Confusing discussion with my parents

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My parents and I are currently having a disagreement. I am a 20-year-old college student who pays for her own apartment but stops home on the weekends. I think that I should be allowed the freedom to stay overnight at my boyfriend's house if I desire to do so. My parents, on the other hand, feel that this is improper. When I asked them why I have to govern my actions by their sense of propriety, they replied that I should make my decisions based on what would or wouldn't be offensive to them, or hurt their feelings, or bother them. And they said that this is because there is an obligation that I have to my parents, and if I don't feel that sense of obligation towards them, that they shouldn't be beholden to me at all in return. That argument didn't really work for me because I'm trying to cease any reliance I have on my parents anyway, so I would be fine with them not feeling obligated to help me out.

My father got increasingly frustrated during the discussion due to my desire to quantify everything. I told him that obviously I was indebted to them because of all the time and money that they put into raising me, but he said that I wasn't understanding the nature of the obligation. The best way that he could explain it to me is that my disobedience of their mandates hurts their feelings, and I have an obligation to consider my parents feelings.

I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I also don't want to spend my life tip-toeing around my parents and their ideas of what is socially acceptable and what is not. They have threatened to go over my head and call my boyfriend's parents if I try to stay the night there again. I find this embarrassing and out of line because that is something that parents do for young children.

Is there some component I'm missing as to why I shouldn't be staying at my boyfriend's house? How do I reason with my parents without alienating them?

It's because they don't like the fact that their daughter has grown up... In fact I really don't think anyones parents wants to know their children are having sex. I'd do it anyways but just not tell them, some thing are meant to be private from your parents.

The worst part is, my boyfriend and I don't even have sex. My parents know this. Yet they still find the simple act of staying over at his house to be improper. And I can't really be sneaky about it, because when I'm home for the weekends they wait up for me to come home to make sure that I'm not staying over at his house. I agree with you about them not liking the fact that I'm growing up. I'm the oldest so I'm pretty sure that they have only a limited idea about how to interact with me as an adult, with their only points of comparison being their interactions with their own parents over a quarter of a century ago.

You are 20 years old. Your parents are out of line by saying they will call your boyfriend's parents. They have no business medaling in your relationship affairs as if you were a child.

A child should consider their parents wishes, and occasionally one might choose to respect them, but you aren't obligated to and your parents are going to have to eventually come to terms with the fact that you are an adult and well within your right to disagree with them.

You're an adult now. It's not your parent's business if you stay over at your boyfriends'. They can give you their advice but by this age you are not obligated to follow it. At this age if they expect you to take their advice into consideration they're going to have to offer more reasons to follow it than "because I said so". Arguing the semantics of this with them will get you nowhere, though. Allow them to say what they want to say, and then tell them that you understand their views but you disagree and are going to make your own decision on it, and end the conversation. If they continue to harass you about it, don't stay over on the weekend. And don't worry about them calling your boyfriend's parents... it's highly unlikely they're as overprotective as yours are and they will just embarrass themselves. Frankly, I would tell them less about your personal life if they're going to be this invasive and just distance yourself until they decide to respect your decisions. I don't think parents ever stop thinking they have a right to tell you what to do with your life but they may learn to stop actively interfering in time, if you don't play along.

You should spend the night with your boyfriend, anyways. You're old enough to make your own decisions. It's not the 1940s anymore.