I go fishing. How do I reel them in?

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According to my Family Life professor, the older you get (post-college), the harder it is to find a mate. And if you do, the less time the wife has to safely have children. Thus, college is the ideal time to meet your future spouse.

Makes sense. I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions, but that’s the ideal.

That said, before marriage comes dating. Therein lies my problem.

I’m great at talking to female friends on facebook or email…not so much in real life.

This is even if I’m not trying to flirt (I have the same social skills problems with males, though females are more difficult).

I’m in college and have occasion to meet plenty of girls. However, it has been a very long time since it has gone from attraction to relationship.

I have a hard enough time being able to develop and maintain friendships, but dating…oh boy.

The couple of people I have connected with, I get to know more and they just turn out to be annoying…too annoying to deal with.

In any case, can those of you who are in a relationship with an NT of the opposite gender discuss 1. You’re challenges 2. Suggestions (actually anyone can chime in on the suggestions part).

This post is not so much about getting married, but rather how steps to take to find a girlfriend despite poor social skills. And once the relationship has begun, how to deal with it despite the challenges of aspergers.

Last edited by jumanji on 29 Dec 2010, 1:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have been married to an NT going on 5 years now. It helps not to refer to them as fish

You need to find a person who finds your quirks endearing and has the patience of a saint. In my opinion, you can't really go out "fishing" for this person as the lake is too big and that particular approach is incorrect. I was best friends with my wife before we ever began dating. I don't see how any healthy marriage can begin any other way, NT or AS.

If you try and place a time line on it you are automatically screwed. Your biological clock is NOT a good reason to marry someone. I did this with my first wife - I felt that at my age I should be at a certain place in a relationship so I blindly went into something that I knew was wrong from the very beginning. I speak from experience when I say that you are better off single for all your life than married to the wrong person, and deciding to get married because some professor told you now is the time is the epitome of bad judgment.

Thanks for the comments especially so quickly.

I also think dating around helps in addition to the best friend approach.

Plus, I'm wanting to have someone to go with parties and things to.

It's not all about marriage right now, but I want to get myself going and make sure I have the skills I'll need to not push that patient person over the edge when I do meet her.

Keep the comments going.

Keep the comments coming

same thread, same advice
people will get to it eventually

I'm not sure that I understand what you mean.

takes a lot of trial and error to find someone caring and such these days.
just keep getting back on the horse.
advice which has worked for me and now i've found someone perfect and willing to put up with my massive flaws.

I'm saying this as a person who met his wife during the college years (though not at college), so it worked for me (12 years now), but I would say in general that a better age is post college, say 26-27. This gets you out of college, gets you a few years to experiment around, sow your wild oats, and mature a bit as a person with some complete freedom, with plenty of time to get kids going.

When you marry, especially too early, you run into things like the 7 year itch (basically, getting bored) from not having experienced enough other people. Relationships also run into some serious turbulence in general within that time frame -- family stress, work, etc. -- you may be better equipped to handle it in your 30s, especially if you already have a house and are committed, vs. your late 20s.

Thanks. Again, I'm not really talking so much about marriage, but dating here. I just mentioned the age and children thing because before I can get married, I'd need to date. But I'm only worried finding someone to date at the moement.

then go and do something about it.

my best advice is to keep trying. i had some failures and rejections prior to success. i don't really think there is an ideal age for marriage, unless you want to have biological children. there are pros and cons to any age really.

The entire point of this post is to figure out exactly what to do and how to go about doing it.

This question has probably been posed hundreds of times on WP. There is no formula to make a woman pay attention to you. Why is it that Aspies seem so hellbent on the idea that there is? Do you really believe someone is going to hand you a playbook? That there are magic words or a 1-900 number where you can dial up a "date"? People are giving you perfectly fair advice. Women are people, not fish. You can't train them, you can't trick them, you can't follow a set of instructions that will help you get lucky. The situation is much more complicated than you seem willing to accept. Go out there, be yourself, and if you are very lucky you will cross paths with someone who can stand to be around you long-term. It's all any of us can do or hope for.

QFT+1.

I'll go +2
though these threads won't stop...

Well yes, because it is the L&D forum, and people are going to ask L&D questions, without digging through the thousands of posts here -- that's why people like me will continue to repeat themselves, patiently.

You have to figure, for most guys, not just Aspies, the #1 question on any dating forum will be "How do I get a girlfriend?"

It's not an easy question to ask, or to answer -- we offer advice, and hope that people follow it.

What would you prefer they ask? Questions about the weather? Favorite sports teams?