – playing soccer (or sports in general).

At home, my standard of activities remained the same – watch TV, read and daydream (the playing with my sisters becomes rarer, probably because they get older). In my readings, there are some change – my interest in animals “grow” to a general interest in sciences; and I developed also an interest in World War II. My imaginary life(s) continued – sometimes, I was an active participant of my fantasies; in others, the fantasies were if I was reading a book or watching a movie. I spend most of my time closed in my room (and some relatives have becoming to be worried, sometimes saying things like “We should take TPE2 to some doctor”)


10-11 years

The fall.

I enter at our equivalent of junior high; all of my elementary school friends went to other classes, and I went to a class were I did know anybody; at the 3rd day of school, all of my new collegues begin to tease me.

I spend most of these two years wandering alone by the schoolyard, sometimes thinking/daydreaming, others searching by my elementary school friends. My new colleagues sometimes teasing/bullying me; other times they tried to be friendly and asked my “Why you don’t play/talk with us?” (when they asked these, I could never find an answer – as if my social isolation was the default status, not needing any cause). I had almost no contact with then during these years.
I was one of the best students of my class (best subjects: Natural Sciences, Social Studies, History, Mathematics; worst subjects: Music, PE).

At home, I spend my time in the regular way: reading (books about science or history and comics), watching TV (same type of programs – cartoons, documentaries and action/adventure), fantasizing, playing with my cats, etc. My parents bought a computer ZX Spectrum and I become an enthusiast of computer programming. Sometimes I also played with a boy from the neighbourhood (board games or things like imaginary games)

12-14

High school. I remained with the same colleagues than before, but my relation with them improved – they bullied/teased my less; I continued to not participate in their “banter” and “small talk” at the recess, but when we had time to play some game (usually soccer, but sometimes cards or chess) I played with them.

At 8 grade, one of my teachers decided to “socialize” me and ask me constantly things like “Why you don’t talk with your colleagues?”, and, when I reply “I don’t have anyting to say”, he refused to believe.

The presentation of works at classroom was almost impossible to me – one time, I was to present a work and spend 5 minutes incapable of saying anything besides “aa-aaa-aa…” (until the teacher decided that was better to ask question to I answer that to expect that I said something).

Most teachers were of the opinion that my grades were bellow my capacities.

My interests become more narrow – instead of my general interest in sciences and history, I become largely only interested in politics/history/economics (these seem 3 issues, but they are basically the same issue). My imaginary life was largely replaced by reflections about political/social issues.

I was also in the “what is the sense of life?” kind of reflections, and thinking “why I don’t feel happy in this world?” – but note that these my thinkings never were “What is wrong with me?”; were always “What is wrong with society?”; about the fact that all other people appeared to be well-adjusted, I had a simple explanation – they were been brainwashed by the powers-that-be! And in my readings about political issues, I discovered topics – “antipsychiatry”, “counterculture”, etc. – that reinforced this idea. I also became an enthusiast of movies that approached themes like brainwashing, subliminal propaganda, etc. (ex – The Parallax View, Circle of Power, etc.).

Other interests besides that – watch TV, reading mystery novels, and working-class street culture (these more by nostalgia of my elementary school times).

15-17 years

My mother begin to insist that my sisters take me with them when they went out with their friends. The intention was to “socialize” me, but what I did is, not socialize with my sisters and their friends, but, after some minutes with them, to say “I am going to take a walk” and spending the nights walking around (alone) by the streets of my tows; I loved that.

I changed of school, and, with new colleagues, I decided to be more “social” and try to interact with them. The result was acceptable – I find a small group of friends, when I spent the time discussing politics and playing chess, and even my other colleagues did not disliked me.

My interests remained in the field of politics and similar issues, with also some interest in philosophy and psychology (that coild be also be considered “similar issues”).

[At this time, I fell in love with a girl but waited 2 and a half years to propose me; during this time, were many occasions when I decide “it is today”, but, in the moment I decided always “I will talk to her in the next hour/tomorrow/next week”; when I finally talked to her, she refused me saying “During 3 years you almost never talked with me”]

18-21 year

I went to college, in the capital of my country, to study Economics. I like it (I never had the homesickness that many people have when go to college). I liked to live almost alone (only with one of my sisters) and being in a big city, with many bookshoops. And, in the first year of college I feel the enthusiasm “this is the beginning of your new life” type (in the next years the enthusiasm vanished).

My social life remained in the same pattern – a very small group of friends but not disliked by other people (although everybody considered me a bit “crazy”).

I spend most of my free time at home, watching TV and playing at the computer, or visiting the bookshoops of the city, usually buying books about politics published 20 year before.

I was also involved in students protest movements and spend much time in demonstrations.

22-25 years

After my graduation, I begin to search for a job. First, I had an internship at a bank – there are 5 interns and, after the internship, they decided to offer jobs to four; I was the “choosen” (the “choosen” to NOT be offered a job). Probably the reasons was that I made many mistakes in my work (confusing numbers, forgetting things, etc.), and also has a very general apathetic disposition (there were two interns in my department; when the telephone rang, I was yet thinking “the telephone is ringing; I will go attend” and the other intern was already attending the telephone).

After that I spend years in job interviews, and being rejected. Sometimes, after a group interview at the morning, the interviewers said “You all should return afternoon to the individual interviews, except TPE2, that we think that not have the profile we want”.

Probably the reason was that most of my answers was monosyllabic (yes, no…).

After some time, at insistence of my family, I searched for “psychological help”.

The first shrink that I go was a bit arrogant (or perhaps it was me that was arrogant?); by the question that she made me in the first (and only) interview, and with I know now about mental problems, I think that she was “testing” me for schyzotypal personality disorder.

Then I went to other shrink; she was nice and I have various consultations. Her conclusions:

- I intellectualize and rationalize everything; because that I have problems in job interviews, where most of the questions are of the emotional type (“What you like to do?”; “Talk us about you”, etc)

- When discussing an issue with someone, it is more important to me to “win” the discussion that come to an agreement with the other person

- It will be very difficult to help me, because, deep inside, I don’t want to change anything – I feel that I am good, and that are the other people who have a problem

[And, thinking about that, she was probably right…]

26 years to today

I returned to my parents town.

There I found a job at a public institution (I was the only person to show at the interview…), where I remain.

My job performance was mixed: I am good in discovering ways of solving complex problems, and in computer programing, but very bad at things that require “attention to detail” (my colleagues say that I am good at difficult things and bad at easy things); at social level, I could spend days almost without talking, and, when I talk, many people find my ideas and behavior strange. An example – when the administration of the institution changed, my direct boss said to me “The new administrators don’t know you; we will try that they have not much contact with you, but, if you had to talk with them, try to behave according to the standards in use by the civilized people”.

I can participate in a conversation about a work-related issue, but I am practically incapable of sustaining an informal conversation (example: I hate when, at the lunchroom, I am alone with only other person at the table; sometimes I try to make conversation, but the result is very awkward)

At the personal level, I found a “torture” to have to live with my parents again, and the first thing that I did when joined enough money was to buy an house to go live alone (well, today I live with a cat, who is sleeping in my bed in this exactly moment…). I participate in a small political party, but besides that I have nor social life, spend almost of my time in my room, searching the internet.

During much time I was convinced that I had schizoid personality disorder, but then I discovered Asperger’s Syndrome, I noted also very similarities with me.

My family:

My father and his side are very normal, sociable people; he is a engineer but there is nothing “nerdish” about him – he is a very gregarious man, he likes sports, etc (btw, I never understand much these “nerd engineer” stereotype – my impression is that engineers are usually practical, dow-to-earth, well-adjusted people; when I think in a intelligent but social awkward boy, I think in a student of Philosophy or Literature, not Engineering; or perhaps could be a cultural difference between USA and Europe?)

My mother is of the intellectual/literary type; she is a bit – well, more than “a bit” – reclusive and shy, and have many sensory problems (problems with high sounds, intense lights, etc.). She does not appear to have “special interests” – sometimes she write poetry, but very irregulary. I think that is only pastime is reading novels. All women of her side of the family are a bit “strange” – her sister is very impulsive and have anger attacks very easily; my grandma is/was (she is in a kind of coma at several years) very depressed (usually she repeated the phrase “Oh, sad life!”). Most men of this side of the family had died younger, but my uncle-grand-grandparent (uncle of my grandmother) was mentally hill (he was considered very intelligent, but after a failed suicide attempt, he become “crazy”).

My sisters – one (also an engineer) is a very normal, well-adjusted person; the other is similar to my aunt, impulsive and with anger attacks; she also tells lies in a way that seems that she is convinced by her own lies.

Other points:

I am extremely clumsy

My handwriting is very bad

There are many foods that I don’t like (and I hate to try new foods)

Especially when I am thinking, I have to fiddle with something in my hands (a pen, a rubber band, my shoelaces, etc.)

I think that I have no relevant problem at understanding body language, metaphors, figurative language, etc. But I have difficulty in distinguish playful from malicious teasing

My MBTI personality is INTP

My results in some tests:

AQ test – 24

Aspie Quiz – Aspie 93; NT 99

Personality Disorders Test:

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Very High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

By this description, what you think – ASD/Asperger? Broader Autism Phenotype? Schizoid PD? Avoidant PD? Social Anxiety? Inattentive ADHD? Simply a hypochondriac introvert?

Yes, I know that only a doctor can give an accurate diagnosis, but I am interested in your opinion (my suspicion is that I am “in the spectrum”, but perhaps my “repetitive and restricted behaviours and interests” are sub-clinical).

You're probably an Aspie. So?

And that's not sub-clinical. Your pattern of special interests is completely classic.

wow that would take an hour 2 read sory cudnt read it all but just take meds if ur messed up

Ignore Corp. He's the resident troll. I admit to skimming some parts, but an hour is MUCH longer than I took (on the order of a few minutes is more like it). Also, there are no medications for autism, and if there were, you certainly can't tell someone "just take meds" without specifying which kind. You could take meds for a comorbid. You could also try to medicate yourself into oblivion. Just counting psychotropic meds, there are still quite a lot. Antidepressants of various types (mostly they inhibit the reuptake of various neurotransmitters, but one enhances the reuptake of serotonin) and antipsychotics (typicals, with horrendous risks, atypicals, with horrendous risks, and Clozaril, with horrendous risks). Then there's Lupron, which you don't want. Then there are illegal drugs (about which I know nothing) and legal drugs (like alcohol and cigarettes).

http://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/ (Clumsiness/mild clumsiness)
In terms of social skills, you might consider listening to some educational dvds on the general topic of sales - sales in business - which might allow to understand small aspects of human communication a little better (not a cure).
http://www.sellingpower.com/ - http://www.nightingale.com/ - http://www.dalecarnegie.com/ (none are cures).

Sounds like you're a lil quirky to me. We all have such unique qualities. And, having a diagnosis isn't going to change who you are...because you are who you are. I like the idea that your supervisor is willing to play to your strengths..and if you recognize some areas that are difficult for you in your job then it's ok to try and learn some ways to do things differently. It just helps you be better in your job. Sometimes I make changes so I can just do a better job not because I feel like I need to change.

Sometimes, I think that I have all the disadvantages of AS without the advantages that, according to "the legends", people with AS have:

- I am not good with details (much the opposite)

- because my special interest is non-technical, did not have professional utility (unlike the "stereotipically" interests in science or technology)

[I wonder if my relatively low results in AQ and Aspie Quizz means that the measures have probably a bias in favour of "technology-oriented" aspies...]