FUN, BUT TRUE, CONFESSIONS

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Here's two good ones about me. They are true. I guess we are supposed to go overboard in taking things literally. When I was in elementary school, the teacher gave a math test in which she asked us what a "yard" was. I wrote that it was hard to tell, because some people had big yards, and others had small yards, and there were back yards, front yards, and side yards, and even houses that had no yards. I was serious. Needless to say, she gave me her whole nine yards after she read my paper.

Another time, some classmates were complaining that we had lost in Vietnam because the other side had used guerillas, and that that was somehow unfair and underhanded. Well, I literally went about trying to figure out how the enemy actually had trained gorillas to fight humans in a war, and how had they captured all those gorillas in Vietnam. When I learned the truth, I pretended that I had just been joking.

Puts me in mind of Groucho--"Outside of a dog, a good watch or clock is usually a man's best friend. And inside a dog, it's usually too dark to tell the time."

What are your true stories that are laughable?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnQ_gIfgsnA[/youtube]

I was a real piece of work in Grade 3 and I was getting back at the teacher's aide, for the way that she treated me with the whole bathroom thing. Every time that she told me to do something in the classroom, I did the opposite. I was also calling her names like Wayne Gretzky, Dollar Nestman and Nestman Quarter.

as a youth i was so easily fooled, that a fellow worker convinced me that the empire state building was originally constructed upside down, with the lobby on the top floor and the penthouse in the basement.

When I was in 6th grade, I was told about a singer by these kids from my class. So I looked it up on the internet one time and I didn't get very good web pages. The teacher saw it and told me all those were inappropriate. I said I was looking up the singer and how I was told about him. I was still told to get off the computer so I did and I had no idea what happened. Then the next day the girl who started the whole thing apologized to me because the teacher made her. Mom had to explain what the term meant.

It was all a joke the kids did to me by saying it was a singer and I believed them.


When I was in 5th grade, I get on the bus after school and the bus was full. So I a trying to find a place to sit and no one would offer me a spot. The bus driver gets impatient with me telling me to sit down. Then finally I go "okay" and sit down in the aisle. Kids laugh and the bus driver says "Not in the aisle, in the seat." I knew she meant in the seat but I was being a smart ass because I hated how she was being impatient and not helping me get a spot by telling a kid to move over. Kids actually thought I was that stupid so I was given a hard time about it when I got off the bus at my bus stop. I didn't care.

I was drunk one time watching a UFC pay-per-view with a group of... heh, 'friends'. So I asked the guy whose house it was if I could have a beer. He didn't hear me because at that moment everyone yelled because something exciting had just happened during the fight. I got his attention and motioned like I was taking a swig from a bottle of beer. He started laughing and repeated the motion for everyone and they started laughing, too. I was confused and asked what was so funny about swigging a beer. He said 'ooooh was that what you meant? because it looked like you were making a blowjob motion.' I'm still confused by that and pissed that they laughed at me. But ehhh when I look at it from their viewpoint, it must have looked like that.

I was working in Melbourne around the time of the famous Melbourne Cup horserace. It's a big holiday and people usually get the day off work. Several girls in my office were discussing plans and this chick (who was a b***h) said, "We were thinking about having a Cup lunch...." dadada. I was confused and asked, "Is that where you have your lunch out of a cup?" (I was thinking Cup-a-Soup s**t... I know, whatev). So this chick, who was actually quite jealous of me cos she was so fat and ugly, mercilessly told this story to a bunch of people including the office spunk. Needless to say, she seemed delighted with the chance to embarrasss the s**t out of me.

I used to think Cleopatra was named for my grandfather's cat.

I always had trouble with phrases like "put your best foot forward" and "bite the dust." I think I understood what people were trying to communicate when they were saying these things, I just didn't understand why they chose these words. I like both my feet - how am I supposed to choose? and what dust are they biting exactly? Those are questions I used to ask myself all the time. My family was really religious so I had to go to church all the time. The preacher would always say the thing about "an eye for an eye." I never got that. I get where it comes from now I guess, but I think it's a stupid phrase.

When I was a kid, I was told that we were going to have a "white night" , it means sleepless night in my language. I was disappointed at midnight when the night did not become white. And I still picture midnight as a white thing because of that.

I used to think that beaches only existed in Hawaii...

When I was very little I didn't like pepper, or thought I didn't. I really had no idea what pepper was. I just knew I didn't like it.

So one day my uncle told me that the pepper on my scrambled eggs wasn't really pepper, it was "black salt", and of course I believed him, which made it ok to eat it.

I was in my 20's before I learned that there was no such thing as black salt.

Did not know what "birthday suit" meant until about a year ago. Oops.

I always pictured a colorful clown suit, even though I figured that that didn't make much sense. Still thought of it that way anyway.

I was in elementary school in the 80's. In second grade, I used to ask all the students with dark complexions, if they could moon walk.

A couple - when I was about 10 my youngest brother developed Hepatitis A, when I came home from school my mother went over some of the care we would have to take in order not to contract it ourselves like handwashing with an antibacterial soap and she told us that if we didn't abide by the measures taken we "might have to move to Timbuktu". I didn't realize that for her this just meant they might have to quarantine or isolate us. I started getting ready to pack my stuff and told all my friends at school that afternoon that we might move to Timbuktu. There were several things she would say that as I grew older I realized I had taken literally and she had not meant them that way.
A recent one was finding out that "old school" wasn't an old building used for education. That was embarassing.