Acting Rude

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I need help ... lots of it.

I have the tendency of being rude at random times, especially if I'm pissed off. I feel threatened so I retaliate because I don't want to be stompped on. Sometimes I don't even realize my rudeness and people I care about tolerate it to the point where they want nothing more to do with me or keep their contact with me simple.

I majored in philosophy and psychology in college and got good grades. I thought it would teach me about peopleb so I can understand them. I thought philosophy would help me give people the benefit of the doubt.

But no. I cut contact with my entire family, the benefactor who paid for my college, the one friend who opened up to me and high school but I stabbed her in the back. All of this because I don't feel any connection to them, because its not worth it to me.

I was diagnosed with classic Aspergers early in life. I've always been curious and full of knowledge but where has that brought me? f*****g no where that is what. I will be 22 soon and never been laid. Never been in a relationship.

Sheesh. Anything I should read? Any videos for me to watch? Any therapists you reccommend'

OMG! I found my long lost twin!! !! ! My parents have said sometimes they don't want to be around me etc. Don't worry you aren't alone. I'm rude. Just last Sunday mom said "You know you've been a rude b***h today!" I was like oh. I don't think majoring in Psychology will help much in me understanding my parents behavior IMO they are a lost cause and I don't need a psychology degree to tell me (while I'm not the only one with issues) Threatening your daughter IS A HUGE ISSUE! I have also never had a relationship as I'd describe. Never had a boyfriend/kissed/or dated and I'm going on 25! So I tossed myself into college work (which I'm planning on doing all over again LOL!)

That is what I love about Wrong Planet - there are people here who get where I'm at. In all seriousness I want to turn a new leaf and I'm not ret*d and thus know my rude actions are rude. But I just don't let emotion bind me to people. I'm told its heartless. Maybe when you cannot emotionally relate to someone its easier to tell them whatever you want.

Many times I feel like I'm just being honest but really what I said happened to be really terrible or unneccessarry.

I tend to get rude if I get pushed. I know what I am doing is rude but I don't care because I have lost it and been pushed too far.

I think that being rude is bad manners - being rude when you know you are being rude is bad manners and poor self-restraint.

People with autism say things that are true, or one their mind, or without awareness of the consequences. These are all perceived as rudeness, and it takes a great deal of effort to make even small changes to this behaviour.

Deliberate rudeness and lack of self restraint probably have nothing to do with ASD and it does not help to blame it on ASD.

I tend to be rude but not on purpose.
I try to control myself because I don't like other people being rude with me and believe in the "Ne faites pas à autrui ce que vous ne voudriez pas que l'on vous fasse." speech. Basically, that means that if you don't like the way someone acts toward you, you shouldn't act that way with anyone.
It's perfectly normal to feel the need to be rude with someone, it has nothing to do with having a disorder though some disorders may make people a litte more violent or rude. But I think some people tend to me more rude than others because of their personal history. You know, just like some people who has been rejected by others tend to reject others or reject themselves, human psychology is a complex subject.

Well, the fatc is... most people hate it when someone is rude with them but they are rude with others as well, we live in a violent world people, I'm pretty sure responding violently to violence isn't a solution but it seems to be in the human nature form what I've observed.

Matthew 7 verse 12 ("do to others what you would have them do to you"), which includes making the effort to be positive, polite and helpful. It repays itself, many times over.

I think I get to points where I don't care about not being rude and I do it thinking "this person acted this way and they need to know what they did was wrong/not appropriate". I think a lot of aspies, myself included, are very much concerned with truth, reality, etc.

A few months ago I posted a craigslist ad about opera tickets. I said that responders must tell me which ticket they want and if they are able to pick up the tickets in a public place. I had someone write me ""any tickets left". Made him look like a spammer, even if he did write me from his iPhone. I told him he was way too ambiguous, that he cannot just write me like that, that he needs to tell me what he wants. He was livid and told me to screw myself and that e wasn't comfortable buying from me. I told him I posted the instructions for my own online safety (spammers/bots/etc) and that it seems as if he is more pissed off with me than worried I would do something shady.

I guess because I realize my age and realize my academic potential I keep asking myself if I really need to deal with people. Than I apply for jobs and find that they want everyone to pretend they are on happy pills. Its sickening. I had a job write me a letter denying my application and the lady misspelled my name. I called her and said I could do her job better than her.

My tolerance isn't that great and don't know where I should go or what to do to bring it up. Being a diagnosed aspie doesn't make it any better. I hate smiling a job interviews and pretending I'm happy. I hate thinking about the people that have helped me in life, knowing they all have families and lives but I cannot call or write them because they aren't my family and they are busy, etc.

People expect each other to give 10% of themselves. We do it with parents all the time - talk with them on the phone every couple of weeks about the same s**t. I decided that 0% is better than 10%, but so many say that having slight communication is better than no communication. I cannot see the logic in that, especially when there is no connection on top of it. Wat is worse, is that I have trouble reading their body language knowing they are pissed until they finally cannot take any more.

What if I would have them do unto me honesty? Even brute honesty like what I do? What if I would have them do unto me no mind games? The golden rule is a great concept, but when you expect something from NT they cannot give because of their wiring, it is hard. Not saying my wiring is great, but what do you do?

Last edited by Whitaker on 11 Aug 2010, 10:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think this is a perfect example. Why did you re-engage in dialogue with somebody who makes you unhappy? There was a S#$t my Dad says quote posted here yesterday, "Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s#$t.". I am making the judgement (based on my own experience) that you did not actually feel any better after doing so, and you would have been calmer and happier if you had not done so.

To be honest, I don't think this lack of restraint is an autistic thing at all (although the frustration and pain of rejection are), and all of us can learn and benefit from self-restraint and good manners.

Well, I think you are right that the lack of self restraint is probably not due to Aspergers, but I do think that my desire for justice and truth and clarifying people is definitely from Aspergers - and part of that thinking is what I think makes me so willing to be rude.

I cannot tell you how many "best of luck in all of your endeavors" crap I get when I'm rejected from jobs. It's the cheesiest thing an employer could say, and I know it. I ask myself why they have such little concern or care for my circumstances, and how they figure saying that is going to make me feel better.

The thing is, StuartN, I think a lot of NT are like that. They say s**t they don't mean but they think is nice and totally appropriate. Then when someone like me doesn't react to it how they want, because I figure their intentions aren't noble, they say I'm rude.

So do I just give people the benefit of the doubt? Do I live in a fantasy and keep smiling and laughing and keep making people think I'm perfectly happy and live a lie? When the people who don't see me more than once a year ask how I am and I politely give them an update, do I just say "That's great" when they merely say two sentences about their life. They think it is so okay to listen to me but don't want to give back the same care I put in.

Hence, is but one reason why I've really shut myself away from people because I don't want the pain of the mind games. If you aren't happy you don't want to act like you are. At the same time, if all the store clerks didn't put on a smile I worry this world would be a lot different, and I am sure that not everyone is faking their happiness (many do not). You cannot tell who is who first hand, though.

Thank you, I couldn't find the quotation in English since I dind't remember where it came from.

He probably asked because he wasn't sure if you still had them so he wanted to ask you first before he said anymore.
He didn't know if someone else had already gotten them from you and you forgot to take the ad down. I also do the same thing when I look on craigslist. Someone was giving away their computer monitor and I asked him if he still had it because the ad was not listed that day and he was listed down the day before or two. When he said yes and gave me his number and it took me two days to call him because last week was a bad week for me and I kept forgetting to call.

What you need to do is look closely at these two sentences and figure out the correlation between them. If you backstab everyone who opens up to you, how do you expect to establish a relationship or get laid?

You say you don't feel any connection with people and that they're not worth it to you. That's why you've never been laid. Most people - if they're going to make the kind of physical/emotional connection you claim you've never had - need to feel that their desires are rerciprocated by the object of their desires. You, on the other hand, give the impression that you don't care about anyone except yourself, so why should anyone else carer enough about you to want to sleep with you?

Apologies if you consider this post to be blunt or rude - but you asked a question and I gave you an honest answer. Most NTs would be able to see the conflict of interests between the desire to be with someone and the feeling that they're not worth it straight away. That lack of self-awareness is what distinguishes us from them. I learnt all this the hard way whilst growing up without a diagnosis, and consequently being labelled merely as a self-absorbed as*hole. It took me until my mid-30s to come to terms with the fact that I had indeed acted like a self-absorbed as*hole on many occasions, and that I had to learn to temper that instinct if I was ever going to survive in an NT-dominated world. NTs have feelings and desires that need to be catered for too, regardless of how incomprehensible thay may seem to us.

Last edited by Locustman on 12 Aug 2010, 7:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

Lotusman,

No you don't need to apologize one bit about being blunt you had great input. Maybe I'm just a crappy person like you hint (only caring about myself), though the fact I do worry about many people and care about their well being maybe its not total self absorbedness. I think I've come across as self absorbed not only because of the conflict of statements as you said, but the length of my posting.

I've been told many times by NTs that I care only for myself. I won't lie to you that giving so little as a compliment is hard for fear of saying something offensive, yet at the same time I have no problem criticizing the flaws of others or even my own flaws. There is definately a conflict there

Last edited by Whitaker on 11 Aug 2010, 1:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I relate to what you are doing, when you say you have to protect yourself.

We use the social defenses we have, to protect ourselves and maintain our peace of mind. If for some reason you lack the ability to deal with someone, cutting them off is sometimes healthier for an Aspie to do than letting things get to a point of meltdown.

One way to do this more constructively I've found is to take vacations from people. Just let them know you're going through a stage where you need to be alone and out of touch for a while. You can even tell them it's an Asperger thing. People will understand if they get you.

People who don't understand that you need some alone time. are DEFINITELY the ones to cut off, anyways.

Hope I interpreted your question properly and that this helps.

I've acted rude, during my punk rock phase. I got a real kick, out of it. I've long since changed, and I don't see any point, in such behaviour.