Unexpectedly friendly peers, when outside the main group

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Has anyone else ever observed this strange phenomenon? You run into a person from your regular group (which for this discussion I'll say is a classmate) unexpectedly, like at a distant specialty store or a restaurant. Now thanks to an Aspie Bug bite from a long time ago, you do not consider this person your friend -- they're usually sassy to you or they ignore you at best. Yet, once they recognize you outside the school, and away from the associated peer group with it, they are uncharacteristically chummy and chatty with you!

I was first caught off-guard by this peculiar dynamic when attending an informal wedding reception (somehow the reception only, not the ceremony, still not sure what was going on), and I ran into a classmate that had left at the end of the last school year (3rd grade). This guy was, shall we put it, mildly unfriendly to me for the most part while in school. Imagine my surprise at his not wanting to stop his friendly chatting! It was like I saw a whole 'nother side of him.

Actually, the first time I observed it was when I ran into my kindergarten nemesis at McDonald's -- suddenly our only bone of contention was who had the longer french fries! Again note the distance factor: this McDonald's was some 11 miles out of town. Hard to believe there was a time you had to travel that far to get to one in a well-populated section of New Jersey.

I have two personal metaphors to describe this phenomenon:

Metaphor 1. Ionic bonds in chemistry. Remember from high school chemistry, how Sodium (Na) and Chlorine (Cl) are both poisonous. Yet if you mix the two togeter, chlorine atoms give up an electron while sodium takes it. Voila! You now have Sodium Chloride (NaCl). That's plain old table salt, which is NOT poisonous, certain nutritionists claims notwithstanding.

The opposite of this is true in social situations. When Sondra and Chloe are together, they are compelled in their bones to give you the maximum hard time possible. But if you meet Sondra alone one day in the grocery checkout, she's nice to you and even buys you a peppermint candy. And if you meet Chloe at the dry cleaners, she's friendly and even helps you with those impossible plastic bags.

Metaphor 2. A vegetable steamer insert.
No, that was not a typo. Ever see or use one of those metal or plastic steamers that you insert into a large pot and place the veggies on (so they don't sit in the boiling water). Notice how the whole thing fans in and out all at once.
(See http://www.kitchenniche.ca/popup_image.php?pID=1041 for an example)
Somehow, the collective behavior of the steamer leaves reminds me of the herd mentality dominant in many groups.

The connection is like this: Say there's a clique of 4 guys: Jack, James, Johnny, and Joe

In school, the four of them are constantly picking on you and hassling you. What's more, they have enough clout to get half the school to do the same.

One day you meet Jack in line at an amusement park 40 miles out of town (you're both on family trips). You split a bag of popcorn.

One day you run into James while attending another church. He's friendly; in fact the two of you are whispering so loud, the pastor gives an "ahem" warning during his sermon.

One day you meet Johnny in the mall across the state line. You beat him 2 games out of 3 in Pac-Man.

And one day you meet Joe at a large discount store in another town. You're both kicked out by a store manager for playing chicken with shopping carts (trolleys in the UK).

Yet between each of these occasions, the four of them are just as rotten to you as always, in school. It's as though each of them is going along with "the crowd", yet somehow this "crowd" only has it in for you collectively, not individually. Can anybody explain that, NT or otherwise?

Sure - it's simple, really.

In any given situation people will try to create the best possible situation.

They will look for the best possible people to talk to.

In school, they will talk to their friends, or the people that give them power.

In a resteraunt or foreign place where they do not know anyone, but they know you,
they will go for what is familiar - you are now the best thing in the environment.

Plus, there's no jockeying for power and status if the 2 of you are alone, the other guy doesn't have to
prove himself to a group .

It's all about the environment.

Kate

I understand that, but there are two points that still don't quite add up:

1. The above only makes sense if the NT in question suffered a Category 2 Aspie Bug bite, in which they normally ignore the person. (See my post on the subject at http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... ic&t=14048)
Yet this phenomenon has been known to happen even with Category 3 bite victims, though probably not if the person was regularly physically abusive in the usual school/group environment. It's like they're a different person.

2. Let's look at our 4 J-friends again. A fella by the name of Bond, James Bond, secretly meets each one after they're friendly to the AspieGuy.

Bond: (appearing behind the "Guess Your Weight" stand at the amusement park) "Why were so nice to AspieGuy there? You give him untold trouble at school."
Jack: "Oh, come on. At school I gotta go along with the crowd."

Bond: (dressed as a church deacon) "Why were so nice to AspieGuy there? Last week at school you humiliated him so much when you..."
James: "SHHHH! Not in church! I have to go along with my friends at school or they'll laugh at me.

Bond: (standing behind a Sunglass Hut kiosk in the mall) "Why are you being so nice to AspieGuy? Just the other day at school you wouldn't stop tormenting him."
Johnny: "But that was in school, where I have to do what my friends do, or else."

Bond: (while pushing a train of shopping carts from the parking lot in through that little door) "How come you were being so chummy with AspieGuy? Last week at school you were practically torturing him."
Joe: "Because Johnny, James, and Jack were doing it, too. They're my best friends; what kind of friend would I be if I didn't go along with them?"

So there you have it. Each of the four J-guys are tormenting this poor Aspie because for no other reason than that their friends are -- and each of their "friends" are doing so for the same reason. Yet individually, no real animosity seems to exist. They are all somehow "controlled" at once, hence my vegetable steamer analogy, or that chemical ionic (pardon the pun reference) bond. Of course, how that poisonous cycle gets started in the first place is a subject for a different thread.

I'm sure there's some sort of instinctual dominance at play--they put you down at school to look better to potential mates. Doesn't mean they necissarily hate you, just that they're horny

There could be an element of aspieness to his behaviour that he recognises in himself and also sees in you. He also sees you get picked on so goes along with it to protect himself from suspicion. But away from that he feels free to express his true self?

It's similar to how boys will make fun of 'gay' people in the group and wont speak out for fear of being labelled as homosexual. Yet outside of that group by themselves they will probably not care less whether someone is gay or not, except for a few true homophobics.

Thats just a possible theory at least