An NT guy in love with an Aspie guy *please help*

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Hi, I hope you are all well.. I'm Nico and I'm a NT, just discovered and registered here few minutes back. More importantly I'm in love with and somewhat courting an aspie for months now and I need help. Please. It could just get really depressing and frustrating to not know if i'm getting through; to not know if its over, if he changed his mind and if he really means what he say. Often I feel ignored and abandoned like right now when he wished for me to have the courage to go after him. He said he likes me, he asked me if do i think he will never come true (like a dream) kinda saying he will, and he keeps telling me to give him more time. And often I feel like he doesn't care and/or like he's not there anymore. I'm really happy when I talk to him, but lately that's very rare. Often I feel like giving up but something inside me is telling me not to. I don't know, just please someone help.. I don't know anyone I could talk to about this.. please..

Last edited by NcNbl on 09 Nov 2010, 7:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sex and relationships are very difficult for people with Aspergers. My best advice is to be very direct about your feelings and expectations. If he's hurting your feelings, and you aren't telling him that, he may not know. Being in a relationship with an Aspie means both helping him to understand your needs and helping him figure out how to meet them. He also may have fears about intimacy that wouldn't occur to you. Ask.

I'm gay, divorced, autistic-- if you have specific questions, I'll try to help.

hey thank you for responding Vector.. how are you? well.. that's what I last did. Told him I got hurt and I'm scared that it might push him away, i also told him that. I don't want him to think I'm needy or clingy. Uhm but would he get offended if I studied about AS to understand him more, and do stuffs like these?

Actually, its just recently that I started to read a lot about it from all around. I don't want him to feel like a case to study of some sort. But I also feel stupid that i didn't do this earlier, quite insensitive of me.. When I kinda had a grasp how AS is like, i appreciate him even more.

Last edited by NcNbl on 09 Nov 2010, 7:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm fine, thanks. I have an NT boyfriend who is very patient.

I think you should ask how he feels about you learning about AS. I recommend two tiny books-- "Dude, I'm an Aspie", which you can read in its entirety online, and "All Cats Have Aspergers," which you can read in the bookstore. And, remember that autism presents itself differently in almost every case, so, no matter what you learn, don't make the mistake of thinking he's just like any particular description you read.

I am a gay Aspergian as well and I counsel for a living.

Be as patient as possible, but tell him clearly what your expectations are while you are waiting for him; tell him exactly what feelings you have for him. Also suggest to him what he could do that would make you feel a little happier and more secure, but make sure that he does not feel like they are rigid requirements.

If he seems distant and even irritable, merely ask if he wants some time alone or if he prefers that you stay around. When he seems like he needs time to himself, he may actually want some emotional support. If he does want to be alone, make it clear that you are perfectly okay with that.

Overall, just make all of your feelings and intentions clear. He has at least a little difficulty understanding your feelings and motivations, and some Aspergians have a LOT of difficulty with it. He has trouble reading subtle hints, so be direct. If you care about him, tell him. If you love him, tell him. If you want him to do something nice, make a suggestion. Just be sure to let him have time alone and never cause him to feel that you pushing him; he must follow his own prescribed way of doing things and he will get upset if he feels like you are turning his routines upside-down.

So, it takes patience and commitment, but it can work. I have just recently started dating an NT guy (in fact, our commitment to the relationship officially began yesterday) and I am trying, on my end, to be as clear as possible as well. As him what he wants and if he does care for you, he will tell you.

Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 09 Nov 2010, 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

oh, good for you.. wish you both happy and lasting luck..
wait! cats has aspergers??? i always loved cats and how they are (i know i sound stupid) that was our very first common interest and how i got his attention. and yeah, i've read quite a lot already, not everything applies to everybody, and different degrees or something like that..

this is so cool of you.. i'm gonna hack those books out now lol! you're golden vector.. thanks for realzz..

hey dyingofpoetry! thanks and awwww you guys have your guys and i'm such a loser.. congrats and best of luck with that.
i know, that's why i always hesitate to tell him i got hurt and what i want, i really don't want to cause him stress.. i'll try to be more direct and exact, specific or any else of those sort with how i feel about him, but not with my wants.. he's my first experience with AS so i'm super stupid with it.. Oh and this is how i speak, could he understand this, is it stressful? cuz i think i always kinda shock him.. but hey when he compliments me and say he likes me does he mean it? but i no longer know if he still does.. what's the best way i could convey my feelings for him?

Last edited by NcNbl on 09 Nov 2010, 7:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There is a book to help understand people with Aspergers which is How to Be Yourself in a World That's Different by Yuko Yoshida

I have NOT been diagnosed with AS, but I am discovering more and more that I have most of he traits of it in one form or another! I might be SOMEwhere on the Spectrum!

I do not desire to be in a relationship with a guy, but what drew me to this thread was the fact that it's about the difficulties of a relationship!

Where you said, "Often I feel ignored and abandoned...," you described the way people often feel dealing with me whether it's a woman who's trying to flirt with me or sometimes a friend who wonders why I seem so distant in a social situation.

I'll describe a little about myself and let's see if it matches up with your desire SO's traits.

I once made the statement that a relationship has little meaning for me. Coming home to somebody would be stressful since I value solitude SO MUCH. I said that after working with people ALL DAY, I could go home, eat, and get on the computer to LOSE myself in some research or project that I enjoy working on. For instance, I will soon get back into creating more material to post on my website.

A woman would eventually get tired of me being preoccupied with that to the point where she will either go off on me or just LEAVE. And her leaving will make me NO NEVERMIND WHATSOEVER as LONG as I can continue to indulge whatEVER it is that has my attention.

I made this statement probably A DECADE BEFORE discovering Asperger's Syndrome and ASDs/PDD-NOS in general. Making this statement to a bunch of women at work MIGHT NOT have been the wisest choice, but it is THE TRUTH! Trying to be in a relationship with ME would be a LIVING HELL for the other person because many times, people tell me that I don't seem to be emotionally involved or available - blank, withdrawn, closed off, COMPLETELY introverted.

If that is what you're willing to LIVE WITH in another person, then POWER TO YOU! But you should PROBABLY consider the what it will mean on a DAY-TO-DAY basis

A better way to describe the feeling is to say that I begin to feel crowded by the other person's company (friend or otherwise) and what they're doing and their activities that they want me to engage in so I push back and retreat to a safe place ALONE. Otherwise I start to become a bit tired and spacy seeming to lack focus on what's going on according to the other person. Or I might become irritable, edgy

Whatever the case may be, time ALONE is what seems to WORK! Although it seems to piss OTHER people OFF!

Thanks Potty245! So much reading but I am eager to read em but I don't even know if the guy i'm waiting for is still coming..

Hey Surreal! Thanks.. Well, I'm quite an active even handful kind of guy, with all the energy and humor.. And I think he likes that, but I'm never sure. I love making him laugh it feels like such an achievement. and this..

I understand how you could feel this and i don't want you feeling this and thinking this about yourselves. Being with another NT could just very much be the same hell or different and worse. And I don't want you or him to feel like people gave up on you. I don't know.. I just need the chance to show all these.

But does he get romantic gestures or efforts? because those can sometimes be not so direct.. romance could be presented in a very abstract manner but could he get those? whats the best way i could make him feel loved and appreciated? i don't even need that to be reciprocated all i need is to feel that he's still there.. hey but could he possibly get offended if i tell him i've been studying AS? cuz i already sent him a mail. I'm so scared to go wrong, i just wanna learn to do it right..

Hey--

I think a lot of your questions are addressed really well in this piece by Gavin Bollard for his blog Life with Aspergers:

Are Aspies Capable of Love?

It's the best thing on the topic I've read.

lol thanks vector! and yet another book.. hehe.. i hope i'm not annoying the hell out of you guys.. cuz i feel like i could get annoying at some point; getting too much of me..

i've always loved psychology and psychiatry, and i'm considering to become a doctor too someday.. yesterday, after praying for more patience and strength, and for the chance; then talking to a priest and nun to get my head straight with my career choice, innate gifts and passion vs. my present situation. it kinda made me think i wanna be a doctor or counselor specializing on AS and relationships; being in love with an aspie. but that's too dreamy, i don't even have my aspie..

hey but thanks guys, i'm really glad with my decision to do this and i really appreciate that you let me bother you this way.. hehe..

Hope it all works out for you!

aww thank you.. i do hope so..

i think he could understand romantic gestures , why not? as long as they are not too weird....too abstract, as you said. presents are awkward though for most people on the spectrum,i can tell you my experience with presents; '"Oh noes. a present. Smile, woman, smile! oh god if it's totally crap i'm going to mess up this relationship by making the fakest sounds of gratitude ever. "
then, i'm so stressed that even if i genuinely LIKE the present, i end up having to fake the smile because i resent the person for making me go through such stress lol....give anything you want to give unwrapped. better.