Can anyone help?

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I hope that I am not breaking any rules by re-posting this. I am new here as of today and wasn't sure where to put this topic so I put it under General Discussion but I think it belongs here. Oops.

Hello. I'm not sure where I am supposed to post this but I think General Discussion covers it. I hope I'm right!

I have so many questions and this could be the longest post of the year, but I'll do my best not to make it that way. I will tell you my situation as "to the point" as possible.

I met a man who I believe is undiagnosed Asperger's and I strongly believe that he has another condition along with this. I also believe that his past and this other disorder, whatever it is, is causing all the majority of problems in his life. I think it complicates everything. Anyway, when we first met he was so funny, cute, attentive, loving and all of that good stuff. The first couple of months of meeting he told me that I was beautiful and he would flirt once in a while but very very rarely. I also noticed that he had a hard time and almost had to force himself to say loving types of things. He said they were "deep" and acted nervous expressing things. So we talked every day on the phone for hours and this went on for a long time and has since on and off. I say on and off because he goes through these episodes where he disappears, shuts down, stops talking to me. Then comes back and it's the strangest thing, it's as if he picks up with me right where he left off. Like he never left! He just had one of these episodes and it lasted one full month. We haven't talked on the phone in almost two months which is very rare for us. He wants to text now. When I ask him to call he says he is sick. He texts me all the time, hours a day for instance, he will text me in the morning and often the texts will last throughout the entire day until bedtime. I ask him why we aren't talking and he just repeats the same thing, "im sick". Now I know something is wrong and I've noticed that he seems to make himself sick. What I just described happens each and every time he goes through a stressful period with a close family member of his, actually, his only family member. Their relationship is very rocky and it upsets him to his core- more than he will admit. He is single, 38 years old (but seems so immature ways) and he lives alone.

He never flirts anymore, never compliments me and when I ask him why he won't compliment me he says I don't need him to make me feel good (I've never heard a person say this before). I give him compliments, but he doesn't know how to take them. I have to tell him to just say thank you. I've found that I have to tell him lots of things to say. He doesn't understand the meaning of very basic words- for example, vague or compromise, and he doesnt understand metaphors, I have to explain them to him all the time. He also takes things literally and this causes so many problems for himself and others, and us, but not as much as it used to because I've researched so much trying to understand him that I am finally learning and understanding some of this. He seems to monopolize every conversation too. He used to ask things about me before this stressful period of his life but for the past five months or so it's always about him and his ideas, thoughts, hobbies. He lectures it seems instead of talks! So, ok I'll put up with that. I care about this guy a great deal. I am willing to make changes to make him comfortable............

but...... why is it that in the beginning of relationships I read that an Aspie gives compliments but then later they stop? Why are they capable of it at the start of a friendship (he won't use any other term but "friends" when it comes to a woman, he says start out as friends and then get married, no in between and I've never heard anyone say that before either!) I guess I just want some sweet talk lol, some man/woman attention. It seems so formal all the time or just buddies. It's like he doesn't know how to act or something, but I know he does because he did when we first started being friends but again, he didnt act that way often, but he atleast did a little. He always brings up the times he has been hurt in friendships and with his remaining family member. It's like he is afraid to trust me enough to share anymore. People have made fun of him, disrespected him, left him and fought with him, but I never have and I told him I never will.

I know I promised to make this short, forgive me, but I think my question is, how do I keep this friend? How do I get him to open up? Is this typical for Aspies to behave this way in "friendships" ? Is shutting me out periodically an Aspie thing or is that a mental illness thing? As an "NT" how do I make him feel comfortable and safe and how do I make him want to be more serious again? We used to talk about marriage. Something spooked him. He is in such denial about his pain but anyone and I mean anyone and everyone can see it. I want to help I want to have a chance to show him what a loving and kind, trusting relationship can be like. I want him to be happy and to let go atleast alittle. He was there, with me, but not since the stress.

I hope I didnt put anyone to sleep with this post and I do hope to hear back

Thanks everyone!

Sounds familiar, very familiar. I'll intermingle a bunch of the "I" and "He" portions as I need to dissect some of your story to hopefully help...

I need to ignore this and you probably should too. It may or may not be relevant, so why beat yourself up over the "what ifs" of this guy. Work with what you have.



Expression my/our inner most feelings doesn't come easy. It's very rare to be able to *honestly* say what I feel and instead I find it easier to say what may make *you* feel better. You may not see this, but his flirtation could be a) total and complete honesty or b) he doesn't have he proper skill sets and comfort to express what he is feeling. However, in both cases know that he is simply being honest - it's just that expression and wording isn't easy. Some sort of positive reinforcement has helped in the past show that I am doing/saying the right thing and to stop my default defensive behavior of "clamming up" from kicking in.



Motivation comes in spurts. I get extremely interested in the person and then, like a big meal, it takes a while to digest. I do not mean to disrespect the person, but when the attention and focus is on someone - I disregard everyone and everthing else. Unfortunately, the world intrudes (e.g. I have to go back to work and focus on an assignment or two) and my attention is drawn elsewhere - TEMPORARILY. I have no problem compartmentalizing the conversation or where we left off - so it's extremely easy to restart from the exact same spot.

It is NOT about you, I generally would rather talk about you and learn more - just takes a bit to digest and I do have other responsibilities.



This can be done out of embarassment. I so desperately want to talk to you, but know that my past behavior (because of responsibilities) prevented me from focusing on you, plus I may not be able to focus right now because of those current responsibilities... So texting or email or something which I can "context switch" comes into play. I may honestly feel sick, or just not capable of understanding how/why you want to talk on the phone - its just easier for me at the current time to communicate w/o the danger of inflection and half-thought-out-words.



The mind can drive the body. Stress, relationships, etc. can cause a person physical symptons, anxiety, mood swings, eating disorders, etc. It may be true. If you see it, it probably is true and may be an additional stressor and point of embarassment.



Lol, great age



Self-deprecating language. He may feel his compliments (based upon his value of what he believes you are) do little. Positive reinforcement of "I actually DO need you to say nice things to make me feel better" can help.



He may not know how to accept a compliment. First the compliment will feel (to him) contrived, like you're saying it to only be nice, and then they'll be accepted but he won't know how to respond. Finally, he may acknowledge them and realize you actually mean it. In this case, it's not you, it's him.



Language and semantics are difficult. It takes time. A lot of what helps understand the meaning of the word is actually using the word in context.



I did this. The world is black and white, so you believe and trust everything everyone says. It takes time to get through this but the belief of what people say versus mean takes time. Sometimes it's just lost. Period.



The lecture portion is his attempt to communicate that he has something to help with and feels comfortable enough stating what he believes. It's also a mechanism to avoid talking about things he may not have total control over. For example, he knows he is being bothered by a family issue - but he knows a lot about computers. You can get him to open up and blah-blah-blah all day about computers because of the feeling of a lack of control with the family issue. Use the lectures and his willingness to talk to transition the conversation to topics which you feel may be affecting his mood/behavior/mentality. Slowly.



Not just aspies, it's a guy thing. Guys are designed to be hunters: Seek and stalk their prey and chase. Once the chase is over, the predominate design fades to black.



Because of the lack of experience. Starting a relationship is difficult as is working to make a relationship work. A working relationship takes a lot of give-and-take, working on the emotions, and being able to empathize with the other person - stubborn guy aspies don't have the traits to make it an easy task



Easy to keep him - you don't discard him. He will come back and back and back as long as he doesn't feel too embarassed. A little text or email of "Still thinking about you. Coffee?" would help assuage any feelings and help him get over anxiety of him doing "the wrong thing" by blowing you off for XXX time. Let him talk to open him up, he'll get comfortable with the conversation and if you tactfully move the subject around, you'll get him to open up. Oh, and sex works for me. As to make him feel "safe" again, it's probably just an issue of discomfort.

"Hey, I know you've been busy, but interested in catching up?" "Hey, been thinking of you, want to meet for lunch/dinner?" "Got 5 minutes to say hi over the phone? Just wanted to know how you're doing." "Making dinner tonight, interested in just you and me?"



It could be he is not interested in marriage because a) he thinks he can find someone bettter or b) because he thinks you need to find someone better.



Good luck. It's not an easy row to hoe, and you may be his sole salvation to actually surviving and being happy in this world. Hell, you could always point him to WP and he could see all the lonely folks here.



Good. It's much easier for throw up ones hands and walk away than to try and stick it out and make things work. The words and feelings of others matter little when our own feelings and words scar us even worse.



I don't know, don't have many Aspie friends However, it can be typical (okay, mostly typical) for me.



The best stories never are!

Honestly, you did good. You gave a lot of pertinent information and asked some good questions. Thank you for trying and seeing if there are other additional points-of-view out there to help you and him get through this. Ultimately, the above is just one guys point-of-view and if a bit of it helps, great. If not... Well, there are a lot of good people who travel through WP and who may be able to shed some light based on the information you gave.

HeEeeEeyYy! Good Evening, Kids, and welcome to another installment of BLAME THE AUTISM! - the hip new game, in which a frustrated female wriggles out from under personal responsibility for a failing relationship by applying an amateur diagnosis of neurological dysfunction to a Spouse or Significant Other - or, as some like to call it: "I'm Okay, You're Mentally Ill" - Here's tonight's first contestant, ironically called 'LuvsAS' - hey, great tongue-in-cheek sarcasm with that nick - let's get right to the game, shall we? LuvsAS, how did you come to - BLAME THE AUTISM?

Wow, that's a sure sign of something - like...maybe... your insecurity. Have you always had this need for incessant attention and flattery? Perhaps he feels that if you look or smell nice, or are good at something, you probably already know it and don't need to be fawned over with empty rhetoric. In fact, he might feel that all that 'deep' stuff is mushy and silly and makes him seem dependent and vulnerable if he spouts it all the time - and that even meaningful compliments lose their value if you overuse them, and eventually become insincere and hypocritical.

Of course, one might also consider that making your own self image dependent on the verbal fluffing of others is not psychologically healthy on your part and that it really isn't fair to put another person in the position of being responsible for your psychological and emotional well being. If you can't be stable and happy on your own, you're never going to be happy in a relationship with someone else, acting as an emotional parasite and expecting them to keep your self image inflated for you.




Ahem - HE had an episode? He went about his life, in what way is that an EPISODE? Sounds to me like you're the one having an EPISODE getting all bent out of shape that someone didn't call you every day. Phones work both ways, you know. Even if you're correct in your armchair DX, he didn't slight you. One needs a break from time to time from the people who lean on one to prop them up. Its very psychologically tiring to maintain that social connection with someone who is emotionally dependent on it. Its a heavy responsibility and makes an Autistic, to whom that interaction does not come naturally, tired and irritable. Social gadflying requires periods of solitude afterwards for decompressing.



Again, social interaction of any kind is extremely stressful for Autistics, more so when it is confrontational and unpleasant. The kind of thing that might be quite likely to cause an Autistic gastrointestinal stress and headaches, just for starters. As far as I'm concerned an all-day anxiety attack is every bit as incapacitating as the flu.

Also, as others have noted, because Autism involves delays in cognitive processing, face-to-face interaction can often be overwhelming, the more so if it involves dealing with situations or feelings that are already difficult and uncomfortable to express. Phone conversation is just one step away from face-to-face. The one advantage it offers is that nobody is reading or depending on noverbal signals to communicate. Having a moment to compose one's thoughts and even edit before committing to them makes communicating much easier. Probably why Wrong Planet is so comfortable and addictive to many of us.

But hyperanxiety is a daily fact of life for most Autistics. Our handicaps in social functioning force us to be constantly on guard lest we trip up and miss something important or do something stupid and humiliating. It creates a pretty much constant level of low-grade tension that can spike off the scale at the first sign of trouble. Just this past week I received a couple of emails from people who cause me such anxiety that I couldn't bring myself to open and read them because the very thought of what might be said in them made me sick and dizzy. I finally had to forward them to a friend who read them and then told me whether they were bad news and what they said. If he's having family conflicts that are upsetting him, be glad that he's texting you - even that much interaction may be highly stressful for him right now. Be a friend and accept what you have instead of pining for more.



Well, now you've heard (at least) two people say it.




Thank you for what? Making him feel self-conscious and embarrassed by singling him out? (for Autistics, being singled out usually is a prelude to being bullied) In my experience, compliments are almost invariably followed by requests for personal favors. I never really believe they're sincere anyway. I know what I'm good at and don't need flattery from others to tell me so. I also know when something I've done doesn't measure up to my own standards and expectations and if I feel I haven't met that goal and someone compliments me, it makes me feel as though they think that's the best I'm capable of. Which makes the compliment feel more like a sarcastic insult.




"Say what you mean and mean what you say" Words to live by from The Bodhisattva Cheshire Cat.



Hey - I know! If you actually had an interest in the things he's interested in and could interject with comments germane to those subjects, perhaps the conversation wouldn't be so one-sided. This is relationship advice: I become very bored and disappointed with a relationship when I realize that the other person does not actually care about any of the things that I care about, they were just pretending at first to be nice. It makes that person seem very shallow and less than honest. And it makes them extremely boring, because the things that interest me are not just interests, they are passions. If you don't share those feelings, well, nice meeting you...gotta go...



GrRrrRrRrr...Here we go again...first, let me guess - you read something written by a woman who claims to have dated a million Aspergian guys and now can codify and catalogue every behavior they display, all of them negative... Geez, we haven't seen that thread since earlier this week...

As if that hasn't already been answered several times over, that whole 'flirty', 'compliment-bomb' social dance is not natural to Aspergians. We don't do it, we don't see the purpose in it, its stupid, its superficial, and it feels essentially dishonest. We tend to be by nature very straightforward and generally brutally honest. For those of us who CAN do the social dance to some extent, it is a LEARNED behavior - we can do it only for short periods of time in order to make needy neurotypical types feel comfortable. Once we feel we've done what had to be done to forge some connection, the mask comes off and goes back on the shelf, because it is very stressful for us to keep up that dance. It makes our brains hurt.




See above...and above...and above...



AhHaHaAHAhAAaHahaAhaHa!! ! Yeah, the last person who made me that promise later pointed a loaded gun at me and threatened to kill me.

"I don't care what other people have done to you, I WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THAT NO MATTER WHAT." Bullsh*t.

As you've noted with the 'taking things literally' remarks, Aspergians have a natural tendency to naivete, since we suck at reading nonverbal signals like body language - as a result we are easy prey for bullies and con artists and get taken and used and treated like dogsh*t on people's shoes all our lives. At some point faith becomes just another ruse and that X-Files catchphrase TRUST NO ONE is tattooed forever on our hearts. Even if you earn it, it will take years, and will always be exceedingly fragile. Oh, I can believe you think you mean what you say...


Hope you found the prize you were looking for somewhere in all that...

The last poster seriously has a chip on his shoulder so please do not let him deter you. I think what your doing is great and shows how much your willing to make the relationship works; Merle give some good advice and I think if you continue reading about aspergers and keep trying to talk to him things will work. Part of the reason he may be acting that way is because he has been bullied and disrespected his entire life and now that he has finally met you he is probably afraid the same pattern will occur or that he will mess things up and you'll leave.

[quote="Willard"]:D HeEeeEeyYy! Good Evening, Kids, and welcome to another installment of BLAME THE AUTISM! - the hip new game, in which a frustrated female wriggles out from under personal responsibility for a failing relationship by applying an amateur diagnosis of neurological dysfunction to a Spouse or Significant Other - or, as some like to call it: "I'm Okay, You're Mentally Ill" - Here's tonight's first contestant, ironically called 'LuvsAS' - hey, great tongue-in-cheek sarcasm with that nick - let's get right to the game, shall we? LuvsAS, how did you come to - BLAME THE AUTISM?

Hi Willard, thank you for sharing your anger and frustration with me. If you knew me, you wouldn't have said all that you did. Sometimes we need to think before we lash out, but that is only my friendly suggestion to you. I wish you the best, and that is sincerity talking.

Thank you Lennon87. Its ok about Willard. I didn't read his entire post because I know he was only trying to upset me because he is upset. And thank you for your encouragement. Tonight I started to think that maybe I should throw in the towel. He is contacting me alot yesterday and today, which is nice, but something's different so I'm not sure what to do next. I think I will just continue reading WrongPlanet and trying to learn and pray about things and eventually I will figure out what to do.

Thank you Merle for taking the time to respond the way that you did. It was very kind and helpful!

Well, Smugness, if you'd read the entire post you'd have known that I was not lashing out, I am giving you the straightest, most honest answers you're likely to get. Feel free to print it out so you can refer to it as these issues continue to come up over and over as long as you know this guy. And if you were really sincere, you'd have actually paid attention to what I told you instead of condescendingly writing it off as bilious invective. I've got 50 years of experience living with this set of handicaps every day and I've encountered so many Non-Autistics struggling with the same questions you're having, I can't count them all.

If you'll look at the number of posts under my avatar, you'll see that I've been here discussing the problems of living with Autism for a while now and hearing other diagnosed Aspergians repeat over and over exactly the same things I just told you. Anyone who's been here for long can tell you I don't go out of my way to beat anybody up, but I don't sugarcoat the truth.

I can also assure you that the issues you're dealing with are never going to change. Stop bugging this guy about complimenting you - he behaves the way he does because THAT'S HOW HIS BRAIN IS WIRED and nagging him to be something other than what he is is only going to drive a wedge between you. Non-Autistics never seem to be able to get this through their skulls - we cannot be like you, ever. We can learn to fake it for very short periods, but it would be cruel to expect someone to spend their entire life pretending to be something they aren't just to be accepted. Know how I know? Because I never heard of AS until I was 45 and wasn't diagnosed until 49 and spent all the years before that being bullied, berated and browbeaten by Parents, Teachers, Employers and 'friends' who insisted that anyone who said "I can't do that" was just a useless whiner. So you learn to pretend - but you never get very good at it.

Wrong Planet has at least one woman a week log on here for the first time, convinced that everything about her SO that frustrates her is due to this mental illness she's just discovered called Asperger Syndrome. You can't imagine how insulting it is to have people who have no clue what its like to live with Autism rant on and on, complaining about how maddening their SO's behavior is and how unhappy its making them and they're convinced its all because of AS and if he loved her he'd change, when the obvious truth is - their problem is that they can't accept someone who thinks and behaves differently than what they think is 'normal'.

If you genuinely cared for this man, you'd accept him as he is, unconditionally. The fact that you're analyzing his every behavior in minute detail only demonstrates that you're not seeking ways to understand - you don't need to understand to accept - you're seeking ways to change him into what you think he should be. You think if you can 'understand' why he does things the way he does them, you can figure out ways to 'fix' him.



You won't get much out of reading Wrong Planet if you only read the remarks of Non-Autistics that reinforce your existing point of view, or the remarks of people who are afraid of telling you a truth that you might not like.



Hey, live with an invisible handicap for half a century, all the while being verbally and physically abused by peers and authority figures who think you're just being obstinate and stubborn when you can't comply with their every whim, then talk to me about attitude. Until you've done that, remarks like yours are just judgmental arrogance.

Last edited by Willard on 03 Oct 2010, 9:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Obviously Willard has an attitude and attempts to convey his message without regard to the impact of his words. The message comes over as condescending and without an initial attempt to communicate.

For many people, this is an person with mental disorder classifiable under the DSM. Welcome to WP.

[quote="Willard"}Well, Smugness[/quote]

Immature. Doesn't befit your age. But you don't seem to care.

Underlined portion makes you want to believe that your honesty is something unique and that most people here do not give honest/straightforward answers. When someone is seeking help, adults do try to give honest answers, even ones which say "I do not know".



This is not a wiki. If your answers were so straightforward and absolute, they would be documented and a link would suffice. Link please.



Your tone turns off the reader making your message ineffectual. Change the tone and your message will be heard. Stay with the attitude and people will read the first paragraph ignoring the rest. That may be your choice, but it may something you do not see because...



You are handicapped or treat what you have as a handicap (which is worse). Is it truly a crutch or a limit you place upon yourself, other readers can decide.



Post count does not denote wisdom nor experience. Any more than simply surviving nearly 50 years.



Have you learned about how the means a message is being conveyed can help/hinder the understanding of the message itself? Or is a post count all you are after?



Shrug. Your choice. If you choose to try and help, you can help in the best possible way or you can go out of your way to be rude and condescending. Not that you're personally rude or condescending (I don't know you), but it's just an observation as to how your message may be interpreted.



Read more, post less. Basically listen.

People are posting here looking for ways to change and adapt. A person may be hard wired any which way, but it doesn't mean that their external behavior cannot be altered. WP is not simply for outsiders to come in and try to understand people w/ Autism & Aspergers, but is also a way for people who have AS to understand and adapt their behavior toi better fit into the world.



We are more alike than we are dissimiliar. Focusing on your differences weakens you.



Get over it. The world is hard and you had a hard time. Guess what, you didn't grow up in a war zone, get to see your parents butchered, starved, scrounged in a trash pile, etc. that people throughout the wolrd do to basically survive.

You're nearly 50 years old and have nearly 3.5k posts on this board, and have been a member for a shorter period than I. If you would spend more time learning and growing versus trying to deal with the imagined harmed done to you, you would be a better person.



You're not the only one who has suffered, but your betters make something of themselves without using that as an excuse.

You seem lonely and appear to have an issue with people not listening to you even though you may have valid points. If you were an employee of mine, I'd sit down and we'd work out how to better communicate so that you get the respect you need. But you may not care. And if you don't, then why bother posting? As you can obviously see, the core of your message is being lost in light of your perceived rant.

Actually Willard's attitude is very instructive for those who think it is so easy to be normal. He is being very honest about living with AS. I prefer not to think that I am faking it but it is tiring constantly trying to please everyone. And no matter what we do, it will never be enough.

I am fortunate not to have problems with anxiety but I am always anticipating criticism around every corner. Non-aspies would do well not to try to find fault with the aspies every action - although I think the OP was being very fair in her post. Some things we cannot change. Those of us who have obvious problems - such as clumsiness, pedantic speech, monotone voice, lack of facial expression, etc. know that we cannot improve these deficiencies. It does not help to be reminded of them and told that we need to be like everyone else.

We can accomodate our partners within reason if our partners are willing to communicate their needs in a way that doesn't make us feel that we have failed them again. We do have feelings even if it is not obvious. Those who feel that they are being emotionally abused by aspies don't realize that we feel emotionally abused (or verbally abused) by constant nagging and complaints about our behavior. Acceptance for the ways we show affection encourages us to find new ways to show affection for those we care about. I find I am more likely to show affection for my partner because he knows that I am different and that I am deliberate in my caring for him. Will it be enough for him in the long term? Who knows? But I accept my partner's differences and know that he is not likely to change. And I don't want to control his behavior.

I won't disagree with that, and if this is the same Willard (rat avatar) then I do remember many of his earlier postings. It is tiring (hence, I take necessary breaks from even WP) from the constant barage of "crap" which is omni-present.

It's difficult to wall off and deal with society, but it's even worse when you think you have an outlet or a place (e.g. WP) and see the same pressure and issues here.

We all just need to recognize that we have different breaking points and triggering mechanisms. Sometimes a question is just an honest question looking for help. I (on my best behavior) perceive this as such.

I'd prefer that the OP remains at WP to learn constructive ways of dealing with aspies and others who are different and hope that she is not scared off. I have noticed a few recent new posters who migrated over to that other site (ok - I won't mention the name of the forum - but read it from time to time when I want to lower my self esteem - lol) and quickly joined the "bash the aspies" gang. That is not really helpful to them or their partners.

Oh wise mentor, I bow to your superior intellect and wisdom. Surely you must have walked in the shoes of every man to have become so discerning and all-knowing. To be able to look into the hearts and minds of others and know their souls must be a great power. I can only hope your employees show you the proper adoration for your ability to peer into their heads and give them perfect advice on how to properly 'communicate' and obtain your imminent respect. Surely one day they will 'communicate' to you the respect you so richly deserve.





Who said that?

Seriously, if you're just going to make discriminatory remarks about people with Autism, you really should find another hobby. Most of us come here to get away from people who beat us up with their attitudes every day of our lives. My Autism is not a 'crutch' or a limit I put upon myself, and if you had any real understanding of the disorder, you would never say something so cruel. Your remarks are truly heartless. Do you ridicule paraplegics for not standing and walking, too? Why should they be allowed to use that as an excuse for anything? Why should they be allowed to LIMIT THEMSELVES with that whiny 'I can't walk' crap? Who cares? Surely they can crawl or flop along the ground or something. They're just using it as an EXCUSE, right? C'mon, wimps, things could be worse, just suck it up and succeed like Merle you useless Wusses...Hell, that Ass Burger stuff probably isn't even real...only ret*ds have Autism, isn't that right, Merle?

NAs...they ask for help, then they become abusive and snooty when you give it to them. Everybody in this thread has the perfect answers, except the people who actually have Autism.

I'm the @ssh*le. Okay, fine. LuvsAS: Bottom line: just do this guy a favor and cut him loose. You're never going to 'get' him, and you're never going to be happy trying. If you think I'm a jerk, you and he are going to hate each other in no time at all. Guaranteed.

But of course, I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about, so knock yourself out.

Maybe one day, /salute, but today is not that day.

OP, Aspie men often "pour on the charm" during the "pursuit" phase of the relationship. I've heard it described as making a woman feel as though she's the center of their universe. (I read somewhere that a lot of women who fall in love with Aspie men are really falling in love with the attention they receive from their Aspie man.) But when the "pursuit" phase is over - when they've won you - the charm comes to an abrupt stop: logically, since they've won you, they no longer need to "charm" you. NT men seem to understand that giving that level of attention to a woman will set an expectation that the attention will continue over the course of the relationship. It would be great if Aspie men understood this, so that they could avoid setting an expectation that may be impossible for them to meet over the course of the relationship.

So the level of attention, the difficulty with words, the lecturing/monopolizing conversations, the literal thinking....are all pretty much textbook Aspie symptoms. The disappearing from the relationship, the refusal to communicate other than via text, the (apparent) expectation that you'll adapt to meet his needs are signs of immaturity about the effort required to keep a relationship going. (@Merle has provided some very interesting insight about your guy's potential thought processes, btw....but these are behaviors that can be modified.) He needs to understand that he will have to grow, change, adapt, etc., if he wants to keep your relationship viable. You have needs that are just as important as his needs. I hope you wouldn't expect any partner to meet all your needs (cause you're gonna be disappointed), but it's okay to expect your partner to meet some of your needs - like not disappearing without an explanation for months at a time.

I guess what worries me is that all of these difficult issues have presented themselves within this relationship, and you're worried about how you can better accommodate his needs. You're promising to never fight with him, and never leave him? Honestly - how can you make those kinds of promises? You've asked for advice on how to make him want to be serious again - but you should know that there is no answer to that question - he's the only one who decides how seriously he wants to take your relationship. So I'm concerned that you see your role as something more parental than partner, and that you're not really prepared to accept that this man has issues he needs to work out. It doesn't matter how much everyone else recognizes his pain - until he does, nothing's going to change. Whether he's Aspie or not, or mentally ill or not, he needs to take responsibility for holding up his end of the relationship; he needs to deal with his emotional issues; he needs to recognize that his disabilities and/or illnesses have an impact on the relationship - and he's got to be willing to work with you to mitigate those impacts.

You need to decide if you can tolerate his behavior as it is right now. If you can't, you need to figure out what you're willing to do, whether that's talk to him about your Aspie suspicions, or address specific behaviors, or become willing to accept the behaviors that can't change because of his disabilities/illnesses, etc. And you need to keep in mind that if he's not on-board with the idea of dealing with these issues, you cannot make this relationship a success on your own. Good luck.

Hi HopeGrows, well, the reason I promised not to leave him is because he asked me to. He had said three times that he didn't want me to ever leave him. I never promised to not argue with him, sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. Trust me, I'd never make that promise lol. I truly just wanted to help and to make things good for him. It's very hard watching him suffer the way that he is. I don't think his AS causes all of this suffering at all, it's just his attitude or like you said, lack of maturity. He has pent up anger like you wouldn't believe. I can't figure out if he is Bipolar or ADHD sometimes. I guess all I was trying to do is look for some insight on how to get him help, but I think I've come to the conclusion that I can't force him to get help. I never wanted to change him, I wanted to accept him. I don't believe in changing a person and for Willard to suggest that I wanted to do that is simply nonsense. Willard doesn't know me. He is only going by his personal experiences and that is ok, he's upset.

My friend has been messenging all weekend, but he got so mean and was so hyper and just not acting himself at all. I think I have decided to throw in the towel.