Could too much honesty hurt an aspie too?

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Hi.. So to some degree an aspie could be too honest and could be perceived as rude or hurtful to a usual NT; and to some degree also, an aspie expects the plain truth or honesty from people. Would being too honest hurt them just as much? More insights would be very much appreciated.. Thanks..

I get hurt very easily when I misread someone's intentions, even when they're being honest. Most of the time when I hurt someone's feelings by being "too honest" (although I don't believe there is such a thing) it is because I haven't made my intentions clear enough to them in conjunction with my honest remark... or because I haven't phrased it sensitively enough.

If you want to try out aspie honesty on an aspie, make your intentions clear... i.e. "I'm telling you that you stink so that you don't get embarrassed if people make fun of you because of it". Essentially, the reason should be because you care about them. As an aspie, I know there is no excuse for being rude. I learned early on that if I didn't have anything nice to say, my best bet was to keep my mouth shut. The only reason I open my mouth is because I care about someone. For instance, if someone ticks me off and I don't care about them, I'll simply never speak to them again. If I do care about them, I'll want to talk about and deal with the issue directly... and I'll probably fight about it until it's resolved one way or another.

oh cool thanks raquigirl.. that was very helpful! that was kinda my concern upon asking the question, as to not getting the intention of my honesty wrong. uhm..

but what if the answer to a question i'm being ask is something that i know he wouldn't like?

mine's kinda good at asking questions so from there i decided to just answer honestly but i still don't want to hurt..

Start out by letting him know that you realize he might not like what you have to say and take extra steps to communicate that you are only answering the question because he asked, but that you want to answer honestly because you understand that it's important and that how you feel about it, while he might not like it, doesn't change the fact that you care about him very much. Does that help?

anything of too much hurts...

Oh yes!! Thank you Raquigirl! You are golden! So i have to make my message very clear so my words would not be misunderstood.. I feel stupid, i feel like i should already know this.. but this is very cool! this would help me articulate myself so much better to anyone..

Hey Boo! Yeah, that's why I'm really trying to learn to be just right.. I really wish I could do a good job at it..

I hope all is well with you both..

If it helps... very often I feel stupid like I should know already that my partner who loves me would not say anything to hurt me without very caring intentions, but I still often misunderstand his words and even assume that his intentions are mean, when a part of me knows that they are not. A lot of it has to do with building trust in a relationship, which just takes time.

lol! yeah mine's kinda like that too.. it's just rcently i started learning about AS, so before i was almost always with jokingly sarcastic remarks and boy did it push all the wrong buttons hehe.. and yeah, he alwys see the negative tendency of my point, its okay though it makes me more aware too.. and yes *sigh* time.. hehe.. i really appreciate all these input.. hug!! *-----(",)-----* hehe..

No problem! Any time. It really helps to know someone on the other side too, so I can see what he goes through with me. It helps me remember that joking and sarcasm are normal NT things and even though I don't understand it, I don't have to jump to the conclusion that he's being mean before I ask.

very much the same here! lol! joking and sarcasm is air to me hehe.. i think in the spectrum of whatever it is, i'm way far in the other end from yours that goes even beyond NT, that i think i also suffer some of the difficulties an aspie have socially or something like that.. so i kinda have posted this thread few minutes back.. lol! Click Me!

Hi NC, I am new here. However, I just had to weigh in on this. First, Raquigirls answer was dead-on! I don't know how many times I have actually told people I care about: 'listen, I am telling you, that looks horrific on you because I am your true friend. And if you did not tell me I looked THAT bad in something and let me walk out of the house with it on, I would be furious with you!'

As far as this question: 'Would being too honest hurt them just as much?' Yes and no, speaking only for my self. As long as the person is able to take the time to discuss their feelings and allow me to process the information and analyze it, possibly to death...lol, I would probably be okay. The only problem I could forsee is someone I am in love with telling me something earth shatterring such as- 'I am leaving you and marrying Jane Doe.' Some of us with Aspergers can be very logical with some things, and quite emotional and hypersensitive with others.

Abbey

@psychohist yeah i really don't want to lie and i know that it's the best way rather than complicate things..

@abbeydoll cool! lol! you speak dramatically like me hehehe! yeah i usually speak that way haha.. yeah it was a great answer!! but for information to hurt or not hurt, making it way clear, will take me time and practice.. hehe..

@BOTH i hope you guys are well..

To answer your question: yes, aspies feelings can get hurt too. Honesty is important tho, at least to me, but at the same time it doesn't mean you should be brutally honest all the time intentionally (knowing it may hurt the person's feelings) if there is no reason to do so. I agree with the others tho.

Examples of what I mean:

Your Aspie aunt is present at a birthday party ... you think her dress looks horrible ... well you don't have to tell her that lol it may hurt her feelings and would be useless since she's already there at the party with this horrible dress.

But ... if you are close to your aunt, and she is still getting ready for that party and is not sure which dress to wear, and she shows you that horrible dress and asks you what you think, then yes you probably should tell her since she would have time to pick a different dress for the party. I know I would want you to tell me.

But then again every person is different, aspie or not, if you know the person enough I'm sure you will figure out what is best.

Shadi

Hehe thanks for this.. I'll try my best to know the best way to communicate my point more importantly if it's of something delicate.. And in case I don't know what to do, Shadi, I'll panic and inbox you.. hehe..

_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie..

Being lied to hurts me a lot more than honesty does.