Theres gotta be something else going on with me

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Hey, I have been diagnosed with Aspergers and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but I think I've got some more severe problems that haven't been addressed.

I spend every day in a complete mental haze, it's so bad that I cannot even recall a sentence that was just said to me. I try really hard to focus, but it's like my mind is trying so hard to listen that I forget to listen (if that makes any sense at all). Just writing this is extremely difficult because I'm constantly juggling thoughts in my head, and I forget what I'm doing every minute or two. This "problem" is making me a total recluse. I'm so ashamed that I cannot communicate with anyone, that I avoid contact all together. I was never this dysfunctional in the past, and I know this is true because my family thinks I'm putting on a "pity act".

I KNOW I have depression that is getting worse with everyday, but I'm pretty sure the isolation is causing this. I spend most of the night every night contemplating suicide. I'm always on the lookout for a way to become terminally ill, so that I can die with out the repercussions associated with suicide. Life is a burden to me, and even though I got It really good with great family support, I cannot help but to hate the fact that I'm still alive with out a purpose.

80% of the time I fell like I'm looking at the world through someone else, it's a really odd feeling. It's like my body isn't mine and the world around me isn't here. Everything that happens just seems to happen, and I don't feel connected emotionally to anything because it doesn't feel real. Right now it feels like I'm watching someone else type on a computer, everything looks so out of place or alien to me, even though it's the same room, same computer, same couch, same everything! I know aspies tend to "zone-out" into their own world, for me it's like I'm not here at all. Basically everything is just starting to loose it's ability to seem real, including my entire life.

I find it extremely difficult to sleep with-out drugs or alcohol, which I have been staying away from lately, I was pretty hard into opiates for a few years, but have been clean for over a year, so I know drugs are not an issue here. I am prescribed adderall, which was a miracle drug for me that I took daily for two years. It stopped me from procrastinating and pushed though my insecurities, making socializing and functioning possible. I now longer take it because I felt like it was doing my body and mind more harm then good, because I started becoming really exhausted.

Also I've been REALLY cranky. I cannot stress enough how much this is starting to become a major problem. I will just snap, without warning over the littlest things: like loosing something or finding something that got chewed up by the dog. I loose my ability to control my anger and have gotten into fights because of this. I will say really harmful things to people I love and later feel absolutely horrible about the things I said did. The scariest part is sometimes when I've get into really bad fights (physical or verbal), I black out and cannot remember anything from a certain time frame during the fight. This freaks me out because I have really hurt people in fights before and not remembered a single thing from the fight. I feel like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and it scares me.

Can anybody relate to feeling like this?

Thanks for reading everyone

I've only experienced shades of what you describe as a part of depression (and especially from isolation), but it sounds like it fits neatly within depersonalization disorder. It causes brain fog and the feeling that you're watching yourself from outside. It can also cause you to blank out when you're stressed ("dissociative fugue"). I don't know what can be done for it, though, besides the tired triad of exercise and lifestyle change, formal therapy, and medication. I imagine that withdrawal from Adderall could be contributing to the mental haze if you discontinued it recently. It might be worth carefully trying more of it or similar stimulants just to regain some mental clarity, if you think the chances outweigh the effects it was having on you.

You could have any of a number of things going on.

I can relate to all of the above when I am keeping a regular schedule, like during a school semester. In my case, they are all symptoms of sleep depression because I have a neurological circadian rhythm sleep disorder called non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-24-hou ... e_syndrome)

To show what my body's natural rhythm is, check out my sleep chart. I dropped all but one of my classes right at the beginning of the chart so you'll see a really long sleep which is my body acting in relief from several months of sleep deprivation, then a really choppy part as my body struggled against the abuse of chronic sleep deprivation to regain its normal rhythm, then, around the first of December, my body finally "finds itself" again and you can see my true circadian rhythm for the rest of the chart.

http://www.medhelp.org/user_trackers/show/363704

I'm working with doctors to treat and/or document my condition because it's really affecting my health negatively and I don't know if I'll be able to finish my degree or not. When my disorder started to worsen, at first I thought I was going through autistic burn-out because everything I was feeling and experiencing felt like the descriptions I'd read of it. But it turns out I "only" have severe and chronic sleep deprivation.

And I don't actually have insomnia but I get the "impression" of insomnia when I try to sleep at night before classes but my body's circadian rhythm thinks it's daytime. It's the equivalent of a person with a normal circadian rhythm trying to lay down for a good night's sleep at noon. That would look like insomnia, too.

Here's the effects of chronic sleep deprivation:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_deprivation

I'm not saying that's what you have, but your symptoms sure sound like mine!

Another circadian disorder that can look like insomnia but really isn't is Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. That's a person who has a regular 24-hour clock but it's shifted so their body doesn't want to go to sleep until late - like 2 am for example - and wants to sleep late as well.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sl ... e_syndrome

. . . so, you could just have a combination of executive function difficulties, irritability from stress or somethig else, feelings of dissociation from some other disorder, etc.

Or it could all be explained by a sleep disorder. Something to look into, maybe?