Inexorable Love

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I'm hesitant to say that I'm seventeen because it seems the stereotype of ageism prevails and people would respond as if they need to be patronizing to me instead of equal. But, I'm a young politician where I live, with big political plans. I became interested in politics two years ago when I began socializing with people more and my two best and first friends in the summer of 2008. I suppose I developed my skills in political and economic theorizing as a coping skill to deal with the depression I've dealt with since I started using my brain to think more than America's average teenager.

Currently, I'm pretty depressed and lonely. I didn't get accepted to college, although I graduated high-school a year early in June. My two best friends are going away. One is moving to Texas and the other I don't talk to much anymore. I spend most of my time sculpting and painting or writing political essays; I'm also writing my first memoir of a three volume collection I plan to write in my lifetime. One of the most important parts of this memoir, which will be unusual in the sense that it will be personal, as memoirs are usually not personally about the author, will be my view on interpersonal relationships between people, and the value I see in the uniqueness of people. How two people can have the same name, look exactly the same and think and act similarly, and yet they're unique. There's only one of me and only one of you. It is in this mindset I have set myself up for depression and dependency on others.

Last winter I met a girl whose attraction confuses me. She has Asperger's Syndrome. She likes drawing and animals. Before I met her, I spent most of my time alone. After I met her, and we went to the mall to see a movie the first time we officially "Hungout", I got to know her better. I met her father; a gruff and witty elderly man who's got the spirit of an American patriot. And her mother's a nice lady too. Over the past six months, I've fallen in love with this girl. I was attracted to her when I first saw her, yet my friendship with her over the past half-year has confirmed the feelings I have for her. Over the past six months, I went to her house almost everyday, which seemed to be just fine with her. She drew, I worked on 3D art, and we watched a few movies and played with her rats. I felt like I belonged there. I felt like she wanted me there. And yet, in June, I was feeling depressed and hopeless and was missing her intensely. I left her a voicemail one day explaining that, and she sent me a message the next day saying that we're only casual friends, and that she'll apportion her time to whom she sees fit. I can see over the past few weeks that that's clearly not me.

I don't know what I should do. I don't want to be invasive in her life. But I don't want to be left behind either. I want to be important to her, but that's an arrogant and self-centered train of thought that my mother always had (She wanted my affection and complained about a lack of it) when I had no affection to give to her. I really do love this young woman. I would give my life to her if only she would me. But I doubt that she would. And the way I view relationships is that, before, I was only going to have a relationship with one person in my life, so that they could always be special and not part of a common denominator of people who've "Had a relationship with me". I don't understand how someone can share intimate experiences with multiple people and have each one be significant. And after my love for this young woman, I feel it would be "Unfair" to have a relationship with anyone in my life at all, because I want to have a life with her, and I shall wait as long as it takes, even if that's the rest of my life. People will probably say I'm "Just a teenager" and don't know what I'm talking about. Well, I had a crush on a girl for six years in grade school. This is not grade school, and this is not a crush. This is life, and this is true love in a world without love for people who don't know how to adapt to it. All I want is at least to have my friend back and be able to spend time with her, but I don't know how or what to do with her. I want another chance for a relationship and yet I don't know how to obtain such a thing. I want happiness, and I know my happiness lies in this young woman, and yet I don't know how to get it... I'm lost and hoping for help. I hope you can give me your view on this.

Meow. If those were her exact words, that was a bit bitchy. It's clear that she sees herself pulling the strings in this friendship.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's a horrible person, I don't know her personally, but just from the sounds of it, she may be well aware that you are at her beck and call (and maybe she is feeling suffocated a bit too; every day is quite often to hang around).

I agree with you, don't try to date anyone else unless you feel ready, but I also think you should try and plan a few more activities in your week that don't involve her. She's given you a clear (if overly harsh) signal that she's just a friend and doesn't want to spend all day every day with you, so now it's up to you to do the same back; you don't need to quit being friends (although if I were you, I'd let her stew for a bit and let her contact you next) but you need to sort of shrug and move on.

It is a bit gutting to think you are closer to someone than it turns out, but it's a mistake everyone makes from time to time, so don't feel stupid.

I'm assuming you declared your feelings for her and that was her response? Or did you put it in a non direct way... in which case maybe her response was out of context... though I can't say what that context would be.

I sent her a letter and she texted me after reading it saying "You're such a great friend!" I wasn't sure what that meant so I just went to her house like usual when I got out of school that day. That day she also asked me why I come to her house everyday "Why do you come here?" I forget what I said but it diverted the conversation and we talked about something completely different. I now have not seen her in months and she's not going to contact me. In fact she's now in a relationship with one of her friends she's known comparatively longer than I. Almost all of her friends she talks to mostly online and sees them once a year at Anthrocon, or other Furry conventions. It seems to me that I was just a friend to her in the near 6-month interim between the eventfulness of seeing all her friends when she was relatively at home most of the time. It's sad to think of myself in such an insiginificant way.

The letter is now gone forever yet the feelings still remain.

This might sound strange, but did you ever make any advances? I mean physical ones. Girls are used to guys being quite overt about their intentions (at least I was when I was your age) and if a guy didn't really go for it, I missed all the subtlety and wouldn't realize that he liked me until it was too late and I had inadvertently hurt his feelings by responding to a more socially forward guy.

I did not.

And when you read this don't be alarmed, it's just the way of my life now. But I've been, you could say "Suicidally" depressed for almost a year now. No, I'd never kill myself. What keeps me from that is a set of lofty goals that have since become more actively engaged goals rather than just fallback interests to save me from depression. I am now actually, a politician and businessman. Alas, only seventeen and not very credible. My pursuit of happiness seems over. It doesn't seem "Right" to love someone else besides Laurel.

If it's a "first love" situation, you may never get over it, but you can move on.

I've been in love twice. My first love relationship ended twenty years ago, and I wound up hospitalized for a while after that. Seven years later, I met my second love, and we just had our 19th anniversary a few weeks ago. I'm still not "over" my first love. After all this time it still hurts, and always will. But, I can handle it. So, too, can you.

"First love"?