Would you say your parents are mean?

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Today we plan on going to the movies and dad said he'd pick up the 10 year old then pick me up and we can go eat. I mention we'll have popcorn then he said "Well she has to eat she hasn't had lunch!" (In a loud IMO harsh tone) I said oh ok. and now I feel bad. IMO he didn't have to be so mean about it!! He's always like this so I shouldn't let it bother me but I do. I need to start keeping my damn mouth shut more! and keeping to my room SHEESH!

I'm sure your dad didn't mean to be mean to you. He might have been a bit tired and said it a bit more loudly than he meant. Please don't keep thinking about it though as I'm sure he's forgotten it by now and if he had really snapped at you he would have apologised. If you're not sure, talk to him about it.

My daughter is very sensitive to my tone of voice too (she's 6, undiagnosed but with some aspie tendencies). I try to apologize if I know I'm being overly harsh for no reason, and I encourage her to TELL ME if she feels like I'm being harsh so that we can talk about it. The hard part is that there are going to be times when "us talking about it" is going to mean that I tell her that she's being too sensitive. It's a delicate balance between me respecting her feelings, and her not overreacting to things. It requires understand on both of our sides and is easy to get out of balance one way or the other.

I doubt he was intentionally being mean. When he says things that make you feel that way, I would try to point it out to him or ask him why he feels frustrated about it. Maybe over time you can both learn more about how to react to each other.

My husband has a manner of speaking that sounds just like that. He is loud, and he yells. He swears he doesn't yell, but he does. Everyone tells him this. It's a matter of defining what yelling actually is. He has a very in your face way of talking, for example when he asks you to do something, it comes out as a bark, like he's telling you what to do. He also is that way when he's explaining something.

I tell him all the time that the intention in his head is not what is coming out of his mouth. What is perceived by the person you are speaking to is what matters, not what he intends. If he intends not to yell, but the other person perceives it as mean and yelling, the he is not expressing himself appropriately. My son thinks he's mean to little kids. He's not, it's just his manner. My son is exactly like him, and he talks the same way. Neither one can see it in themselves.

It took me a long time to understand this, and now that I do I tell myself (and others) that it is just his way, and he means nothing by it. If you father is like this all the time he may not realize how he comes across.

If you feel comfortable, try to talk to him about it. Pick a time when he's receptive and you are comfortable, and when it's NOT during a situation when this is happening so he doesn't get defensive. You both can work on this together. Hiding from it is only going to make YOU feel worse, and if he doesn't mean to come across that way, he may try to be more aware of himself and more sensitive to how you perceive him.

My parents aren't mean at all. They're probably the nicest people you could ever meet. However, I do misinterpret their body language a lot and I'm very sensitive to their tones of voices, which often leads me to think they're angry with me when they're actually not.

My mum snaps and over reacts like that a lot, too, but she is generally nice. It upsets both of us when she suddenly goes from being happy to getting really angry over virtually nothing, though, and the same can be said for my dad TBH...

No mine are not mean. My mom was tough when I was growing up and she said 'no' a lot but lot of kids think their moms are mean when they don't get their way. Same as when they get grounded and get things taken from them or when they lose privileges. She didn't get us whatever we wanted and only got us what we needed. Sometimes she would be nice and get us what we wanted but that was rare. She often said no. She didn't even get us lot of junk food or buy things like Trix yogurt because "it was too much money" and she didn't go buying cereal we wanted for the same reason.

My dad had a temper and he curse when mad and sometimes hit and slam things when he get angry. He even threw a TV controller against the wall once when my brothers and him had an argument over it. Then he cursed because the controller broke. Then he blamed it on them. I was right in the room when it happened and the next thing I knew I saw something hitting the wall and my brothers screaming and my dad cursing saying it broke. Then I started yelling at him because he broke the controller and he said it was busted anyway and the fact he left a mark on the wall. He even used to slam belts against the walls and at us but mom put a stop to it.

My mom is very nice and my dad was fairly nice.

My mom is a narcissistic sociopath and my father was her b***h.


Did I say that out load?


Oh. My bad. My folks were grand.


(sorry, a little dark humor tinged with unresolved bitterness)

My parents were not mean. My mother capable of being abrasive and sarcastic, but at least in the early years not inclined to snap at you. My father mostly out of it.

What may be going on - saw this years back with one of our students who had very bad relationship with one professor.

She constantly expecting him to yell at her, so showing anxiety and on occasion crying.

He constantly expecting her to be fearful and anxious, so he blows up.

A combination of being sensitive and anticipating SOMETHING with anticipating mdeltdown and getting uptight about that.

Student and professor - I sat them down, MADE them talk calmly to one another in my presence. There is a psych technique for you. It broke through their mutual expect the worst, got the problem resolved.

Could you find a time to sit down and talk when you are all maximally calm, making a pact to work on not reacting?

Yes and no. My parents don't even try to understand how hard autism makes my life. I bought countless books on AS yet they are "too busy" to read them. They are "too busy" watching televsion programs or reading novels. They still claim the bullying I received in public school was mostly my fault. They say it shouldn't bother me anymore because it happened years ago. My father was in the war "years ago" and no one questions his trauma. My parents know it bothers me to be in social situations yet they forced me to go to church and family functions and threatned me with "consuquences" when I didn't want to go. They are always calling me the selfish one. I know they mean well but I wish they'd at least try to read the books I buy for them and do a better job of adovacating for me.

My parents are wonderful. They have always been extremely nice and supportive of me. Although I am now married and have two sons, they are still there when I need them.

I would say that:

My parents did the best they could and they never meant to hurt me.

I did the best I could and never meant to hurt them.

That any misunderstandings we had were just misunderstandings; and none of it was significant enough to hold a grudge over.

I don't think a little extra inflection in a reaction warrants stopping communication or locking yourself up in your room.

My parents were/are fine. Yes, there's miscommunication (inter-generational gap, combined with the fact that I've got a different personality and interests to them,) but there's never been any time when I feel I can't completely rely on them.

My mom and stepdad are kind, loving people. My dad loves me and generally wasn't cruel to me, but I did see him do some very cruel things. I hope he is beyond that now. I feel sorry for him for some of the things he did to my mother, me and a certain little rabbit who'd done nothing more than catch my dad's eye.

I never want to be that mean. I learned that it was ok to be like that. No way am I going to be that way.

Sh*t. I need a therapist. This makes me very sad. I think I've stumbled on one of my roots causes of OCD.

My dad is a wonderful, loving person who I can feel really comfortable about being myself around (he might also have aspergers, I suspect, since we both have the same troubles with society). We have our moments where he'll say something unintentionally very rudely/straightforwardly with me, and I'll get very hurt emotionally, but those happen only once every couple of years or so.

My mom is a very wonderful person too, but I often vex her unintentionally since I'm so much like my dad. She's a very open, in-your-face kind of person who is very emotionally driven. When her passion and drive are combined with my almost unemotional logic and strained extremely rare "bonding" opportunities with me, she kind of gets frustrated. She gets along, personality-wise, better with my sibling, who is just like her (and who also has the same issues with me). I wish we could understand each other more, but we get a long just as fine as two totally opposite people can.