just another post by someone who is depressed

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I like many aspies suffer from depression. I took it out on my friends and I don't want their forgiveness. It's selfish but I want what I have always wanted, a woman in my life that could love me in a typical human relationship. I am going to miss my friends though, but the person I loved was one of them and in my anger I told them to choose me or her. I don't think they will pick me, I wouldn't pick me. After seven years I finally asked her out, the only word I got out of her was 'no'. I have considered suicide because of the fact that everything I have worried about and dreamed of was because of her, now I no longer have that or my friends. She was the type of woman that made me feel like I could be digging ditches for a living and I would have been happy, but I was not the kind of guy she wanted and no woman I have met has been as strong willed as her. I'm a dead man without her.

I'm not practicing what I'm preaching but could you try to move on from this? I myself and terribly obsessed with one woman in particular who, even after I have superficially "Moved on" and gotten into a relationship with someone, is still and will eternally be a ghost in my memories. I wallow in my despair, and sometimes take pleasure in my misery and the fact that I have someone so important to me to sacrifice my mental welfare for. But I'm trying to move on' although it's doubtful if I ever will.

Since you seem to be more fit for the first option I presented, I have a question: Do you have some ultimate or overriding goal in your life? Do you have a life dream you wish to9 see accomplished that you think would garner you recognition and fame among people of your calling in society? Or do you have no such vision?

Perhaps you could find something which could be your life's pursuit. That's how I've survived. I'm not sure what advice I can give you since I'm in a similar situation. But talking helps. My AIM's Rosennoir if you want to talk.

I hope you can find your path. I still haven't found mine.

I understand totally the feeling of only wanting love and not caring about dismissing friends who can't commit my ideal of relationships. I don't even value "friends" anymore cus I've never met a real one, only people who want to use me for something.

suicide has always been in my mind, to varying degrees, for like 9 years. I think I can't get it accomplished because it seems like admitting defeat to those who weakened me. And I'll never do that.

I'm obsessed with music now though since I made the high energy and lyrics that push me into revenge mode. I can barely make it through a day without music (metal and rap), so I guess just be careful with whatever method you choose.

I chose politics and I'm damn glad.

Koerner, one of the saddest things I have ever seen in my life was a young man who'd killed himself because the girl he loved turned him down. He was 18.

It was sad because of the heartbreak he must have been feeling and it was sad because it brought back painful memories for myself (similar situation a few years ago) but it was tragic that for the sake of one transient emotion, he deprived himself of 50 or 60 years of life, not to mention traumatising his family and his friend for the rest of their lives too.

Had he lived, he would have coped and would have eventually moved on. I probably sound disrespectful for saying this, but killing himself was the most stupid thing he could have done, especially over something like this. It's prideful, vengeful, immature and so so short-sighted. These things pass. Believe me, they do, it's not just a cliche.

Please don't kill yourself Koerner. Hide under your duvet for a week and eat junk-food and watch as many (non romantic) comedies as you can find. Listen to music and then when you get sick of being inside, get dressed and go out for a walk. Pay attention to everything you see and smell and hear and realise that had killed yourself, you would never have had the opportunity to experience them. Appreciate the really small things because had you killed yourself, you'd never see them again.

And in a few weeks, if you feel ready, ring up your friends and apologise to them and explain what happened. Most people have been through heartbreak so if they have the slightest compassion, they will understand.

Take care.

Lene

This is a bit OT, but be careful about the music you listen too when you are having a rough time. Alot of times people listen to music in order to vent their emoitions, but If you listen to the same type of music (especialy angry/depressed music), It has the opposite effect, and will only re-inforce your negitive emotions. Its a really bad spiral that is really hard to get out of, because you dont know that it is happening. If you want to feel better, and not be so depresed, suicidal, try surrounding yourself with stuff that makes you happy, even if it doesnt make you happy right now. Do this for a week, and I promise you will start to feel better, If not, maybe you should look into talking with a professional about your problem.

Thank you for the constructive advice, I am glad to express my feelings here at the wrong planet. One thing I tend to do when I feel this way is if I feel suicidal right now is wait it out, maybe things get better. As for my fixation on this woman it had started years ago, I never really acted on it until recently; I had instead tried to go out and find someone I wasn't fixated on as much. Didn't work out all that well, I got desperate and finally decided to come clean about my feelings and when it blew up in my face I had already had all these hopes of what could possibly happen then I got upset. I will keep my distance from my friends for now, maybe we chat sometime and maybe we won't but your right when you say I should take my time and enjoy the little things I do enjoy. I think for the most part I just feel lonely for company of the female human variety when stress is getting to me. At my work I usually have to listen to kid's songs due to the severe to moderate MR of my clients, so I don't worry too much about music. In my personal life though, I do tend to listen to a lot of rock music which maybe I should avoid if it has a potential effect on my mood. Thank you again wrong planet for reading, and helping me talk about what's going on in my life.