Cafeteria and recess stressful for my DS - Any ideas?

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My nine year old son, who was diagnosed on the spectrum this year, finds the crowded, noisy cafeteria at school a very stressful place. The playground at recess also seems to stress him out. He reacts by zoning out and withdrawing into himself. At lunch, he will try to find a spot to sit, but from what I hear, is not eating much at all, and is basically waiting until the bell rings so that he can leave the room.

On the playground, he will wander around the perimeter of the playground by himself, or will sit in a remote area and look at rocks or the grass for the entire recess.

This is a child who really needs to eat, or he will become more and more remote and hypersentivitive as the day goes on. And although I have no desire to "force" him to socialize on the playground, I do know that he would truly benefit from some physical input like swinging or running or jumping to help regulate his sensory needs.

We are trying to come up with a plan for his IEP to address these needs. Does anyone here have any workable solutions or ideas for the difficult lunch and recess hour? Have your schools been willing to come up with accomodations for these times? Who was involved in any alternative lunch or recess plans with your child?

Thanks so much in advance.

They would give my daughter "tasks" to do on the playground such as get 2 rocks, 3 leaves, etc.but she was much younger. If he is content during recess to be by himself (and perhaps he is decompressing during this time) I would allow him to stay on the periphery. As far as lunch, they should allow him to eat in a quiet place such as the library or office. I would start by bringing this up with his teacher and then go up the ladder of command within the school to get this accommodation for him. Log what he eats so that you have documentation of his eating problems in the cafeteria.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a parent. However, I am either on the spectrum or close, and your post struck a real chord in me.

In preschool, first grade, I remember many times wandering the playground in a daze (I really just needed to walk to integrate some ideas). I also remember many times having a swollen lip. Someone had pushed me to the ground or hit me. Somehow the nonparticipation of wandering by myself drove some of the other kids crazy.

Okay, now as an adult in my 40s, I take walks! And often after doing intellectual work, I feel a real need to take a walk. I've read that Stephen King takes a lot of walks. He will also read a paperbook as he walks. Now, I'm not saying Stephen is aspie. I'm saying he marches to his own drummer (and good for him!), and he's in a social environment where "normal" is not so tightly constrained.

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Some ideas:

Matter-of-factly encourage your son to be a leader in areas important to him. And help him wrap his mind around the idea that there's a great deal of luck involved in all this. You can ask someone in a friendly, easy manner if they're like to do something (a Saturday morning bike hike, work on models, whatever) and sometimes a person will respond in a positive manner, and sometimes they won't. People are just plain too complicated to be entirely predictable! It took me a long time to understand that. And also, kids are sometimes just stupid and mean, seemingly without anything a person has done, certainly not to warrant this. (What I'm trying to say is that it's easier to be a leader than someone who passively tries to fit it and probably does a poor job at it. You might as well go for the good stuff right away!)

Martial arts are often recommended for kids who dont' fit in. It's good for self-confidence. And any martial arts instructor worth his or her salt will emphasize, just for self-defense. But, but . . . there might be even a better way and that's "tight defensive boxing to a draw." See, martial arts is pretty serious stuff. It's like for when a stranger threatens you with a knife. And if you do it in the schoolyard, there's a good chance you'll be accused of fighting "unfairly" and the thing might escalate, or it might not (again, the unpredictability). In addition, there's kind of a martial arts myth in that you wait, wait, bide your time, wait some more, and then wipe them out. And that's wrong on a couple of levels. You don't wait and you don't wipe them out. "Tight defensive boxing to a draw," precisely because you are not trying to humiliate someone. And some kids in their mid-elementary years are very mature. Your son might be able to understand this. He might even be able to matter-of-factly stand up for someone else if it's right in front of him. And once again, be a leader in his own right, which would probably be very good for him, give him confidence to, sure, pursue his own interests, take the copious alone time he probably needs, but also with easy and matter-of-fact confidence invite other people to activities. Now, on the boxing, I'm 5'5" as an adult. I dont' want to oversell it. I could probably box another 5'5" adult to a draw, and that's all I'm trying to do. 'How tall are you?' 'And how tall do you think I am?' That's a way to where matter-of-factly point out that a fight would be unfair and thus talk your way out of it, but in a way less likely to be called a chicken (although still likely to be called that, just ignore it and it will fizzle out). THREE WEEKS. That's the beautiful thing, three weeks and you'll be good enough to box someone your own size to a draw. (And during classes and training, and I generally recommend a couple of one-on-one lessons with an instructor, don't take hardly any blows to the head, even if you have head protection. It doesn't help that much, just like a football helmet doesn't help that much. That post-concussion syndrome stuff is real. Just tell the instructor, 'I don't want my son to take hardly any blows to the head.')

Maybe if your son prestudies, he can view school as more social?

If he could with easy, casual confidence take a book to school or an object that interests him, might help him meet some like-minded students?

This sounds like my youngest who is now 13. She now takes books with her and reads when she is in the cafeteria and during down times.

When she rode the bus we had issues with her being over sensitive to the noise on it. We tried using a mp3 player and books, but neither helped much. Finally had to get the IEP changed to allow her to ride a van as she was being threatened.

My son who is aspie is 22, he reads too.

You could talk to school to allow him to draw or read during the recess. I would talk to them also about the lunch room. Suggesting that they allow him to either eat elsewhere or provide him lunch while others are out at recess.

Hope this helps.

Maybe they would allow him to eat in the teachers lounge. If the cafeteria is overwhelming for him, they would want him to be comfortable in school, right? As far as school, recess is his time to do what he wants to do, that is his downtime, to use as he sees fit. If he wants to walk around the playground, that shouldn't be a problem, at least he is still physically active and getting exercise.

Another option is the nurse's office; my son has eaten lunch there when he missed it for some reason or other. Your issue is not uncommon: the school may well have made an accommodation for another child and might have ideas, too: something to ask about at your IEP meeting.

We are having troubles with the cafeteria too. My son doesn't like to sit to eat and he doesn't like to watch other people eat what he regards as nonfoods.

My boy is a BIG kid (tall and stocky - not overweight). He has always had a hefty appetite, but I'm noticing his school lunch and snack comes home mostly uneaten. He eats breakfast at 8 am, gets home at 3:20 pm and during that time he eats 2/3s of a peanut butter sandwich, a few pretzels or a few slices of apple and that's it. Most of the time only a sip of water gone too. When he comes home, he snarfs the rest and eats and drinks more. That lack of eating and drinking for 6 hours cannot be good for his behavior.

I wish I had an answer for you, but your child is not alone.

Drawing seems like a potentially sociable activity, and thus very positive. Of course the young person would have to understand that there is private, personal drawing and social drawing. And that social drawing shows others in positive, straightforward ways.

DISCLAIMER: Not a parent, am a person with Asperger's.

I'm going to chime in on the reading thing too. That's all I ever did at recess and lunch times (which were basically indoors or outdoors - our choice, and for me always outdoors) was sit on a window ledge outside a teacher-occupied classroom and read. See if you can convince him to eat during recess breaks - he'll be eating, that way, even if it isn't when everyone else is eating. At least he's not picked on as he wanders. This is good news. I had major trouble with some of the other kids. Though it didn't get impossible to deal with until high school.

My daughter has this problem as well. What has worked well for her is having a "buddy" who will sit with her for awhile at lunch. After eating she goes to the library to read. If your child doesn't have a buddy to sit with, you can ask for this to be in his IEP. Usually school staff know of a kid who is kind and friendly who would be willing to be your son's buddy.

The buddy could sit with your son for a proscribed period of time- say for half the lunch break. After buddy time is over, your son could perhaps be permitted to spend the rest of the lunch period in the library either reading or drawing.

This might be more a stop gap thing.

Would he be tolerant of a nutritional drink (brand names include Boost or Ensure). These can be drank (like a glass of chocolate milk) and will provide some nutritional requirements. This way - he will at least be getting nutrition and caloric intake.

As for a plan on tolerating lunch time itself, I like the idea of allowing him to eat in the library. Also, maybe he can go for lunch a bit earlier (say 15 minutes earlier) so that he can eat in peace and quiet in the cafeteria/children's lunch area. This way - he is still being acclimatized to the cafeteria, but within his sensory limitations. He can spend the rest of his recess/lunch break walking or other gross motor activity and/or reading or whatever works for him. Engaging in social activity can also be done within his abilities (and added on as he progresses)

Just chiming in as another who experienced a similar thing at school.

At one school I was bullied badly, at all of them I had no friends or the "friends" I did have didn't include me often and/or were the kids noone else wanted to play with and often ended up bullying me. I'd either sit and draw, sit and watch the other kids from a distance (usually close to the classroom, I still enjoy people watching ) or if I could get a ball then I'd throw it at a wall somewhere or through a hoop, but generally on my own. I always sat alone in class as well. I'm 26 now, most of my memories of school are either miserable, or detached, kind of like I was an outsider looking in (which I was, really) and not actually visible to the other kids but just watching them without them seeing me, I guess that is a kind of metaphorical memory and not that inaccurate.

I have spent my entire adult life trying to figure out why, what exactly it was about me as a person that made me unfriendable, when I do/did meet people socially, they seem to really like me and find me very interesting and often think I'm very talented etc. (I enjoyed the company of adults more as a child, they seemed to enjoy my company too) I've learned as an adult (particularly since having kids and even moreso since having to see Dr's so much to have my daughter evaluated) to be more socially comfortable and confident but I still don't have any real friends, only acquaintances, I had some close friends in high school but I was still very socially anxious and awkward and seen as weird and different by the other kids that didn't know me as well.

It was only when I found out about Aspergers that everything clicked, it's only speculation based on what I know and my daughters diagnosis of AS, but it feels right to me so I've quietly embraced it and having that to identify with helps me with the questions, even if it's only speculation. I wish I'd known about Aspergers at a younger age, although I don't know how i'd've reacted to it back then either.

Advice, I think the best thing he can do is find something he enjoys doing that he can do alone like drawing, reading, playing with a ball, taking a walk, what about looking at the library, I know at high school a lot of the... hmm, nerdy kids hung out there and had D&D clubs and things like that, a music room perhaps might be available during breaks if he's interested in that.

Try noise blocking sound headphones for noise in the cafeteria. My son had to wear them even during school due to the bells,yelling etc. It cuts down some of the stress and I agree with having her go someplace quieter to eat if that's avail. Good luck here,been through this for yrs with public school.