Advice for AS people with NT partners?

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Does anyone know of any organisations, forums, web sites, indeed any resource for those with AS and that have an NT partner? I ask because there are several forums and mailing lists for the long suffering NT partners and families of AS people. (and a grim read they make too, but that's a different story. Do AS people really attract particularly needy, narcisistic partners, or what???).

But I can't find anything (other than here) specifically about the equally difficult issues that AS partners have to face up to when living with an NT partner.

This is a great book. I return to it all the time. It explains so much from both sides.

Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships

do we?... thats not good... where did you read that? because if its true I'd be very curious as to why...

I wasn't being *entirely* serious. However, after a few hours reading some of the NT comments on (mainly male) AS partners, I was shocked at how the AS partners just don't seem to be fulfilling anything that the NT partner wanted. I felt like subscribing just to ask "so whats up with you that you have to be with someone you hold in such contempt".

To somebody on the autistic spectrum, I think that most people can appear 'narcissistic' - it's all spectrum and it's all relative.

I don't know of there's any studies backing this up, but it's a interesting question about what type of person forms a long-term relationship with an aspie.

Sundy, I'm going to get the book you suggested, looks like it could be helpful.

There's anohter book out there called "The other half" or something like that. I bought that one and read it last night and was really disappointed. It should have been called "get over your passive-aggressive behavior and stop blaming your AS partners".

I'm NT (in fact not really, I have maniaco-depressive disorder). I have a relation with an As young man since 5 years (extraconjugal). It's a long time, yes it's also a short time....

At the beginning it was sometimes surprising..! I asked myself a lot of questions HE DIDN'T ANSWER ! It's a long and curious story ! Sometimes I had to laugh a lot, sometimes I was ennoyed..I just didn't understand.
And then, a year ago, I was in Paris for a meeting and waiting for him. HE never came. (without any excuse)....then I knew sometimes was wrong.

Now time has passed and I am in love like the first day.

There is nothing else to say.


I know life is uncertain, I am realistic : I am sure I could'nt live with him ... I am also sure that I love him very very much.




(It's also the reason I am on this forum, that I read for hours, that I try to understand you all, that I write in bad English hoping I couldd just express my true feelings, turning the pages of my dictionnary - what is WEIRD ? TO HUG ? PROCASTINATION......and so on...)

Why don't you start your own forum? I'm NT with an AS partner, and when I first realised he had AS I went to the partner's groups. You're right, they make depressing reading! While I could totally relate to what they were going through, I found it very noticable that none of the NTs in there seemed to have tried to see life from the AS point of view. I didn't find listening to people moaning about their Aspie partner's shortcomings helpful at all.

For 5 years I couldn't understand why my partner couldn't relate to my needs. Now I've been hanging around in here for a while it's OBVIOUS why. NT partners need to reverse things in our heads, and realise that our behaviour is every bit as strange to Aspies as their behavour is to us. WP is a good mix of both, and I've learned a lot more by listening to how Aspies feel about things than I ever did talking to other NTs.

However, I think a group for Aspies with NT partners is a brilliant idea. As Aspies seem less emotional and more analytical, the discussions are likely to be a lot more practical.

From an NT point of view, I'd love to see more of those kinds of discussion. The way I behave in a relationship seems 'normal' to me, so until it's explained to me why my Aspie partner thinks I'm weird I won't be able to do anything about it!

ManErg, There's a book that might be just what you're looking for. Our autism specialist told us this is a really good book. I haven't read it yet but according to the specialist it is wonderful. It's for AS people in relationships whether they be with AS partners or NT. I looked at the book though and it seems to have alot of info about AS and NT relationships.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/184310 ... e&n=283155

I've felt this too on an NT support group I once read... pretty shocking stuff. You have to wonder why they stay with men they clearly have such contempt for . My impression (from the goup I read) was that e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g was being blamed on the husband's AS. For instance one lady told a story of her husband getting upset because she bought a new piece of furniture without telling him. Well this could happen in any marriage, AS or not. People have arguments about stuff like furniture all the time.

AmeliaJane and en_una_isla, I'm reassured by your comments. One problem I have since suspecting that I have AS is that I don't trust my judgement so much. I worry that the AS is distorting my world view in some way. The fact that you've seen the NT forums in a similar light gives me confirmation that I'm not so crazy! In the NT's defence, it's easy for the aspies to blame everything on the AS, too. However the fact is that most NT-NT relationships struggle and even fail, too.

I don't think it's just Aspies who have a rigid' view of the world, I belive that NT's have an equally rigid world view - just that they *know* theirs is the one true correct view! And some of the NT partners seemed very fixed. AmeliaJane, it's good to hear how tolerant you are.

Anandamide, I have just received the book you suggested I've only read a few excerpts so far, it does look very good. My first impression is that it's still very much from an NT viewpoint, advising how to get along with your AS partner. I haven't found an equivalent from the other side of the fence. I am currently reading the book "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships" by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. I've found this really useful - I'm learning a lot from it. It's close to being a guide to 'getting along', but doesn't really get into close relationships.

This is the proper site for AS/NT relationships
http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start

The other one you seem to be familiar with is called AS Partners and it is a gripe about their AS partners (mostly men). It's poisonous.

I stopped in at AS Partners just based on the term "poisonous". Wow. With that description, I ran, not walked to the registration page.

What gets me about AS Partners is that there seems to be no effort to learn or exchange knowledge, no coming to a greater understanding of the differences between humans. Its just a bunch of (understandably) bitter women griping about their misfortunes, drinking coffee and eating cake.

That cake needs some icing.

Yep, that about sums it up. I didn't get it at all. I've been where those women have been, and I know exactly how they feel. BUT-I don't see how they can hang onto the negative attitude once they realise they have an Aspie on their hands. Once I'd figured it out it was time to move forward, not give up!

Some of my partner's behaviour towards me over the years was pretty outrageous. I thought about running a few times, I have to admit. I stuck with it because I know him, and he's a sweet & loving person. There had to be SOMETHING causing all the problems.

In an NT his behaviour would have been totally inexcusable. But looking at it with the knowledge that he has AS changed everything. It's ME that's had to adapt, and to be honest it really hasn't been difficult.

Our biggest breakthrough was the day I realised that he had NEVER intended to be nasty, rude, insulting or hurtful. When I told him I understood that it was a huge relief for him. We haven't had ANY problems at all since. So I'm really confused by all those partners, knowing what they know, still saying they've given up. It makes me mad!

I really doubt there are many men with AS who marry.

That's quite moving, I can only assume that it would take quite a big mind-shift for yourself.

There are times when, in the midst of an argument and when I'm angry, I *am* deliberately trying to insult my partner. However these are very much in the minority. Normally, I really haven't a clue why what I've said has caused upset. This is true for both of us, though. I get upset by things she says and she can't understand why. So both partners have to work and change their mind-set to make a relationship work.


I've seen varying statistics on this. Obviously the figure is lower than for NT men, maybe around 35 - 50% of all AS men are married at some point. And many of these are marrying much later in life than NT men and also (according to the relationships book mentioned above) divorcing at a higher rate. Not good, but as awareness of AS grows, there's hope that this can improve.

As AmeliaJane says, *knowing* about AS can change everything.

Not a really big mind shift actually... just that everything fell into place as soon as I knew about AS. It had been hard to match up the way he was acting with the person I thought I knew. As soon as I had a reason for the problems we had they all disappeared. It's very easy now.

As an NT I assumed, as we all do, that people basically think the same and know all the 'rules'. Les knew that he was different and not 'getting' it, but not why. Now we understand that we think completely differently we know that we can never assume anything. Always best to check, because whatever we think the other person is thinking, we're probably wrong!