Step son -undiagnosed AS does not want to go outside??.

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Hi all,
I have a fianace that has undiagnosed AS, however when we realized this was what his differance were, we both embraced it & have found much comfort and understanding the whats & whys of AS & the behaviours related.

My s/o has three children, I have 2, his boys I strongly suspect has AS, as they exhibit many behaviors. We recently approched the mom about the possibility of this and getting her sons assessed, but she was rude about it all & does not want to hear it at all, she has full medical control over the children.

A problem we have recently been encountering is that now that his oldest boy is 11, he is refusing to go on outings and leave the house on his visits.
He simle says. "I'm a indoor guy..I dont like outside" now I know this is possibly an AS triat, as his father also struggles with being comfortable in group setting & going out at times. However he has learned to adjust as he was never formally diagnoised with AS, its not always easy for my s/o, usually he does go, but only if I ask, beg etc. or if its to a place he is familiar with the people. Once we are out...he usually feels much better, but this wasnt always the case.
Now with his son, after three years of outtings, he is now really pulling away from outtings and its next to impossible to get him to go outside at all. He usually just hides, refuses, runs away etc etc..I ask him why..and again he says..as above..

We have 5 children total & we always have family trips planned for the weekends, swimming, movies , hiles , out of town adventures..but more & more..its almost impossible to get his oldest to go., its usually a fight & an hour later before we get out..all the other kids are frustrated etc.,..and its really turining into a big stressor, especially for my s/o, he gets aloto f stress & anxiety etc from his sons refusal to co-operate.

As the boy is 11 ( 12 in Jan) the mom who has custody has left him home all summer alone & he spends his days you tubing & TV.. so he figures if he doesnt go out at home, why should he when he visits us for the weekends. he tells us he just likes to relax cause hes a lazy guy.

We do not feel comfortable excluding him from our family outtings as we are a family & we do not want him to be left out or at home for hours & hours at a time..then we worry..we sometimes go for day long hikes etc.

Im not sure what to do at this point..its getting more & more difficult, and it does seem once he is out, he has fun..usually..but its the getting him out..and as his dad only has them every other weekend and holidays, so we do not like to leave him alone when he only visits basically four days a mth

We do not know what is the best approach is for a preteen undiagnosed unheloed child..we cant get around the mother unless we call in childrens aid..and that will not be helpful at all..the kids have alot of ongoing stress form the animosity the mother has towards the dad. His youngest has tried to kill one of our pets more then once, and when we approached her, she said he is fine, just give him nore attention..so all of our pleas fall on deaf ears.
HELP
Any suggestions??


Thanks

On some of the outings, does the son face of the possibility of bullying behavior?


(I am not a parent myself. I certainly remember growing up.)

That's kind of a bad sign. That's kind of a sign (although certainly not a guarantee) that someone has been abusing the kids.

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Or, it could be something as simple as seeing this modelled by an older child. And before a child develops a social conscience, I guess cruelty is kind of fun.

Is there a way, you could briefly and matter-of-factly, like in one sentence, explain how to treat animals, 'Always respect an animal's space . . ' 'Need to watch and see if the animal likes the way you are petting it . . ' I don't know, something (and again, I am not a parent).

Then, there's still the possibility of the abuse. And that's going to be a tough one. Maybe just listening to the kids on other things, and then they might get the idea they could talk to you if bad things are going on.

Now, even if it's just the mother talking to the kids against the dad, that is kind a burden for a child to carry, that's a tricky box to put a child in, and anger might be a result. And obviously, the mother herself has a lot of anger. I guess just take it step by constructive step, a series of medium step, getting what feedback you can along the way

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 10 Aug 2010, 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No the son never has this issue with us as a family. Im not sure what happens in his own neighborhood, however he does tell me he doesnt have many or make many friends.

Thanks , I really need help with the oldest right now..and yes the youngest has been advised, redirected , everything we can possibly do to help him understand. I know this is a bad sign..he had a " no touch" rule for the cats which also included not even petting the cats for a 6mth period, which we lifted in June, and then when they stayed for a week two weeks ago and by the end, he was lashing out constantly at the cats ( we have three cats, 2 rats ,. birds & fish) I also an commited to an animal organization that rescues animlas & the kids often come out on fundraisers etc with me.. Also a hanmster I was boarding "accidently " was freed from its cage which of coarse ended not so pretty as we have three cats.,
This is why we turned to the mother for help...of which she was none. We told her that if we cannot redirect his behaviour in the next few mths, we will call social services to get some help. Until then we are doing our best to keep an eye on this child ( he is 6) he has been aggressive for more then 2years now..twice attempted to suffocate one of the cats that has cancer.

These outdoor activities sound stressful and chaotic to me. I don't blame the kid. Why spend a stressful day away from your home-routine full of socialization and loud people when you can stay at home where it is quiet, nice, and safe?

Wow, you certainly have your plate full. Is there anyway that you can compromise on the frequency of the outings? Maybe take turns with your SO in taking the kids places, and have the other adult stay home with him and spend more one on one time with him? Or talk with the oldest to find out if there is something he would like to do on the outings? If he does have AS, then he may have a lot of sensory issues that make it difficult for him to go out. For instance, maybe the heat or the brightness of the sun, are very irritating to him. Or maybe the loudness or noise of other places may irritate him. I think it is good to get him out some, but to expect him to keep up with the rest of the family as far as the busy schedule of events is unfair.
Even if he is not diagnosed, it sounds like you highly suspect that he has AS, so maybe you could just read up on it, and so that you can start to understand him better. Even if his mother refuses to acknowledge this, then at least you will be educated and be able to make the visits with him more meaningful.

Good luck and welcome to Wrong Planet!

It sounds to me like it is just too much for the boy. AS children need more down time than NT children, rely more on routine, and have more sensory difficulties, all of which can interfere with their ability to go on outings and enjoy them. Neither of my children (one AS and one NT) could handle being in a family that was on the go every weekend, all weekend. It is good for us, as parents, to nudge them a little beyond their comfort zones, but when a child is rebelling as strong as your oldest step son seems to be, odds are you are doing much more than nudging a little beyond the comfort zone.

We've acheived a decent amount of peace in our family by deciding it really isn't the end of the world if we split up (2 go out, 2 stay home) or even enjoy a local activity for an hour or two leaving one child at home alone (my youngest is almost 10 and NT, and I figured after she'd begged to be able to stay by herself for a few years, she might actually be ready to, and we do it now as long as we're within a 5 minute return). Everyone is simply happier this way, and I'm really comfortable that my kids do understand the responsibility associated with being home alone (every child is different). You aren't leaving someone out when they have been invited and have chosen to not accept the invitation.

Not to say you never nudge; we've had plenty of times one of my kids has wanted to stay home and I've used my intuition to decide that they really need to get out, and we've all ended up having a really nice time. But you do have to know your child and his limits, and not insist on it just because that is what your family "does." Digging down into the reasons the child hesitates to go along is important, as well as practicing routines for making outings more enjoyable for that child's unique interests and needs. When you have all that information, and the child can see that you do understand, it gets easier to start to teach the fine art of compromise, and of sometimes doing something you otherwise would not chose for the simple benefit of sharing time with people you care about.

Always a juggling act, isn't it?

well its not really nice quiet & safe..we have 5 kids..its loud..
Having fam,ily outtings is adventouus to most of them..I dont see it healthy to have 5kids all insdie on a beeautiful summer day when we could be out having fun times..

I agree that the outings are good, but for the son with possible AS, he is different than the other kids. I wouldn't allow him to never go anywhere, but if there is any way that you can work it out to give him more down time and let the other kids go , it might make the whole family happier. This make take some time to work out, but in the long run, I think it would be a good thing.

Thanks..perhaps I made it sound buiser or was misunderstood..we go on outtings usually the Sat of the weekend..Friday evenings when the kids come, we are inside..we plan a fun filled day on Saturdays to get everyone out as a family, and we go swimming every Sat evening..if we dont go swimming Sat evening, due to timelines, then we may go on Sunday. ..other then that there is plenty of one on one with each of the kids. The oldest hangs with his dad usually..they watch tv make videos etc..and the other four pair off playing videos etc.. we spend all of our time engaing with the children..as they explain when they are home, they go nowhere, stay inside & the aprents make them watch TV n theri bedroom..
From what I know, having functioning family outtings is healthy and can allow many good memeories for the kids in years to come...all the kids love to get out..mostly , as its enjoyable .

As a family I feel its important. WHen we sit around all day & night the kids want to go put.. its boring for them to sit around the house..I dont encourage too much video or computer time, so we try to balance our lifestyle. He is the only one who really fights this..

Ah, but that is your perception (and often mine), but not theirs. He obviously doesn't see it as "fun times" or he wouldn't resist so strongly. The child won't suffer any ill effects from being able to stay in his comfort zone, and you might actually increase the odds of sensory overload and meltdown by enforcing onto a unique individual a generalized idea of what is healthy, and making him leave that comfort zone. I just read that soy is one of the top 5 cancer preventing foods, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make my family eat it - we've discovered that my husband and son have a real sensitivity to it, and it messes with their moods and thinking. Same thing with the concept of sun and healthy - it isn't necessarilly the best thing for everyone, you've to take it on a case by case basis and consider the one unique individual.

Everything turns on it's head if you have an AS child; you either learn to throw pretty much all generalizations out the window, or you'll spend a lot of time being frustrated with your child. If the goal is a happy child able to reach his own unique potential, you've got to find a custum fit life plan.

Thanks for your advise. I suppose the main thing I am looking to confirm is whether this is typical AS behaviour, and which route is the best for him in the long run. I do not want to force someone with special circumstances beyond comfort point, but at times we all need that for growth. Last weekend, even though he really didnt want to go swimming, he did..he asked to go in the deep end, yet had to do a swim test . He passed. To see how excited and proud he was of his own accomplishemt was very rewarding for me him & his dad & siblings...
To see him sitting in front of youtube for 16 hours a day ..well maybe not so rewarding..IMO.
He talked all day about how happy he was to get over how unconfident he felt about being afriad to try a swim teat in the past, out of his fear of failure..had he not gone, this experience would never have happened. We do not force him to go to the mall, the store, errands etc. He does stay home quite a bit in that regard with my other 12yr old son usually.
Im looking to do the right thing, and I know every child has to be addressed as an individual. But 11-12-13 yr olds whether NT or AS seem to be all in that same rut these days..sitting on the couch staring at a TV all day..or cmputer. Id like to open the world a little more for them, thats all.

Thanks for your advise.

I agree with DW, ever since I found out that my son has an autistic spectrum disorder, my idea of what life with a 5 yr old little boy should be like, has gotten tossed out the window. I see other little boys in the neighborhood riding bikes and riding scooters by themselves, and I think it would be great if my son could do that. But he can't, so we just do the best we can to adapt to his needs. Don't get me wrong, I have bought him a tricycle, and a bicycle, and when he is up for it, we go out and try, but I don't force it on him because all of the other boys in the neighborhood are doing this. I also don't sign him up for soccer and tball like most other 5 yr old boys do. My son can't stand to be pushed up against other kids. I literally see him cringe when other kids start running towards him. I do my best to get him out to get exercise.

Maybe if you knew for sure that your stepson had AS, it would be easier to accept. All I can say is that if one of your loved ones does have AS, you have to learn to be creative and think outside of the box. That is the one thing that autism has taught me----to let go of my expectations about what things should be and accept things for what they are.

I think you are doing a good job as a mom of 5 kids, I just think that this older child is so different than what you are used to, that it will just take some extra patience on your part to try to bring all of this together.

Blessings to you and your family!

that could be part of it right there. you have 5 kids, its loud. that means a lot of chaos and noise, not just in the house but where ever you go. those family outings may be a nightmare for an autistic.

yes its good for kids to spend time with family and doing activities together. and i dont think, if the child is sitting at home normally every day like you say, that twice a month outings are too often to expect him to participate. but something to consider is also the nature and length of those activities. a day long hike? im not autistic, but even i would be dying at the end of that in a trip with 4 other kids.

some suggestions to try:
- compromise. reduce the number of outings, or give him a free pass for one a month of his choosing when he can stay home.
- shorten the trips. i am getting pretty good at gauging when the autistics in my house have had enough. an entire day trip, for them, is WAY TOO LONG. usually 2-3 hours tops and one or both of them is starting to feel overloaded.
- involve his interests. find out what he is interested in, plan activities that incorporate that in some way. for instance, ask him to make videos of your activities for youtube. provide him with a camera and software for editing, and see if that gets him out the door with you.
- make a schedule he can see. let him know in advance where you are going, what you are doing. autistics often dont like changing plans, and springing things on them suddenly can go terribly wrong. make sure he knows in advance what the plans are, even if its as simple as "9am to 1pm, family outing".

its hard to find a balance as a family, and adding autistics into the mix can make it even more difficult. in the end, the goal is to meet the needs of the family as a unit AND of each individual. but you cannot continually oppress the needs of one to meet the needs of the whole, and it sounds like thats what the boy is trying to tell you is happening.

sometimes the hardest thing as parents is to throw out the window an idea we have of what makes a healthy family, of what is "right". there is no one universal functioning schedule that every family would be most benefited by. it seems you are at that point, standing at the window and hesitating to throw out your idea of the perfect family outing.