Dying relatives.

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Hello everyone!
Recently I got the news that my beloved old grandpa have colon/liver cancer (stage 4 which means they can't cure him).
In the beginning he felt well, but after they took his chemo away and said he was to weak to continue it he has been in bed, and haven't been able to walk. Since then I haven't visited him. I know it sounds terrible selffish, but I just don't want to "remember" him as ill, and just kind of want to stop my relation with him so his coming death won't hurt me that much.
I feel so bad with myself for doing this, my grandparents invited me to christmas and my grandpa told us this would probably be the last christmas we would have together, and we shouldn't be sad because he wasn't, "he have had a long and good life." I just don't want to go, but I must do it for him.
Yesterday my mom told me that the doctors said he wouldn't live for another 6 months, and that made me push her and just go in to my room feeling extremely angry and didn't want to come out! At that point I felt a hatred for both my grandpa and my mum, but that's not how I want to feel.....
It's hard to explain -
I just feel extremely confused and feeling like I'm crazy;
And was wondering if someone has been in similar situation, and how you were coping with it?
Thank you.

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Anger is one of the stages of grief.
It's completely natural, it'll pass.

I guess everyone had different ways of coping with such situations.

When my grandmother died beginning this year, I was happy and thankful that I could visit her in the last weeks of her life. At that time, she could barely move, but she was mentally sane. She was still herself, thinking and caring more about others than herself. Visiting her was always very pleasant. On the day she took her last breath, she was held in acoma, having a pulmonary embolism. She could barely breathe. I still remember when I entered the room and saw her ; I knew it would soon be over. I was allowed to hold her hand during a couple of minutes. It was a very intense and difficult moment but afterwards, I was happy I did it. It was a way to support her and to thank her for what she had done for us. It helped when I was in mourning to know that I was there on that day and that I visited her in the last weeks of her life.

So, if I could give you advice, it would be to visit your grandfather and enjoy the last moments you'll have with him. Otherwise, you might regret if afterwards.

But as I said, everyone has different ways of dealing with this.

In any case, be strong. You have my sympathy.

Please visit your grandparents. I think you would feel worse if you didn't, and regretted it, as you would not be able to turn back time. Where as going will be difficult for you, and may leave you with some difficult feelings to work through, perhaps for many years after, but this is preferable surely than a life of regret.

I know some of what you feel, my nan was in hospital dying, for some reason I just didn't realise how ill she was. I visited her with my sister, and the nurses came in the room to wash her and I felt we were in the way so to be polite i said we should go, even though she said we didnt have to. When we left my sister cried because she said my nan didnt want us to go, and looking back I think she realised she was dying. That was the last time I saw my nan. I have lived silently with guilt for over 10 years, that i left her when she wanted us to stay. But I didn't realise, maybe it's the AS, i sometimes just dont absorb things like most people, and I know she wont be angry at me, but i feel i let her down.

Don't set yourself up for feeling like I do. Tackle your fears head on. Maybe when you see your your grandparents you can try to be honest with them about your fears? They will understand, and greatly appreciate your effort for trying to put them aside for your their sakes? I think admitting how you feel would help lessen the feelings you are experiencing.

Hope this helps x

You need to go and be with him. You will be drawing in guilt and shame if you don't do it. My father died of cancer several years ago and I spent all the time that I could with him, even crawling in bed with him in the morning to keep him company and rub his feet. It was hard to see him so sick but I am so glad I spent all that time with him, I am in peace with his passing now and I feel very connected to him. He needed me to be there and I was. You need to do it for him and for yourself, so when he passes you feel good about giving to him all the love that he needed.

Thank you. I've been visiting him a lot lately. He have very good days (eating, talking, awake) and very bad days (not eating and drinking much, sleeping almost all the time), you can't really predict when he will have a good or a bad day.
Thanks for the advices, they helped me and I'm really happy that I choose to visit him every week again.