Cheated by Asperger's -- Not worth living with!

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I'm a 25 year old man and Asperger's Syndrome is destroying my life and my mind, not to mention my self-esteem.
Every situation involving other people immediately disintegrates into a blank slate of bewilderment at how to act, react, or respond to anything at all, and the repercussions evident in the response of everyone else witnessing it. As I grow older I discover that I can't relate at all to anyone older than 10. I go through social situations like a wrecking ball through a brick wall, and usually come out the other side in much the same state as the wall.
I can't make friends, I don't hold jobs well, I can't effectively communicate with anyone without seeming very obviously strange. I've never been in a romantic relationship, and have long since given up on trying. I at one point had dreams of a wife and kids and career, but at this point, with the disappointments I constantly accumulate regarding relating to other people -- I've completely given up on any future other than isolated unemployment.
This is ruining my life, one situation at a time. It doesn't help that I'm completely aware of it as it's happening, can vicariously see exactly how it's all 'supposed to work' yet not form those connections in my own situations. It's turned my life into a bitter mockery. A social quadriplegic, so to speak, watching people walk by and not being able to participate in something everyone else seems to take for granted, so subtle and simple.

It's destroying my life and my dreams and any possibility of relationships, and apparently there's no cure. I have to live with this confusion and separation my whole life, and watch from the sidelines as it corrodes every aspect of my existence like cancer.
I'm so goddamned depressed and disillusioned that I'd rather just pack it all in and put a permanent end to myself.
The non-existent rewards aren't worth the misery of enduring the struggle!!
My only hope was that it's 'curable', but apparently I can't even overcome it! I'm a freak with a malwired brain, and apparently I get to apply the term "that's life" to myself (which is always something we apply to other people in bad situations). I get to watch as my dreams wither and die and my hopes for a socially affluent life (within which I can simply interact fluidly with other humans and not feel constant bewilderment and awkwardness) grow cold and rigid. I'm of the lucky 3/1000 people who are plagued with this, and it's turned my life into a pathetic joke. It's a malignant cloak I can't shed, and if I can't fix it, I'd rather not watch it destroy my life. I'm done with it.

There doesn't appear to be any real point to this posting -- I'm just ranting.

I think there is a point to most things and you make some good ones. I can identify and empathise because at 25 myself I went through those self-same situations, feeling awkward and inept, not being understand seemingly by anyone else, "not being able to relate to anyone over ten" - this was an interesting remark - it demonstrated my own immaturity at that time where I had much younger peers and felt unable to form relationships and friendships in the normal [whatever that is] ways that people do.

Only through counselling did I get any professional help and eventually the AS was detected and confirmed but, while you are aware of this, you are saying that the AS elements are something you dislike intensely. My only advice would be [and please forgive me if it sounds at all patronising] is not to focus so much on "bang and blame" but maybe to self-explore and learn about yourself through others. This is what I did. Through reading a lot of different articles on the very science of autism, I was able to learn and make improvements in my own behaviours.

I would like to read what others feel about your post and I wish you well in future happiness, of course.

You can't change the fact that you have Asperger's; you can only change the way you cope with it.

Clearly you can express yourself. That is as vivid a description as I have seen. I go through much of the same difficulties and I am older than you. Things get easier in short doses, but you will still have your aspergers. You can let it own you and can use it as an excuse, or you can work to make it less important part in what people see in you.

I'm 31 and only discovered this year I probably have aspergers. Sometimes I feel bad and a bit cheated for all I've been through and suffered because of not knowing. Sometimes I feel like someone should of noticed and helped me but of course they just didn't know to. I have found there have been are good things about aspergers though and I wouldn't change me

Have you ever had the time to read some of the many motivational ideas of W. Clement Stone - ideas which can sometimes change a little the camera angle on life?

I am not going to deny that your problems are real and difficult to deal with, but I refuse to believe they cannot be solved. There are plenty of people with AS who have solved these problems and I think it's getting easier and easier, as time goes on and we learn how to do it, to find solutions.

The rhetoric you are using is a little worrying to me--you say "not worth living with" and you are using a lot of language that implies you are feeling as though there is no way "out" and no possibility to do anything about your problems. And you're talking about suicide. That is even more worrying.

I've had this experience. About five years ago I was depressed and had to be hospitalized twice. Depression will edit your thoughts so that even if there is a solution, you can't see it; and when things really are beyond your control (for example, other peoples' actions), you can't see any way to cope. People often believe that you have to be psychotic for a mental illness to stop you from thinking realistically, but that's not true--depression can literally force you to be blind to all the possibilities, all the useful things in life. It even made me unable to engage in special interests, and that's one of the worst things that can happen to an autistic person because it removes what's probably the greatest sources of pleasure and, dare I say, sanity.

I don't know if your experience is anything like mine. We're two different people with two different brains. However: It's a fact that people with autism get depressed at a rate that's somewhat higher than the general population, just like any minority group does (gay/lesbian teens, for example)...

I don't recommend going to the hospital if you can help it, because autistic types generally recover best in a private, quiet environment. But treatment can shorten the duration of a depressive episode, and help you learn how to prevent another. I've had three episodes and those have all been the absolute worst times in my life. What you should do is find yourself a shrink you can respect, and who will listen to you. If you try medication (and it's not a bad idea, so long as you always start at the lowest possible dose and the least possible number of prescriptions--ideally only one), then make sure you get a shrink who's willing to listen to you about how you respond to the stuff and whether it's damping down any of your symptoms. (Meds aren't a silver bullet; it's more like it just gives you somewhat of an edge.)

Seriously, though, this sounds more like depression than AS to me. I think this happens a lot because when you have a life-long condition like autism, and you happen to get depressed, you're automatically going to blame it on the autism because your depression is giving you the "everything is unsolvable" routine and what's more "unsolvable" than a life-long neurological condition? But there are plenty of happy autistics, plenty of people who are making their own way in the world, autistic or not. There are ways to ease social isolation and ways to find useful ways to occupy your time.

AS is not curable. However, unhappiness is curable. These problems do have solutions; it's just a matter of figuring them out.

Asperger's Syndrome is not a disease. It is a gift. Learn how to put it to good use (good for you).

ruveyn

It does feel like a shock and is very upsetting when we find out but some things in life can be adjusted to manageable levels, like how much we mix with certain kinds of people, learning how to relax, some people find CBT helpful. MoodGYM is a good online help for some.

I always advocate a a few weeks writing a gratitude diary, just pick between five and ten tiny little things that were good in your day and watch the pages fill with good things, I found that very helpful the first time I ever actually tried it, amazing really because I thought it was a stupid idea and scoffed at it. but it works for a lot of people.

You've got to soldier on, young one. That's how I cope, and I'm happy for it.

Yep... bummer, huh? Join the club.

I'm not trivializing your pain. That's not my intent. Just saying you're not alone in your plight. I truly know your pain as my own. And I've been dealing with it for quite a bit longer than you have. You say your life is being ruined - mine already has been.

My point? Not really sure I have one. See, I know complete social isolation. Sounds like you do too, or, at least, you're getting to know it. And yet, we share something that's very profound. In a small way that makes us not quite so alone. When the stars are out look up. Under that same night sky, somewhere out in the world, is someone who truly understands, even if you find you can't explain it properly. There's probably a lot of us. As hard as it is, we are trying to find our way, just like you. Maybe we all won't make it - life's a b***h that way. Some of us don't have any more fight left in us. I know I frequently feel like that. But some of us will make it, we'll find a contentment if not happiness. And that's a promising thought.

Take that as you will, but in my mind, it's at least something.

One last thing... I've recently discovered something very simple, but hugely momentous that's helping me cope. Finding myself doesn't mean trying over and over again without success to fit into a world I don't understand and am ill equipped to deal with simply because that's what society expects of me. F@#k that! We are different. And in some ways we are better. Accept who you are. Embrace it. Make yourself a blank slate. Yes, we won't enjoy many of the things normal people do, but in turn, we can enjoy many things they can't. I suggest focusing your energy in finding the things that actually work for you instead of the things that don't and use that as a guide to reinvent yourself. That's what I'm trying to do.

You can water the seeds of anger and pain. Or you can water the seeds of hope and acceptance.

Which seeds will you water?

You can really write, pistolslap.

May you find your reasons to continue.

Please begin by by reading http://www.ei-resource.org/articles/aut ... protocol-/


Then please watch the following youtube videos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IVCXdjm7gU
http://www.youtube.com/user/BumsenDK#p/u


but most of all, please read A User Guide to the GF/CF Diet for Autism, Asperger Syndrome and AD/HD by Luke Jackson


It may save your life.

For a person of your intelligence ruevyn.... you sure make alot subjective statements and don't seem to realize they don't qualify as absolute truth.

You might consider AS a gift....but others consider it a curse.

Who is to say your perception of AS is right while that of those who view it as a curse is wrong?

Good! Nice rant. Anger isn't always a bad thing. Now use it.

"but apparently I can't even overcome it!"

Not so. Yes you can.

Now that you know what you are angry about, take that energy and DO something with it. Learn how it works within you. Learn how it limits you, but more importantly learn what ADVANTAGES it gives you.

Then...

Get to work.

I've spent my entire life living under the curse of Asperger's and all I have to show for it is broken dreams and emotional devastation. That is where my depression wants to keep me. But I am struggling very hard to change my perception and my life so that I can live happily with what life has giving me. That absolutely demands a change in perception. If I don't change my perception nothing will change and I'll disappear in a black pit of despair. I might as well be dead and given the choice I'd rather not be. I think ruveyn is just assuming pistolslap would rather not be as well.