Frustrated with the wife, don't know what to do.

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My wife has several times made decisions about my stuff without consulting me.
She's deleted phone messages, deleted the contents of my USB key containing several classes's worth of notes,
but what she has done now has me more frustrated than I can express.
She has her own mental health issues, and she didn't want to go to a family friend that is a psychologist because it might have gotten back to her family that she had issues. She wanted to be the one to tell them in her own time, on her terms.
I told her that I wanted to tell her family about my Asperger's Syndrome in person. She said the timing wasn't right because it was her sister's graduation that weekend. A month later, she apparently told her family that I was going for psychological assessments and that I was changing careers. Just recently I caught her telling her family in French (I only speak English, but I over heard the words assessment, attention problems, etc.) I intervened, and told her family over the phone about Asperger's. After that conversation I had it out with my wife. She used a couple excuses, and finally just said sorry and asked what she could do to make me feel better. I don't know what to do now. I feel like my wife betrayed me. She only cared about how the conversation might affect her family, she didn't consider me. Furthermore, she would have let me be surprised when her family brings up the subject, she wouldn't have told me that they already knew.

How am I supposed to feel? What do I do now?

Sounds to me like she is very close to her family and setting the stage that your diagnosis is something that she just found out about, and not a secret she has been keeping from the family. I would be more concerned about the deleteing files and messages. Thats just plain rude (even if she is French).

People are relentlessy self-centered. No amount of resentment on your part is going to fix that in the world. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for us to adjust our expectations so we are not disappointed by the behavior of others.

I stayed in a rage for three days because my housekeeper threw out a half-full bottle of shampoo. I was justified in my anger, but I just couldn't stop being angry, even after admitting to myself that it was silly and that the bottle had been sitting there half full for two years and was never going to get used anyway.

Some of what we feel is justified. How much of it we feel is sometimes not justified.

Without me taking her issues into consideration, maybe you two could talk about a common strategy? Coordinating on a common strategy and sometimes even compromising (when BOTH parties give in a little) can bring two people together as a team with a common goal instead of just two people doing what they want when they want to do it, which is what we end up with most of the time.

And then each of you will only do just so much of what you said you were going to do and you will both be angry again, justified, but probably more angry than it warrants.

I recall when my live-in ex-gf deposited my valuable coin collection

People often don't think what they are doing in the moment and how the other person will respond. Tell her it is important to you that she ask you first before getting rid of something of yours or speaking for you. It is your responsibility not to let her walk over your feelings by communicating your expectations clearly.

I agree with Stoneman. This is really about lack of communication and respect, towards you personally and as regards your property. It sounds like she's not considering how you would feel with her actions, and still putting her original family first. If you can sit down together and you can let her know that what she did left you feeling betrayed and hurt, and that this news of aspergers was for you to relay, or alternatively together with your wife, not for her to talk about without you.
Sometimes people dont realise when they've been hurtful or crass, and they need telling, but in a calm way, it has more effect.

My husband throws my stuff out, or did, (at least, hasn't for a while, that I know of). I had to put it in black and white terms for him - he's not to do things with my stuff. He can draw it to my attention if he thinks I don't need it anymore, but he's not allowed to throw it out or hide it where I can't find it if I want it. He's just not allowed. I put it in these terms because nothing else worked. There are obvious things people in a relationship will not allow themselves to do or they'll be trampling on their partner's feelings. Lack of respect of their partner's individuality and autonomy is one of them.

As for her control of your Dx conversation, I'm sorry - I don't understand people. The commonly held belief is that AS people lack empathy etc. blah blah, but I've rarely met a NT who wasn't capable of gross breaches of trust without so much as blinking. I'm sure her motivation was justifiable to herself - something like putting her own slant on it would minimise the peculiarity and maximise the normalcy, which would increase her comfort with her family. I'm (still) working on the rules that define these transactions.

I don't have any explanation as to WHY she has done these things, but based on my experiences so far in my life the people close to me have repeatedly done things that I considered inconsiderate or a breach of trust and when I confronted them about it, they were mostly or entirely clueless about the problem, or they acted that way. This includes: Doing anything to "my stuff" including reorganizing it, moving it, giving it away to other people, losing it, breaking it etc. I have decided that compared to NT's I am more sensitive than most people when it concerns my posessions, simply because over and over again people seem to think I am overreacting or I get very upset about these things and the other person is bewildered. Likewise breaches of trust: I tell a person something, and they tell somebody else when I didn't intend that information to be "public knowledge" (big issue with my mother, cousin), or I ask someone to promise not to say anything about something personal and they refuse, etc. etc. Or very often, other people in the family makes plans together and do not inform me.

Leaving out her motives because frankly there is nothing you can do about them, I think it would be best for you to explain, as calmly as possible, in each instance, that the type of behavior she is doing bothers you. A LOT. More than she thinks it does. You will probably have to do so more than once. I'm just going from my experience, that most of these things that bother me are considered "quirks" or "no big deal" by other people. I'm not saying it's right (of course I think I'm right) but that is the predominant view and so just like I don't think they should expect me to know what they are thinking about some social convention I've just ignored again, I can't expect them to know that it REALLY bugs me when they take the stuff I had in the car out in the name of "cleaning" it or they get rid of something I was saving for possible future use however unlikely it might seem or whatever other scenario has just upset me. More than likely, she will not understand why this is "such a big deal." But every loving relationship eventually includes conceding that the other person has things that you don't understand, but because you care about them, it IS a "big deal" even if ONLY because they think it is.