Am I an aspie? Or just a freak of human nature? (Long)

Post Reply New Topic

As anyone would know by looking into my profile, I am an undiagnosed aspie. I have never been diagnosed as being one, though I have been told by a couple of professionals that I exhibit slight autistic tendencies, and an MSW working at a sliding-scale clinic recently told me, about a few years back, that I should look into an aspie group. She told me that I had enough symptoms to like benefit from something like that, however the clinic didn't have the resources to diagnose it. They focused more on emotional and psychological situations, and I was seeking help for rage control. At that time, I didn't think anything of it, until I came across this show on Lifetime, one of those medical shows, that was talking about it. I seemed to have fit many of those children while growing up. The thing is, however, that I don't know if I am truly an aspie or a freak of human nature, simply somebody whose differences can't be diagnosed because they don't fit current diagnostic criteria for anything! My problems are very disorganized, and so is my own thought patterns, to be blunt. Sometimes I can't help read so deeply into things, that I see my self as having symptoms that I don't believe I have when I think deeper about it. There are, however, concrete considerations on my behalf that make me sort of wonder.

1) BODY LANGUAGE: I don't typically understand body language, but I can look someone in the eye and speak to them as if I am engaging in a typical conversation. I feel awkward in initiating conversations in uncontrolled group settings, and I tend not to be at all interested in most NT activities. I don't like games too much, and I don't like overly social situations. I do, however, tend to be able to notice some body language. I know when someone throws his hands about when speaking that he may be relating some sort of concept to me. I use body language when I speak, too. Like, when I try to explain something, I tend to maneuver my arms and hands to certain rhythms of thought. I sometimes try to feel the experience of intra-personal information transferrence. This is not something that I generally do, but just something that I started to do on my own.

2) EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS: I can't easily communicate emotional connections with others, but that's because I don't feel things like NTs do. I don't have that sense of happiness or joy. I just get angry or excited, for the most part. I can get bored, but it's not an entirely common thing. In relationships, I tend to have a limited or flat affect. I tend to be serious in some situations, and I can be very stubborn and rigid. I don't respond well to advances of humor or love, and I tend to not even feel love, and I only accept humor on my own terms. I may laugh at what people are doing if I get excited, but I tend to approach most situations with a kind of seriousness that is above average. I have been known to take some acts of harmless 'teasing' quite personally.

3) LYING: I find it quite easily to lie, but not in a condescending sort of way. I have lied to break away from insults and trouble. I have lied to give impressions of myself as to make myself fit in. I have also lied in sort of a humorous way to see what people's reactions might be. I have had some conduct problems, but not in a way that makes me disrepectful of others' rights. I have on occasions had impulses to steal, and one time I did so due to a deep obsession. I have stolen on other occasions from a couple of family members, because I was too afraid to ask for a bit of money and be told 'no.' I also don't like to get into discussions from my parents about how I need to work and so forth, because I am actually looking for a job, so I have stolen a few dollars here and there when needed. My parents tend to wipe it off, and usually I steal very little that they don't even notice it's gone.

4) A KEEN SENSE OF DIRECTION: Aspies are not supposed to have a keen sense of direction, from what I hear. They are sort of supposed to get lost more often. Yet, I drive, and my sense of direction is far above average. I hardly ever get lost, and I find a lot of ways to avoid traffic pile-ups using side roads. Some people have expressed this to me: "How do you find all these routes?" I can read maps with effective ease. I just don't forget where north, south, east and west are. I know where borders are. I tend to know that most roads are laid out in squares, so I know that I am not going to get lost within certain areas because I will always come out in an area that I am familiar with.

5) ASPIES AND NVLD: I have impressed with a non-verbal learning disability in one report, primarily because I struggle horribly at things like word problems and applying concepts. However, I second guess this, and I know aspies are supposed to have NVLD. This part is confusing: one report states that aspies may have CAPD, which is supposed to interfere with auditory processing. Yet, most reports say that AS and NVLD are extremely similar. I have problems with understanding verbal directions, which I imagine rules out NVLD. When I receive a verbal instruction, I try to picture the process in my mind. If I can't effectively do that, then I must rely on figuring out myself. Because I try to think and visualize the process, I tend to have trouble paying attention to the order of instructions. I am not entirely sensitive to loud noise, however, so I imagine that CAPD probably isn't accurate.

6) THINKING IN PICTURES: Though I consider myself visually inclined, I don't think in pictures the same way that someone like Temple Grandin does. I remember more visual details than auditory details, but I can remember conversation pieces with ease. I also don't have to replay videos in my mind like many people who think this way do. I can think by association, and I do imagine that I can think linguistically, as well. It's just that there are some instances where thinking linguistically is harder, and it seemed to have caused some problems. I have trouble picturing and reading at the same time, hence reading comprehension became a bit troublesome for me, enough that I needed to be placed in a special-ed type of setting. I have to visualize to comprehend tasks that require problem-solving skills. Reading novels and fully understanding them is almost impossible for me. I have had to cheat in school on one occasion to make sure I passed a course, because there was one course where this was required.

7) MULTITASKING: Well, I drive. Many aspies seem to complain that driving can be accomplished but is generally a painful task. Now, that should rule me out. I drive with ease, and it didn't take me long to learn the ropes. I don't have much of a problem in visualizing distances when driving. I tend to be quite above average in this regard, and that's supposed to be not aspie. I also tend to avoid manual cars, because I believe that may be more confusing, but I don't have to pre-plan routes when I drive. I just drive on instinct. I don't even pay attention to the direction when I plan on going somewhere, at least not utterly consciously as I heard some aspies do. It's so natural to me.

SENSORY ISSUES: Now, I consider myself hyper-sensitive, but not in the same manner as many aspies. I don't really feel that I have any problem with overload. I have had very few instances where this was possible, but I believe NTs would have overloaded under those circumstances. I don't hear things painfully loud, but I am acutely aware regarding all of my senses. I tend to process information in this manner, paying attention to everything, even things I don't need to worry about. I find it's because I get bored in many social situations, and I start dwelling on the shapes of objects, the layout of the room, etc... I fidget with a lot of stuff. I tend to stim quite a bit in this manner. The only sense that I can say that will put me over the top is the taste and smell.

9) FEELING OTHERS' EMOTIONS: Aspies are not supposed to be able to feel others' emotions. Well, that would rule me out. Why? Because I do, and I tend to do it regarding negative emotions. I am hypersensitive to others' voice intonations, and I have read that aspies aren't supposed to understand voice intonations. I can tell others' moods almost instinctively by the way they speak, all though I do have to know their original tone of voice to do this. In this manner, I am quite auditorally sensitive. It's not that I can remember the sound of their voice, but I notice slight fluctations. I can't even say how I do this, but I do. Expression of emotion in body language does not phase me at all, but I can notice when someone is angry by certain wrinkles in their face and the clutching of lips and so forth. But tone of voice has more of an impact on me than anything. I can't feel or see happiness or joy, however. I seem to only be aware of negative emotions that may cause me to react explosively, so I know what and what not to avoid. I tend to assume that everyone is happy when they are not angry, and so forth.

10) SLANG, IDIOMS, METAPHORS, ETC: I can't understand jokes too well and I think rigid and quite literally. However, from what I have read, aspies are supposed to be quite stupid in this regard. For example, tell one to "jump in the lake," and they may well be expected to do such a thing, literally. If someone told me that, I would think right away that the person is simply an arrogant and sarcastic idiot. I have, however, misread some minor forms of 'teasing,' which I tend to know to be teasing, but I tend to get this notion that some people just don't care how they treat me, even with people I like. I take things very personally, and can hold a lot inside until I explode. As far as understand slang, that's not a problem, so long as I've heard it. Idioms? Not much a problem, and neither is metaphors. I tend not to use metaphors as much as I do hypotheticals, but aspies are not supposed to engage in hypotheticals either, from what I've read.

- Ray M -

Some of the stuff you quote, especially ther Grandin example, is less Aspie than HFA - in which I see a difference in kind as well as degree. I'm very verbal and struggled with numbers until I got it (after whcih I was fine) and do NOT think in pictures.

And flat affect is congruent with depression, and who among us isn't depressed?

Sorry, you sound like someone with Aspergers / autism to me. Maybe you should just try to except it and get yourself diagnosed. No Autist is completly like the other and non of us with Asperger has every symptom belonging to the syndrom. You can have Aspergers but just not as severe a level as others.

A lot of that sounds like me; I still consider myself an aspie. Some of it is completely opposite too though.

Regarding pitch and intonation: At times my siblings have this way of speaking where their voices rise and fall sharply; it grates on my nerves fiercely. To me, it signifies anger, but on the last known instance, I cant see any reason for my brother to be angry. He was talking about his fishing hobby.

Or maybe he had some reason to be angry and I just couldnt see it; that would be aspie too.

So you see, you cant expect to narrow somethings down, because you might be fighting two or more limitations at once. Depending on your place on the scale, you might get some body language, or might misinterprete it too. Thats about where I fit.

Yeah, you know, in some ways I feel hardly Aspie at all, some traits I don't even have or barely at all, but meanwhile some other ones saverely affect me. You may have high functioning AS, as I do. Hell I mean, in some ways, I feel like I'm not Aspie, and I'm still struggling trying to come to terms that I'm just not like other people and I won't fit in right, and I'm coping trying to accept it, that I have a disability.... But it doesn't have to be a bad thing, it can be a gift in some ways too. I think its a mixed blessing for me, but a little too much on the 'curse' side of things than I would like...

You may also notice something else. Look back on your childhood, your teens, and now. Have you noticed that maybe some traits you did used to have, or had it more saverely than you do now? My difference used to be PAINFULLY obvious. I was alot more disabled when I was younger. You may notice that getting older, helps you learn what is acceptable and whats not, and you naturally get a bit better and better at socialising, so it isn't nearly as bad anymore, etc. For instance I used to be really bad with not getting jokes, and taking stuff too seriously and literally. Now I am pretty much the exact opposite! I still sometimes don't quite understand a unfamiliar medafore or a new joke, but everyone does once in a while. So I feel good about that. I used to make my obsessions really obvious as well, and talk about them too much. But now I am so much more secretive in person, and even on the internet I won't talk about my interests unless I can see that the other person wants to learn more, and then I'm happy to share it with them (at that point I may become a chatter box, but its so much more improved than when I was a young teen and a kid).

So you probably do have AS. Just not all of the traits, or as saverely, etc. It may partly be due to being not as disabled with it, and part of it is just growing up and getting accustomed to how other people are and how to fit in better. But this is also easier for higher functioning AS people to do than more savere AS people. It's kinda interesting to think that this person whome I totally clashed with, who had AS - she was so completely different than me, as different to me as NTs are really, and yet we have the same thing? So you start to wonder if maybe you don't have it. But, it comes in various degrees and you can determine how much and in how many ways it affects your life.

its suprising how much you think you can understand and infact how much you do understand.

For example, i thought i got body language untill i asked somone to reflect back to me what they thought. I showed them the body article on here and they said a deffent floppy fish. At the same time, i though i had facial expression and stuff down to a tea recently, then i started speaking to somone about it and they said i was missing lots of it, while i was talking to them about it they said they had been pulling all sorts of faces, and i had not noticed.

not all aspies are the same, and from what i have read of your posts here you seem quite aspie, and even if you are not. You fit well here and so i would consider you a great member.

As for being a freak of human nature. don't worry about it i feel like that all the time.

jammie

This is my very first post here and upon reading the OP, I felt like he was describing me!! ! I want to cry but at the same time it's somewhat of a relief! There are so many mixed emotions and I want to get an official diagnosis of what I already know of myself.

I do feel like the odd woman out and feel badly for my family. Here I am, mom of 4 kids, my oldest being Aspie herself and helping her adjust and I am also Aspie. Go figure. LOL

From everything I know of my own DD and myself, it sounds to me like the OP is Aspie, as there are varying degree's and no "one" text book case of Asperger's. KWIM?