Getting out of the house

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My son is 9 and has aspergers. He was diagnosed almost a year ago.
He's been receiving services since he's 3 -- OT, PT, Speech... Counseling on and off
and now he's in a special needs school -- good academics, class of 11 kids, one teacher, two assistants -- it's a really great place with
pragmatic language and social skills built into the curriculum.... along with swim, art, computer - and all the related services.

My problem is that I cannot get him to agree to do anything outside of going to school (which he does happily) and family events (which he's not too happy to do but does). If he had his druthers we'd stay home every weekend -- all day and night -- . He also doesn't want to do any extra curricular -- those he needs exercise - he's overweight - and has issues with low tone, etc. People say - do what interests in - but literally - all he is interested in is the computer. If I do force him do something - he complains constantly and he asks over and over when can we go home. Sort of takes the fun out of doing just about anything and I've started to give in because the alternative is so stressful.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom on how to get out of this rut?

Rachel

Odd Fiction had a suggestion in another thread that I think will help here:

When you do go out, tell your son PRECISELY when he'll return. That way he will always know when the "end" is. Give him a watch, give him the time, and STICK to it.

So there is step 1.

As parents, we stuck a little in the middle of "what the child wants and will always want" v. "what the child might want if he was more willing to try things." At age 9 I'm not convinced any child has fully sorted out what he really wants, but he does know what feels safe and predictable.

I would suggest baby steps. Maybe make a plan that 4 hours every single weekend will be spent outside of the house on an activity you hope he will enjoy. Give him ample notice and detailed information about the activity, and tell him that while you are working hard to consider his unique personality and needs when making these choices, that once the choice is set, you expect him to come along and not complain. I would recommend trying unpopular museums on topics that he has shown interest in in the past, flat hikes in pretty and uncrowded places, and so on. Things that you honestly believe he might actually like; not based on what other kids like, but based on what you know about him. After each activity let him score it to help guide your future choices.

Respect his fears and sensitivities but nudge him a bit on going past them.

Can he ride a bike yet? Both my kids fell in love with bike riding when they finally learned it. Many AS kids learn late, but once he is ready, that may prove to be a great option.

I don't know if this is a starting point, you may need other suggestions to overcome the inertia, but I know my son would do nothing if given the choice, and that physical activity is a need for him, despite how much he dislikes it.

For one thing, I know this is controversial, but we implemented specific limits on screen time: two half-hours each day (one after he's done getting dressed in the morning, one after homework) and very limited access to video games (one half-hour after cleaning his room.) We do have a weekly family movie night that doesn't affect these limits. I did this for two reasons - first, I found myself using TV as a babysitter when he was little, which wasn't a good thing and for another he would easily plug himself in to whatever media we allowed 24/7 if there were no limits. I have always recognized that TV is important to help him de-program, so I try to make sure he gets all he is entitled to.

After a horrible experience with Tae Kwan Do, we decided to let him take responsibility for activity. We told him that he needs to exercise. When the forms come out at the beginning of the school year, he is to choose 2 extra-curricular activities involving exercise, one on the weekend and one afterschool. We do not argue with his choices, but we also let him know we consider his choice to be a commitment to see it through until the end of the session. Fortunately, scheduled activities are inherently predictable, which is a very important part of activity for him. Swimming lessons have worked well for us - while DS has terrific muscle tone, he is somewhat uncoordinated.

We have problems in this area too. I think an important part of it is making sure my son feels like he has enough time to himself. It is really easy to overschedule him. Also, the activities need to be fun for him. We just started taking him to Capoeira class, which is going really well. (Knock wood.)

Also important to schedule things ahead of time.
Next weekend we will be going for a hike along the river to appreciate the leaves changing colors. We will leave at 10am, and be back home by 1.30.

Impulsive "We're going to the farm today to pet pigs" (same day) isn't going to go over as well as something planned ahead and written on the family's "fridge schedule".

I'm sure everyone has that family member who "putters" around before attending to a chore? Puttering (when I do it) is because i'm trying to physically and mentally prepare myself for the "tough social project" ahead of me. A week should be plenty enough "puttering time"

Thanks DW for crediting me on the "being back"
I also have to add my voice in praise - your posts are always intelligent, insightful and caring.

So are yours Odd Fiction, just for the record. (I would insert a smiley here but havent figured out how, .)
Wish I could give you advice Rachelfran, but I have exactly the same issue with my daughter, who has been more or less cemented to the sofa since the mid term break. She says she will exercise if I buy a treadmill, and I'm nearly leaning in that direction out of desperation to get her up and moving, but I fear it will soon clutter up the house unused, also I worry because thats just staying in her comfort zone . Her favourite occupations are Runescape and reading and watching Top Gear, and like your son, she will happily go to school but as for after school activities, FORGET it. Every idea is shot down pretty quickly.
So will be trying the river hike leaf changing idea next week!

I'm wondering if the OP's son refuses to go outside simply because he's bored with the scenery wherever his parents take him. Is there a scenic place with an "oh wow" factor wherever you live, to appeal to his sense of wonder? Something like a levee next to a river, a forest preserve with a hilly terrain and an overlook, a park with a lake to go boating (rowing is great for upper body tone), a rocky shoreline with crashing waves, or a formal garden with flowers (watch out for bees). As an alternative, you can take your son to an outdoor museum that requires a lot of walking by design, like a railroad museum, a classic car museum, or a military museum (most boys would enjoy at least one of these). He'll be so intrigued by exploring it, that he won't even know he's getting exercise. Just resist the urge to stop anywhere less healthy than Subway on the way back, to avoid negating the benefits of walking.

I really agree with people about letting your so know exactly how long you'll be gone. I also wonder how often "family events" take place and how stressful they are. I honestly think that the hardest thing for NT people to grasp about autism is how exhausting it is. If he's handling school well, he may need all the rest he is getting.

But you are right to be concerned. To me, getting out of the house is a different goal from getting exercise. They're both hard for him, I think, so I'd work on one at a time. I usually get to the gym twice a week, but if that's too much for me, I play Dance Dance Revolution or WiiFit at home. I've also used TaeBo exercise tapes. I probably would not have ever gotten into the habit of going to the gym if I had not had a Bowflex to get used to exercising at home, where I had no social pressure or anxiety from interacting with strangers. Once I was used to doing it, I started liking the gym better, but I couldn't have done both.

I also wonder about using school time to exercise. Walking around the playground during lunch might be a good way for him to get a little more exercise, especially if he doesn't have any activity he specially enjoys doing then. I bet you could even get him to get a teacher to initial a card for you that he was using his recess time to exercise, and he would not even have to give up any computer time.

If you want to focus on getting him out of the house, then I think one weekend outing is a very reasonable expectation. Finding things that are both fun and not horribly taxing is hard. Do you have a newspaper with a weekly events guide? Spend some time exploring options with him-- he may be interested in things that wouldn't occur to you.

thanks for all of the replies...
part of the problem is that i'm in nyc and it's a real effort just to get anywhere -- so getting there is probably more than half the battle - but there is no other way to get places...

unfortunately - he doesn't have a traditional recess -- He's in a great school and has gym 2x week and swim 2x week but no recess after lunch as in traditional schools. So that's not an option for exercise but at least he's getting the aforementioned activity 4x week. In our previous school he had gym 1x week -- hated it and had recess when the weather was good - but sat on the sidelines.

i'm sure i'm a good part of the problem since his unwillingness makes it easier for me to be lazy and not force the issue. I think I need to be a better planner. I've never been able to set things up a week in advance.

Hello

The advice given above is fairly good advice, and I am fine with the idea of having a Saturday activity for a few hours. Trying to get out to the museum, aquarium, or some other event once a week is a reasonable goal, if for no other reason the getting some variety. Although, I would encourage you to find something that your child is able to enjoy. I have low muscle tone myself, and I have always hated outdoors activities (walking, hiking, sports, sunlight, etc.) When you almost pass out from exhaustion after walking for a mile, and the sun is painfully bright, then an afternoon hike through the park isn't a very enjoyable activity.

If you are worried about his weight, then I would suggest paying more attention to the calories that he consumes. Many people think that the best and only way to lose weight is to exercise more, but the reality is that a lower calorie diet is far more effective at losing weight. For example, if your child weighs 100 lbs, and you have a leisurely stroll through the park (2 mph), then your child will burn 57 calories per mile*. If you go on a 2 mile hike (which may result in your child passing out from exhaustion, depending on his stamina) then he would spend an hour outside in a very unpleasant environment, and burn a grand total of 114 calories. By comparison, 1 cup of root beer is 120 calories and an almond joy candy bar is 220 calories. Simply having water instead of pop for dinner has the same effect as taking an hour long hike, but with far less unpleasantness.

There is, of course, the argument that exercise helps by building up muscle tone. Increased muscle tone then burns more calories, which means that you burn energy more quickly, even if all you are doing is sitting on the couch. The problem is that this idea relies on the notion of the body building up muscle in response to exercise. Unfortunately, when you have a neurological condition which prevents you from building muscle mass, then you don't actually gain any increase in strength or muscle size from exercise. Making that potential benefit unrealizable in your child's situation.

*http://walking.about.com/cs/howtoloseweight/a/howcalburn.htm

The second thing I want to mention is that you don't need to worry about him getting too much computer time. I grew up on the computer practically. I think I averaged about 5-6 hours per day from middle school forward. The notion that 'computers are bad for you' is a false idea, put forth by people who are afraid of new things that their children are doing. It is similar to the old idea that reading comic books makes you illiterate. Plus, which do you think is better at developing his critical thinking and problem solving skills? Working on the computer, or running around all day kicking a ball. There is the argument that playing on the computer doesn't involve as much socializing as something like playing with friends outside. But if your child is like most autistic children then he gets far more then enough socializing at school. What he needs when he gets home is time to relax and unwind, not more socializing to drain his already depleted reserves.

There is, of course, practical limitations on the computer. For example, if he has to go to bed at 9:30 pm (in order to get enough sleep and be ready for school the next day) then he probably shouldn't be on the computer past 9pm, which leaves him 30 minutes to shower, change, and get ready for bed. Also, setting aside an hour in the evenings for dinner/homework would be reasonable in most situations. But that still leaves you with a lot of time for the computer. So, 3pm (home from school) till 6 pm (dinner time) and 7pm (after homework) till 9pm (bedtime) are available for the computer. That way your child has plenty of available time to pursue his hobbies, enjoy himself, relax, and unwind, while still taking care of the important things in life like sleep, and food.

It is hard for me, too, but I've noticed my NT daughter gets really cranky if I give in too much to her couch potato tendencies, so I've been working harder on scheduling things myself. It isn't natural to me, but knowing that making that investment means we get to the end of the weekend with everyone laughing and happy instead of grumpy and bored spurs me. Now, if the opposite turns out to be true, that will be another matter ... but you won't know for sure until you've make a solid attempt at breaking the pattern.

While my AS son loves his computer, he figured out a long time ago that he needs to get out of the house to be happy. He's the one most likely to be saying he's bored, which really means, "can't we go to a museum?" or "won't you find a cool bike trail for us to explore?" or "I wish I was camping with scouts this weekend!" or "I wish someone would play WarHammer with me." He's learned that screens can pull him in past the time he's still finding joy in it, and that he needs a little variety. HE'S learned that. But, as Tracker pointed out, not everyone is the same.

So make the investment, try some different types of well planned outings, and after a few months decide what works best for your unique child and family. But you can't be sure if you haven't done any different.

I think it's true that calories matter more than exercise when you're talking weight, but there's a lifelong benefit to getting in the habit of physical activity. It's healthy and it feels good.

We've been quietly cutting down my sons calories plus encouraging more activity. I don't want him getting the idea that he's overweight or unacceptable--especially not from us!--but I also want to help him avoid some of the problems my husband and I both had. So I haven't said anything to him about weight, just cut out some extras here and there.

Low tone..overweigh?. Can you invest in an indoor cycle bike or ask for assistance for one? My son likes his. He has one in his room. I wonder if your son may benefit from sun therapy too? i use a light therapy lamp for him suggested by his psychologist. Lifts the mood makes him more apt to be active.

Being in NYC doesn't need to stop you from enjoying nature in the city. People throughout New York's history were well aware of that fact, and created Central Park for a reason. You can take your son there, and let him run around and explore different parts of it (with your supervision, of course). Hey, you already paid for it through the outrageously high city taxes. Or, as an alternative, perhaps he might find the High Line to be of some interest (it's a park-like walkway on top of an old railroad trestle in Manhattan, but I'm sure you already know that). I definitely would have loved it as a kid. Walk its entire length, if you can handle it, as you enjoy the history behind it or just the quirkiness of the fact that it used to carry freight trains. Then stop at a non-corporate deli for a post-workout meal. Feed good about yourself for supporting a local business; just make sure you get something healthy, otherwise you'll negate the health benefits of a good walk.