Advice on love please

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Hello

I am an NT(ish) woman in love with an Aspie man who was divorced 7 years ago, after a turbulent 10-year marriage which ended disastrously for him. He hasn't been in a relationship since then, and when I first met him he was very suspicious of women because of this.

We met on the internet two years ago and have since become very good friends in the real world, although I live some distance away. We have a lot in common, and I know he's fond of me in his own way. (He does a lot for me in practical ways). I adore him, despite his difficulties (and sometimes because of them too: I love his perspective on life); but I'm very shy and I've had enough difficulties with relationships in the past myself to be afraid I'll get this one wrong too. His behaviour towards me has been very inconsistent, (sometimes pulling me closer with his actions and sometimes pushing me away), but I know that he feels he needs me to make sense of people for him, and to give him a lead out there in the world. I also know he needs a lot of space and time alone, but I do too, so that's not a problem.

The problem is how to spend more time with him without him feeling cornered. I would really like a close relationship with him, but if he doesn't want that I'd rather be just a friend than risk losing this special friendship altogether.

I know I am going to have to make the move. I think he wants me to, but I know he can't do it himself. He will let me hug him or slip my arm through his, and he's always really pleased when I do; but anything more makes him terribly nervous.

What do I do next?

I'll forgive you for posting this in the wrong section as you're new

I say you go for it. If no one does anything, it'll only become more awkward. Even if he says no, I highly doubt the friendship would be lost, even if it would be a bit difficult at first.

My perspective:

Love is something I do, not something I feel.
When I care about someone I want to help them.
I've spent the last few years of my life working to support my love to be able to finish school, and meet a few other specific goals that have been a very long time in the making.

A spectrum individual is going to be extremely loyal and will be able to express the love via their actions. They need acceptance and encouragement. They may not realize they do not give enough affection to fully satisfy the other person, though. We tend to have an affection cup, whereas the partner may have a bucket that needs filling.

s an adult NAT who has negotiated difficult relationships along the way, my advice would be to be open, honest and direct. I would suggest not expressing much in the way of emotions, expectations and the like, but let him know that you feel for him, understand and appreciate his need for alone time, his past hurt, and his distrust of women. if i had to guess, he likely perceives issues with women as "they will never understand me." if his ex-wife was very expressive, had emotional swings, and often said things opposite of what she really wanted, only to later contradict herself, then he probably has this expectation for other women, yourself included.

He will need you to take the lead, but do understand that this will likely result in certain periods of nonsensical resistance or expressed frustrations. For some context of what the relationship might be like, I would recommend the following book:

Life With a Partner or Spouse With Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Savings You and Your Relationship

It has worked wonders for myself and my wife.

Be gentle, be direct, and be honest. It can be wonderful and rewarding being in a relationship with a NAT, but you need to make sure that your needs are met as well. If not, it will likely cause hardship for you both.

best of luck!

The advice I can give you is to ask him "What would you do if we was in a relationship?" and he might tell you when he will feel like being in a relationship and I'm pleased to say how much you both adored each other.

If he is ready to go in a relationship, then you both would be all good, but it might take him some time for him to think, after all, you did say that he has been divorced.

Good luck to the pair of you oh and welcome to WrongPlanet.


- superboyian.

Hello Perplexed.

You explained yourself very clearly. If you are unsure how to proceed, then why not tell him exactly what you have told us. Or write it to him. You could ask him for a similar summary from his viewpoint, and take it from there. Looking at it logically, if these are your concerns, then this is the information he needs to know, and which you need clarified.

Emphasise this, so that he understands there are genuine options, and that he is important to you:

Don't forget to ask him to respond, just in case he assumes it is merely information!

Allow him as much time as he needs to consider it.
For myself, I found in the past that it can take a period of weeks, with small conversations and questions along the way, before I have a clear understanding of my own viewpoint on a personal issue. Even if I am comfortable with an idea, I need elapsed time in order to process and adjust to any implications.

Clear communication is the best option for aspies, even though many of us are not good at it, and need to learn how, just as much as friends and partners do. But understanding is a process which cannot even begin if we just keep our worries and concerns to ourselves.

I agree - doing is what we do; gentle, direct and honest is mandatory.


We do need to know that we are appreciated.