Don't think I'll ever get a girlfriend

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I've just turned 17 years old and I have never had a girlfriend before, nor have been close to getting one. It is very frustrating as I feel at the moment this is the way that it going to be for the rest of my life. I am not very attractive to women at all as they probably see me as a bit of a boring, miserable person with nothing to offer to them. I try not to be like this but I think this is how I appear to people. Also, I would never have the bottle to ask someone out that I was interested in, because I just wouldn't know how to go about it. I also wouldn't be able to pick up if a girl was interested in me. I have been humiliated by girls in the past who have wound me up saying that they fancy me when of course they are joking, just because I am an easy target and they want to see my reaction. I have now become so cynical that if a girl was showing genuine interest in me I would think they were trying to belittle me like before. I also would bore the hell out of them on a date. I'd probably end up talking about football or television or something else that I know about. It gets very depressing when I see everyone in my 6th form pairing off and I'm left by myself like a loser. I don't see how this situation is going to change as I move into adulthood.

Well, I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was your age, plus your best years are actually still ahead. Many aspies are late bloomers, and if you work on it, I'm sure you can get one. Keeping her is another topic, but we won't go there yet.

First things first. Do you have friends? If so, are they close or more acquaintances? Your friendships help develope your social skills and you can often learn from good friends a few tricks of the trade. The best thing my friends ever gave me, was a good sense of humor. We take a lot of that from our friends, and let me tell you, a girl loves a guy that can really make her laugh.

At my 6th form I talk to people, but I wouldn't say they are "friends." Outside of there I rarely talk to them and am by myself a lot of the time, because the hyper-social environment of the 6th form and everyone being all happy and having a laugh stresses me out. Mostly I just need to get home at the end of the day to chill out and relax. I am not very happy with my social skills. They are not good with talking to people in general so obviously developing a romantic relationship will be a lot more difficult still. I am finding myself getting more bitter and angry at the world in general and the way it is set up to be totally against someone with Aspergers. My lack of success romantically is just a small part of this anger. Because of this anger I don't have a good sense of humour, because I am just so pissed about things it is hard to laugh sometimes. As I said before I don't see how this is going to change for me. Oh well.

The people you talk to... let's start there (if you don't mind). What sorts of things do you talk about with them? Does anyone around you kinda shun social interaction too?

I got my first girlfriend when I was 17, it lasted a year. Her name was Claudia. I broke off the relationship after I found out she was cheating on me, and was just an overall arrogant, self-centered jerk.

I am 26 now, and I have very strict standards for who I go out with.

Tim

The first thing you should do is evaluate your desire to get a girlfriend. I know this sounds strange but bear with me. Ask yourself whether you want a girlfriend for the sake of connecting deep down on an emotional, spiritual and sensual level with someone or if you're self-conscious about not having a girlfriend as your peers are. If you are only concerned about keeping up with your peers, then I'd suggest you don't get a girlfriend until you have that desire for connection. There are worse things than not having a girlfriend, and one of those is having a girlfriend you want to get rid of because you only hooked up with her for your self-esteem.

If you want a relationship, then I'd suggest, for now, that you don't look for a relationship. Your low self-esteem isn't going to attract anyone. First you need to focus on your what friends you have, and other things which might not seem related to relationships at all, like your studies and hobbies. Get involved in things where you're engaging yourself and setting goals. Why do I think this is a good idea? It's a good idea because the best circumstances under which you can meet a person are when you are both under similar circumstances, with similar goals. You're far more likely to have things in common with people who are in the same clubs as you, the same subjects at college, etc. Plus being engaged in these things will increase your self-esteem.

I wish there was more advice I could give you but that's about the limit of my knowledge about these things. I'd say that even if you are looking for a relationship, there's a good chance that your distress at not having one arises at least partially from the expectations of your peers, and your own self-expectations. You have to let these go, because they're actually counter-productive. These expectations are based on people with good social skills, and it's unreasonable for you to expect yourself to live up to somebody else's expectations. Know your own limitations and set your own goals, at your own pace.

You're only 17 so don't come to any conclusions about your future love life just yet.

No, not really. It is especially frustrating because just about everyone else in my 6th form is extremely socially developed. This has left me out in the cold.

In answer to Engimatic_Oddity, I don't really care if my peers have a girlfriend or not. In fact, I don't really care about them full stop. I suppose I'm just annoyed that I have turned seventeen and haven't even had a glimpse of a romantic incident in my life, ever. Also, I know I am not an attractive proposition to a girl at all, as they would sense that my self-esteem is low, I can't hold down a conversation and am generally just a boring and weird person who does not fit in. I don't know if it is the same in America, but over here in England every social thing in society is orientated around going out and, basically, getting completely pissed. I wouldn't want to do that, she would and would think I am stupid for not wanting to. I'd be dumped within a couple of days, although saying that I wouldn't be in a position where they're going out with me in the first place.
I would need to be with someone who understands all this and actually treats me as a human being, not just make fun of me.

Do Aspie/Aspie relationships work? Has anyone ever been in one?

So it is self-expectation? You don't actually want a relationship? If that's true, you have to let it go. It would be selfish to act upon a desire for a girlfriend simply because of your self-expectations.



That's why I say it's best for you to concentrate on other things. Your best chance of meeting girls is through doing other things, rather than through 'traditional' social gatherings. Join clubs that you're interested in, meet people through your studying.



There's a thread on this in the Mature forum. I personally have only gone out with one person over a brief period of time, several years ago. She wasn't an Aspie though.

I don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend in my life. Anyway, friendships are more important than romance to me and I have a couple of friends who have AS. If I ever try to get a girlfriend, I just know that it's going to backfire and at the end of the day, it's just a waste of time. I will never see the point of trying to look attractive, as I have my own fashion. In primary school I had a girlfriend in Year 2 (I was more socially capable ). I absolutely see no point in dating and I'm tired of the fact that many people in secondary school worry about it so much that they have one when they are at least 11 years old. It's just a load of bullsh**.

I know I am only 14 but these are my current views about dating.

14??? I wasn't even aware of any expectation to date at that age! The people who dated at that age were branded players and sluts. Which makes me wonder if our community isn't a little backward here...

You my friend, are what youths in America call "strait edge"... Not a bad thing. It's got a whole sub-culture built around it. You just have to find your niche. The drinking age is much lower in Europe and other parts of the world compared to here and it is much more part of that culture. But much of the in-crowd here does engage in such things. Then again, living in the southern US, there are a lot more "morals oriented" people with the prevalence of religion and all. I think that made things easier for me.

Have you considered going to college in a foreign country or another part of England (or any Commonwealth Nation for that matter)? It would be an amazing experience to grow and your weirdness might be overlooked a bit more in a different culture.

Hey Geordie, there are girls out there who like talking about football and television, who will be absolutely delighted that you don't want to go and get drunk in noisy crowded pubs, and will be thrilled that you are not one of those super-confident types who have had lots of girlfriends already.

I would imagine that one way you could get to know this sort of girl is to put up some penfriend adverts, you know, like: 'Quiet guy would like to write to kind-hearted, home-loving, non-drinking girls of similar age who enjoy reading and writing about television programmes and football teams.' Adding something like, 'looks [ie appearance] immaterial' can help generate replies from girls who have low self-image themselves (even though, in reality, they look just fine!), and are maybe feeling a bit lonely too. The huge benefit of penfriendship is that you can find out whether you and she can communicate and bond with each other for months (or years) before you finally meet. And nobody is going to go to all that time and effort of writing long letters just to wind somebody up!

As for Aspie-Aspie relationships: my partner is Aspie and I am neurologically untypical with a collection of Aspie characteristics. I'm NT enough to deal with running the household and attending to social intrusions, but Aspie enough to sit in my own space all day every day and follow my own interests, as my partner does too. Same room: own worlds, one life. It's brilliant.

- Dani.

Looking for a significant other does not work, and not looking for a significant other does not work. It's all about who you are.