Hey everyone I'm a proud Aspie's Dad and I have a question.

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Hello everyone. First of all I am thrilled to be here because I see the potential for this to be a wealth of insight and knowledge into AS and how its dealt with on the personal level away from the doctors and school officials.

A little background.

My 9 year old stud of a son Cristian has Aspergers Syndrome. We were brought into school three years ago to discuss certain topics with the school administrators. I was immediately put off because they wanted both of us there, it was a new school year (he has year round school) and we had to leave him in the office sitting on a chair because it was a wee bit early for him to go to class and we had no sitter that early. My son kept coming to the window with such a scared look on his little face that it broke my heart and put me in a very bad mood. I hate my son to be in any type of stressful situation and watching his little eyes well up with tears because he thought he was in trouble really upset me. I had to get up three different times, tell him I loved him and that he wasn't in trouble. As the meeting went on I became offended that a room full of women were dogging my boy. I am a very protective father and treat my son like a prince. Since he was born I have adored him and always spent tons of time with him. So in this little meeting there was a room full of women telling me that there was something "not right" with the most important person in my world next to my wife. After pretty much arguing with them that he was fine they hit me with it; "We think he may have 'autistic tendencies', possibly Asperger Syndrome"

The words hit me like a Mack truck. I was familiar with the term "autistic" but had no clue what Aspergers was but the term autistic scared me to death. My godson is autistic but I was ignorant to Aspergers. I felt deflated and mad. Not mad at my son or his possible condition but mad that these people were labelling my beautiful child and trying to pigeon hole him. My anger originated from experiences from my own background. When I was in fifth grade I was labelled as "emotionally unstable" due to my bad temper. Well I got picked on a lot. I was chubby and awkward as a 4th and 5th grader and even though I was twice the size of my classmates I was called "fat ass" and "tubo" and eventually it would get to me and I would lash out and fight back with my fists. I was a very sad little boy those days and eventually my school work suffered for it. So they put me in this "group" that met three times a week with other "EU" kids. It was a very demeaning experience. Finally in 6th grade my teacher noticed that I was finishing my schoolwork before my classmates and then proceeded to screw around and get in trouble. She nipped it in the bud, gave me books to read like "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and eventually had me tested. Result? 160 IQ. I went from "EU" to G.A.T.E. which to this day I find pretty funny. For two years teachers were treating me like I was dumb and out of control and the one in 6th grade realized that I was neither and had potential. So when they hit me with this news twenty one years later with my own son it brought those feelings back and I loudly voiced my concerns to these women that maybe they were rushing to judgement because my son was different. I became a bit hostile and told them my story. I finally calmed down with the help of my wife and agreed to have my son evaluated.

We took him to Melmed Center in Phoenix and the diagnosis was made that my son has Asperger's. Dr. Ruggiero described it as a "sprinkle" of the disorder based on his observation of my son. He reassured us that my little man was going to be okay and that we just had to adjust to the fact that our son does not see the world as we do. It all began to make sense why my son does not like loud noises, why he likes his routines, why he was not interested in his peers and was obsessed with trains and bugs. Dr. Ruggiero liked that my son was a very healthy boy with no major health issues since he was born and displayed a limited social interaction. Dr. Ruggiero opined that with his IEPs and staying in public school that Cristian will thrive and develop and live a mostly normal life. We were told that with training and encouragement he can learn to eventually communicate like a NT.

Cristian is now in 4th grade and is a wonderful child. I feel blessed and lucky to be his dad. He is my hero. I know he sees the world differently and that each day it's a challenge for him but he's an excellent student, his teachers love him and rave about how smart he is and his aide is pleased with his "improvement" in social interactions. I love the fact that he just goes about his business and never complains except when it's time for bed or homework. He is like I was in that he is almost 5 feet tall and only 9 and is twice the size of his classmates but, unlike me, he is very stocky but not overweight. He is very handsome as people are constantly gushing (much to his dislike) how cute he is with is deep blue eyes. My Cristian is just not a social kid; he doesn't need the NT kids at all for him to be happy. We used to get bummed out because he has no friends and that no one comes over to play with him but then I realized that my wife and I are his friends. We're his buddies that pal around with him. We play Guitar Hero, we wrestle, chase each other around the house and do Beavis and Butthead (much to my wife's chagrin). Every other weekend I take him bowling (he is a 110 bowler with no bumpers) and we do a lot of family stuff together like go to Six Flags, Legoland, etc. I realize that my son doesn't need NT friends and so long as he doesn't mention it I am assuming he's good to go because he is a very opinionated child. He tells me what to do! I think that once parents of Aspies accept that their child thinks and sees on a level they can never get (because they're not smart enough) they will see their children for the unique treasures they are. I am proud of my Aspie. He is teaching me to be better because he really works hard to be better. Being his dad has made me a better man. I am indebted to him for that.

There is something special about my son and this is the purpose of this post. He is a gifted musician. When we purchased Guitar Hero for the Wii in December 2008 we both became hooked and played every chance we got. When we purchased GH Metallica in March 2009 he became infatuated with Heavy Metal and the band itself. After playing the game for only three months something happened at Best Buy. We were walking through the store and he sees the guitars hanging on the wall. He became excited "Dad! Dad! I want to see the guitars NOW!" So I took him there and he grabs an acoustic guitar and says "This is an acoustic guitar dad, it's made of wood and the hole in the middle is so the sound can echo and create the music when I strum the strings" he then points to the wall and says "Those are electric guitars dad, you need to plug them into an ampifiler (I thougth it was cute that he said it this way given he was only 8 at the time) or they sound really soft." I was surprised that he knew so much about guitars! Then he takes the acoustic guitar and plays the beginning riff to "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. Never had a lesson, never played a guitar before! My wife and I were floored! Even the guy at Best Buy said it was impressive. We purchased a cheap acoustic guitar for him to see if he would show and maintain interest. Well he did. He began playing riffs to several Metallica songs and last Christmas his grandfather bought him a Les Paul Orange Burst guitar which he cherishes and plays at least twice a day. This Christmas we bought him a bass and he started it playing it on Friday with the ease of a veteran. He has taught himself by going to youtube and mimicking what he sees and then practicing it over and over until he gets it right. It's really impressive to watch this 9 year old child strumming a guitar and a bass like he's been doing it his whole life.

Here is my dilemma;

We have discussed hiring a teacher for him for some time now. So far he is playing these two instruments with relative ease using his method of mimicking what he sees. It's been working for him, keeps him focused and happy and I am just not sure if introducing a teacher and the discipline of lessons is the best thing. I see his passion for music and do not want to screw it up by making it not fun. Any suggestions? My instinct is telling me to allow him to blossom on his own and maybe later on we can bring someone in to tie it all together but at the same time I want him afforded every resource to help him develop his talent. This is not a passing fancy as it's been almost two years since the "Best Buy" revelation and he's still gung ho about the guitar.

I look forward to your insights and suggestions.

Thanks!

Aspiesdad

As a self taught musician my self I would suggest a casual once a week or maybe every two weeks meeting with a teacher. You can only go so far with youtube videos and it's always nice to have someone to talk to about your interest. Just make sure whatever teacher you get is aware of any special needs.

Welcome to WP!

Thanks for sharing your story, real encouraging to hear your experiences - sounds like a great doctor too!

Cheerfully,
Wallourdes

Welcome aboard greetings to the WP, Aspiesdad.

That's great that you are kind and compassionate to your son, but I don't think you should have to tell him three times that you love him and he's not in trouble, or feel the need to protect him so much, because in the long run, this will just give him a personality disorder because he will either have an inability to cope with things when they don't go his way, or he will perceive himself as higher than everyone else. You will not always be around and he will have to know how to deal with life when you're not.

He was 6 years old and we never went to his school unless it was for a class party or a function of some sort. The situation confused him and made him unsettled. He kept looking into the window freaked out with a bewildered look on his face so I had to get up and walk him away and reassure him it was all good. Personality disorder? Coping? Perceive himself higher than everyone else? Wow. That's a bit apocolyptic don't you think? We're talking about a scared six year old boy not a greedy teenager.

There is something special about my son and this is the purpose of this post. He is a gifted musician. When we purchased Guitar Hero for the Wii in December 2008 we both became hooked and played every chance we got. When we purchased GH Metallica in March 2009 he became infatuated with Heavy Metal and the band itself. After playing the game for only three months something happened at Best Buy. We were walking through the store and he sees the guitars hanging on the wall. He became excited "Dad! Dad! I want to see the guitars NOW!" So I took him there and he grabs an acoustic guitar and says "This is an acoustic guitar dad, it's made of wood and the hole in the middle is so the sound can echo and create the music when I strum the strings" he then points to the wall and says "Those are electric guitars dad, you need to plug them into an ampifiler (I thougth it was cute that he said it this way given he was only 8 at the time) or they sound really soft." I was surprised that he knew so much about guitars!

That's not really all that much, to be honest, but ok.

Not that much to you maybe but to me it was pretty cool. Didn't mean to bore you, sorry.

We have discussed hiring a teacher for him for some time now. So far he is playing these two instruments with relative ease using his method of mimicking what he sees. It's been working for him, keeps him focused and happy and I am just not sure if introducing a teacher and the discipline of lessons is the best thing. I see his passion for music and do not want to screw it up by making it not fun. Any suggestions? My instinct is telling me to allow him to blossom on his own and maybe later on we can bring someone in to tie it all together but at the same time I want him afforded every resource to help him develop his talent. This is not a passing fancy as it's been almost two years since the "Best Buy" revelation and he's still gung ho about the guitar.

I look forward to your insights and suggestions.

Thanks!
[/quote]

I think you should ask him if he wants lessons.[/quote]

I have and his responses vary. I am learning every day to communicate with him and sometimes it's very cryptic because he will give a simple answer like "no, not right now" or say "yeah dad that sounds cool" but then will retract later and say "I don't want to talk about this right now okay?" I am hoping someone with AS can maybe give me some insight. The last thing I am going to do is force something on him and regret it later.

Well, I'm an aspie so...

I think it's best if you leave the decision up to him. He probably needs time to think about it before he can commit himself to something like weekly lessons. So I would probably explain to him what it would mean (say, weekly or every other week) and tell him that he can think about it. When he has an answer he can tell you. And if he doesn't want lessons at this moment, that's okay. Just tell him that he can always change his mind if he wants them later. That 'later' can be the next day. Check that he really wants this by asking him again two days (or so) later if he still wants lessons so you know that it's not a spur of the moment thing.

Be sure to let him be in control about this. Don't force anything if he really doesn't want to. If it doesn't 'click' between him and his teacher for example, don't continue because 'he wanted it himself'. You can always find another teacher. Like someone else already stated, be sure that the teacher is aware of his AS and the implications for your son. In short, the do's and don'ts when communicating with him. That will make things much easier for your son, especially in a teaching setting.

I'm an aspie musician. I play the piano, guitar, banjo, ukulele, synthesizer, and the voice. I never really took lessons besides courses in music theory. Right now I'm working on getting my Bachelors in music composition.

The thing about lessons in music all depend on the teacher. I would be selective of who to teach your son. When I first began playing guitar, a few people tried to teach me but for some reason it wouldn't stick and I had a bit of a meltdown (I'm not saying that will happen to your son by any means.). Music was something I had to come to terms with myself.

I think the fact that your son is taking to music in such an organic way is tremendous. Music has an amazing ability to give people a feeling of purpose. And its great to have that for someone with aspergers.

I'm not saying he should never have lessons, because music lessons can give people like us something to diligently work on. I think I would inform any instructor concerning the nature of his condition, but at the same time make sure they don't condescend to him.

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hello and welcome to Wrong Planet. I am always looking for new friends, so feel free to send me an instant message on one of the services listed in my profile.

Enjoy your time spent at WrongPlanet.net!

Have you heard of Tim Page?

Tim Page is an author and Pulitzer Prize-winning music critic. I urge you to try a search
about him if nothing more to see that your son has talent that needs to be carefully
nurturued. (you know this already I can tell by your beautiful post)

Search for a music teacher who understands AS. Someone who is doing this for
the joy of music. Be upfront with the teacher. Let them know you want to take this
slow. Even if this means you pay extra for the gentle approach. By putting your son
in this new experience he is going to learn how to deal with others, a way to express
himself and with the support of you there. You might even sit with him during these
lesson. Make it a father son class. One thing I have learned is that my son is far more\
successful in situations outside the school. The school has this "tag" and anyone
who comes in contact believes this tag. Strangers do far better, and I tell the truth
about my son. There is nothing they would be surprised by. Often they are shocked the
school has not been more supportive. I would bet that a GOOD music teacher will
understand that some students are unique and those with musical talent have quiky
spirits that make them even more musically gifted.

Just an idea and keep up the good work. Your son is beyond lucky to have such
a dad.

~mm

Ps. I am new too and am amazed at all the kind people on this site. I wish I had
found this sooner. My son is a teenager.

It sounds to me like you're doing a great job. I'd introduce the idea of lessons and see if he's interested. I'm a self-taught and talented aspie, and have never been able to cope with the scrutiny of lessons or formal training. Too perfectionistic.

Welcome to WP!