My girlfriend's mom is trying to put her in a group home

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I'm in a great relationship with a girl with Aspergers Syndrome, and we started talking recently about moving in. Her mother immediately went on a rampage about how she was going to have to petition to put her in a group home, unwillingly. My girlfriend has pretty successfully lived on her own for almost 2 years. And, this has been a threat that has been hanging over her head for almost 10 years. Her mother works in a hospital and has manipulated the doctors before to have her SSI checks given to her mother to be her payee. And I'm scared that this will happen again with the group home.

My girlfriend is VERY high functioning, and the only symptoms I really ever see are that she loves to do what she wants, and does everything in her power to procrastinate for what she doesn't want to do. She does have some minor social issues, and has had trouble holding a job down, also.

I love this girl a lot, and don't know what I could even do if she were put in a group home. Is there anything that we could do to try to fight back, before this all takes place? She set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, that helped with her diagnosis, and wants to see him to prove that she is fully capable of continuing to live on her own. I want to see her fight, but she is extremely naive and doesn't know what to do. I am a research fanatic and have done a lot of research into this topic, and don't seem to think that if the fight were fair, that she would be forced into a group home. Also, the research I find doesn't say how permanent the group homes are, are they forever? What would this do to our relationship?

I have never minded bending over backwards, and learning new relationship "tricks" that help our relationship and our love. I am going to fight this all the way, but don't even know where to begin. Someone please help!

Has she got a lawyer? You could really help her with the social part of fighting back; make the connections, make the appointments, make sure everybody understands each other. That way her Aspie clumsiness doesn't cause communication issues.

Looks like her mom is just basically trying to keep her from moving in with you. Seriously low-down rotten way of trying to prevent it, I think. She's an adult; she should make her own choices.

There was a similar question recently, from someone who was concerned that they might, themselves, be committed by family members. I'll give the same info as I did there. Note that this assumes you are in the US. Also note that I am neither a lawyer nor a medical professional - this is all a layman's understanding.

In most US states, any "competent" adult can go before the "appropriate authorities" (usually a court) and claim that someone needs to be involuntarily committed. Usually they have to swear that they believe the person to be a danger to themselves or others. They could also claim that the person is simply not of sound mind and requires institutionalization to protect them from themself. If they are able to convince the court that they have valid reasons for their claims, an order of involuntary commitment will be ordered for the person to be evaluated. This initial period is normally limited to three days. At that point, if the shrinks do not see the person as requiring institutionalization, they would be released. If they feel she is a danger to themself or others, they would be able to keep her there, although they may need another court order to do so (that would pretty much be a rubber stamp thing).

Having a recent evaluation by her shrink is probably a good thing. She should make the shrink aware of her concerns, and ask her about the process. Even though the shrink may not deal with commitments regularly, he/she should be familiar with the process and able to advise how it works. It might be a good idea to think about who else might be able to vouch for her mental stability and/or ability to care for herself - friends/coworkers/classmates/teachers/etc. Generally speaking, if she is committed for an extended period, it probably won't be in the same facility which does the initial evaluation, so they really don't have a reason (like money) to keep her if she doesn't need to stay.

For more detailed advice, it might be helpful if you told us at least what country you are located in.

Good luck!

Are you sure you don't have aspergers as well? You said yourself you're a "research fanatic" and the tone of your post indicates to me that this is more about you than it is her (sorry no offense)

You've told us how you don't want her to go into a group home, what does she want? If she's of legal age and as high functioning as you say, then her mother really has no grounds to do anything.

If she's of legal age, she can refuse to go to the group home unless there's a compelling reason - and I'm sure her mom has the connections to do so. At the least with SSI(I HATE being on it, I want to get a job), her mom will get the checks/direct deposit.

Get a lawyer that specializes in disability law.

You should help her get a lawyer. Her mum has no bloody right to do that to her.

Here's a bit of a more extreme idea, and it's RISKY. But it will give you something a bit more ironclad than what her mother has.

Get married.

Seriously, marry the poor girl, and THEN go before a lawyer and have papers drawn up giving you power of attorney.

This ASSUMES that you are a good and decent person and will allow her the freedom she deserves. But, for all practical purposes, it means you OWN her. This means that if she makes a poor judgment because she's naive, you can basically step in and nullify any mistakes she makes. So what I'm saying is if you manage to do this and you "own" her, you have a HUGE responsibility to take care of her with the understanding that she's a human being who, by necessity, is being denied basic freedoms. You will have to be constantly on guard to protect her and control any kind of external influences she may encounter so that she doesn't get tricked into doing something she doesn't want to do.

I don't know about group homes, but I do know a little something about psych wards. Before we got married, my wife was finishing up her psychology degree. She'd suffered mental and physical abuse for a couple of years with a truly evil bf and dismissed from two different nursing schools. Psych was more something she could fall back on. She also spent an hour every week with a therapist to deal with some of these emotional problems she'd had. So one day her therapist suggests she "visit" with a doctor at the local hospital, just for a "chat" to get a different "perspective." The guy asks her two or three questions and then locks her up. She completely disappeared for about a week and at one point sneaked out just long enough to call me and let me know what was going on.

Well, she's a psych student, for crying out loud! So she knows how to play the game and was out within a week. But it was still scary that they could do that. She's still friendly with her therapist, but I draw my own conclusions and I say the woman knew good and well what she was doing. Personally, I think it's a good idea for all psych majors to spend a week locked up with the crazies as a sort of "initiation" and understand what it's like on the inside. But my main point is that what "they" (whoever "they" happen to be) can get away with some really scary stuff.

It sounds to me like your gf is in a bad position in which she doesn't really have the basic rights that all of us are supposed to have. If her mom poses a threat, then there are steps you can take to deal with that. That's why I suggested getting married because that gives you a legal position that you don't have right now. Having "power of attorney" puts you in charge. And you need to start documenting evidence that mom is looney-tunes who is after free money. If there's any question as to the efficacy of that approach, check out the Terri Schiavo case in which her family fought to keep her alive but it was her HUSBAND'S decision to let her die. As I recall, that had a lot to do with spurring the "living will" movement, or at least increased awareness of it.

Yeah... Get married. Get power of attorney. Work out a living will. And if you want to be thorough, get a judge to sign a permanent injunction against the mother such that she can be arrested if she is so much as within the same city limits as her. All you have to do is go together to the courthouse and buy a license. They'll tell you where to go for blood tests, etc. After you take care of that, you'll probably have to wait three days or so. Once you get your license, get on the docket with your local JP and he'll sign it for you. You'll have plenty of people around who can sign as witnesses. You'll also get free entertainment while you wait, especially if you're lucky and there's a couple in court for a "domestic dispute." Otherwise you just get to see people try to talk down their traffic tickets.

It's not very romantic, but it gets the job done while keeping it QUIET. If mom has any reason to suspect what's going on, she might get her locked up and you'll never see her again.

Situations like this make me so angry. I actually recently wrote a research paper on involuntary commitment.

As the majority of people on her posted, there are no legal grounds whatsoever for her to be committed. So, I wouldn't worry about the possibility of that, especially since she's been living on her own for two years, and she's not a danger to herself or others. There's no way she will ever be committed. However, it is good for her to be prepared if her mother tries to do such a thing, which sounds like you're helping with. Generally, there are also free legal services which might be able to help if it gets to that point, but I don't think it will because there are no grounds for commitment at all....

What's upsetting is that she shouldn't have to do this, sounds like her mother is controlling...

Here's a radical thought.

Let her mom put her in the group home. They will quickly figure out that she doesn't belong there and advocate for her independence. She will get the expertise of people that actually work with lower functioning people and remove her mother's 'expertise' from the equation.

It's out of the box, and it might take a while to work itself out, but it might just work.

DO NOTHING.

Ignore the mom and just move in together. She can't do anything to an adult daughter without a court order.

First of all, it would be impossible to commit someone involuntarily based solely on high functioning aspergers. A judge would see a 'normal' young woman living with her boyfriend. If she could get a job, something basic like a barrista or grocery store clerk, that't be even better. It would further show she can take care of her own affairs.

Second, mom is just angry and she's bluffing. There's no way she'd hire a lawyer and drag herself and her daughter through the courts.

Finally, you two need to talk to SSI and have the checks sent to you.

Stop taking things so literally.

You = you two.

Do nothing = do nothing about the mom. Ignore her, move in and live successfully together, and she'll cool off.

Trust me, a judge won't commit a person unless they are talking to a sock puppet or stimming uncontrollably or have a history of suicide attempts.

If she can get a job, she doesn't need SSI. But I assume she's on SSI because she can't work--why else would she try to live on barely half of what a minimum wage job would get her? Of course, if she can work, she should; that would be a great way to get Mom's hooks out of her, if she can support herself. If she can't work, volunteering somewhere (basically work without pay) would also help prove that she can do things for herself.

Yes, getting married is an option; but if you are doing it as a precaution against her mom getting into her affairs, her mom does have the option of trying to get the marriage anulled because her daughter is incompetent to manage her own affairs (in this case "legally incompetent"=unable to understand and sign legal contracts, including the paperwork for marriage). But... well, are you two ready to get married? You did say you're moving in together; so you might as well be getting married.

How good is she at standing up for herself? Has she had her mom making her decisions all her life and had little practice?

Also: We're getting kind of tired of talking to you about her--can you bring her here so we can talk to her directly, please? Thanks...