Hello everyone. Came across this site and figured it would do me well to get to know some people who may have some experience with similar issues. I'm 28, married and live in the beautiful Asheville, NC. Aside from some questions on coping strategies, I think my the most prominent question I have is about the value of a formal diagnosis of aspergers.
In my late teens I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder based on tantrums and what appeared to be manic behavior while growing up. Once I got out of high school though and the hormones of adolescence had passed, the affective issues seemed to disappear and I haven't had any symptoms that could be described as bipolar for nearly 10 years now. However, with the layer of affective confusion seemingly gone, the issues I have dealt with since then lead me to wonder if it was aspergers all along. In hindsight, I believe what we thought was mania was merely intense focus with tantrums when I was interrupted or had to abruptly change course.
Basically what I'm dealing with now is this. Seemingly no emotions, yet I can feel them inside. I just can't connect them with the outside world. I can relate emotionally to an abstract group better than I can an individual. When I do have to deal with individuals, I feel as though my social skills are running in software where most people's seem to be hardware accelerated. If I'm faced with a dynamic social situation that I haven't thought through or had practice with I just fall apart. When I do relate to someone, I will usually only talk about certain topics and end up wearing them out. I don't understand why people do many of the things they do, to the point where I end up resenting much of humanity at times. I have difficulty communicating with my wife, family and friends. Don't like to be touched unless I'm in a certain mood. Can't stand loud noises and bright light. I've even hung towels and blankets over all the windows. I'm obsessed with dust in my office... even have a dust-proof box of dusting supplies. Sometimes I want to socialize, or at least feel an expectation to, but just can't bring myself to do it. My sleep has been screwed up for the past decade (though I think that was from mono frying my body clock). When I was young I would stay inside and read encyclopedias while everyone else was out playing. etc... etc...
For the most part I have coped well. My wife and I are pretty independent, so that helps a lot. Sometimes though it does get to her and she'll yell... in which case my just standing there with an apathetic expression tends to make her more upset. As far as work goes (I do I.T. stuff), all I have to say is that I am really lucky my family has their own business. Being able to make my own hours and pretty much decide when and what to do has given me plenty of room to explore and figure things out. One of the brick walls I am currently running into though is now that I am getting my own business going, I am realizing just how important socializing is. I see so many people my age with college degrees going to meet-ups and doing the whole social networking thing and I just can't bring myself to do it. Sometimes my life feels perfectly normal, and then I realize I've been sealed up in the apartment for a week and my family is signing my paychecks. Though I'm grateful for my situation, I don't know how/if I could make it in the "real" world, and it freaks me out sometimes.
Anyways, I hope I didn't ramble and rant too much. I figured many here would know what I'm talking about. Looking forward to getting to know some of you!
Adam
04 Sep 2010, 8:20 pm
