I think my whole family has Asperger's...

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First off, I've really enjoyed reading so many of the discussions here.

I'll try to keep this relatively short, but I am a woman pushing forty who grew up in a family of very non-neurotypical people. I always knew that my family was different from others for a multitude of reasons. After decades of wondering just what's up with my parents and brothers, I have come to the conclusion (with the help of a friend who is a social worker and knows my family well) that both of my parents and both of my brothers are scattered along the Asperger's/Autism spectrum. There are no official diagnoses (and never will be, because that's how they roll) but every single one of them exhibits so many of the indicators in the DSM that I really can't believe that I didn't realize this sooner.

While I share many of my family's quirks (lots of intellectual obsessions, a crazy knack for cataloguing vast amounts of info, a photographic memory), I have always been very emotional, affectionate, physical, and ridiculously empathetic. I like to talk about feeling and things that happened in the past in depth, mulling over their meaning--something that no one in my family has ever been capable of. Given that this behavior was at the complete opposite end of the spectrum from my nuclear family, I was actually the one who grew up feeling very "non-typical" and defective (one of the biggest insults in my family was that of being "sensitive"). I have never been close to them in any tangible way. It just doesn't seem possible.

This year a whole host of unfortunate events--my father's death being the major catalyst--exposed just how atypical our family dynamic is (as perceived from my perspective, of course). For the first time in my life, I really confronted my mom about her lack of communication and empathy and we had (again from my perspective) a truly bizarre encounter during which I honestly thought she was going insane. She's in her seventies, but she has always been very detached emotionally, unaffectionate, defensive, and incapable of discussing anything that happened in the past that had emotional repercussions. Ironically, she also seems to carry a grudge against me about odd things that happened when I was a little kid (a time when a friend and I hid from her and she felt shunned; the time she read my diary without my permission and objected to the way I recounted something that happened in it). She also doesn't seem to be able to converse in a linear way--her tangential comments are so maddening when there is something of importance that needs to be discussed. This year after my dad died (they were divorced), she behaved so inappropriately that I just finally snapped and couldn't take it anymore.

I really hesitate to call myself neurotypical, because I'm such an oddball in so many ways, but I wonder if there are others here who grew up as I did. Or people like my parents/brothers who are more self-aware and can give me some insight into what it's like to be a parent/sibling who has Asperger's.

A special Welkome to WrongPlanet, with a K.

Mick Avory

Welcome, mariposita, to the WP community.

Welcome!

Welcome.

Welcome. It runs in the family. . .

Not at all impossible.

Welcome to WrongPlanet

Thanks for the welcomes--I appreciate it. I'd love to read more about the genetic component of Asperger's. From my anecdotal experience, it must be strong, at least in my family. Apart from my parents and brothers, there are several other people on both sides of my family in different generations that probably fall into the Asperger's category. Any good articles (or threads here discussing articles)?

I also always thought it was sort of uncanny that two people like my parents could find each other and get married (and subsequently divorced...) but maybe that's not so uncommon, either.

I highly suspect my ex wife is somewhere along the spectrum as well as myself, and in my journey of discovering about me I have realised my son is also, though to a lesser degree than myself. It seems likely that my mother and an Aunt fit the bill as well. The genetic component is definitely interesting for sure. A statement I found particularly fascinating had to do with autistic trait survival through evolution. But I think I will spare everyone the thesis and just say welcome

OMG
I feel like I just read something I wrote myself. My dad had a heart attack this year and nearly died. My mum was laughing on the phone when I told her he dialled 999 instead of 000 for an ambulance. She said he must be watching to much tv again. Hello mum he was born in England. Mum he nearly died! And I just thought she's like that cause they are divorced. I thought she has no time or empathy for me because she doesn't like me!
Wow! I only looked at this so I could think of something to write to introduce myself as I'm new too!
Finally found the right planet!
gotta go wipe my tears away!

While my dad was in the hospital, I was trying to impress upon one of my brothers the gravity of the situation and he just chuckled nervously about it. I could tell he was upset on some level, but he had no appropriate way of expressing it (he's a big pothead, so that didn't help, either).

> I thought she has no time or empathy for me because she doesn't like me!

Oh, wow, I know that feeling so well. I have quite the overactive imagination and over the years have tried to come up with plausible explanations for the lack of closeness and affection with my family... When I was young, I really felt I must have done something terrible that I couldn't remember. I had no trouble getting close to other people, but my own family seemed completely indifferent to me and the things I cared about.

The older I got, the more I saw that my main problem with my family was that I was pretty much the only one who tried to get them to behave differently (they cut each other lots of slack and drove away others who would couldn't deal with them). It helps me to realize that their way of being is not something that they can change. It's not a mood, philosophy, or state. It's much more fundamental. I just wish I could communicate with them honestly about it and get some acknowledgement from them that our communication is odd and out of whack. I'm not big on the notion of "normal," but I don't think it's normal to go decades without saying "I love you" if you do in fact love someone. I have a really hard time pretending that everything is great, when, for me, it really isn't (and I recognize that this annoys them immensely). I can deal with dysfunction as long as we can all agree that that's what it is!

thealooficon--I hope your dad is doing better. (Poor guy, I live outside the US and in a dire emergency I'll bet I would be hard pressed to remember to dial the local 112 instead of 911.)

I identify completely with your upbringing. In my case, I am certain my dad and my sister have AS/HFA but my mom also exhibits very similar traits - I haven't been able to figure her out. But for the purposes of this point I may as well say she has it. Cold, unloving, empty. These are words I use to describe my growing up house. They don't know what they are supposed to do so they just don't do it. I, too, was accused to being too sensitive. If you want to see me blow my top, just call me sensitive. To me, being called 'sensitive' means that once again my feelings are going unvalidated. I also grew up without hugs and nurturing. To this day my phone NEVER rings - I have to initiate all the contact.

When I brought up the possibility of ASD last year they flew off the handle and wouldn't hear a word I said because I made the evil suggestion they were 'less than perfect'. Everything I suggested in the most direct but open way (and I pointed my finger at myself at least 50% of the time) was taken as a direct assault. I am nearly 40 and still trying to make sense of it all. I have a lot of holes from what I lacked while growing up and still lack today. I believe I am also on the spectrum and in fact my 8 year old son was recently diagnosed. Now that my son has been diagnosed I think my dad is quietly accepting that he also has it. But the subject is so taboo I fear bringing it up again.

My sister lives in a fantasy land of her creation where she is perfect and we are all evil. Therefore, she is mostly estranged from us. She talks to animals and they answer. She believes she is psychic. I am not sure what to do with that.

And, I am the 'normal' one. I most certainly put on the smile for the public and have figured out how I am supposed to act. I was very shy when I was little - people don't believe that when they meet me now. And, like you, I also spend great amount of time analyzing feelings and things from the past, trying to make sense of them. My son's diagnosis says as much about me as it does about him. So, even though I knew in my heart I have it, seeing it in black and white is much different. I had a week where all the events of my past when shuffling thru my head and suddenly it all falls into place. I now am starting to understand some of the mysteries of my life.

I spend a lot of time ignoring what is inside me and attempt to put on the mask so that I might fit in. But, ultimately, that makes me more anxious and gives me more stress. So I am at the point where I am ready to be more accepting of who I am. That said, I desperately wish I had my family in my corner. But how can the be there for me if they can't accept their own challenges and face them head on? In the end I am left without. Luckily, I have a very supportive husband. Unfortunately, he is in the Navy and is gone for very long periods of time.

Well, this is the first time I am posting - I just jump right in! But your post really compelled me to write because I have searched and searched for some support about growing up in an ASD house. However, most of what I found suggests a dad with ASD and a normal mom who could pick up the pieces. And, that is what I lack. I wish I'd had that mom!

Welcome to WP!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hello

hello, mariposita. I have high functioning autism and my father's side is full of slight autistic traits. Hermits, quirkiness, collecting, obsessions lol. I think my father and grandfather may have had mild Asperger's.