I dropped out of a top college 14 years ago after 3 years plus one semester. A lifetime of severe avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety, severe depression and possible AS. I only found out in 1998 what social anxiety was, and that I was depressed. A few years later, I believe my lack of facial expressions, lack of social skills, monotone voice, and literal interpretation of literature and poetry meant I had AS.
Living in the dorms was a prison. In high school, I could go home and vege out in front of the television. In college, i was surrounded by hostility and misunderstanding. I didn't have anyone to eat with at the cafeteria, so i bought my own food, but felt like such a freaking loser when bringing food to my room. I had no one to talk to . Professors were as*holes. So were the RAs.
I often got yelled at a lot in public by professors and secretaries because of the tense, terse way I spoke. Plus that constant look of depression and anxiety on my face seems to bring out the very worst in people.
Never had a job. never had friends in 14 years, not that I really had any befre that. I have a cat. And the internt. I want to kill myself, but am too afraid to. Too much guilt thinking about it. Life has completely passed me by. Plus I am a minority, so eeryone hates me based on skin color anyway.
28 Dec 2004, 12:12 pm
