I think my boy friend has Aspergers, but not really sure.

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My name is Anna, I am here in need of help with my boy friend. I am pretty sure he has Aspergers, because he seems to have all signs of someone who have ASD. I havent asked to confirm that.

My friend who has a relative with ASD is convienced that my bf has ASD. She sees strong similarities between my boy friend and her relative.

On a recent 6 hour trip, we had to pull over every hour for him to exercise for 20 mins. He is in the Military Reserves and he seems to be quiet fascinated with the army. We mostly do anything recreational on Army basis including like birthday weekend. He seems to fascination with Tanks. It never occurred to him that I would not find it interesting. We usually do what he wants to do and when he wants to do.

Romantically he doesnt understand his role as a boy friend. He proudly introduces me as his Girl Friend to his colleagues and Relatives. But going to dinner or calling me to see how I am is an issue for us.

He is a very nice man who I believe has feelings for me and he is really committed to me, I like him so much and I dont want even think about break up with him. But I am really getting frustrated that I dont really feel my needs are being met. I tried to express this to him, but he seems to get aggravated and ends the conversation quickly.

Would anyone here would agree with my friend that he has a good chance of having ASD? If so how should I address my problems with him and fix this issue?

Again I really like him and want to be him and see a healthy relationship. Any advice is very much appreciated.

Anna

No. You provided not enough sufficient data, like everyone else here asking if they have AS or if their husband does (half these cases, they don't. they're just finding an excuse for their abuse.)

A doctor would require his childhood history, under observation, and you tell us he's obsessed with military and doesn't seem to want to talk to you. whoopee, what else is there to say?

Buryuntime, thanks for ur response. But please do not say I am trying to find an excuse for my abuse.

If he really has no ASD, I think I will be the first person to be happy, but if he has and if someone knows how to deal or fix the issue, I would be really helpful.

hi anna123.

i think you should just ask your boyfriend about this. if he gets frutrated and shuts down when you try to talk, you could send an email with your concerns and suspicions instead. i personally find emails less confrontational and overwhelming. also, there is time to really think about what the person is saying that way.

just be direct. nice, but direct. if he is on the spectrum, hints may not accomplish anything.

say that you want x, y, and z.
ask if doing a, b, and c would be helpful for him in knowing what you want from him.

stuff like that. you can't just say, "i want you to act more like a boyfriend." give examples like-- "i want you to check in with me every day."

Thanks everyone.

i_Am_andaJoy I even tried emailing you 2 months ago, saying that "I feel that in our relationship we need more time together both in Quality and in Quantity. If we dont talk and spend more quality time together how are we going to get to know each other better".

He replied saying "We should focus on being friends and enjoying each others company. More is not better in this case"

Even there I have disappointment. Long back in of the conversation I told him that I would be happy if I see a phone call at least once day. And he said that has to happen Naturally. As I said earlier, he is very serious in the relationship but I know nothing about him since he dont talk or spent time together . When I see his call or text I feel so happy. I enjoy each and every minute when I am with you. Even though he acts so weird I still like him so much.

She is in love! You guys are being cruel.

It is true that you can't change him. But you could nudge him in the right direction and watch him change himself slooowly.

Whoever suggested to take the discussion to e-mail had the right idea. He doesn't have the social skills to discuss deep matters in person, at least partly because of his anxiety. E-mailing him your concerns could be productive, IF you are very gentle and very careful how you lay out your concerns.

Aspies are insecure and very self conscious. If he suspects you are being critical or derisive, or if you are in any way suggesting he could be doing something wrong, he'll shut down and you'll just get a canned non-commital reply from him. If that happens, stop and give him some more time before approaching the subject again.

Who started the relationship? You or him?

Thank you all.

We met in online website. I think fourth date he introduced me to his co-worker as his Girl Friend. I was very surprised and shocked when he did that, because until then I myself not sure what kind of place I have in his life.

But on online dating site, I was the first person to email him, then he had done all arrangements to meet in the coffee shop.

^^ That surprises you? It's a textbook example of what an aspie guy would say and do.

They are so inexperienced that any girl that talks to them is a potential girlfriend, and a girl that goes out with them just once is automatically assumed a girlfriend. They want to have someone in their life soooo badly. They want the reassurance and the emotional anchor. It isn't about sex. BUT! They have no idea how to keep her, or what makes a relationship work. They can't reciprocate. It is sooo sad just typing about it.

To add a problem on top of a problem, they are expected to make the first move and initiate a relationship. So not only do they have trouble finding a date, they have even more trouble keeping her. They are aware of the former, but unaware of the challenges of the latter. When they do meet someone, due to their past history of loneliness and desperation (sorry guys but it's true) they become super obsessive and afraid of losing her. Guess what????! That behavior will cut a date short and you won't see her again, just as surely as telling her you never want to see her again. It is self sabotaging. So it just goes around in circles.

EDIT: to the OP, he is not being aloof or cold. He probably loves you very much and would be crushed if you left. He just doesn't know how to reciprocate in a relationship and probably doesn't know how to communicate his feelings. You have a lot of work to do on him.

makes me think how stupid some people with AS are
I mean I am not so detached from the world that I would do that

Dilbert - Thank you so much. Your input is very helpful. With the exception of being obsessive you were right on point. What is your advice for long term relationship? If I dont break up with you he will be mine forever, which makes me happy in one way, but at the same time it is hard to think he has this kind of a problem

My friend thinks that I should ask him whether he has ASD, but I am very nervous even to bring it up to him. I dont want to insult him. What do you think I should do? Please help.