Utter Madness...I think

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[UPDATE: Apologies for the dreadful edit. It should be alot clearer now, albeit rather long]
Greetings,
I am so happy I have found this most wonderful forum. This is most first post, and sadly it must be for a most distressful problem.

I know this is not the "biography forum" but a brief history shall be necessary. I was born in Philadelphia and live in the suburbs around 45 minutes outside the city. My mother died when I was maybe 8 or so (2nd grade). I never had any friends at the time, nor expressed any desire to have any friends. I was quiet and played by myself (at that time it was Star Trek, which is still is albeit not to the same extent). This was I am sure rather disturbing. However what he may not have noticed was that was my pattern in the first grade. In kindergarten (which I had to take over for reasons still not clearly explained to me) I had perhaps one or two friends at most on a limited level. There was one girl at who's house I played at. When I was at her place for a pool party I stuck alone (I felt almost identical-age adjusted-as I did years later when I attended a "babysister's" drinking party with maybe 25 people). This same pattern existed in Pre-School (staring at children's watercolors staped to the bulletin board rather then socializing). The problem only got worse at Cub Scouts and the YMCA camp. At the latter we had to walk backwards! Even my puny brain at the time found this absurdly illogical. But it built character (or whatever) so I just did what they said.

By 5th grade (I changed schools after 2nd grade) I had two friends and they developed into pretty solid ones. I even developed a "medium" friend, and a "fair" friend by the time 8th grade arrived. By that time the bullying had stopped entirely (it was worse from 1st to 4th, and dropping off through 6th, by 7th it was pretty much gone). Also almost EVERYONE was nice even though I had virtually no clue what to tell them. Also the girls were pretty nice to me although I was incredibly embarrassed when the talked to me and could usually think of at the most one or two pathetic come backs before they walked off. In them 8th grade I missed 60 days due to migrane headaches officially. The headaches were real although no doubt I missed some days to "screw it, I don't want to go in." My principle despised me and accused me and lying about the headaches and that triggered something in my head that turned me around from really wimpy into big strong aggressive man. Surprisingly she didn't suspend me but let me go. A sometimes sort-of friend but also "enemy" told me she certainly prevented me from winning an academic history prize. I believed it at the time, but honestly when you miss 60 days it will effect your grades. History far my best subject and really the only one I cared about; I helped lecture the class on WWII, and strongly debated the teacher on MacArthur in Korea, he was right BTW. I also was very good at basketball. I regretted that I didn't sign up for the team, but in hindsight that is unrealistic as I never would have been able to actually commit myself to going to the tryout. I was fine with catching the ball and shooting (except for one really odd day where I missed every shot, like 40 of them) but had this strange habit of getting hit in the head with the ball. I also fell down alot more then other people did. I laughed it off at the time. (I also ran straight into a wall one time in Gym class. People were baffled by what I did. So was I. I also could never get one of the excercises right for some reason that I never could understand in which followed the teacher but I don't remember what it was).

I'm really sorry for the long introduction. As an apology here is some more: High School worked...badly. I went to a Catholic school but that isn't why it didn't work. My headaches around that time got alot worse although I probably skipped some days too out of the fact I hated it. My only friend from elementry school humored me for a bit but finally made it clear that he liked me but I really needed to make friends at the other side of the building. This prospect terrified me. All of my friendships just "happened." Actually I think people probably just started talking to me with one possible exception of a person I may have said hello too maybe (I say hello people sometimes really reluctantly in what appear to be non-threatening situations).

So after a while I just stopped going or something. I don't really remembered. I was then put into the public system which failed even faster (there was a teacher there who I politely said hello to as I always did with teachers but he got angry at me; I never talked to him again and never got a PAPER from him even once), and eventually was homeschooled a bit. Then I was placed into this "alernative therapy school" thing which was successful in that I was able to work on my own and ask questions only when needed. I got tons of work this way. I had one close friend, and the other guys were "associate friends." With my close friend I would talk about all sorts of things. He was the most similar person to me I have ever met. The other guys were rather different but when the discussion turned to video games I was all in. The therapy portion was a mixed bag. They tended to turn the discussion to my mother and say: There must be something about your mother you are holding back. I would so "No." They would say (everyone, the students and the counselers), "But we KNOW you are lying." They assumed this on fact that I only talked about the things I was interested (politics, subjects of the mind rather then most of the stuff about people's pasts) rather then entering in on things I didn't care about. Obviously a such a reluctance to talk about feelings means you have some tramatic issue with your mother. Debates occassional would occur with me versus them but they did admit, which was alot for them, that I was intelligent thinker.

Since then it has been mostly downhill I am afraid. I have applied for quite a few jobs (fast food, gas stations, book stores) and not been able to get a tug. Looking for jobs is difficult for me with the approaching the counter and asking the desk uh...guy being especially awful (I hope I am not sounding insane here). I have had two job interviews, both with women. The first was a disaster, maybe because I was facing her in full view. My mind went blank frequently, and my eyes were flying around all over the place. The next was better, and in fact they it was likely I had the job. But they never called as the said (to be fair, it is possible it was a test). My dad told me to call and indeed I wanted to call. I tried to explain that calling was difficult, but my dad did not understand. Of course I would have been better if I called. This was some time ago. I did have a job for perhaps four months as a clerical worker at my dad's company. Everyone says I did a good job. My dad evens says (bizarrely) that I was talking to the workers around me. The first may be true but the second is not. I was trying to control my shaking when the other workers were around me. There was only one worker who I was comfortable with for long time but then she seemed annoyed with me so I was worried about her too. Sometimes things were better with group meetings in which co-workers joked and talked about their lives. I would talk on occassion, but only if it hit something I knew like if someone mentioned their dog I would mention my dog. The conversation would stop after I had dispensed the the available knowledge of my dog in my head at that time. Also if someone mentioned say Mexico perhaps I would mention the royal family of Mexico. However in normal work times I was very nervous: I worried about saying hello (usually I said nothing), or goodbye (usually I said nothing). And I second guessed when I did say hello or goodbye or did anything else for that matter. And honestly I was happier when I left the job then when I had it. The copy machine was hell on the ears. The noises all over were god-awful. People talking incessently about nothing drove one mad (I don't mean to be insulting, BTW, this is merely my perspective at the time). The constant nature of the activities was driving me fairly close to the breaking point. Doing the mail was fun, but filing papers, and sorting papers dug into you. I wasn't going mad or anything. I probably would have stumbled around the office for a few minutes and then "...uh...uh...uh" told my father I couldn't continue working anymore, but they didn't need me. I do admit is was painful to leave. But it is always painful to leave anything. Those were the people who I had associating with for four months. And the faces...gone. No big deal, honestly.

But something has happened since then. My father and step-mother are (understandably) demanding that I get a job (I actually want a job, I have been thinking about a job at the library), and they are upset that I am not fullfilling my share of the obligations in the house (I wouldn't disagree, although I respond very poorly to consistant negative reenforcement). Additionally certain events have complicated the situation further: My computer died. My thoughts began to coalesce obsessively over time to the point that I could think about nothing else then the lack of access to a computer of my own. I was perfectly aware it was irrational, and admitted this was so. I told my father (honestly) that I felt this behavior would only get worse until I had a computer. Now, it's possible that something other then the selfish action of me getting a computer could have ended my emotional collapse. Indeed, what followed was apparently seems absurd. I had raised the possibilty of getting a Labtop computer instead of (still, in my mind) illogically upgrading the older more expensive more bulky wreck of a desktop computer I had. And my dad eventually agreed. And then...that possibility seemed to evaporate! My step-mother, who was convinced that I was involved in a elaborate game or plot to manipulate my father (which I guess is sort of true, although it wasn't some evil plot) decided she would have some friend (OUT OF NOWHERE!! ! my mind told me, "WHO IS THE GUY?! WHERE ARE HIS CREDENTIALS?!) who was the computer guy at her company. I no longer wanted my computer fixed even though this meant I was unwilling to risk moving my files to a new desktop (although I will keep and drag my worthless desktop around in a desperate effort to hang onto those files forever), I "simply" wanted a new labtop computer (with it "simple" $1,750, as it turned out, pricetag), and I didn't want SOME GUY who MAYBE I DIDN'T KNOW SQUAT ABOUT ANYTHING to look at my machine in any event. Well, fortunately he didn't show up, and I got my laptop, less fortunately my step-mom got even more furious at me (did I mention I plugged my monitor into their computer, and then their monitor into my computer, and now their computer is crap....yeah. And this happened first! Yeah. Although the fact that there was no apparent problem with poking around with the said their computer changed into I had violated this new step-mom established computer code which I had never been told about the last time I poked their computer. Which may be a good idea BTW. I'm just saying.)

OK...that is that. Now: This is not the first time I had heard about Asperger's disease. It is the second time. I read about it the first time maybe six months ago. I showed my dad and he said: "Show it to the Shrink (he used another work for Shr.)." The shrink says my vocabulary is too good. Now it is true that my vocabulary is indeed very good. I took a college pre-test on vocab and scored stunningly well (I dropped out of the course when I panicked regarding the essay questions about the characters emotions, it's a required course.). This is wonderful since this contradicts every I have read about Asperger's Syndrome. He even says he has attended Asperger's seminars and has patients with Asperger's. I have been seeing this man for five years at least and frankly I am in a frustrating position. I told my dad several times over the past three years that maybe it isn't a good idea to see a shrink for five years because things can get stale. I did this because the guy has turned into like a bizarre friend that I can talk about but can't talk about EVERYTHING and have carefully avoided offending him in any way that might make him angry. I talk about politics (well actually, we don't agree on much, so we talk about political strategy and strength of candidates), baseball, movies, and history, and also occassional "what goes on at home." I am well aware something is wrong here but breaking away is, of course, the hardest thing of all (but probably necessary).

Today I tried to get my father to realize the issue. I was attempting to explain the seriousness of Asperger's syndrome as to whether it was correct in my case or incorrect in my case. He told me (as he tells me EVERY TIME) to talk about it with my shrink. I responded that I didn't think it would work (always vague to start). He asked why. I broke finally and said: "I don't think is competent in this area" (or something like that). And my dad responded: "Then you should tell him." Now I have told my dad of my problem telling the doctor certain issues several times. Now it should be noted there was a partial breakthrough the other day as I found the phone worked a bit better and also perhaps I have been desperate battling my parents on this. There was a half-step back the next day when he wasn't very interested in much of what I was telling Mr. Shrink. I said to him (back to Dad now) that I couldn't tell him (Shrink). That it was impossible. (This may not be literally true BTW, I acknowledge). He asked me why. I said I didn't want to cause harm to him personally. He said the doctor is a professional. Well, duh. For a minute or too we bounce back Why? And uh...hmm...er... Then I blurt out "I AM AFRAID OF SUDDEN CHANGE!" or something like that. And he says, "Huh." And I sink in my chair. My moment may be lost. He says to say it again. I say I can't. He asks, getting a little annoyed (which honestly I can understand) why? I say (having no idea what to say about this) "it's complicated." My dad suggests that I type something on my activated notepad PC. I say that just won't work now. After a few minutes my dad and my step-mom leave the room for the outside deck and I can't see them. After a minute I get an idea. I flip over to notepad and sort of "zone out" (hard to explain). I start typing. I am getting more detailed now. I want them to know. I will type. I will leave for my room. They will come in and see. And all will be done. ... At least for this. But...what! They are back in the kitchen? NO!! !! !! ! NO! NO! NO! NO! "NO!! !" "DAMN IT!! !" They look at me. "Sorry, can you go outside again?" They say no, and say they can go where they please. (My father stresses the fact over and over again that it is HIS HOUSE as well as the fact that people must be able to GO AROUND THE HOUSE OPENLY) I spend the next fifteen minutes trying to explain that there was a difference for me in writing in having them outside on the deck then having them being able to see me from the living (while watching TV and it's annoying loud sound), or having we walk into my room, type it out, walk back out, and put it on the table. Eventually, my arguments do not breach a simple perspective. "This is my house. I pay the bills. I can go where I want." (he didn't literally say this. I don't remember many of his exact words as they were so similar in type. It all kinda melds together) I suppose I can understand in retrospect to a degree his attitudes as he has no idea what I am talking about. After all of his comments I screamed at him. I actually cursed at him which I never do. I called him a "f*cking a**hole." I regretted it and apologized for it within a couple of minutes. I tried very, very hard and think I better explained my position then I ever have as to why I wanted him and my stepmother outside. I tried to tell him why I cursed at him. Why that feeling was there. The depth to it. How I wanted to give him the information, and how he could have had it if he had wanted to. (although honestly, it was probably too late from the moment he reentered the kitchen but I wasn't thinking that way at the time) He seemed, although it is hard to tell, to be effected. I spoke for perhaps fifteen minutes. I was emotional. I closed by telling him that it was almost impossible that I would be able to turn over the information to him. The energy. That great magical energy was gone. Yet in the end the response was the same as always. Nothing definitive, nothing concrete. Not even an admission that MAYBE he had made SOME mistake SOMEWHERE. I started to say quietly, "Sometimes it helps to say your sorry" or something like that. But I stopped. It wouldn't have accomplished anything. Everything returned to normal. Stepmom and Father exchanged their war stories of work and talked about the flowers. Nothing had changed.

For the purposes of reference I will now list some of the AS symptoms I have noticed (don't worry, we are nearing the end now)
(I got these from www.angelfire.com/clone/asperger/index.html)

Lack of Peer Relationships (no close friends now, one online companion)

Likes Routine, doing the same thing over and over again (I listen to music tracks over and over again, currently the same one for 3 wks str8 as an example, I like to sit, read, and eat and I like to do it regularly (not at home), and have trouble when I can't, there are others of course)

Fear of new places or new situations (the list is long, I will say this: often I will say hey let's go here but at that last minute my mind shifts to a feeling of dread, and feeling that I have made a terrible mistake. The trips to these new places are often terribly depressing)

Odd Speech Patterns (stuttering, repeating words. it's situational; I didn't notice the stuttering until I met someone who had a more serious problem then I did, no one ever told me about it)

Literal thinking - unable to understand jokes (I can understand MOST jokes, but I have trouble on sarcastic stuff especially if spoken if in what I interpret to be a non-sarcastic manner. I often get a strong urge to analyze what may or may not be a sarcastic remark and inform the person of how "unremarkable" his remark indeed was. (See! I understand jokes!)

Anxiety in social situations (well...duh)

Sensativity to light, touch, smells, ect (This has always been an issue with me but seems to be more of one now then ever. I jump and/or yelp with sudden various sudden noises. I do not like to be touched generally, and the touch to the face can send me reeling (when with doctor's are with me I'm better but I still shake a bit, again especially with the face; certain smells especially mixed foods of which the site of whom makes me sick (don't focus!), and I rarely acquire a new meal I like. The mixed meals again usually taste disturbing. I can never get used to them.

Unusual Walking Gait - Clumsiness (from my viewing of other persons I do not walk like most people, additional I get dizzy at times. this may be worse then before I'm not sure. I walk best with my arms at stretched like a predatory bird.

Trouble Sleeping (I cannot sleep without medication, at least right now. This was not a problem until maybe early high school. Additionally noise of which there is substancially more of since my step-mother and her various sons entered the house makes it much more difficult)

High IQ (my IQ is "good" but not remarkable. I have tested 109 to over 130. I tested over 130 when observed however that was when I was a sophomore in high school and being homeschooled. I'm 22 now.

Collecting (I have an absurd amount of books on politics, history, and baseball (hundreds). Also have all the Medved books on bad movies which I have read like 3 times each min. They are just scattered around my floor, except for the one in boxes in another room or in the attic. I also have lots of DVDs (all 24, all Star Trek but Voyager, all Gilligan's Island, all (released_ Hogan's Heroes, all James Bond, almost all MST3K, The Critic, random stuff). I am very strange(?) in the way I go about buying books sometimes. Most are impulse buys, occasionally the book is worthless and very occassionally two in a row are worthless which makes me go a little crazy for a few minutes, but sometimes I will go into a store, get the book, go to the register, decide it's not a good idea to get the book after all, go home, change my mind, go back to the store, get the book, go to the register, ect... If this happens at some point there will a breaking point in which I will start to lean one way or the other and eventually I will buy the book or reject it. Occassionally when I want to buy something I will go crazy and search everywhere looking for it. When I was looking for the Star Trek Fan Collections things (they had some Voyager episodes I wanted but I couldn't afford the season discs) I drove from discount store to mall to mall to find it. And I found it. And happy was I! I will clean my room and can be good at it. I will get this thought suddenly that my books must be organized (I never get it done) and my room will be (essentially) clean in two days time. Normally when I try to just clean it (as in: "clean your room, you") I have a terrible time of it. I look around and everything melds together and my mind reminds of the "drip, drip" of a leaky facet. Everything moves in slow motion.

Odd Face Glaze (yes, although I didn't figure it out until I actually looked into a mirror because it's like these things aren't worth mentioning or something

Asperger Syndrome Conditions (these are inferences)

Sensory Integration Dysfunction (some of things not listed I never heard of)
Propagnosia - Face Blindness
(There is a Place Blindness listed but I have never heard of it and don't feel like digging for it right now)
Difficulty identifying smells (yes, at least I think)
Simphobia (very yes when it might cause of problem for me/very no that is irrevalent when a subject of my interest is involved with some exceptions)
Difficulty seeing mirror images (what is astonishing is that the example appears to be the exact problem I had in my gym class and could never figure out. Every one else could do this exercise and my limbs suddenly malfuctioned for some reason. I am not completely sure about but it sure is interesting although my parents weren't).

***

Let me close with this. I had what I thought was a pretty good relationship with my dad and my step-mom. I thought we understood each other and could talk to each other pretty well. I don't blame them entirely for what has happened. I have made mistakes. I have yelled at them. I have called, in extreme aggrevation, called them "inept," "illogical," and lacking the ability to understand basic concepts. My step-mom (among other things) has said I have ruined the past five years of her life (that's since she met my father), and has caused her physical health problems. This is a terrible concerning to me and I have written notes attempting to make this clear but neither my father nor my step-mom read much of what I write. When I show something of what I believe is interest on my labtop (I do not have a printer) my dad merely says, "Send me the link."

I made a appeal to him that I do not wish any more fights but a solution to problem. With that I raise the question, again, of contacting an expert on AS from a list. My dad stands silently and responds that maybe I should bring this up with my shrink. I am sure he is trying his best and he is very good at what he does (he is near the top of his profession) but it is very frustrating after all the problems with communications with my shrink we again must return to raising the question with this person. I tell him again I do not feel this is a good idea. He asks why. I say I don't trust him on this topic. My father says in a long and confusing statement that since my shrink knows me, and since he is a shrink he should be the one to make these decisions and any recommendations. This is of course the opposite of my interpretation. Into my hands my head goes again.

Two close days before this I got into a severe conflict into the nature of my problem. My parents are convinced that the nature of my problem has to do with my mother's death. That, in fact, my mother did not teach me (this is far as I can figure it out as THEY WON'T TELL ME the details of this idea) various social needs. This theory, that they or at least my step-mom (my dad seems remarkably relunctant to do anything and appears to be allowing my step-mom to take the lead; this fits somewhat with his pattern of behavior that I have scene) regards as self evidently correct, I regard as patently absurd. In addition to the fact that my own memories, while admittedly very vague, do not support this notion it can be additionally stated that this hypothesis does not come anywhere close to explaining all of the facts that appear in connection with my "condition." When I asked my shrink to explain my sensory issues, he simply responded that HE HAD NO IDEA where the issue came from. My parents likewise has no clue. I suspect that my stepmom believes that it is a diabolical plot considering the fact that every time my leg jerks or something like that she seems to get angry and sometimes she actually stalks out of the room. Two events: After the event in which my parents explained this to me without going into any detail, and after considerable verbal quarelling (TO BE HONEST I DON'T WANT TO TYPE THIS BUT I DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER WAY: they brought me into a very difficult and unexpected "meeting." They said they had something to tell me. They started mumbling to each other "should we tell him" and other things to each other which for some reason caused for to start to sob and my knees to shake together. Why I stopped they began to explain and my dad started to cry, which I have a very difficult time dealing with I am not proud to say. I assumed based on past events about my mother as started saying flatly that I knew where they were going but my mother was not the issue and I wasn't going to make this an issue again. They started getting angry and I left and went out onto the deck. I came back in quickly and they demanded I sat down. I asked them to summarize what the intended to say. They refused but I sat down anyway under heavy pressure. The timing here is kinda vague. Step-mom started talking to me a very slow voice like that you would talk to a child. I listened for perhaps ten minutes but the tone was driving me insane and I couldn't concentrate on her words. I asked her if she could speak faster. My words did not come out as I intended and I certainly sounded rather rude. She said she would continue to speak as she was. I requested an explanation. She replied that when people acted like children they must be spoken to like children. Something happened, but it is unclear. I believe a conversation where I challenge her about the difference between a personality disability and a developmental disability happens in here. Minutes later, I am attacking them for bringing up my mother. You have no idea have I feel nor, how I felt so stop trying to use that against me, I said. After I am done my emotional rant then say: "Who said anything about a Mother?" I am confused. Dad repeats. It hits me. I only noticed dad's reactions and immediately thought an attack was brewing. I immediately hope off my "high horse" and beginning apologizing and feeling awful. Within minutes they will be discussing my mother. I will learn that my father blames my mother's suicide for my own activities, and hence himself (for the record, I consider very tragic), I suffer a brief emotional meltdown and start sobbing and yelling: "It's not your fault!" over and over again. Diane returns to the bedroom where Dad has relocated. I am now recovered and apologizing repeatedly for crying. Diane comes out and calms me down. She agrees that it isn't Dads fault. Then the coversation takes a turn I never expected. She starts saying odd things most of which I cannot remember. I said something along the lines "developmental disabilities and learning disabilities are different" and she said something like "that doesn't mean anything." Next my step-mom pinned me down (sort of in a non-violent manner) in my chair and demanded that I stare her in the face, in her eyes. She demanded that I focus. She did not want me to do this for just a second or two either. This unfortunate not tortune or anything but very unpleasant experience lasted maybe eight minutes I thought more but I don't trust my judge of time. Shortly after this I was sparring with her over this, and really demanding an apology. After she said I needed to "grow up." I paused and asked her if Autistics needed to grow up. She said, "Yes." I very carefully gave her the opportunity to take it back but she aggressively refused. It is possible she doesn't believe that and was just angry at me though.

The next day there was another incident. Now I want to be fair here. I don't want to claim to be blameless. I am sure I said some things that were stupid and maybe arrogant. It was mostly talking. Me trying to debate them from various different angles and break through the "shield." They respond: "Arrogant, You're Not Smarter Then Us!/We Know More Then You!/We Have Experience!, You're Making Excuses/You're Going to Be a Failure!" Eventually I just lost my temper. This was the first time I had ever lost my temper to this degree. This is NOT to say I had never I a fit or obsessively try to out argue my step-mom or my father. But this different. My step mom said: "You spend so much time just making up excuses for (I forget)." This blew my top. I actually think that I was silent for a second. There was something different about these words. She was saying I wasn't even MAKING ARGUMENTS, I was just MAKING EXCUSES! She thought that this was just a game...I responded by directly that simply was false. I remember that my dad replied that I knew it was true. It was like someone declaring war on my very being. I called them every variation of "illogical" I could think of. And boy could I think of a lot of them. I didn't curse at them. I said they were simplistic. They didn't understand "basic concepts." That they were standing there ignoring what stood right in front of them. Then they came at me. As they approached I panicked and flew backwards onto the floor. They were saying: "That's it. Your out of here." Honestly I didn't care. The whole situation was them approaching me like wolves or something and it scared the hell out of me. I started gasping and sort of crying. They said "come on" or "get out of here." I don't remember the precise response. They wanted to get me and punish me but I didn't know how. They came in my direction and where about to touch me and I yelled to get away. My father's hand brushed against my face and I started kicking without thinking. They both started yelling but I was just sobbing now. They went away almost gloating about who they were going to call and tell (my couple of shrinks) and how that would effect me. When they left the room I crawed over to a mat that lie partially beneath our living room coach. My undercontrolled weeping continued. When the described the various things they would do/or persons call they mentioned the shrink I have mentioned often in this piece. I cried out: "Yes! Yes!" I was desperate for help outside my house. My step-mom still thought of conspiracy though despite all of this. She came in, perhaps looked at me, and stated that all of this was because of a car that I had asked me that began the argument that this was about (my car had been in the shop, my step-mom's car was available, t, I VERY reluctantly asked her to borrow the car, she said "I don't know" and then said, "first let me tell you why not" and got up in my face, I told her I did not want a fight, she agree, I said there were different perspectives on this issue and I acknowledged some things I had done wrong, and then she started lambasting me. I was very much desperate to get out of the house, sit and read a book somewhere, but that was not why I was weeping on the floor.). The weeping, which had lessoned, started up again. I started yelling out wildly about the dangers present in this house and how I must escape it, how it would surely destroy me. I was not really thinking rationally at this point. At some point, the music that my brother was playing downstairs caused me issues so I moved. That wasn't enough so I dragged myself onto the couch. Then, starting to clear up, I went over and turned the TV off, went over to the couch and remained their for thirty minutes or so. I haven't heard about the incident from either of my parents ever since.

Best wishes to you all.

Last edited by jimservo on 16 Jun 2006, 4:21 am, edited 2 times in total.

Sorry for just terrible lack of editing.

And I thought that I wrote long posts!

Anyways, welcome to the forum.

- Ray M -

This is worse than cinderella's story.

An aspie stuck with two NT parents? Chances are it was your birth mother that passed on the Aspergers (given the non-understanding from your Dad, if he was aspie at least he'd argue logically). Are there any other members of your mum's family you could stay with or talk to? Grandparents? Uncles or Aunts? Cousins? The more eccentric, the better.

Does anybody including the psychiatrists know you have aspergers?

If they do, why do they expect you to make eye contact?

Why would the analysts expect you to relate all your problems back to the way your parents behaved when you were tiny? So dumb and pointless.

However NT parents are not very logical. You can use this to your advantage.

There were no laptops or internet when I was at school. Imagine that! I read a lot of books, and stayed in my room or went for long walks by myself.

Your story though very long seems to leave out key words or descriptions that give it context.

Example of example:

To me this doesn't make any sense.
I don't know who you were trying to hit or what you were trying to hit or why you were trying to hit it (shield of what?). Why would you try to break something? Break what? And what did they do besides talking, because "talking" doesn't usually trigger "hitting" or I'd never be able to go out.

What did you say? why was it stupid or arrogant etc etc. There are volumes of words that don't make anything clear to me. Start with a description of the incident, step by step, sequentially in time - don't jump around with explanations, and then explain your confusion or response or desired outcome. The way it is now, you're writing your responses but I'm not getting what you are responding to.

At the moment it reads like you walk around picking fights for no reason.

It seems like your parents have been told to hold you down physically when you lose your temper. Except this scares the hell out of you. You probably scare the hell out of them when you lose your temper over something you can't even remember later.

I suggest when you feel the frustration and anger coming on, stop and go to your room or the bath room and shut the door, and block it so they can't come in. If they knock, tell them you need some time to calm down and tell them you will come out when you feel better. Drink some water.

Somehow you need to explain when you're all calm, that holding you down physically is about the worst thing they could do to an aspie kid that is hypersenstive to touch. The sensory issues are part of Aspergers and don't just go away by talking about them.

Ask your parents for two things.
1. a punching bag so you can clobber it when you feel frustrated or angry.
2. an anger management book eg the one at www.tonyattwood.com.au ("explore your feelings - anger management")
3. a psychologist (not a psychiatrist) who can give you practical strategies for managing your anger so you don't lose control and frighten people or break things.

Make a deal with your parents for the laptop. You do something they'd like (figure out something that you'd be ok about doing) in exchange they do something you'd like - ie the laptop.

I got a bicycle - very important for my independence - by saving up half and getting my parents to match the money dollar for dollar. Perhaps there are jobs around the house or local community you could do to gain a few dollars towards the computer. Maybe a second hand computer might be the way to go - you'd have it then.

You also want to be looking for ways you can fit into the community and support yourself independently - or you will be stuck with these parents or a home for the mentally incompetent forever. Perhaps you could start by learning how to cook and how to shop for cooking? You need to learn about bills and rent or mortgages, housekeeping - all that.

Also you need to find out how to manage your migranes. Does chocolate trigger them? Stress? Orange juice? School airconditioning? I don't think there is anything that makes them go away permanently but I think there are ways of reducing the frequency and maybe the severity.

Thank's for the quick response.

Let me clarify something quickly.

"The next day there was another incident. Now I want to be fair here. I don't want to claim to be blameless. I am sure I said some things that were stupid and maybe arrogant. It was mostly talking. Me trying to hit them from various different angles and break through the shield."

This was very poor wording obviously. I didn't hit them physically. What I attempted to do was use various arguments to convince them of my positions. The "shield" metaphor is a reference to the repeated statements the arrogance statements.

Now looking back I really should have better edited and condensed this post. I think I will try now. Sometimes when writing my mind simply moves so fast that I jump topic too quickly. As for the loads of grammer mistakes, I don't know. Again I should have edited it and I apologize.

The headache matter needs to be solved, I agree.

Wow. I am impressed that after all you have been through, you are still trying so hard - that's amazing. I think you just need to get that determination headed in more productive directions. It may take some effort, but PLEASE find a psychologist who understands Asperger's. You are wasting time with a doctor who doesn't.
Also, your Dad and Step-Mom need to gain some understanding of AS. You are just a person whose brain works differently from theirs, and until they understand that, they will continue to be frustrated by your behavior. This is from an NT Mom who loves and generally "gets" my son. It doesn't mean I don't worry about him and fuss with him, it just means we don't hurt each other as much and we make progress together.

Judging by the length of your post alone, yes, you do have Asperger's syndrome. Yes, it is madness. Welcome aboard.

Aspergers Desease, disease as in illness, like in something is not working as it should? Should we all be all social climbing NTs, should we all be praying to something that comes from the figment of the imagination?. Isn’t religion a disease of the mind, it effects NTs and illogical people around the world, only money and power is stronger.

I can tell you that Aspergers Syndrome is not a disease we are suppose to be like this, without Aspies we human kind would be just playing political, and lying games like some Big Brother contestant in some cave or mud-hut like they did thousands of years ago and science would not be 2+2=4 but 2+2= ”whatever value gives me power”.

Ha... yeah. We do speak straightforwardly and in simple terms. The problem is that most NTs get confused by words of one or more syllables.

Thanks again for the replies. I am current looking into getting the help of other family members re: this. I thought I made my first break through yesterday and I actually sent dad a list of specialists I found. But then he called my psychiatrist (different person from "shrink" described above, she actually knows me a bit better even though she sees me much less) but unfortunately she thought I wasn't taking my medication. She prescribed that I take two serequal (sp) (sleeping medication) immediately. I told my dad, who had had this bizarre attitude about him I hadn't seen before, that I was. He didn't even seem to believe me. At one point I tried to point out it didn't make any sense for me to stop taking my medication as this would cause all kinds of withdrawal and lack of sleep problems I didn't want to deal with. No dice. I called my aunt and say I want to talk to her "at once." (I talk to her today). I asked my dad what he would do if he were in my shoes: "What would you do if someone told you to take some pills based on a false presumption?" He doesn't like this question. My called my pych. at one point and she called back and I not so happily talked to her (although I like her). I told her I was taking my pills and she seemed to believe me. It turned out i was taking 1 serequel when I should be taking 3. She modified it a bit and I thought, "Hey this is OK." After a few minutes I realized she didn't really modify it much at all. Instead of two pills immediately it was 1 every six hours, and two at night. I took the one (around 1:00PM) and fell asleep eventually, couldn't lift my self up for the second, and would not have been able to sleep without another (because I had already slept). I took two (around 10:30PM), and slept until 1:30 the next morning. I dragged myself out of bed and onto the couch in the living room because I couldn't fall asleep but at the same time I couldn't keep my eyes open. I kept blinking as the TV made some noice I didn't really make out. I finally (sort of) adjusted after an hour or so.

I'm not depressed or anything. I'll get mad, frustrated, angry, but I think I am closer to the end of all of this then the beginning.

Aspe_chaz, you are correct. I typed "disease" when I meant type "syndrome." Obviously, the two words have a rather different deeper meaning. My mistake.

Wow - long post and I thought my first one - was long!

Doesn't sound like madness at all to me - Although I don't know whether I am AS or not so don't know how much use my opinion is. I certainly relate to alot of what you are going through - Although if I am AS - should I be able to do that?

I thought I could help with the job interview thing. I used to hate them - utter dispair mind blank etc - that is until I worked out how to deal with.

An interview is simply a sales exercise. You need to answer the questions in a way that puts across all your good relevant qualities. So break it into steps

1. What are you good qualities?

2. How are they relevant to the job?

3. Prepare answers to every singgle question they can ask. The good news here is there are only a finite number of questions that can be asked at an interview (most of them are the same question asked in a different way).

This prevents the panic that rises when faced with an unforseen variable because there no unforseen variables.

4. Prepare a list of inciteful questions to ask interviewer (I always get them to explain why tehy took their job).

5. If you need to talk on the telephone post-pre interview write down everything you are going to say including the all possible responses that the other person make have. The same thing can be done for approaching people at the counter to ask for a job - work out what you are going to say, practice it and what they could say in response.

Needless to say I cope with execessive planning...

I hope this helps and good luck with the job hunting -

J

Wow.

I just wanted to tell you, I have never read a poist I could relate to soi much as that. Yes it was long but
the whole way I was going "OMG! That happens to me too! Wow, I think like that too! That makes so much sense!" and I was feeling soooo bad for you.

I cannot express how bad i feel for you, because i am in a very similar situation. I am also 22 and living with my dad and stepmom! And although they know about AS and are generally to a degree accomodating enough, there is still a lot they don't understand and try to push me on, and we get into horrible fights just like you described! where everyone is yelling and most times I end up sobbing sometimes on the floor crying embarassed as hell just like you describe!! The thing about the computer almost broke my heart, you are trying soo hard to explain to them how you are feeling but they won't listen, they sabotage your efforts even tho they asked you to explain. I know the feeling, I feel I work very hard to explain to my parents how I am feeling but they so often seem to disagree or challenge my perceptions and it drives me crazy!! ! It's hard work explaining how you feel!!

I too want them to say theyre sorry!! !

Get this ---- my stepmom's name is Diane too! I just about died when I read that, lol.

It sounds SO extremely frustrating what you have to put up with , with people not believing you, even your psychs won't trust you. You keep trying to tell them but they won't listen trying to use logic but doesnt work.

I think in the same way you do too. like i tend to obsess over what went on in arguments and get overwhelmed by it and need to describe it in great detail to begin to process it at ll.

The good news is I am pretty sure I can help you!! You say you live in the suburbs of Philly. I have family there and get there a few times a year. There is a wonderful support group for adults on the autistic spectrum there. I have met two people from it and talked on the phone to a third. I have met and have a good relationship with the founder of the group, who is an EXTREMELY nice man who goes out of his way to help everyone in need of it. It was because of him that I had the opportunity to speak at an autism conference in Philly. The group's name is GRASP. If you will email me , at [email protected] , (any other form of contact i might not get), I will gladly give you all the info I have regarding this group and the founder's email address. I will even email him on your behalf if you like. He is someone you can talk to about AS, someone who will listen and maybe, hopefully help you find a way to tell your parents so the
they will listen. he can also help you find AS knowledgeable counselors in philly. And of course thru him you can meet other adults with AS which should lessen your isolaion. I think you definitely have AS because so much of what you have described is me to a tee. Also, one last thing, Autreat is going on in Philly last few days of June, it is a retreat for autistic people, there are like a hundred autistic spectrum people staying at a college campus for three or four days. its probably too late but in case you had the means and money to pay for it i thought id mention it. i can give more info on that too. one last thing there is a very interesting autism conference coming up end of july at penn state... i know one of the presenters there too . email me for any more info on that stuff or just to say hi. and good luck with everything!

Oh - and that univeristy in philly - Penn - they have a whole social learning disorders program - lots of AS knowledge people, clinicians, etc etc when i looked at what they offered on their websie it made me wish i lived in philly. they were the ones who sponsored sthe autism conference i went to in march. by the way if this sounds very rushed its because im trying to get off the computer to go to bed and was gonna save this to tomorrow but just had to reply tonight but am trying to do so quicklly. as you see tho there are a lot of potential resources....not as much so in maine where i am located!!

Kate

I wish to express my gratitude once again for everyone's responses. I just wanted to update my situation.

I have learned some additionally facts about my early childhood from my aunt, and she has offered any assistance that I may require. This is a major help. The things she told me were in line with what I expected: I was a "difficult child."

My late mother was distressed because I seemed unable to make friends and would not get reinvited to homes of children because I would not socialize. I would not eat anything other then Herr's brand potato chips. Apparently the difficulties with me had a serious effect on her. She did love me alot. (It is one of those things you wish you could do something about but you simply can't) The information helps give me additional perspective into my situation. I learned I skipped kindergarden due to my mother worried about me not making friends. She hoped I would make friends with the additional time but this, of course, did not happen. In fact, it is possible this had the unintentional effect of disrupting whatever friendships or (sort of) friendships I had developing at the time. This is easily said in retrospect, and I can't imagine what it was like for my mother (she later sadly committed suicide, although there are additional complications she had to deal with).

My father seems to still not understand at all. I spoke with him yesterday night, and asked him when I became interested in trains. He responded around "two or three." He said all I would talk about was trains and planes. I would tell him about them, and ask questions. I was excited when I went to the airport so I could see the planes take off (I still find this exciting, I also find it difficult not to watch the planes when they are flying overhead, I also find large birds and flocks of birds fascinating). Trains started with "Thomas the Tank Engine" I believe. I asked my father when I started watching it, he wasn't entirely sure. He said "1 or 2." I think then I got into riding old locomotives next and also had big picture books on trains. But this quickly was diverted into a hobby involving miniature locomotives. The first one I got was a Thomas the Tank Engine set I think. I started wanting to go visit sites with giant elaborate miniature train sets. Once we were going to this place with apparently the greatest miniature train set of all time (at least that was the build up as a child) but I was getting REALLY inpatient so when they my dad and grandparents said (probably in desperate reaction to my screaming): "Do you want to go to this museum of actual size trains (instead)?" I said sure, thinking we would go along to the miniature place anyway. When we didn't...well. I wasn't happy. Eventually I dropped trains and didn't get into them much again (except I still like models of things as long I don't like to build them, and I don't mind riding AMTRACK regional rail).

Next I got into Dinosaurs. I remember upbranding several people for suggesting the Brontesauris existed (just because it's in my coloring book doesn't make it real!), and not the Apatasaurus with a different dinosaur head. I went to the natural history museum many many times and was only interested in the room with the big fake T-Rex and despised being dragged around the rest of the place. I still like Dinosaurs although will only buy a dinosaur book if it's in the bargin section.

Well...what was I saying? YES! My point was I think my dad may be...well he said to me (essentially), "You were so great...Kids often like trains like that...You were so (smart/talkative) about it." It seems like he really wishes to place in the "normal" (in his eyes) category because it is difficult for him to imagine otherwise. Perhaps because it would mean he "failed" somehow, or perhaps it would bring up difficult past memories. I don't know. I'm not him. I don't want to be mean. I'm 23 (as of tomorrow) though now so I need to figure this (my own issues, not his) out regardless. I can forgive him for whatever mistakes he made so that is not an issue.

***

Kate, of course, you have been very helpful and I thank you again.

Jelly, thanks for the job tips. Right now it's difficult to think about a job, but at some point I am sure they will be useful.

To everyone else as well, I am most appeciative.