it may already be too late for me (at least I feel that way).
My name is Val and I'm nearly certain that I have AS. I'm originally from NYC but have been living in South Florida for a long time (maybe too long)
Unlike some folks here, I did not know about AS until fairly late in life (just turned 39 but have been researching the subject for several months now). I am having all these a-ha moments because there are so many things about me that finally makes sense. Unfortunately, knowing these things have made me somewhat depressed because I keep thinking of what "could have been" had I'd known sooner. I am hoping to get pas this phase but it is really hard right now.
My childhood can only be described as a nightmare: I would never wish it on ANYONE! In addition to having all the traits of AS (painfully shy, not being able to read body language, not having much if any friends, being bullied, having a crippling fear of being bullied, having an uncontrollable temper once I feel I'm being "attacked", it goes on), I had two addition circumstances that compounded if not "sealed the nail on the coffin for me":
1. My father, I'm convinced also had AS. As such, he was never emotionally there for me (He has never told me he loved me. Even today when I see him, he will shake my hand instead of giving me a hug and I'll get a handshake if it is a special day like my birthday. Otherwise, there is no acknowledgment of my existence). He also was never able to keep a job (despite the fact that he had two Master's Degrees). This ruined the family financially (We were always on the verge of eviction, foreclosure almost on a yearly basis). We were always poor and so basic things like going to the doctor were out of the question (He never held on to a job long enough to have consistent insurance so going to see a therapist or some other mental health specialist was always out of the question). When things got too hectic, my father would disappear for days, weeks, even months at a time. To this day, I don't understand why my mom would stay with him (Clearly she had self esteem issues too since it is apparent to me that she didn't think she could do better).
2. My oldest sister was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. She would hear voices and would have delusions that people (random people and famous people) were out to kill her. She became very violent and eventually turned on me and other members of my family. To the extent that I had a predisposition of being isolated, my sister's situation compounded the problem immensely. I thought this was happening only to me and that I was a freak. My parents didn't do anything to try to get her help (My siblings and I had to do it). My father thinks psychology is a load of crock and that my sister needed a good spanking to "cure" her. Clearly, if he thought about that with her, then my problems were even less significant meaning that I would be doomed as well. I am certain that besides AS, I have been emotionally damaged by her and my upbringing.
I have one (maybe two) friends but we don't speak often. I have never been married, never had a real girlfriend and have never had sex. Other than work, it is like I don't exist. For example, if I take a week off from work, I can go that whole week without ever speaking to anyone. Even now on the weekends, it is commonplace that I don't speak to someone, get a phone call or what have you.
As with most folks with AS, I have developed unusual interests (some still current others not so much so): I am very interested in history, I like to read about useless "factoids", and I love music. I taught myself how to play the guitar and keyboards. More importantly, I have become a master of digital audio recording, including mastering all the hardware and software currently in use in major recording studios when making a record. There was a brief period in my past where I was the "goto" person to contact if you needed troubleshooting for your computer or recording studio. People used to label me a genius in that aspect but quite frankly, most people to me who were involved in music were absolute idiots.
I have also really gotten into fitness and work out 5 -6 times a week. It has become obsessive and I know this. Sometimes I will call in sick from work just to go to the gym. I am also a stickler when it comes to my routine: I have to go on my designated days or else I'll be in a bad mood for the day. I eat at specific times of the day, I eat only certain foods (I hate all types of seafood. So much so that I can get sick just looking at it), and I don't drink. Ironically, it is one of the few things I feel I do well and it also doesn't require me to socialize with anyone: I'll put on my ipod and do my thing without ever uttering a word to anyone even if the gym is filled to capacity. I have been a member of a particular gym for over 10 years and there are people in that gym who have been members for at least as long as me and I have never said a word to them, not even hello. I don't look them in the face and don't care to. Even before I knew about AS, I was aware that that was not normal but I could help myself nor could I muster up the courage just to say hi. There are a few folks there that I do say hi to but that is only because THEY came up to me and said hi first. Only then, would I instinctively say hi to them whenever I would see them after that but they wouldn't get much more than a hi after that.
If there is a positive side effect of me having AS (and my upbringing) is that I have been able to set out clear, non-interactive goals for myself and have been fairly successful. Without any support from my parents, I was able to get my Bachelors of Science in Statistics and worked as an Actuary for a couple of years. I became bored and decided to go back to school to get my Juris Doctorate in law although I feel that was a mistake somewhat. I don't practice law but I clerk for the courts which means that all I basically do is research and write all day. This is a good fit for me in that I don't have to speak to anyone at work unless absolutely necessary. Mentally, the work can be stimulating and it requires a lot of thought and analysis, but the field also requires a great deal of socializing and networking (especially if you want to advance) and I don't do any of that so my job is basically a dead end position unless I make an active decision to change my ways.
Ironically, the best job I've ever had that made me 100% satisfied was when I would freelance as a music engineer at commercial studios / home studios. I really love music, that is my passion but my AS kept me from pursuing that further.
I am glad I stumbled on to this website and I am hoping the information here can help me but I'm not holding my breath. I read somewhere that being completely isolated, in the long run, is not healthy but it is really hard to change.
Val
14 Aug 2010, 2:29 pm
