well...a good title would have to be RAGE...

Post Reply New Topic

On wednesday I went to school, like every other day. We were having final exams (I enjoy them because there is no room for stupid teenage bs) and I was on studyhall between the 2 that day. I am in my food class trying to relax before my last exam when somebody throws a tennis ball at my back. I see theese people behind me at the back of the room laughing. I run over and pick up a chair over my head. I than scream "If you ever throw anything at me again, I'll f***ing kill you!" The teacher than turns around and yells at me to leave. I declined her command and begin walking around the class muttering about burning down the school. She again yells at me so I pick up a 100 pound desk and throw it at a wall and closet door ($150 in damage) and start walking for the door to the hallway. By now I had drawn attention from other classes and 2 teachers were outside the door. They began to tell me to calm down and go to the office so I asked them to suck my scrotem. Than my teacher follows me out and tells me to go to the office so I ask her to go to hell. I go to the office and tell the story to 3 vice principals, 2 Iredell scheriff's deputies, a school counciler, my father and a teacher who deals with my IEP. I got off light (because I made me the victum and my father threatined legal action)

Here is my Delema: I hate violence. I am not a violent person. In my life ive never even yelled at someone. I cant take it back or say sorry (too proud) but I feel this horrible guilt. Why is it that this happened? Im 16 years old and have been through more than anyone I know. How do I cope with the knowlege that I am this angry inside? I promised myself never to be mean or vile. I want to know how to fix it.

Every time you find yourself feeling guilty, ask yourself this question: would you rather have your classmates be afraid of you or hate you with a passion?

While I don't like violence either, I can't argue that something like that doesn't send some clear signals.

I think half the reason people are angry about the over reactions is because it means that you actually have some spirit left

I would apologize to the school for breaking things, under the assumption you do feel bad about that. And give a headgame apology to whoever threw the ball at you. "I'm sorry that you got to me like that."

Of course, if he was just being a goof rather then an ass, and he honestly sounds like he regrets it, then you can give him an apology.


Otherwise? He doesn't deserve it.


I think the real reason you feel guilty isn't because you made others feel bad, but you felt you wheren't true to yourself. I have no idea how to deal with that though. I think the best you can do is just to resolve to be better about it in the future.

Try to remain calm and collected, even when it seems like the whole world is out to destroy you. Makes it a lot harder for them to keep you down

I have some serious rage issues too (incidently, my name is also Andrew). I seem to always get taken by surprise by strong emotions like that. It just drives me crazy with some sort of destruction-lust possession. I try to get as far away from people as possible when I feel that coming on. Sigh, I don't have very good ways to vent this besides actually destroying something and therefore have a small arson problem.

One time I really got myself in trouble. About 14 months ago (or so) I lived next to these girls who used to be my friends (one of their boyfriends was my flatmate). I had been going through a LOT of tough sh*t that year and had only recently gotten out of the psychiatric ward (involuntary commitment... suicide-type stuff, you know the drill... not anything violent or "crazy"). Anyway, the girls nextdoor had a party and one of the guys from the little hick-villes outside of town was there. I was outside smoking a cigarette when he came down and (I'm not even sure if he knew I was there... I almost hope he didn't) started totally ripping on me, saying all sorts of nasty stuff. Well, I was in no mood to take this guy's crap so... I challenged him to a fight. Heh... not a good choice, considering I'm not a big guy and this chap was one of those meat-head types. I am not a good fighter because: a) I don't know any skills whatsoever b) I'm not exactly the strongest person you will ever meet and c) I am completely uncoordinated.

Anyway, after about the third, full-force blow directly to the face, I was KOed (can't believe it took that long, really). I don't think I was out long, but by the time I was up, he was gone and my hair was coated in so much blood you would have thought I was showering in it. Heh, ended up breaking my phone by bleeding all over it while calling 911. I got something like 12 stitches (really, should have been more, but it's a suck-hospital so I have some nice scars) and I had a broken nose (had to go into Philly to get that fixed... the doctors in this hole don't know your ass from your earlobe). On the up shot... they still use cocaine for facial surgery. The bad? Lost a lot of friends, looked like a Frankenstein for a few months, and had to pay for an ambulance (which, of course, I got double-charged for and am still fighting).

So... what is the moral of this story? It's simple: if you pick a fight with an idiot you will end up playing the fool. Stay out of trouble, friend.

Oh, yeah, almost forgot. Umm... I'm not really as deranged as I probably sound on this forum. I'm normally a very sweet, chill, friendly guy. I guess talking about AS just makes me think about all the other crazy crap that's happened to me. Sigh...

I think when I was in gradeschool and highschool dealing with that crap my biggest problem was that I wasn't psychologically living in the same world everyone else is. The experts were at least right about me when they said we don't have an inherent understanding of the human condition - I was definitely living in that pretty sheltered little world of church, god, well-maintained yards, cartoons on TV (at least when I was younger) and I think that drove me further out of touch with what's really going on in this world. Point being I think it takes really understanding that we're animals first people second, that human life really doesn't have any more value than most animals lives, and that people will mess with you just for the sake of it because thats just what animals to do eachother - whether its asserting dominance over the next or whatever. Without making this a question of religious reality I'd just say take that understanding of the world (ie.us primarily animals and instinct/emotion driven) and work your way out - thats when all of that crazy and stupid stuff seems to snap into context, maybe a good evolutionary psychology book would help you get a grasp on what it's all about.

Why do I mention all that? I personally needed to know that because I felt too bad about hurting someone else, even if they were hurting me. I had too much of a humanistic view where I didn't even understand that the animal part was there and that the rest was just a fascade that it manipulated to get what it really wanted and that the fascade and even morals are there just for interpersonal peacekeeping and keeping the system polished, running as smooth as it can considering, etc. When you can really see this world as a moldy rotting rock under a heatlamp and realize that we're just part of that mold, when you understand there's no real reason why your here, it's that much easier to, when someone hits you with a ball like that holding on to it for a while, messing with em, making em anxious, whipping em with it when they're not on guard, blowing em some prison-style kisses, and playing em back like that. Yeah, overt violence is bad because they won't get caught - you will. On the other hand I've had much fewer qualms with really saying a lot of things these days to people that would have broken my heart in the past, making them blush, because it all really comes down to agenda and if they're out to mess with you then you need to really feel it through your gut and every last part of you that not only should you not feel the least bit bad about getting em back but even have it pump you up and psyched in a way that makes you get the same thrill about it. Mind you of course you want to work on at least having enough people your cool with to where if isht went down and the thought crossed their minds to mess with you after school there'd at least be a handful of people there who had your back - making guy friends isn't too tough actually, all you've gotta do is be honorable, respectable, and having a sense of humor with things enough to show that your in the groove, can laugh at stuff, are like them, and yeah - showing that your mentally tough along side that not by acting like a cheeserod but just by making sure you stay the part. When you make the kinds of guy friends who are on the up-and-up for the most part and respect another guy who's a good person and doesn't make drama just to make drama you can learn lots from them too as well as the whole ropes of the act when your around people. Of course it sounds like your only 2 years away from being out of highschool and that would be a lot to fit in but I guess I'd just work on a) making sure your toughening yourself up inwardly b). working on having a cocky edge about yourself, and c). making sure you get your inward game lined up with that. I personally never would have believed that I could do it but then again it was really just a matter of perspective on reality that was still holding me back and as well feeling like my AS had too much control over me in the wrong ways, now while it's still tough at times I'm still in a place where I feel I can command a lot more respect out of people and even if I'm not an absolute pro at slap-boxing or anything I at least know the 'victimize me' nonverbals went away a long time agon and even if some rare person does get faked out by my AS and think they can come at me with disrespect I can usually shut em down pretty quick just by showing them that no, whoever the person was who they thought they were seeing isn't in here.

andrew......dude what you did was wrong and it was bad........
but if it is the worst thing you do in your life it will be a good thing....i ave aspergers adn have been in fights my whole life , but i never learned from them..i know it is a cliche dude but you were wrong what you did needs to stop and now...there is no special explanantion or trick involved, it must come from within, frim within you.
we are angry people and often misunderstood, but we do know when we are wrong....your dad is trying to help you but dude you were wrong, just accept that and change your ways or you go downhill forever.

Andrew I've had times that I did those same things my self. A whole lot. After words I can't believe that I did it. You think you do it again?

The best way to cope is to accept the fact that you are human. Everybody can get angry, even the most patient and understanding person. Break the promise to not be mean or vile. Not everybody deserves your respect.

It was a stupid thing to do. I live with parents who belive I should defend myself. I wont defend myself (unless I am delt the upperhand (a desk, chair, bat) out of fear). On top of that, I dont belive in it. I belive that I proboboly deserve it. mabe I am wrong in looking at my aspergers diagnosis as "Why did God forget all the important parts of me?" and not "Its their problem" Im just sick of the bs of people not allowing that of me.

You threw a desk? Those are heavy.

Wow! A lot of people here are really in-tune with me.
I can only hold on for so long.
Once I break my tolerance barrier, I can reallly get going and I do really get going because I find that I am unable to help myself.
Wow!
For lack of anything better to say, Wow!

hmm

That was a totally over the top reaction to a tennis ball.

Usually for something like that I pocket the tennis ball and act like nothing happened because I know this non-reaction will annoy anyone chucking balls just to get a rise out of me.

I try to think of the best nicest reason I could have been hit by a tennis ball. Someone was aiming for someone else and they missed the throw or the catch.

Again pocketing the tennis ball works - because they have to ask nicely for it back and apologise if they want it. At this point you could pretend to be deaf and ask them to repeat the request/apology a little louder and get the teacher involved that way.

Unfortuately exploding and breaking stuff, doesn't acheive anything useful but you already knew that. So you need to tell yourself to STOP, be focussed on what you want to achieve, wait until you calm down - if you have to leave the room, that's better than breaking things, then think about the best way to deal with the situation.

Now is going to be really tricky because some kids will chuck another tennis ball at you just to watch the dramatic effect. Give them none. They're pea brains that don't deserve free entertainment.

Get a yoyo.