Having Children

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As a recently diagnosed woman with Asperger's Syndrome (in adulthood, at the age of 25), I am thinking about what it would mean for me to have children. Does anyone with AS have a child with the diagnosis? How do you feel about that knowing what their perception of the world, and of themselves, might be? I'd appreciate any tips on what it's like for Aspies to parent AS/NT children.

hey

im 23, female and no kids

im not diagnosed but have been concerned that if i do, im afraid it will make up my mind about having kids

i have worked with kids with classic autism, down syndrome and aspergers, but in a childcare facility/daycare, not living with them

just jumping in to see what's said

There's been discussions like this before. Some like having a child that they can understand the perspective of better, some would not even want to have children because their chances are higher of bringing up someone with autism.

I was diagnosed with AS and i have a young child with severe autism. It really depends on how you look at it. For me, it is a (can be) a blessing in disguise because the child is more loving and more innocent in the world than a NT child.

However, you have to have tough skin because people will crucify you for being different and having a child thats different. I've had a lot of dirty looks and people (random strangers) shout out negative criticisms at me about my child because he is not "normal" and behaves differently (like in grocery stores, etc..) and he does have random tamptrums and certain things make it really difficult. Most people are ignorant to autism and I don't think there's enough awareness yet unfortunately. Its really hard.

I never knew about having as when my wife got pregnant. Neither did she.
I am with hindsight very happy for not knowing then and having to make a concious decision on the matter.
I am a proud dad from a lovely son.
He is healthy and has some (minor adhd) traits but he manages to have friendships and is even quite popular at his school.
Like everybody, you never really know how much your life changes when you have a child.
I think that forseeïng how big the changes in your your life wil be extra difficult is for people with as.
That is the part where I ran into trouble in my relationship.
The responsibility causes more stress, and I cope very badly with stress.
Still, I don't regret having a child at all.

I never thought of autism throughout my life until my toddler started showing symptoms at twelve months. He is likely a mild case, and has been monitored for over a year now. As for me, I thought I was a reserved and shy person all my life. More I read into autism, more I find answers about my life. I don't think I need to get diagnosed. I am aware of my behaviors now. But plans for a second child are now gone. I don't think we can handle another "minime" which has a probability of being severe.

I don't have kids but there's a lot of "encouragement" for me to have them. Though I think the chances of having a child with autism are higher because of my age (and genetically, few people are NT in my family), my main concern is what kind of mother I would be. I'm extremely self absorbed and get tired very easily from noise and activity going on around me. I think everyone already knows my husband will be more the mother. I don't know what to do. It's a major issue in my life.

OP, you are so young right now. If I had known the things I know now, maybe I could have worked things out differently. The way I am just doesn't feel conducive to having kids. It's wise that you're thinking of this already.

you i was down the dog prk park and met nice boy (12 ish?) who had pretty obvious autism traits. he was a toe walker and hand flapper and did alot of repeating and stuttering. he was obviously different.

and you know what? he was beautiful

very gentle with my very small dogs, even my nervous dog gave him a lick on the fingers. he sat himself down on the bench next to me and OH and talked about the dogs and how small they were and how fats they were. he renamed them for me a couple of times

Aspie here with an NT wife. First child that was adopted out by all reports is NT. Second and third that we kept are both on the spectrum. #2 is very high functioning, in a charter school that lets her work way ahead of her grade level in areas she's good with. #3 is certainly further towards autism on the spectrum, but really yet to be determined where, micro-deletion of one of her chromosomes, (both parents tested, was not passed down genetically from from us.) heart defect, open heart surgery at 2 months, growth delay, developmental delay, and whole lot of speech issues.

My wife has had a hard time with it. It's been an issue because I'd like another child, but our two can be more than she can handle at times. For NT's there are things that they don't understand about us. For example, my youngest daughter used to scream out in pain when having her fingernails cut. It just made my wife mad because she couldn't understand. I told her about how when I was a child I did the same thing. I told her how much it hurt when my mother cut my fingernails at that age, that I would scream out in pain as if I was getting stabbed with a knife. She even talked with my mother for confirmation. I know that fingernails don't really feel pain, but the sensory overload from the pressure of the clipper combined with the sound really truly did cause me pain, and that to me the pain was just as real as any other pain. It took a long time for my wife to understand, when I understood it right away. So when things like this happen, my wife will instinctively responds negatively which makes the issues worse.

There are countless other things that my wife instinctively wants to punish them for or get angry about. A lot of the time it's just stimming issues, but some of it has to be dealt with to prevent a habit of self harm. I have to get my wife to let some of the harmless stimming happen, but when you see a cute 4ry old girl start hitting herself or running into things repeatedly just for sensations, the NT's freak out. I recognize it and she's not really hurting herself (yet). I can work with her and help her redirect the energy into constructive activities or sometimes just safer stims. But my my wife does not automatically understand it so it can be difficult for her to help.

Having AS I'd worry more about having NT kids. I see how my wife just doesn't understand at times, and I could see that if the tables were turned and our children were NT I'd be the one who would not understand. But we work together, so as much as I have to help her with our little aspies, I know she'd help me out the same way if we had NT's, and things would work out OK.

Yes, I have a six year old son. He and his mother are both NTs. I will not lie to you, it was very hard for me to have a child. During my wife's pregnancy, I started having really bad panic attack and, because she had preeclampsia, we were in and out of the hospital --- very, very stressful. My son is very touchy feally, so that can be difficult for me, but I try to be the best version of me that I can be around my wife and him. He is already into fantasy like his mother and that hold absolutely no interest for me, so sometime it is hard to relate. He has already told my wife that when he asks Daddy a question, his answer are too long.

We have explained to him that I have AS and he understand some or as much as a six year old can. But he is a wonderful boy who I think will grow up to be a very bright, considerate man. However, he screws with my schedules and rituals, talks to me while I am intent on other things, like games which I hate, always want to have contact physically with me, i.e., hugs, sitting on my lap while I read to him, sometimes sleeping in the bed with me and my wife.

I do not regret that we have him, but it is very challenging for me to have a child. I love him dearly.

Last edited by billybud21 on 07 Nov 2010, 4:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I like your honesty. People go on and on about how it's the most wonderful thing, etc. Which I am sure it is. I love my niece and nephew so much but they're exhausting and taking care of them has at times caused my sister a great deal of stress. I know I'm going to need a lot of help.

I would be fine with having a child who's ASD is similar to mine. I'd even be completely fine with having an NT child, since to be honest I don't really have problems with relating to NTs. The one thing I'm worried about is having a child with severe autism. I don't think I could take it knowing that they would never be seen as normal in the world, and would have barely any chance of living the same sort of life NTs and some high functioning autistics do. Plus all the tantrums and strange habits and rituals would just stress me out. I'm sort of like an NT in that I just get really disturbed by the actions of some people with ASD.

I don't want to have kids but, if I had no choice, I wouldn't feel bad for "giving" a child Asperger's. It's not fun all the time but I think Aspie traits are beneficial to society.

I don't think I could deal with having a kid on the lower end of the spectrum though. I teach an autistic kid now and it's extremely stressful and tiring for me...and that's only an hour a week.

You shouldn't feel bad. We would have got along just fine if my son had been an aspie like me. Now, his mother is a mathematician, so don't get the idea that she isn't a little odd.

Yes, aspie traits can be beneficial to society.
Many great scientists were aspies.
We dont have highly developed ego, but i learned that in order to save my dignity in eyes of NTs and not to be taken advantage of I need to keep to the quid pro quo principle. So why would I give a child to the society, only to be unhappy in it and used by it ? What society gives to us ?

This is the main reason I don't want to have kids. I have too many emotional, sensory and OCD-type issues where I feel I would be a bad parent. I wouldn't wanna do that to a kid.