Distinguishing Between Teenage Angst & Aspergers

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My 15 y/o w/Aspergers has been testing limits and flat out lying. Recently, he broke a major house rule which put his little sister (7 y/o) in grave danger. Yet he doesn't seem to be able to understand that his actions could have severely hurt her (I'll save you the details). All he seemed to care about is his punishment and what he doesn't get as a result. No remorse and no connection between the act and the near ER visit w/his little sister. It doesn't seem to see the two are connected. He just sees he got caught and is upset that he's in trouble.

My son knows right from wrong but it's very factual or black/white. Gray areas are hard for him to understand. Yet he has started to sneak around and steal small items for his purpose. I am now having a difficult time distinguishing from teenage angst (or crap as I call it!) and Aspergers. He seems to have this, "the world owes me" attitude. Will he ever learn from his mistakes?

No offense meant, but there are a lot of teenagers in the same rut. The world owes them... It's always such a jolt for them when they realize that the world doesn't own them a darned thing. (I can talk, I was the same way, and I see it daily on the college campus where I work. I actually had a student complain to me once that her instructor failed her when she didn't pass her final exam. She said "Well, I tried really hard, so I should get credit for effort." As if. And then there was the one who thought that just by showing up they should pass, having contributed nothing to the class at all. The assignments were "boring." Oy.)

Sorry again but it might be that he really doesn't care - maybe he sees the connection but it has no value to him? It's not out of the question. (I am assuming the consequences are logical ones.)

Good luck. Really. It's a tough row to hoe. You'll only know in hindsight, I think.

I wouldn't consider any of those behaviors as directly related to AS. As for the apparent lack of remorse, we're not very good at expressing deeper emotions and even if you don't see much reaction on the surface, there may be a lot of guilt that he's simply unwilling to face and/or express to you.

Personally, I have always hated others even touching my own things, so stealing just seemed such a scuzzy thing to do I never considered it. Lying typically doesn't seem to come naturally to Aspies. Not that they're incapable of doing it, just that it takes a lot of effort to keep track of once you start, so life is just less complicated if you don't. Telling tall tales as a put on, maybe, but I doubt there are many Aspie con artists, that takes brain skills we don't usually have. I will say, though, that the tendency to keep things private that might cause us to be judged or ridiculed can lead to intentional deception. I will lie to someone in a heartbeat if they are prying into things I feel are none of their business.

I am so concerned because my little girl came close to a fatal reaction due to his breaking a house rule. He knew it was wrong. Here's the story:

My youngest daughter, 7 y/o has multiple life threatening allergies, some to different foods, to the point where she's been hospitalized for touching it not even digesting it. We have a strict no peanut/tree nut rule in our home. That said, I have always supplied alternatives to it, going as far as importing safe candies and food products from Canada. A few weeks ago my daughter was complaining she couldn't breath. I wasn't sure what was happening as our home has always been safe. She kept complaining about it for days then over a week. In addition, she had unexplained stomach and headaches to go with it. For those that don't know, these are all symptoms of a life threatening reaction but considering she wasn't exposed to any allergen (to my knowledge then) it didn't add up.

Then I found that my son had been sneaking peanut butter candies that week in his room. I found it stuck on our floorboards, furniture etc. Chunks of it all over his room which he tracked all over the house. It took me an entire weekend + professional cleaning to decontaminate my home. My dd finally pulled through and since then has no symptoms. That said, my Asperger son put her in a dangerous situation that could have resulted in her death. My son knows this and we've educated our kids since my daughter's diagnosis. He was there when she had another severe reaction where we had to call 911 and Epipen her and ride the ambulance to the ER. He knows how serious it was yet he put her in that situation.

To me he just doesn't seem to care. This scares me. He could have killed her. What if it escalates? What is she did die? What if this was someone else's child he exposed to a fatal allergen? What would happen to him? If he doesn't feel he did anything wrong, what does his future hold for him? All these questions run through my mind and I can't seem to help him. I seriously think he truly doesn't care that he did it. He just cares he got caught. This is, by the way, the second time this happen but the first time it physically affected my severely allergic daughter.

I think with any teen, Asperger's or not, it's so important to be clear and consistent with the rules and consequences and STICK TO THEM. If we as parents don't deliver the consequences we've laid down, then what impetus is there to stick to the rules? One would hope our kids would think of the safety consequences to their siblings first, but...I remember my own impulsivity and, well, self-absorption as a teen and I'm constantly reminding my 14-yr old daughter "you know, sweetie, the entire world doesn't revolve around you!"

So rules and consequences, firm but fair.

Agreed. It's uncharacteristic for an aspie to go behind your back; usually aspies will choose to confront you directly.

This case sounds more like typical teen behavior. Most teens will break rules if they think they can get away with it without being found out; they think rules are only for when the parents are watching. In this case, he probably thought he could get away with it, especially since he'd done it once before and it hadn't affected the allergic daughter that earlier time.

Also, it's quite characteristically teen to think that no one cares about them, and for them not to care about anyone else in return. He probably also thinks the shortness of breath and such were minor symptoms; taking him to his sister's doctor and letting the doctor explain how serious the situation was might help.

I don't think your son is fully connecting the danger. While it is possible he is just not showing all his emotions on it, I think this sort of thing is actually really difficult for AS children. Given that your daughter didn't end up in the emergency room, he doesn't see what the big deal was. It's like he just assumes safety nets are always there. Or doesn't think about it at all. Hard to say for sure, but I know what my son would be vocalizing: "nothing happened! Everyone is fine! Get over it already!"

Even if she had gone to the emergency room, he probably would have trouble connecting that it was his fault. To him, after all, his crime was no more than wanting to enjoy some candy, like the rest of the world.

Teens have a terrible time with cause and effect, and to them life is this invincible thing. Danger is still not real, unless they've been on the receiving end and actually felt the fear (which half the time they still obliviously don't). Add the layer of AS, and I think it just doesn't really sink in. Just because a child knows something well enough to repeat it, does not mean he knows it well enough to integrate it.

So, you enforce the consequences, explain the connection in a dozen ways and a dozen times, and cross your fingers that he'll learn it. Don't assume he's headed down some horrible road just because he doesn't get it today. Be more stubborn than his inability to absorb.

As for the stealing, I'm curious what he is stealing, and what clues might be found about it that way. I can think of numerous reasons kids might go through that phase, and to resolve it I think you have to understand the cause.