Question about meltdowns

Post Reply New Topic

Hi. I'm the parent of a 10 yr old Aspergers boy. Over the last year I have noticed a pattern of behaviour, where about once every 6-8 weeks he displays more agitated behaviour which eventually ends up in a meltdown . . . and then he seems a lot calmer. What I am trying to work out is whether a meltdown is completely unavoidable, and whether it actually "helps" in terms of releasing frustration . . . or whether I should still be trying to work really hard on reducing the triggers and agitated behaviour so that we avoid the meltdown. The agitated behaviour tends to occur well into a school term or in the holidays . . . never really at the start of a school term. I'd be interested in how others feel about the role of meltdowns - should you avoid them at all costs . . . or do they actually help?

It really depends on the trigger....if i am extremely frustrated with someone and it triggers a meltdown, i am likely to resent the person for a while and avoid him or her. if it is sensory or otherwise, well it's always best to avoid them, because they are still hard to recover from...and to me, meltdowns are hurtful. I just wish i could keep my emotions level at all times and just feel good and happy, isn't it what everybody wants? the ones that you can prevent, do your best to prevent them. If there is nothing you can do, well let him cool down and when he's better, offer a hug. My husband is the best for these after-meltdown hugs
Of course he will feel a little bit better after than before, and maybe even start feeling ridiculous for overreacting, so what you could do is break it down for him. try to spot the trigger and tell him that if this is indeed what triggered him, for example too many noises from different sources or the tag of a shirt or water in his eyes or somebody hurting his feelings, he can now remember this and do his best to learn to deal with the situation in a timely manner, before it is too late that is. Remove himself from the noise, change shirts, learn a new way to wash his hair, walk away from the annoying person.
I don't think meltdowns are good for anything else than learning where they come from and how to avoid a future occurence...

edit: just remembered after my rant that your son's meltdowns are triggered by school fatigue....is there no way he could rest at home for a few days before the end of each term? can you discuss it with the school? if he is diagnosed that may be possible, or even having half days from the middle of the term on...of course if you work it might be tricky....

I dont think my meltdowns ever really help me. As a kid I would throw tantrums and my parents and siblings made me realize they are not acceptable. Sometimes I think they are unavoidable and a nuisance. If you can talk to your child and just get him to realize that displays like that are not acceptable to others he might reduce them or learn to retreat if he feels one coming on.

When I was a kid I needed an outlet for the physical manifestations of my emotional and psychological frustration. "Melting down" was a last resort and it certainly made me feel better afterwards, but the relief was tinged with embarrassment and feelings of inadequacy.

The best outlet for me was time spent on my interests in solitude. Nothing has ever been better for me than alone time. Only when forced to interact would I eventually resort to a meltdown.

The meltdowns I had just happen, with a reason that
if someone is mean to me I have a reactions and scream
and throw things and hit things off the shelfs.

I don't know if they "help", but I cannot stop them
when someone triggers me, and I avoid them after
that. I won't work with them, I won't talk to them,
and probably frustrates others when that happens
but I think its better than having another attack
and scaring the stools out of them.

My best bet is to avoid trubble.

Avoid
Avoid
Avoid

Ignoring meltdowns can give you serious health consequences. I always feel better if I get them out, usually away from people.
I have periods of being ok then over time the anger builds up and I just explode. Actually it builds up only a few hours of stress than I can blow up.

I think you need to try and find the triggers and work a way of reducing them.
With me I can't ignore sensory issues otherwise I would be confined to my house.
But my anger meltdowns are triggered by what people have said about me or how they have treated me. Or just the stress of everyday things in life.

Have you tried asking your boy what's making him so angry? I know at 10 he may have a problem articulating such personal feelings, but it's worth a try.

Thanks for the feedback so far. Perhaps I need to ask him how a meltdown makes him feel - better or worse.

I hare having meltdowns, as I always feel ashamed afterwards.
Sounds like he is getting overwhelmed at school and during holidays. It is possible that he can have some wind down time in between classes where he can just go an be by himself for a while, or even so during class. At the end of the semester, the teacher tries to cram so much information in the kids heads that it can be overwhelming and maybe every 30 minutes he can take 5 minutes out to relax and decompress.
Same thing with holiday get togethers, dont force him to socialize if he doesn't want to, instead set him up some projects he can do by himself while everyone is socializing and if he wants to join then he can, but dont make him.

If you want to explore other options with me, just pm me,

Jojo

Once you find out what is triggering these meltdowns then you can help him deal with stress.
Look into cognitive behavioral therapy. There may be specialists that can help autistics kids too.
CBT helps me and also just telling myself not to get bothered by what people say.
Also spending time on my interests decreases the need to melt down.

My AS son used to have meltdowns all the time. Daily.

Ignoring them, IMHO, is the worst thing you can do. Over reacting is just as bad.

I found over the years, trying many different approaches, that the most effective approach was to acknowledge how he feels (usually an aversion to some activity or other), but refusing to give in to simply allowing him to avoid the situation. Arm around shoulder, steering him gently, but FIRMLY toward the problem, all the while agreeing with him when he says, "I'm NOT going to do this! I'm NOT getting in the car! I'm NOT going into the store."

"Yes, I know you don't want to do it, but I'm going in, and I CANNOT leave you out here alone. I would be arrested for neglect, and I am NOT going to jail."

It took years. Now, he's twelve (almost thirteen), and I can't remember the last time he had a meltdown.

Everything else we tried only either made the situation worse immediately, or entrenched in him the idea that if he dug his heels in long enough, he would get his way.

Yes, it took a VERY long time for him to finally realize that even if he didn't want to, what needed to happen, WOULD happen anyway. AS doesn't mean you can't learn cause and effect. It just means it might take a really long time to accept it.

We had a LOT of episodes in public that would embarrass a lot of parents. You really need to learn not to give a crap what anyone else thinks. They do not know your child. You do. I have, more than once, had to escort him out of stores using a hand hold I learned from the police. In the right position, behind his back, you can steer a child with very little force. It only hurts if he fights it. Oh yeah! He quite often tried to make a scene, hoping to attract attention, and he did attract unwanted attention more than once, but we stuck to our guns, ready to deal with anyone who may have viewed it as abuse (it isn't, the cops do this all the time with uncooperative people ~ as I said, it only hurts if you fight it ~ and it doesn't require a lot of effort if it's done right). I've actually used the method right in front of case workers here at home, and have been complimented on it's effectiveness, and been told it was precisely the right way to handle the situations they saw develop at home, as well as in public.

When they occur well into a school term, is there a chance that he's reacting to cumulative overload over time? When I had to do schoolwork, I had to work in a method of thinking that was completely foreign to my brain. I had frequent meltdowns because I was trying to function in a way that wasn't feasible in the long run. And then eventually I just crashed and never recovered that level of academic skill. I think I would have done better with less pressure to perform, and less assumption that I could handle that way of thinking and didn't need frequent breaks. Of course, what was good for me could bore another person to tears, so I'm just throwing it out there as a suggestion.

That sort of approach only works if the purpose of the meltdown is to "get one's way". That's never been the purpose of mine (they don't have a "purpose" like that, actually, at all), they're reactions to overload. Being pushed further into overload never helped any (which should be obvious, but when people think of these things as a means to some kind of goal, it slips their mind that it can be anything else).

I just had one .

I am tortured by this life. I'm so confused by all interaction I am never ok dealing with people. I am very passive when I am around people, trying to figure out how they communicate who they are. It is a conscious effort to get it right. I think they sense it and have a tendency to bark all their likes, dislikes, annoyances, idiosyncracies and I listen and store it away. They can say they don't mean something one way but they already told me the truth and now the bark is pointed at me. Most of the time I am just sitting there doing nothing and available to take it out on. It builds up inside me and I overflow. I am so tired of people and their ways they get what they want. The more I give them what they want the worse I get treated. It is like I have a sign on my forehead, 'you can tell me what to do.'

Having AS doesn't mean anything to anyone. They couldn't care less. Anything about me that affects the quality of my life they couldn't care less about unless it keeps me from doing whatever they wish I could do.

I'm extra depressed and sad today. I don't want to live like this much longer.

@alone

You can do this, we all can! One thing we all do well is persevere and survive - sticking together is key.

I too am having a meltdown day and lost my crap with my 4 year old Aspie son... nothing makes me feel worse - especially when my NT husband is there to witness it. I am recovering in the quiet of my room and saw your post.

When the sun does decide to shine, it shines brightest for us.

Hang in there.