I'm not sure what/if I missed certain social skills here but

Post Reply New Topic

Here is a copy of an IM conversation between me and my friend on MSN, about music, can anyone tell me why he thinks this and what I should do to change it? What social mistake am I making? What does what hes saying say about bad social skills i've displayed with him?

9/5/2010 10:14:30 PM syn Sick and Apathetic listen to those synths!!
9/5/2010 10:14:33 PM syn Sick and Apathetic just the first 10seconds
9/5/2010 10:14:37 PM syn Sick and Apathetic is amazing awesome. like razed in black kinda
9/5/2010 10:16:00 PM Sick and Apathetic syn dunno I like Left Spine Down the most for punk style vocals
9/5/2010 10:16:15 PM syn Sick and Apathetic you take i give you work i live you know i feel you're fake... i'm real
9/5/2010 10:16:16 PM Sick and Apathetic syn Their crossover of metal and DnB is awesome sounding
9/5/2010 10:16:17 PM syn Sick and Apathetic hahaha this is sooo awesome
9/5/2010 10:16:23 PM syn Sick and Apathetic dude are u deaf or something lol
9/5/2010 10:16:29 PM syn Sick and Apathetic everytime i show u something incredible ur either non responsive
9/5/2010 10:16:33 PM syn Sick and Apathetic or ur just like eh whatever
9/5/2010 10:16:37 PM Sick and Apathetic syn Im listening to the Systemshock song right now
9/5/2010 10:16:38 PM syn Sick and Apathetic lol
9/5/2010 10:16:44 PM syn Sick and Apathetic 2nd one is better mayybe
9/5/2010 10:16:47 PM syn Sick and Apathetic but its all f*****g good!
9/5/2010 10:16:56 PM syn Sick and Apathetic the vocals are perfect texture
9/5/2010 10:17:04 PM syn Sick and Apathetic and the production is awesome
9/5/2010 10:17:13 PM syn Sick and Apathetic ill take.. the red pill... cuz ur fake... im real
9/5/2010 10:17:14 PM Sick and Apathetic syn Im not ignoring what your saying
9/5/2010 10:17:22 PM Sick and Apathetic syn Im just responding to things slowly

I don't see anything wrong with what you said. If he expects everyone to have the same opinions as him, he's unreasonable. Just because he thinks certain things are "incredible" doesn't make it true.

This sounds like a normal conversation to me, albeit between two folks with slightly different musical interests who are maybe getting on each others' nerves. Which one are you?


Cheers,

TH

Well I sort of feel like he said that because maybe he doesn't think I show enough interest or something or comment on feelings.

OK, all honesty: the one who's doing most of the talking (i.e., "why don't you think this is cool like I do") is exhibiting a less socially acceptable form of interaction, but neither of you read to me as being outside of the norm.

There may be areas where you show too little reaction to X or Y or Z, but there's nothing in this IM that gives me any reason to think that.


Cheers,

TH

This makes no sense. Who's who?

It depends. Do you never show interest in anything, or are you just apathetic towards some of the things that he thinks are really great? From the conversation you've posted, he comes across as a person wanting his interest in the song to be validated, but IMO you're under no obligation to do so if you don't think it's as "incredible" as he does.

Mostly, he just sounds a little immature and needy (although not incredibly so, for someone high school age). He seems to not be able to handle the fact that you aren't answering as quickly as he would like, and you aren't getting all excited about the same thing he's getting excited about.

I'm not seeing anything in the conversation that indicates any kind of poor social skills on your part. In fact, the part where you say, "I'm not ignoring what you're saying, I'm just responding to things slowly," is an example of particularly good social skills, in my opinion. I'm no expert on MSN, or IMing, or whatever, but I think it's good to let people know those things, because they can't see you.

I hate IMing, because I can't think or type very fast. Personally, I think if people can't wait for me to come up with a sensible thing to say, and at least attempt to get my grammar right, then they probably shouldn't be talking to me in the first place. If people are pressured to type a response without thinking, then the conversation is just people jabbering at each other, with no meaningful communication.

Here is another situation with someone else. Copied from our inbox conversation

Me: "Aw, why not? hopefully I will go next year . if I have money, and a job I will.
>Why don't you think you'll do well?
>I'm seeing The Breathing Process tonight, its a big melodic death metal band out of CT. I know the guys personally, we hung out last night and smoked weed together, it was fun "

Her: "Heh hopefully they do it next year, Jet got a lot of s**t from this concert and a lot of drama within the vampirefreaks crew.
I mean I know a lot of it because I'm friends with a few of the Inner Circle people and bleh.
That's pretty cool, I've never herd of em though. Sounds like fun though, Glad you were able to. Though, I'm not so much on smoking pot, I'll pretend like I understand that liking xD"

Me: "You wouldn't think differently me of me for smoking it though right?"

Her: "No, It's just a personal choice. I've seen so many of my friends doped up on all sorts of things and to me, they just look f*****g stupid. I don't want to look stupid like that and have no control of my thoughts, actions, or what comes out of my mouth. Even if the control is still there but wavers, I don't like it. I will never judge someone for doing it, my best friend is the biggest pot head in the world, but I love her with all my heart. I just dislike it. As for me, I am a drinker.... which is just as bad if not worse. I mean... I've gotten really f*****g stupid."

Me: "I feel the same way. The thing you have to realize is things like weed don't make people like that, they are ALREADY like that or have that mindset, its just the weed amplifies it. You don't totally lose control of your thoughts when your high, if anything you have more control. You have philosophical thoughts that flow so fast, and you have a more relaxed outlook on things. This doesn't happen with simple minded people though, and from talking to you, you don't seem simple minded at all."

Her: "I disagree with your statement, and I ask that you don't try and sell me it. Just a request. I'm sorry, I don't care how "philosophical" people get. People do get stupid when they smoke pot whether they want to admit it or not. My friends went to Rush Friday. One of them has a father who's close with the band so they all went back stage and they all smoked pot with the band and s**t. They went to Burger King and were causing the biggest scene cause their mental train of thought was ret*d and one of them was freaking out because he thought the food was too expensive so he walked away and then ordered half the menu. I watched the video and hey laughed and looked at me saying it was cooler at the time I just rolled my eyes and turned it off. I was completely disgusted by it. I've smoked before, not like I haven't. It's just nothing that I enjoyed I hated the feeling, I hated watching the video my friends showed me when I was sober and how ret*d I looked and acted. It enraged me. "

Me: ">Well, looks like I upset you a little. s**t.
>
>I don't know, it depends on the group or who you do it with. I prefer to do it by myself. I agree though that behavior like that is disgusting. I was talking to this girl who was high as f**k once, and she started laughing hysterically at me while we were talking. It was so f*****g upsetting, that I was depressed and a bit scared about it for the rest of the day."

Her: "You pissed me off. I don't like when people push their views on me. You speak of it in a positive light, like it's something universal that I should agree with. Personally I hate it, I hate being around people when they smoke. Been there, done that. If you can't be Philosophical without added help, don't be a philosopher. On the note of annoyances, don't resend messages. Comments are more than likely deleted, but inbox messages actually are received. My thing is that I'm usually busy and that's why I'm not answring. I've been busy as hell..".

She sounds incredibly oversensitive. I'm not hugely into weed either, but it upsets some people in a way I don't really understand.

She majorly overreacted, and clearly has a chip on her shoulder about this issue. You were quite reasonable throughout. She's acting like you offered to sell her weed or were trying to persuade her to smoke it, but all you did was hazard an opinion about the nature of its effects. All she had to do was disagree with you and offer a counter-argument, but she flew off the handle instead.

I disagree with that. I continued to push an opinion on her, like some religious zealot. I was trying to sell my idea even though shes already mentioned she had a personal reason for disliking it. I was presenting as a fact like "you should accept x", and was being unreasonable.

Thing is, that was an emotional and personal thing for her. Something I realized the other day, a social skill nobody really thinks about is what someone will take personally or feel like their emotions are being attacked.

When you attack the ethos of a person, for example
1. I love animals
2. person says "animal cruelty is great for business' anyone who disagrees is a bleedin-heart liberal"
3. Animal-lover responds defensively and loses respect for that person, possibly even viewing them in a negative light.

You have to realize or assume what a person will be emotional about, or take personally. If you step on one of those areas you'll be in bad territory.

I had a friend who was a teacher, and he told me straight up that he thought I was an as*hole and what he didn't like about me because of how I insulted his profession by dissing public schools and stuff in my Facebook / AIM status'.

I should have assumed that she would react emotionally or take that personally by using something such as a personal experience, or a story and straight up saying she did not like me talking about it.

You don't try to present an argument in those circumstances, its only reasonable to do that if someone comes after you telling you not to smoke for such and such reason, because its YOUR choice.

Thing is, I really can't tell when its a bad time to share my opinion or not, or when I shouldn't present other perspectives like its knowledge. I feel like everyone else CAN pick that up and senses by nature when not to share their opinions or argue to where it would be attacking someone.

You only said one statement putting forth your argument. She said she disagreed. It should have been left there. If you'd continued to argue the point after that, then yes, you'd have been in the wrong. However, she continued to berate you about it, and therefore she is in the wrong. She overreacted.

And didnt she say pretty much that she disagreed in like the second or third statement? It had to have been me saying "the thing you have to realize is.." like its something she should accept as the truth.

Yeah, that's the main area where you slipped up. That phrase is the part I'd excise.

So then I DID mess up. How did she overreact if I made my idea sound like it had to be a fact?