New NT dating a guy with AS

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Hey all,

Stumbled across this forum while researching AS. I met a guy over a year ago who I've since developed really strong feelings for. I've known from pretty much the beginning that he has mild AS, but didn't really think much of it until recently. When he told me he wanted to actually have a relationship with me rather than just be friends, I started researching AS alot more - specifically reading books about NT/AS relationships & how they work. So I guess I signed up here to learn more about my boyfriend & what makes him tick, & how I can be the best partner for him in the long run. I want to read everything I can & get as many opinions as I can. I know I'm in for a tough relationship, but he's worth it to me.

Looking forward to talking with everyone on here.

Welcome!

Thanks!

Welcome aboard the WP, somechick.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hi. Research is always a good thing.

Welcome aboard, somechick!

A word of warning: It is my sincere belief that those who describe their AS as 'mild' simply do not have a full grasp of the condition or how pervasive its effects truly are.

A neurological condition that skews one's perceptions from the norm causes a person to see, hear, experience and evaluate every single thing that ever occurs to or around them differently than everyone else. That is no 'mild' effect. It alters literally everything.

Since we don't experience life the same way everyone else does, we can't react to life the way everyone else does. Sometimes this results in useful, creative 'outside the box' thinking, sometimes in behavior that to us is perfectly rational as we see things, but strikes others as odd or irritating - often both at the same time.

Those differences even when they are so subtle as to be nearly invisible, cause others to react to us and to treat us in ways different than than they treat those they perceive as 'peers'. We spend much of our lives feeling alienated and outcast. We tend to suffer from depression and mood swings in higher numbers than the norm.

Our difference in perception means that we often misunderstand or misinterpret the needs and intentions of others, making us inept in relationships, often unable to determine or even notice the needs of partners and SOs; and easily susceptible to the manipulations and duplicity of the ill-intended.

All these things contribute to who we are, who we become as individuals. They mold and shape our personalities as surely as any other contributing factor. And what all that adds up to is much more than what one could possibly describe as 'mild'.

That said, I used to refer to my AS as 'mild', too, until I came to more fully understand just what it all means. Now when someone uses that word, I just roll my eyes. 'Oh, look - another newbie'.

Thanks so much guys!

Willard - I think you are right, & as I've done research on my own, there are so many things I read & I think, "that is SO him!" I know he got diagnosed at a young age, & his parents don't seem very understanding about it at all - they kind of have a "get over it" sort of attitude. I just want to do everything I can to understand him, since I know most of the time he doesn't understand me. I'm not even sure exactly how willing he is to talk about it...he told me pretty much straight away that he has AS, I asked him what exactly it means, & he gave me a few ways he knows that it affects him, but as I'm beginning to dig deeper & getting to know him more, I'm seeing things that definitely lead me to believe that he doesn't even recognize all of the ways it influences him. There are so many times where he gets frustrated & I get kind of a, "I feel upset but I don't know WHY" sort of response. It doesn't seem like he's connected it with AS.

I sincerely appreciate all the warm welcomes & any other advice or suggestions.

First of all, welcome to wrongplanet, somechick.

Secondly, I think it's a very brave step having a serious relationship with an aspie. It won't be easy for either of you at first, but perhaps it will develop into a very meaningful relationship later on. Some aspies tend to take relationships and other things very seriously. You're making an aspie out there a very lucky person, many of us find it difficult to socialise, and therefore develop close relationships. You are making someone's dreams come true. Congratulations!

Thirdly, Researching AS and AS relationships is a very nice thing to do, but don't get too confident- All aspies are different, just like everyone else is different. We aspies are all affected in different ways, and not all of us will match a textbook definition of AS, or HFA. The diagnosis of AS is not set in stone.

Fourthly, to get to this point of connectedness to AS. I was actually diagnosed as having mild AS. I myself don't know whether I should describe myself as being mildly affected. I would take a skeptic view on this, we never really know. I don't really know how mild I am.

Welcome to wrong planet somechick.

I believe there are several threads that cover as-nt relationships in the love and dating section if you still have your doubts you can create a new thread there.

Thanks Sax & spongy.

The more I research, the more I'm seeing the different ways different people are affected. With the info I'm learning, I'm slowly beginning to see how my boyfriend is affected, which is starting to help me piece together what I can do or how I can respond to certain situations. I'm definitely aware that I'm in for a tough relationship...but it's such a relief to actually know now that certain things actually don't have anything to do with me, & that I really can take him at his word (a HUGE problem I had with my ex). It's really great to be able to be in a community where people are willing to talk to me about it & offer advice.

Hello.

Welcome to WP!