relationships and meltdowns

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Hi there, I am in a long term relationship with an NT and we recently found out about my diagnosis. She at first understood and i hoped our arguments would stop. For a month there things were great, she understood when i needed my space, this has all stopped again.

Now she often interrupts my routines and gets offended and yells at me when i ask her to go. She yells at me alot, and she says it isnt yelling, that its my autism--but it feels like yelling

Then she will deny any wrong doing and ask me to explain what I did. at thispoint I am having a meltdown b/c she is not even admitting how she just treated me and I want to be alone.

I ask her to leave, which she often doesn't do, she will continue to yell at me telling she hasnt done anything or asking me to "prove" what she did. I plug my ears and rock and sob and go full meltdown and this only seems to make her yell more. It's starting to feel like she knows very well what she is doing and chooses to do it anyway.

Just now she came into the room to sleep, I wasnt tired so i said i'd go to the livingroom, when i got up I said night and she snapped at me and said WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS, and i just walked out bc i felt it was really rude and mean and for no reason. She then came into the livingroom and acted cursed at me, left and came back a few minutes later like nothing had happened and asked nicely for a kiss. So kissed her and i said "see all you have to do is ask nicely" to which she muttered curse words and said "jesus christ what is with you" and stormed off.

This made me feel like crying immediately. I was out there to do some painting, which i love, and I just couldnt paint anymore, i felt tears rushing to my eyes and felt deflated....

I went into the room to sleep and she acted NICE AGAIN and when i refused to speak she began yelling again and into a meltdown i went.

She very often does this till I am sobbing then finally leaves me alone. She will come back about 20-30 mins laer and apologize and demand an apology from me. Im still mid-meltdown so i say no and to leave me alone--to which she begins yelling at me AGAIN and my meltdown gets WAY WAY out of hand, like head banging and lots of hitting myself.

I love her but i seriously cannot do this much longer.I hate having meltdowns and I feel she is trigger happy with it. like she knows what will bring them on and does it and then blames me for it, then apologizes, then blames me for not apologizing....this could just be my lacking theory of mind tho and thinking she is doing it on purpose when she isnt...it's hard to imagine she isnt

when i ask her later why she would do xyz hurtful vindictive thing, she says she didnt realize it would hurt me. i say thats ridiculous and she admits and says "i didnt realize it would hurt you THAT much" so she is basically admitting to purposefully trying to hurt me.

most of the time she does this in revenge to me doing something i didnt mean to offend her by, like asking for private time, or asking her not to speak while i try to focus on something i was finishing or doing, or having to leave the room because of my hearing issues with eating and spit sounds--i try my best to be as nice but as honest as i can. Ill often ask her to brush her teeth bc they have a terrible stench if kissing and this type of thing makes her hurl insults at me and ends with me in a ball of sob

Help?

and she will often demand to speak to me when im in a meltdown and TOUCH ME all over, this makes it worse, ive told her countless times. She doesnt stop tho no matter how many times i ask to be alone she says JUST TALK TO ME in this horrible hoarse tone that is also kind of bored, like my meltdowns are an annoyance to her--which i dont think she gets how extremely painful they are--she just thinks of it more like a kid tantrum, not the sheer unforgiving force of misery and pain that it is.

She sounds manipulative. If you tell her that some things you're meant to do in a relationship (kiss her) don't always occur to you to do them and that the way she's treating you hurts you, and she still won't change, she's not worth it.
It sounds like she's the one that needs help.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I totally sympathize with you. I recently when through the same thing and basically it took me 3 months to end our relationship, but I finally did it. I could no longer take the abuse. Whether it was intentional or not, I will never know. However, I do also believe she is manipulating you for her own instant gratification. It sounds to me that she needs to do a better job of respecting you and your space.

I recently when through the same kind of relationship. From Feb to November, so about 10 months.

It kept being that I'd explain she hurt me, she apologized, be nice for a few weeks, then start it all over again.

I say get out of there. Or you're going to go through a lot of tough times.

Kick her in the crotch. That should get her attention.

Or just leave her. That works too. (My solution to everything is a kick in the crotch)

That's one of the reasons that I wish to avoid relationships.

i've kind of gone through something like this...

You did something to offend her, so she tries to get equal.... Seems that your girlfriend doesn't really want to hurt you per se, but when people get emotional, they will hurl anything at you that they know will hurt you back.

when it is all said and done, then there will be apologies, but during the fight, all she wants to do is make you feel like she is feeling.... probably like she isnt good enough... nothing she does is right....



imagine how you feel in the world (different, alone, outcast, unwanted)... THAT is how she feels with you.


if both of you cant understand the triggers of the fights, then i would say move along....
Because there are some people who can cope with people on the spectrum in their relationships, and some people can not.