Suspended

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I have been suspended from college for a year. My grades were deemed too low for me to continue studying physics (a 2.05 GPA overall, and a 1.72 GPA in my major).

I would appreciate advice.

The cause of this problem:
My obsession with computer games, psychology, and feral cat rescue took up most of my time; I made the bad decision of pursuing my special interests rather than going to class or studying.
My depression compounded the problem in that depression causes a lack of motivation, a reluctance to leave the safe environment of your room, and an even lower tolerance for disappointment and frustration than the usual Aspie low tolerance.
My college Academic Assistance department is used to dealing with only common problems like AD/HD or dyslexia. They have had only one other AS student, and he left under circumstances similar to mine. Consequently, they are generalists and have no AS specialists; while they are sincere and attempt to be helpful, the college is private and cannot pay for referrals to specialists.
I have been diagnosed with AS for only two months; consequently, I spent a lot of time without access to helpful resources which might have allowed me to compensate for my major problem--the special interests which take up all my time.

Financial problems:
I have approximately $100,000 in college loan debt. Without a degree, I will be unable to obtain a job which will allow me to pay off this debt.
I need to provide for myself somehow; but multiple attempts to hold various summer jobs resulted in failure by the end of the summer, when I became very uninterested and stressed by a repetitive, monotonous, sometimes physically exhausting job. Sensory problems--touch, smell, and sound--have played a part as well; but these are minor compared to the problems I hear about from most Aspies. Once the job became stressful enough, I would often become distressed at the thought that I would have to go to work that day; and absenteeism and tardiness increased to the point that my employers discussed the possibility of termination. I have actually never been fired.
I am attending group and individual counseling, each once a week. These are partially paid for by the government--I pay 5% of the list price for them--but are still a drain on my finances.
My orphan's pension (paid by the government after the death of my father), which has until now paid for some of my living expenses, will be discontinued at the end of this month, as I will no longer be a student.

Emotional problems:
I am afraid to tell my mother what has happened. She has never been supportive of my seeking psychiatric help, or believed that I have AS; but she does, in her odd way, love me.
I have been somewhat suicidal lately. My intelligence is my main asset; and if I am unable to even graduate from college, do I really have any assets at all?
Disappointment, frustration, anger: The usual negative emotions. I have been dealing with them by attempting not to think about them, usually by involving myself in a computer game, reading, or posting on online forums. I am hoping that I will avoid using maladaptive coping mechanisms (self-injury, overeating, etc.); but this is not certain yet.
I cannot live at home, for reasons I do not have the time to explain.

My Advantages & Strategies Already Pursued

I have three adult (over 30) friends who are willing to provide help. One works at a nearby restaurant, another at the college cashier's office, and another at a local dollar store.
The woman who works at the restaurant (I have forgotten her name) has given me the number of a place that seems to provide help for people with Asperger's. Have any of you heard of this, and what do you think about it? TEACCH
My roommate, who has sensory integration problems and PTSD (but not an ASD), is rather sympathetic to me. When I returned from getting the news that I had been suspended, she sat through a 2-hour meltdown in which I cried uncontrollably. I am going to give her a thank-you card and a refrigerator magnet with a golden retriever on it.
I have access to government counseling. While they are not experts at Asperger Syndrome or autism (my counselor has met and assessed, though never counseled, Aspies before me), they are better than nothing.
I am capable of living on my own, though not of holding an uninteresting job. I can also communicate well, including metaphors, figures of speech, polite expressions, and imitation of small talk (which bores me nevertheless).
I have above average intelligence and a very logical mind.
I am used to dealing with depression (rather than being blindsided by it).
I have no need for social relationships; I am content with aloneness. Being asexual, I do not need romantic relationships. Still, friendships are beneficial; and I appreciate the ones I have.

Can you give me advice?

Financial problems:
I have approximately $100,000 in college loan debt. Without a degree, I will be unable to obtain a job which will allow me to pay off this debt.
I need to provide for myself somehow; but multiple attempts to hold various summer jobs resulted in failure by the end of the summer, when I became very uninterested and stressed by a repetitive, monotonous, sometimes physically exhausting job. Sensory problems--touch, smell, and sound--have played a part as well; but these are minor compared to the problems I hear about from most Aspies. Once the job became stressful enough, I would often become distressed at the thought that I would have to go to work that day; and absenteeism and tardiness increased to the point that my employers discussed the possibility of termination. I have actually never been fired.
I am attending group and individual counseling, each once a week. These are partially paid for by the government--I pay 5% of the list price for them--but are still a drain on my finances.
My orphan's pension (paid by the government after the death of my father), which has until now paid for some of my living expenses, will be discontinued at the end of this month, as I will no longer be a student.


Callista - I don't know which country you live in.

IF you are the USA, there may be options. If you have government student loans, consolidate them through the feds. You will then only have one loan. Options for replayment would be based on your ability to pay. There is the full payment, partial payment, graduated payment, or income contingent payment options. They are also relatively good about working with you as long as you are willing to make some kind of payment. I have been making much smaller payments than I would normally have to make on my loans based on the fact that they are extensive and that I can't (and haven't for over 10 years) find work in the field in which I studied and have not made much more each month than was necessary to pay the basic bills (housing, food, gasoline, insurance, etc.). granted, I'll be making them until I retire but at least it's working.

You cannot discharge federal student loans through bankruptcy. You may be able to discharge private ones - I'm not sure. When it comes to creditors, just remember, they can't get blood out of a rock. If you have no money, you can't pay them. They can threaten (and probably will) all sorts of mayhem, but they can't take what isn't there. If you have filed for bankruptcy, they cannot contact you about the loans, period. If they do, you can then sue them. You might want to see what you can find out about filing for protection from your creditors that way. There are several different types of bankruptcy in the USA, and some require minimal repayments to creditors. It depends on your circumstances. It would be good if you could get some legal advice. Does your school have a legal referral service?

Depression is an unpleasant condition. I had several periods of depression similar to yours, and they did cost me several jobs. I don't like using medication, but that may be necessary. You have to be able to take care of yourself, and being able to hold a job to bring in income is essential to do that. If medications help you keep going to work, it may be what you have to do. I've also never found any sort of psychological support related to AS. Now that it's more widely understood, there are programs for kids and very young people, but nothing in my area for adults. Unfortunately, you may have to rely on your friends and other non-medical people for your support system. It can work.

It doesn't sound like your heart was really in your studies. Perhaps you should reconsider what you want to do. If you are into feral cat rescue, perhaps working with an animal shelter or formal rescue group (or even in a vets' office) might be something you would enjoy. Remember, not everyone needs to go to college. The only real reason to be there is because it's useful to you in some way. If it's not, it's a waste of time and money.

My suggestions:

1) Don't worry about what your mother thinks. She doesn't have to live your life. You do.

2) Try to jettison as much stress as you can. Get out from under the financial clouds, perhaps do a bankruptcy. At least make a list of things to do and try to get at least one thing done per day, so you can mark it off the list. Not doing anything is deadly.

3) Try to have a place to live that isn't tremendously chaotic. Even if you end up renting a room in someone else's house just to have a place where you can be alone, make sure you have somewhere you can go "home" to. Some communities have programs where you can trade your housekeeping services for a room in an elderly person's home. That might be something to look into.

4) Keep in touch with those friends.

5) Find some medical help for the depression, if you can.

6) Take any job that you think you can handle, for a while, just to pay the bills. Think of it only as a way to pay the bills, not as any sort of reflection on you. You may have to sit there and tell yourself every hour that you've made X amount of money and that will pay for, say, supper. Whatever you have to do. (I remember sitting on assembly lines daydreaming about being on another planet for hours and hours - I loathed that job. But I had to have it, as there were no other options unless I wanted to sleep on a parkbench and panhandle for food money.) If you can find a job doing something you enjoy anyhow (say, with the cats), it will be easier. If it doesn't work, there will be other jobs. Aspie or not, we still have to make it in the workforce, unless you win the lottery. Just keep trying.

7) Check around to see if there is a social welfare agency in town that can help you. Depending on the state in the USA in which you live (if you are here), social services vary wildly. You may or may not be eligible for food stamps and some sort of general public assistance (usually a very small amount of money, but it helps). IF so, those agencies may also have some sort of referral path into which they can get you to get you some emotional/psychological/employment support. They may also be able to get you housing.

Live one day at a time. You can't go back and undo the past. You can only sort of prepare for the future. Worrying about it excessively won't help you.

Best of luck, wish I could help you out.

I'm wondering if "Middle-Earth" isn't a reference to New Zealand?

$100,000??? how the hecky did you get that much into debt??

im £300 in debt ($500) and ive been to college

Can you not talk to your teachers about it all?
I'm sure they are not allowed to suspened a person for mental reasons-this must be some kind of discrimination? either way i think it's wrong they have done this.
plus, why don't you talk to your doctor about it? it may help and then you could get a doctors note to the teacher.But before you even think about going back or trying to get back into college or even START to think about paying off your debts, remember that nothing is more important than your health and happiness.
you gonna have to get yourself better with the depression- i know it is difficult , i have had odd spells of depression before and i sympathesise with you, but try and think positive , think about the hard work you've had to put in to get into college and think about all the amazing things you are capable of - that anybody can do if you put your mind to it - i think you should try and get a goal - a challenging one- that you have to try and achieve and GO FOR IT! anything , even if it sounds impossible, even something that people might laugh at you for , do something you've always wanted to do.
I also think that going on those computer games will only turn you into a zombie , i think you should cut down , whenever i am depressed ( which is quite often , believe me)i go for a walk , maybe quite early in the morning, when no one is around, i might go to the woods or countryside and just relax , see all the beautiful things that begin to make me happy to be alive.
this is my coping mechanism for when i go through bad times.
If you find all your past jobs are really boring , i think you should get a job in somewhere of your interest- like you seem to love computer games - so why not try and get a job in a game shop? think about all the good things you have- all those friends that are willing to help!30!
A lot of people are in a similar position as you , and they may not have so many great friends to help you out - you're really lucky in a sense .An d when you get through this, which you WILL , think about how proud you could be about yourself? i know i haven't given you advise on your debts- but you should concentrate on getting your mind better and set for the brilliant future your gonna have while at the same time getting a job - if you can't get a job of your interest , you're gonna have to get a boring one then- hardly anybody likes there jobs- especially students but while you are working , just think about the fact you have money .if you get a job, save as much as you can up, then when you feel your in the right mind to go to college and you have discovered your own coping mechanisms try and get back into college.

i hope this has been some help to you , i don't mean to patronise you , sorry if i have and i may sound naive , but i'm not , remember you only live once and you've gotta get as much out of life as possible.
i wish you all the luck in the world
hollie
x x

Callista, how many years have you been in school at this point?

Calista:
Let's deal with some of the basic problems first. Depression. You can't work when you're depressed. There are some very good meds these days. If you're poor enough to be on aid, you can see a psychiatrist. Get that fixed, if possible first.

Second, it sounds to me like you're missing something about the suspension. What did they say you had to do to get back in? Same thing happened to me many years ago, but they said "you have to go to our extension school and get good grades to get back in." Turns out it was the best thing that every happened to me. The teachers were better, the classes were smaller, and when I finished I had a 4.0 average over two years, and I was begging them to let me stay there for the remaining two years....but they said, the law says you have to go back to the main campus. So that worked out really well, because when I got back to the main campus, I was way ahead of all the other students.But you have to make sure that you know what the requirements are to get back in!

Next Physics is a tough subject. You have to study. You can't play video games, and the cats can wait (sounds cruel, but that's the bottom line). You have to study. You have to have some good study habits, and those can be learned. You have to pursue some way of learning them.

Next $100,000 seems like a lot of money, but you borrowed it, so you have to figure out a way to pay it off. Best way is not to look at it all at once. If you get back in school, study, and get out and get a job, you can begin to pay it off. Even if you can get some sort of a job now, and live like a church mouse, you can put money away to start paying it off.

Finally, live one day at a time. Remember, "sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you."

Keep your chin up. It'll work out, and there is no debtor's prison anymore.

Good Luck
BTDT

My sympathies, Callista. Your story is almost an exact duplicate of my own first year at university. I studied physics and computer science, and I couldn't put aside my obsessions to attend class and study. It's all good and well for people to just say "learn good study techniques", but it's not something you can just do. It's like telling an OCD person to just stop being obsessive compulsive. That is just an analogy, though, for these sorts of obsessions are more due to executive dysfunction than true OCD. So, my own advice would be to get someone to help direct you, even to watch over your shoulder, so to speak, and make sure you do it. Because when your executive functioning is shot, when you hit an obstacle you naturally stop and move onto other things. It's hard to see what needs doing, and it's just as hard to do it even after you know it needs doing, when what needs doing itself requires executive functioning.
For example, I am currently in need of a job. My family sends me jobs, and I need only apply and forward my resume, but it's bloody hard to even do that, and the instinct is to go right back to my obsessions. But when placed in a situation where the demand is external and constant, it's far easier. Hence the best solution is to create a situation where the demand to get something done, and the discernment of what needs doing, is external. Practice does help it get better, but it takes ages to get better at and to integrate techniques to compensate.

Hollietheflower, the cause for suspension is the lack of grades, not mental reasons. It is only a year-long forced break from study. The break is intended to help the person resolve the problems causing them to fail. Let's assume they didn't suspend her, and she spent another year at university and failed again, for the same reasons that she hasn't had time to fix. She would be worse off, and with another year's expenses to pay.

No idea whether this is appropriate for you, but generally speaking:

In some fields, it is quite possible to get a job that normally requires a university degree without having the degree. I know because I did it. You need to target small businesses and be able to demonstrate that you have the necessary skills (self-taught), and be willing to accept being paid less in the beginning, and be well motivated to achieve success in your chosen field. You can work your way up from there. If your job is the same field as one of your obsessions, that certainly helps (it was in my case).

However, having the piece of paper from university does certainly make it easier to get a good job. And there are some fields where the degree is mandatory, such as being a doctor or nurse. This is for understandable safety and legal reasons (the risk of causing bodily injury to someone).

Maybe your major is one of the biggest problems. If you spend so much time on the computer, why not major in Computer Science or something in the related field? My University just added a BA in Gaming Graphics. One can also get jobs in game testing. I had a lot of friends who worked for Nintendo and Microsoft doing game testing.

After attending a year of law school and a year in a MA/PhD program in PoliSci, and realizing I wasn't interested in either, I had to let go of what I thought I wanted and go for something where my talents lie. I am now earning a Post BA in Spanish, because learning languages is one of my gifts. I am now working on becoming a translator. Hopefully, because languages are something I am interested in, I will stay at the job a long time....

Even though I was smart enough for the other degrees, didn't mean they would hold my Aspie interest enough to make me get out of bed in the morning.

Tallgirl.

First of all, I'm sorry I wasn't able to reply over the last few days. We had a long weekend; and the libraries weren't open.

I am in the USA.

I have completed 5 years of college but am only at the junior (3rd year) level in terms of the classes I have actually passed.

Regarding depression:
I am on Lexapro for depression; it doesn't seem to be helping very much but I've tried a lot of different medications, and this one seems to be helping the most. I am also going to see a psychiatric nurse-practitioner and a personal counselor as well as going to group counseling every week. My depression is probably complicated by a history of child abuse--I was the usual Aspie bully target, only with stepfathers.

Regarding finances:
I am going to call a "consumer credit counseling" agency recommended by a friend. Presumably they are a charity and work for free. I have some federal student loans and some private loans, but I want to avoid bankruptcy if at all possible.

drummer_girl

My school does not have a legal referral service.

Regarding my interest in my studies:
Part of why I am in college is because I want to have a job that is not like the ones I have failed at--boring, frustrating, noisy, smelly, exhausting work. I want to have a job where I can learn new things and not be forced to be with people more than about half the time. The only jobs I can think of that fit these qualifications require two years of school (most require four, many six or more). I have always loved to learn; I liked school and made straight A's my first year and a half in college... but then I got depressed.

The other part of why I am in college is that I simply like to learn. Whether I am interested in learning the things I am supposed to be studying for my classes (rather than random books from the library) is another issue altogether.

Regarding obsessions:
My obsessions are often short-lived. Most do not last more than three years; some last five, others only two. The problem here is that I could study a subject I had an obsession in... but if I did so, I would be relatively uninterested in it by the time I became a senior, and probably even less interested by the time I were working in that field. The solutions I can see are:
--Find a way to extend the length of time I'm interested in something indefinitely
--Find a field that is broad enough to encompass multiple obsessions, however much they skip
--Find a way to do something I am only mildly interested in for eight hours per day--for the rest of my life, and not just a summer.

I have a roommate at the moment... the lack of privacy is distressing, but I find a lot of time alone at the library. It isn't nearly as good as living alone, though.

I checked about welfare two years ago, after I was discharged from the hospital (I did ten days time for depression). They told me I was not eligible. Frankly, I have no wish to take what I did not earn; temporarily it wouldn't matter so much, but spending my life on welfare is a disgusting prospect to me.

Hollietheflower:

what-ever is right: They are, indeed, allowed to suspend me for mental-health reasons. They have done so once already. This time it is because of academic performance; they do not want me to keep going to college and keep failing, apparently.

Computer games do not turn me into a zombie; they do calm me, and I enjoy figuring out the systems behind them. I do not play modern computer games; I prefer games like Rogue and its offshoots. Most of the games I play have low-tech graphics and very little dependence on hand-eye coordination. They are a coping mechanism for me just like your walks are for you.

beentheredonethat:
They did not give me any terms; they are simply suspending me for a year. My financial aid has, however, been cut off permanently; and were I to return, it would have to be on my own expense. For all practical purposes, this is a permanent expulsion.

Yes, physics is tough; and yes, I thought I was going to study. I used to be obsessed with physics. At this point I'm not worried so much about getting a PHYSICS degree as I am about getting any degree at all. I'm willing enough to switch majors, just so long as the new major is interesting to me.

emp:
How does one go about getting a job without a degree--especially one in science? Is it a matter of knowing the right people, or social skills... because I don't have either.

tallgirl
Computer science is an option, yes. I can't do game testing or programming because the games I am interested in are nothing like the popular, graphics-heavy games of today. Programming, though, is on my list of alternate majors.

Sorry about the superficial answers--the library is kicking me off the computer soon.

God, I can relate so much, it is so weird to sign on to these boards and see your life story already typed by someone else.

I don't share all of your problems but many of them.

I went to college for three and a half years. One semester shy of graduating I had to leave campus. Mostly because of issues of sensory overload living on campus.

Now at home I find myself with nothing to do. Live in a rural area, no way to get anywhere.

Doing nothing indeed is deadly.

I too can't get a job because of well, other AS related issues and problems.

But when you said intelligence is all you thought you had but now do you even have that without the degree- boy, I can relate.

I wish I could make it better for you. I have tons of loans too.

Kate

Callista, I searched and found a link on loan forgiveness based on medical disability for US student loans. Forgiveness doesn't mean you can never go back to school, it means that you can be given a clean slate to continue on at a later date. These polices are in place to protect the borrower and the loan holder from the borrow becoming ill, disabled or otherwise injured.

http://www.michigan.gov/mistudentaid/0, ... --,00.html