In love with an Aspie man

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I am NT and dated for 3 months a friend of 3 years whom I suspect is an Aspie. It is more than suspecting, I am 99% sure. What I love about him is the nerdiness, his curiosity for things most people do not pay attention to, his knowing details about stuff most people know nothing about. He is also super smart. When we dated I did not know he is an Aspie. I always thought he was unique in his style but when we got together (I was the one that made the first move) I realized there was something more than that, but I could not put my fingers on it. When he was with me it was great, but then he would not call or make any attempt to see me. I had to call all the time. We were seeing each other only a couple of days a week max. I felt he let his guard down at the beginning but then I suspect he started to rationalize a bit too much our relationship. This combined with the fact that I am super affectionate with him (only in private), lead him to be afraid I would fall madly in love with him and he would not be able to reciprocate. He told me he thought he may never fall in love with me and that if it did not happen in the first 3 months it would never happen. Half of the time we were together I thought in reality he was in love with somebody else, or was playing me, or using me, or whatever, I was very confused by his behavior. So I broke up with him. I was hurt and upset. I thought all this time he played me. But, things did not make complete sense either. So I started to research some of his behaviors and traits, and stumbled onto Asperger. It fits him to a T. If I loved this man before, I love him even more because now I know that certain things that we NT take for granted are hard for him. I saw him a few days ago after over two months we have not seen each other and the attraction I always felt for him is still there. He could not stop smiling at me either. I would like to have a second chance with him, but I don't know what to say or do. Any Aspie man out there that can give me some suggestion? I forgot to mention, we are in our early forties.

I am an Aspie, and while not in a relationship, I have a neurotypical friend who is married to an Aspie. As you figured by now, Aspies are not like other men, and are a little quirky. They are also prone to misinterpretatiion, and I am willing to bet there have been communication difficulties that don't exist elsewhere. However, if he's like other Aspies, he'll be very, very loyal.

My advice is to just stick with him, and be patient. It requires patience, but it's extremely rewarding.

Thank you lotuspuppy,
yes now I understand a lot of things but before I did not. Asperger is not very common and he is the first man that I meet that is an Aspie. There have been communication issues, yes. The problem is: how do I re-approach him? Should I tell him I am still attracted to him and that I made a mistake? Should I go with the friendship for now? I know now that I need to be direct cause he is not likely to see my clues. I was attracted to him for quite a while but he never got it, he did not read my body language. I know that I need to be direct but I also know that I don't want him to freak out and go back to the issue "what if I can never love her back?". He is very precious to me and do not want to hurt him in any way. We are going for dinner next week with a couple of other friends, not as a couple but as two people that both know this couple from out of town.

My advice, and I am an Aspie guy in my 40s, is to keep it straightforward and relatively brief:

'I'm very, very sorry I didn't give you enough of a chance. I realize that I probably hurt you, and that's the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I would like to give it another chance if you'd like to.'

And I'd think about it and maybe call him Monday morning, or a time you suspect he's going to be centered and not making a decision out of loneliness or desperation or something like that. Give him an opportunity to make a good decision and also a decision that is authentically his.

And here's a curveball he might throw at you: He might not agree with your diagnosis of Aspergers! Even though you think it's spot on, and even though it helps you understand and forgive him more, still . . . And even if you're right, and it sounds like you are, you have got to let him be mistaken this regard. You have got to let him self-identify in his own way.

I maybe first heard of Asperger's in 2003 and thought it was kind of neat. I first self-identified on the Internet in 2006. Yeah, it kind of took that long. My parents (who I started living with in 2008, after 20+ years on my own, yeah, the economy's tough on a lot of people) have not been supportive. And when I self-identified to people in a humanist group, different people tend to either be standoffish or say I'm not really on the autism spectrum. Surprising, but that's kind of what happens.

If you're still interested, by all means try again if he's game for it. Just be careful not to see the world through aspie-tinted glasses (like rose-tinted ones, but they allow all your partner's faults to be explained away by his diagnosis...); he's still the same person, and there is a chance that you will end up feeling exactly the same way. But good luck; it may work out .

Thanx so much guys!
I really do not want to tell him "hey I think you are an Aspie". I read quite a bit about it and I think he is but I do not want to come out and say it. He may not know or he may be in denial. Though I think he tried to tell me a couple of times. I just did not get it at the time. So if he starts the conversation I won't pretend I did not realize it. My knowing he is very likely to be an Aspie makes me understand everything much better and I think it puts me in a position to communicate with him better. I don't need to tell him I know. He is busy, not saving the world as far as I know, but he has a demanding job, the same that I have actually so I know. But while I would totally do the things that you say like go over for a hug or a quick chat, he has to organize the entire evening for us which sometimes is not doable. But for me a 15 mins meeting or even a hug would make me feel connected with him. So when he did nothing to see me I felt used and rejected. That's how you would feel with a NT guy because that's what those behaviors would mean.
I also agree that he may have a 'different" idea of what is it to explore a relationship with somebody and see where it takes you. We both feel strong physical and mental attraction to each other and of that I am sure. As a NT that is enough for me to let my guard down. Anyway, I am a risk taker and I believe that we have only one life so I won't be able to live with myself if I did not try to explain to him that I realize now I did not give us enough of a chance. I will talk to him one of these days and then I can let you know. I did not tell him but I think I am in love with him and I know for sure he cares about me.

Yeah, find a way to be honest with him in private. This will be a true test toward a better future or a time to move on. Even though he may need patience, you run your own life too. Think about others too, but also yourself.

If he mentioned that he's an aspie then he wanted you to know.

Personally, i'd say the best way would be to invite him round for dinner or whatever and leave some of the books out. He'll notice. If you tell him your trying to understand him then he'd near certainly take that as you showing that you care and are interested in him. At least, that's how I'd take it.

If you ask him if he identifies with points in the book it'd be an good starting point and you could probably ask questions from there in a non threatening manner.

If he's still talking to you then he does care about you, and discussing this is likely to be quite scary for him since he'll be scared about losing you. If he wants to change the subject, i'd let him.

Hi Peter,
he called himself a "High Functioning Idiot" a couple weeks back. Then it came on the tv about aspies when we were together. I took the opportunity to ask him why he'd called himself a High Functioning Idiot, and he said that the diagnosis fit and rapidly changed the subject. i didnt see him for a week and it was really on my mind, he fits the profile extremely well (i wont go into detail), and for me its become the elephant in the room. I got into an accident recently and he was not there for me emotionally and i kinda flipped out on email, asking him what was going on and could he be square with me so we could move forward together, and then followed up with an email saying what ive been missing (emotional connection, touch etc) again with a plea to discuss it.

After i wrote those messages yesterday we got together. The whole thing backfired and he is in denial or does not want to talk about it. He basically told me if i'm not getting what i need then we should break up, as in the long run it makes no difference as to why. I disagreed and said that if i'd known he was (for example) color blind from the beginning, then i wouldnt be always asking him if he liked colors. We managed to hang out and have a good time, but i'm not sure where to go from here. If he won't talk about it then i never get to know what works for him and what doesn't. How much of it is his A.S versus him being selfish used to getting his own way.

I felt, and hoped, that if he could share what things were difficult for him it would help us. In my opinion he is stubborn, set in his ways, and would sooner not go there than make the effort. I know he has had long relationships, so has made it work, but refuses to discuss his past with me, and acknowledges that he is "difficult".

I now feel at a loss as to what to do.

I really like him a lot, otherwise i would totally give up. He is the most interesting man i have met in many years and like spending time with him. We see the world in similar ways, which is important to me, as i don't see the world like most people. In some ways i identify with A.S, but am pretty sure I am N.T. I am very emotional, and pass the Eye Test (Don't know what its called) but in many other aspects identify with A.S. I have recently realized that one of parents is likely undiagnosed/unaware A.S., so that made me take a bunch of tests on myself. Maybe i just picked up some traits habitually from them versus genetically.

I take your point about the books, but am fearful it will just push him further away. I like psychology in general, but he doesn't, and he already feels "analyzed" i think.

one more thing...

I was able to talk him into (maybe) giving us another chance, but his overall feeling is that he can't make me happy. Aside of the emotional aspect, which hadnt been voiced by myself until recently) i am at a loss as to what to do about this: I tell him that i enjoy his company, and always express gratitude (which, of course, he never does). I bring him small gifts. I have told him that i think its in his head. I do what i can for him within his strict-ish rules and boundaries. Could he be projecting his fears?

I don't know whether this is an Aspie thing, or because he knows deep down that he can't fulfill certain needs, or because of other reasons. Or whether its genuinely something i am/am not doing.

I really don't want this to end. He is such an amazing guy and i know he cares for me deeply too.