20 years old and I'm losing hope

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I havnt been formally diagnosed with Aspergers but I'm pretty sure I do have it. Ive been diagnosed with ADD and social anxiety.

SInce I was a kid around 12 or so (I can't remember much before that age idk why) I always knew I was somehow 'different' from my friends, peers and people in general. I couldnt put my finger on it, but I realized that it seemed that I saw everyhing from a different point of view- Like I was very logical and only grasped concrete facts. During this time I was considered very smart by my peers and parents, I had a big vocabulary and did well in school. However I was also frequently lost in my 'own world' and daydreamed a lot. I attended a small Christian school from K-6th that had around 20 kids in my class and school was pretty much my only social contacts other than my own family (my family is Japanese-American on one side and Japanese on the other ) were my school friends/peers/teachers at this small school. Because it was such a tight knit group for so long and I knew these kids for years, I think my oddness went unnoticed.

ONce I left that small school and attended a mcuh larger 7-12th school, I realized that I was socially inept and awkward. Also something about my physical make up is just awkward. I was overweight, socially awkward/quiet, dressed awkwardly, looked funny and kinda drifted around by myself a lot. People were never outright mean to me but they acted like I was part of the background or probably talked badly about me when I wasnt around. I had some groups of friends but I was never really a part of any of those groups, I was more like the weakest link/someone who hangs with them or was 'allowed' to hang with them at school, outside of school I didn't go out much if at all. Just stuck at home on the weekends for the most part until 11th grade came...I started going out to parties and doing things with friends/aquiantences more.


I had one group of friends in 7th grade-8th that I fit in better with, we were all not that popular and kinda nerdy playing video games and Magic cards but even in that group I was teased, though in a more playful way. That group kinda broke up once our schedules and classes changed and I was a nomad/loner for another 2 years until I decided to do something with my life- I tried out for the freshman football team but got cut. i was too out of shape (i was never in shape to begin with) and too slow. That year the Varsity team went to the state championship and lost on the very last play...that inspired me so much that I pushed myself extremely hard workout / run for a year. I made the JV team my soph year, then after contnuing my intense workouts I made Varsity my JR and SR years eventually making it onto the field sporadically those last two years. I wasn't a star or anything, but it built some confidence and it was the first thing in my life that I made happen out of my own determination. Some of my teammates were very great ppl and have accepted me into their group...these guys are 4/6 closest friends/social contacts apart from some ppl online. They are the only ppl to accept me and my oddities and make me feel included and have fun. If I didnt have these guys I would probably end up killing myself.

From 9th-12th grade my obsession was football, I lived for it everyday and I felt 'complete'. Once I graduated I had this huge hole in my chest and felt lost and empty....and now that im in college now I filled that hole with pot and alcohol....until that point in life I filled my emptiness with certain video games that I would play hours and hours on end, TV, books that I would read over and over again and sports.

I have a large head, a weird gait (and pace) and my legs and arms were super awkwardly formed, its like they can only bend in one way like they were on hinges at the joint and are large/muscular by the joints and gets thinner and thinner the closer it gets to the ankles and wrists...giving me a weird thick torso, arms and thighs but thin forearms and calves Playing football and working out probably only made those features worse because I built muscle by the joints and less on the thinner parts.

Jokes and humor are things I cannot create on my own, or if I do it something I heard previously from someone else or I somehow came up with something funny after much thought. This usually takes too long to do and once I've thought of something witty to say its way to late to say it.

Now I'm 20 and in college...I'm still awkward, overweight again, feel completely lost and unsure of myself and feel empty inside. I was able to be super outgoing and socialbe the first year or so but that was because I had a fresh start cuz nobody knew my past as well as the fact that alcohol/pot surpressed any anxiety i had). I was well liked and had many friends the first two years and even had my first sexual experiences (they prob thought i was awkward /slightly weird but liked my friendliness and uniqueness more at that point)...now its totally different. all those same peole i just talked about think i'm crazy and weird because once they saw the "REAL" me after living with me or just seeing me frequently they pick up on the aspergers (inability to socialize in more than 1v1, flat facial expression or one thats not appropriate for the situation, the proximity in which i stand to ppl, the clothes I wear (same sets of clothes, same shoes, same combos of clothes) and that I seemed continuously distant to them (because I dont know how to be more intimate/engaging cuz i fear ill be creepy or say weird things)

so until recently i've just been putting on masks and playing roles with ppl so that I can get by for short periods of time...but thats all its been....ive learned just enough to socialize with ppl in surface terms only and just enough for "hey hows it going? good good me too, yeah ive just been doing errands and blah blah etc, well I'll see you around "

Now that my 'friends' have left me I've realized what kind of life i've led till now...I'm losing hope. Until this point i kept myself going by telling myself that things will get better in the future...but things seem to be getting harder and harder as time goes by.

if anyone had a similar youth can you give me some hope? I don't know what I should do....i was suicidal last year but been more stable till now. Now I just realize that ill be this way forever and that I do not want to live life if I'm alone and seen as crazy forever.

Fairly similar...though I never had much in the way of social experiences in college, nor did I ever smoke pot or drink alcohol.

You should see if your school has any social skills groups. Most colleges do...

I've found that when you meet someone that you think is 'friend' material and you take them out to lunch or something to talk and chat.

Then when you are some place well suited for a conversation, and before it can get awkward, explain to them that your autistic and that you see some great qualities in them and are interested in being friends. It sounds junior high, but it sets the stage for a relationship that can teach you so much. NT's can be really friendly, and helpful, if they know what your limitations are to what extend they impair you. Sometimes they can point out something you may have missed, tell you to be wary of someone who seems harmless - but lord knows we can't always be the best of judges, and other things of that nature can make friendships with neurotypical people great.

Just make sure you feel comfortable with them before you start sharing - this can be difficult stuff for some people to share.

<edit> I had this conversation recently with my boss at work. I was so nervous, but pretty much everyone I've told the story too thinks it wasn't a bad idea. I went to see my doctor today and told her about it and I didn't get negative feedback for doing so.

Anyways, I was thinking about your post from yesterday - I hope that you are doing well.

Thanks for the replies-
Faidin- I have been doing this recently and I found that it helps A LOT. Peoples reactions were mostly positive cause they finally understood my bizarre behaviors

I'm not really doing better but I'm in the process of making environment changes (moving to Hawaii) so hopefully that works out.

I found your story very intriguing, and quite like my own. Ive been in the pot ditch with people i thought were my friends. Played wow for several years. And felt utterly alone with no one to talk to. But I'll tell you one thing you can do to improve your life, is to get in shape. I was really depressed last year before i started working out at the gym and loosing fat, my life changed dramatically. I'm not saying it is easy, it is hard. But it is so worth it. The feeling of chicks looking at you when you walk by is amazing. And if you have the money, get a personal trainer, absolutely the most effective way to get in shape.

Ah I remember the feeling of having chicks glance at you, I only had that in high school sometimes (I'm not good looking to begin with) but it is definately a HUGE boost. Unfortunately I'm 20 years old and a student so I have no time for a job and extra income...but I did sign up for gym membership yesterday and will get that rolling. Basically I fill my life with one obsession after the next so I figure why not make working out my obsession? Thats what I did in high school and I ended up playing football for a very talented HS football team and got into much better shape. I can never get 'ripped' i dont now why but at least I can look thinner/fit.

Thank you guys for your input and advice!

I think this is a good step, tangomike. I have lost quite a bit of weight about three years ago and I still feel so much better now that I am not lugging around all that fat anymore. It really did something for my self-confidence. I hope you enjoy the time you spend at the gym. *thumps up*

I also agree tangomike that starting up some form of exercise will really help.

When I was younger I drifted from one social group to the next, feeling like I'd made some good friends for a couple of years but then it just seemed to go wrong so I'd move on again. I'm still far from perfect but nowadays I make myself put less emphasis on trying to make forever friends and just take friendships as they come. It makes me a lot less stressed and because of that, I'm a lot more relaxed with people. I find it also helps if you make friends with people who are quirky themselves and who appreciate the parts of you that make you different; a lot of people like others who are eccentric and once you are comfortable with them if you explain about your autism and what it means, I'm sure they'll understand and maybe won't even think it's a big deal.

What helps me is to realise that there are days when I'm going to feel good about myself and days when I'm just going to feel crap, but the crap days don't last forever and life WILL get better.