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shasta
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17 Oct 2010, 8:02 pm

I seem to have a problem with guys. For some reason I fall in love with a guy, and within a couple months they "accidentally" fall in love with some one else. These guys never have the guts to tell me face to face. When I ask them what happened, they always tell me that they still have feelings for me, and still really care about me, but they're with someone else. Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking too deep into their actions? Or are they just trying to use me and running when I don't give them what they want?


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happymusic
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17 Oct 2010, 8:17 pm

shasta wrote:
Or are they just trying to use me and running when I don't give them what they want?

What do you mean by "what they want"? I think a lot of guys find physical affection very important and may not stick around if they don't feel fulfilled. But I'm not sure if that's what you're referring to.



shasta
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17 Oct 2010, 8:21 pm

I've decided to wait till marriage to do anything serious. I make my intentions on that known from the start so that the guy knows what's he's getting into. Some even say that they think it's good. But it ends the same. The last two times the guys ended it through a text message.


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17 Oct 2010, 8:23 pm

My ex did that to me... several times (long story)

Except im the guy in this scenario, and i'm not looking specifically for sex. I want something with a little meaning...



shasta
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17 Oct 2010, 8:28 pm

I'm not sure what to do at this point.


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happymusic
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17 Oct 2010, 8:43 pm

Are they guys who share your morals? If they aren't already of the same mind, they might have a hard time with it, even if in the beginning they don't think they will. Dunno. How do you meet these guys? I mean church, school, etc.?



Last edited by happymusic on 17 Oct 2010, 8:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

shasta
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17 Oct 2010, 8:47 pm

various ways. the one i went to high school with. Another I met during class at college. There's one I met while he was working in the small town I live in. I don't give my number to guys I meet at bars.


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17 Oct 2010, 8:48 pm

shasta wrote:
I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Hold your standard tightly and never trade yourself for a trinket. In time, your patience and persistence will pay off.


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shasta
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17 Oct 2010, 8:56 pm

I stick to my guns. But i'm tired of guys treating me like this.


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17 Oct 2010, 9:58 pm

shasta wrote:
I seem to have a problem with guys. For some reason I fall in love with a guy, and within a couple months they "accidentally" fall in love with some one else. These guys never have the guts to tell me face to face. When I ask them what happened, they always tell me that they still have feelings for me, and still really care about me, but they're with someone else. Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking too deep into their actions? Or are they just trying to use me and running when I don't give them what they want?


*sigh* This happens to me. Granted, it takes a few weeks for someone to cheat on me but it still applies. Personally, I feel guys just wanted me for a quick f**k and when I wouldn't give it to them, they leave. It's selfish, but hey, it's their loss.



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17 Oct 2010, 10:15 pm

I had a similar problem with a girl. She basically used me for free rides to school and occasional free lunches. Being with her was like babysitting. Anytime I wanted to do something, like go to a museum, she'd either avoid it or would basically ignore the point of the trip.

That said, I did not love her.

Apparently some guys don't think that one girl is enough. I certainly don't think I would have this problem. If I ever became stuck having to choose between two girls, I would most likely run away. Or chose neither.

Now, just to say it, you claim to "fall in love" with a guy in a few months. Perhaps they thought you were moving to fast, or thought you were clingy?


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17 Oct 2010, 10:19 pm

leejosepho wrote:
shasta wrote:
I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Hold your standard tightly and never trade yourself for a trinket. In time, your patience and persistence will pay off.


Yes, this. And the right person will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Consider the type of person you're attracting and why that might be happening. For example, I was raised by hardworking people and being a work horse was drilled into my being. I also had terrible self-esteem. Most of the guys I dated were sponges and took advantage of the fact that I would support them until they got back on their feet (which never happened).



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17 Oct 2010, 11:19 pm

shasta wrote:
I seem to have a problem with guys. For some reason I fall in love with a guy, and within a couple months they "accidentally" fall in love with some one else. These guys never have the guts to tell me face to face. When I ask them what happened, they always tell me that they still have feelings for me, and still really care about me, but they're with someone else. Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking too deep into their actions? Or are they just trying to use me and running when I don't give them what they want?


I imagine they didn't fall in love with this person instantly. I am betting you cannot pick up on non-verbal cues that they are not happy in a relationship and have started pursing other potential mates.

In that case, they are jerks who don't have the balls to flat out tell you they aren't happy for whatever reason and you should be glad they're gone. But perhaps you should also tell men from the start that they need to be upfront with you about how they feel in the relationship.



ToadOfSteel
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17 Oct 2010, 11:46 pm

Here's one man who is unwaveringly loyal :salut: But nobody wants me...

I mean, seriously, it's my one redeemable quality. If I can't sell that to anyone, i'm doomed...



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18 Oct 2010, 2:44 am

They wanted sex.



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18 Oct 2010, 5:31 am

The sex thing really is a silly reason to dump someone. I'm not DEFENDING our tendency to demand sex, but the least I can do is present it from my point of view:

I once dated a girl for about a year and a half who was a virgin when we first met. I knew I was falling for her, and I suspected she might reciprocate my feelings. But at the same time, I felt the only decent thing I could do was communicate that I was more experienced and that, for me, sex was something I did expect in a relationship. For us to be together, I needed for her to understand that and the pressures that go with it.

So in all reality, she probably wasn't "ready" when she lost her virginity, but the truth is she probably never would have been. In her case, "ready" and "willing" were two separate things. For most guys to push those boundaries could mean being brought up rape charges, and in our case the dialogue about sex was open enough that I could safely avoid any such violations. She knew the risks and was willing to take those risks. I told her outright if she wasn't comfortable with that then we should end the relationship before things progress beyond what she could handle. She stayed with me, and after a few months the inevitable happened.

If that makes me a pig, then so be it. But I think it's much better for a woman to know what she's getting into and make a choice she can live with rather than for a guy to tell a girl what she wants so that he might get a chance to take advantage of her. Guys, like it or not, will generally tend to demand sex. About the only way you can avoid that is to stay cloistered in some kind of religious institution (like a Christian church) and meet a like-minded man there. I actually HAVE known couples who were both virgins until they got married. The girl I mentioned above, in a similar way, decided after we broke up that she didn't see sex as all that important. The last I heard, she was dating a younger guy who is a virgin and she has no problem keeping him that way. I admire her for that because I simply lack that kind of self-control!

The sad fact remains, though, that most guys who have had sex in a previous relationship will tend to expect it in future relationships. When you go out with a guy, you are going to run the risk that he will pressure you or even seduce you.

Saving yourself for marriage is a NOBLE thing. But at the same time, having sex is NOT the worst thing in the world. I'm a particularly religious person in spite of how I might have been in the past. Even in the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, sex is NOT regarded (as commonly thought) as automatically punishable by death. What IS punishable by death, in a sexual sense, is taking something (a woman's virginity) that doesn't belong to you (if you're a guy) or isn't yours to give (if you're a woman). If, for example, you (as a woman) claim to be a virgin on your wedding night and you aren't, then you're lying about one of the worst possible things to lie about. So, of course, they're going to kill you. If the man loves you and already knows your past, then he might be quiet about it and no one ever has to know. But if that is a problem, then he can leave and take his business elsewhere and no harm has to come to anyone. Rape is deserving of death for the man who commits it. According to the OT, though, it is POSSIBLE to forgive rape if the family can agree to let the couple get married (in a day of arranged marriages, this is hardly likely, but possible). It is possible in many instances that a couple who love each other can be forgiven sexual sin if they are allowed to marry--the Bible indicates no reason why they shouldn't. Unmarried sex with slaves in not forbidden, but there are probably very strict reasons why anyone WOULD take a slave as a lover--I'm guessing most likely for reproductive purposes, not just simply mere pleasure; there are documented Biblical cases for that, as well. So while the Bible does emphasize that we should avoid sexual immorality, it also doesn't cut out sex entirely, either. In any case, it's a "proceed with caution kind of situation."