Bad Parents

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This is only slightly related to AS, but I think many people will have an opinion on this. Last night on the telly there was a current affairs show which followed the story of this woman who had tried to get her son to go to school to no avail. The son also smoked, and was generally non-compliant with most expectations of him.

The story was followed up tonight with some expert opinions on why the family was having so much trouble: the parents hadn't set firm boundaries on their son, and it was implied several times throughout the story in a surprisingly non-subtle way that they were bad parents, despite the fact that they had indeed punished the son and tried to control his behaviour.

Now besides the fact that this story was terribly biased - they only got experts who supported the notion that they were bad parents - I think this sort of story is really harmful to all the parents out there who are really struggling out there. I mean, is it really that alien a concept that children can behave badly despite parental intervention? We know that many parents of kids on the spectrum are often blamed for their kid's behaviour, so why are parents in general still generally held to be the sole bearers of responsibility?

For example there was one part where the son said something to the effect 'I really want to go to school'. The 'expert' suggested many times that the parents weren't doing their job, but it never once crossed his mind that maybe school itself was the problem! Oh no, school is one of modern society's time-honoured institutions, we can't possibly say anything bad about it! <sarcasm>

It's so short-sighted of people to ignore factors such as school, youth culture, and society in general. There are a thousand things you can point the blame to, and bad parenting is just one of them.

I think the idea is that if we just blame things enough, everything will magically fall into place.

I mean creative thinking is hard!

i've found most people are clueless until they go through similiar circumstances~ it's so easy to blame the parents for the child's problems. sometimes, it is the parents~sometimes, it's not.

Yeah but it's not just your average joe, it's also the professionals who should know better.

Thank you for this post. I came to this forum for 2 reasons. My son that I have wondered about for quite a long time and a friend that has these same issues that things just fell into place.

I have been made to feel like a hysterical mother , I only have one child so of course I over induldge, I am not firm enough with food and the family meal when he refuses to eat what is prepared. "When he is hungry enough he will eat it" NO he won't.

I am inconsistent with my dicipline methods, its just a phase, he is just shy, slow to warm up,
Boys will be boys, etc. every excuse in the book I have heard from the doctor and from my own family.

This year at the age of 10 I am fighting to get everyone to finally see what I have seen from the time he was a baby. Yes right from issues with pushing me away on breastfeeding.
unexplained cholic was no doubt the beginning of his issues.

I love my son, I know he is different and I want nothing but the best. If I could homeschool him I would.

I am an NT but please to not shut me out here.

I think the issue is that most people are under the mentallity that a child models their parents and as such, a bad child means that the parents are bad. That type of mentallity is what forced parents to hide children who were different and since quite a few of those people are still alive, you still have that metallity in force today.

As for the doctors that should know better, saying stuff that is not controversial does not make them money. Same goes for power. How much power does a doctor have over a parent that is not relieved that this is not their fault vs a parent that believes that if they change, their child will change.

One school district by us would even pull this (especially in regards to the mom) as soon as anyone disputed putting their kids in a segregated classroom - especially EI for the kids with AS or HFA. You could even tell what district people would be from when they came online and start talking about what the school said - they were being overprotective, ect. One time I was seeing a therapist who was a real piece of work herself. In the short course of talking with her she told me she had all these really different jobs (and now she was playing psychologist) and she even wanted me to join her New Age church. She was one who thought my son was maybe "modeling" my issues - which really made no sense because he wasn't acting like me at all - I didn't care about being exactly between the crosswalks, ect. The bottom line for them was to sell me on taking some SSRIs and when I refused than they pulled that nonsense. Like if I took some Prozac my son's HFA would resolve itself.

i work in a SED school, and you'd think the teachers would be more understanding....for the most part, they are but......the teachers who don't have kids, or have those textbook perfect kids really don't understand. you hear them saying things like "Mrs. X is such a piece of work. if she'd only be consistent at home, the boy would be so much better behaved"...aaaaaaarrrrrgggggg!! !! !
i still say it all goes back to what people want to see~most people on the outside want to see that people have trouble because of something they did or their parents did. they don't want to see that some problems are difficult to fix.

In terms of professionals blaming parents, they really have no choice. The real culprits are not up for discussion, such as the nature of schools, the legal system, the work environment, etc... Institutions do more damage to our youth than anything else, and especially more so if our youth have a condition, say AS or something. This sort of thinking became the prominent result after the wave of school shootings, where professionals and politicians sent out alerts across the nation that parents were to blame for this and that. Parents are blamed in some states even if their kids don't wear seat belts on their school bus.

Whether we want to believe it or not, the current institutions, or at least those that run them, are creating a nation of fear. In this day and age, even if you do not look right ... you could be hauled in on the grounds of suspicion. In terms of parents, I assume that parents are afraid of their kids getting caught up in skirmishes because of zero tolerance laws. So, these parents are pushed to use strict forms of discipline out of fear, possibly losing control in trying to control their children and so forth.

Yeah, there are those bad parents out there as well, but this sort of thinking appears to be traced to the centers of our institutions. Kids are not legally adults until they are eighteen, so the parents are ultimately responsible. It is not hard to imagine that kids playing cops and robbers these days are frightening to parents, especially after the talks of those kids who were suspended because they dared to point their hands in the shape of a gun.

- Ray M -

It's just easier to blame parenting isn't it? Mainly because then nobody has to assert themselves or help us. I'm sure the schools use this in every way they can.

The posters in this thread no longer visit WP - trying to have a conversation 4 years out of step is a bit of a stretch. Just FYI, for next time.

I've noticed that with many (not all) out of control teens, there's a pattern from the parents. The child gets away with pretty much everything for the first five to 10 years of their life, then the parents finally wake up and realize they've created a monster. It's at this point that the parents try to set boundaries and start punishing.

At this point, there isn't a whole lot the parents can do to gain control. They freely gave it away to a tiny baby and are now trying to take it back from an irrational tween/teen.

That's not to say I think this was the case in the situation you're talking about, OP. I'm just saying you cannot judge a parents efforts once their child is out of control and say it's all the child's fault. Unless you know the whole picture, you're just jumping to conclusions... not unlike those biased experts. (which BTW could have had information that didn't make the final cut)

*facepalm* Now I feel dumb for my well thought out post. I really should look closer at dates. lol

Who cares if the original poster isn't here?? This fits many parents including my friend Meryl who visits and reads.
I have opinions-will continue to post where I feel . Enough said

Ryker-

The problem on this board is that often the first post is looking for fairly situational specific advice, and then our current parent posters take precious time out of their day to try and address that specific issue. Which becomes a waste of time, because the OP is usually long gone. Our parents don't have time to waste. In this case, you do have a topic with continuing value, but it references a news report that interested parties may have difficulty finding, which makes it confusing. And not a single one of the previous posters still visit here, so responding to them is a bit like calling out behind someone's back when they're already a mile away. They'll never hear it, but your neighbor will, and will wonder what the shouting is about and who the person you are shouting to is. There is no law against it, but it is really annoying, and most long term posters on internet boards consider it a violation of posting manners, much like posting in all caps is.

I think a simple, "I know I'm responding to an old post here, but this part really struck a chord" would ease that transition on a topic like this one. Just show some respect for the fact you just did something that is likely to confuse people.

I have come to realize that parents only have so much control in how their children turn out.

I spent the first 9 years of my 10 year old son's life being criticized and blamed for 'the way he is'. I was consistent, I was stubborn, I was hard on him. He went to a private school, we did extra homework in the evening, he was in extra curricular activities, etc...but it was still my fault that he was 'like that' (PDD-NOS). I have been told the stupidest things in the world - 'his rages are obviously due to the fact that he doesn't have a father'...yes, because not having a relationship with your father causes autistic rages.

Then I get the diagnosis....'oh....I never knew! It all makes sense' and now it is 'poor you' instead of 'you're a crappy parent'. Gee, thanks.

Now, my younger child has some health issues. Of course, it is me 'looking' for something wrong because he 'looks fine'. Right. Cuz medical tests and diagnosis are created by my will or with my magic wand. Now my little one is having seizures and they are all 'oh....I never knew he had a REAL medical condition'....whatever.

I do look at parents, children and parenting totally differently now that I received confirmation that it's 'not my fault'. I bought into it for many many years because I heard it so much. So much pressure. So much blame. So much criticism, but no one offering to help or considering that maybe it isn't me.