I put up with unreal levels of hostility

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I have to put up with, well, much more than anyone else, and be grateful for token affection. I do a lot to get people to not dislike me.
Just because I don't have the instant crappy social facade, i can't be arsed, people just don't warm to me. I know people don't get medals for doing the whole socialising thing right but it feels like that would be nice.. instead i just get more resentment every time I screw up. People take advantage, play mind games.

I just thought I might find like minded individuals here, who put up with insane levels of hostility, like coughing in public? 95% of people have a problem with me and cough as if they're trying to say something. Hence 'insane' levels of hostility. I'm very attractive, smart, young and female. But I don't gel with the average person.

I hate the thought of suicide but that's a definite option... cos I look at realistic outcomes of a life where so many people are hostile, I won't be able to get a permanent job after uni, i'll be living alone cos I can't stand living with people. Relationships don't appeal to me - so whereas most clueless or friendless girls just get with guys and their life is solved... i don't have that option.

Life is s**t!! Anyone else here think so??

Can you elaborate more? I'm not sure what you mean by coughing translating to hostility.

I'd love a little more elaboration, and if you want to talk I really know how you feel (feel free to PM me). I have issues with people doing the exact same thing and tbh I've just gotten to the point where I don't try a ton. If someone's going to be rude/mean to me then I'm not going to push for their affection. I have made friends, but it's not a lot and I have extreme trouble maintaining relationships past a short period of time. I don't have a great relationship with my family beyond my Mother and younger brother.

As well I completely understand your problem with not wanting a relationship that involves living with the person. The only relationship I could see myself in in the future would be with a person who traveled a LOT - and even then I'd be frustrated having to share my living space. Realistically I'll end up alone, though I'm coming to terms with that.

Please feel free to elaborate more, I'm a bit confused on the coughing. I hope you can find some help/friendship on this site - I know I have!

Now thinking about this some more I probably was wrong to respond like that. I hope everything gets better for you.

The number 1 piece of advice I can offer here (besides the obvious one RE suicide being the wrong answer) is to FIND YOUR PEOPLE!! !

This is a great start. I can relate to most all you have to say.

More importantly find your people IRL. Google is your friend. Find local Asperger support groups, join the book club, look for people who are obssessed about things you are as well. If I hung out with shallow people all the time, I'd be a mess too.

"most clueless or friendless girls just get with guys and their life is solved"

No. 'Getting with' someone else does not make problems go away, even for NT's. It has its benefits and its pitfalls. I found it simpler to be on my own at your age.

You are not alone here. Most of us, I think, have dealt with or are dealing with hostility and misunderstanding with NTs.

Life is what you make it. At 26, I would have agreed with you completely. At 41 my life is totally different. Your perception is your reality. If your reality sucks, change your mind.

I have found that my Aspie traits give me great ability to endure and to change my mind. I have also found that realistic goals sidetrack my thoughts of suicide. Accomplishing those goals give me the will to pursue another goal. Failure pisses me off and makes me fight harder, if for no other reason than to give a big social finger to the NT world and their establishment.

Your best revenge is to succeed.

Thanks for the advice and really kind words... geesh that's something i'm not used to lately. I was looking for a place to vent where people vaguely knew what plane and level of frustration i was coming from.

CranialRectosis, that was why I was venting I guess. I'm sick of being good at coping... a master at changing my perception to cope with all the s**t, only to realise that no one else has to bother.. and that I *still* get aggro. sorry to hear you're considering suicide too. I don't hate myself, love a lot of things. Just growing tired of people.

Re, the coughing. It's almost as though the world has a problem with me, cos it happens with everyone, family members, homeless people, kids. Like a pointed gesture of sniffing, coughing, wanting to be aggressive like the human equivalent of a bark, but being non-verbal. Honestly, this is the main cause for concern and the major reason for forcing myself to be isolated and the suicidal thoughts.

Kitchy I am brand new here too. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but is there stuff going on in your life at the moment that makes it extra hard to cope? Christmas would be a good example. Mine was okay because we were completely alone, yay.

I'm saying this because lately I've thinking some people, for example, leave their marriages when "all" they really needed was a week away by themselves follwed by more alone time in general, but they panic and overdo it. I think they believe that if they insist on what they absolutley *need*, the other person will abandon them.

Have you heard the saying "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"? It's kindly meant, and comes from someone who has been where you sound you are, many times - me.

Just one more thing - the people you see every day - young students - aren't exactly known for being accepting and rewarding at their stage of life. Could you hang with a kinder crowd, at least some of the time?

"Life is pain anyone who says differently is selling something"

Either way, I'm the hostile one. If I wasn't being hostile someone else would be.

I recommend therapy and medication. It works for me well enough.

Also, if people are being hostile to you, why are you spending time with them? Don't waste your time or energy on as*holes. Find the people that are willing to accept you and spend time with them. Find a career that allows you to work out of your home and be a shut in if you feel like it. Above all, don't be a doormat. Stop doing things to make people like you. It won't work. Be yourself, and demand that people either show you respect, or tell them off and have nothing to do with them. You may be surprised at the results. People WILL respect you if they understand that when they want anything from you, they have to show respect.

Here's the key. THERE ARE NO RULES. You can do whatever you want with your life. If you want to live on the street and spend your life pondering the nature of the world, you can. Diogenes did. Whose expectations are you trying to live up to? If it's the same people that are hostile to you, why do you care? f**k them. If it's your family or people that are supposed to care about you, do they know how you really feel? If they did, they might change their expectations, or you might find that their expectations have more to do with their own shortcomings than yours. Either way, the only expectations you need to meet are your own. The only definitions of success and failure are the ones you choose to accept.

Most NT people aren't happy with their relationships. They hate their jobs, too, and their relationships become as much a burden as our lack of relationships, and for the same reason. They do things because they think they're supposed to, because it's expected of them, whether they want to or not. Then they're unhappy, and don't know why, because all the things they've been told would bring happiness didn't. I believe that the only true happiness comes from living a life that is true to who you are. Find out who you are, who you were born to be, and don't apologize if that doesn't meet the world's expectations. Your life is all you ever really have to call your own, and only you can decide its value.

That's my take. It's taken a lot of thought, a lot of struggle, and a lot of therapy for me to get to that point. I know the things I like, and that I don't like. I know what I want, and what I don't. I won't accept being told what's acceptable and what isn't. I'll live as best I can and people can either take it or leave it. I won't be miserable to satisfy people that don't care about me, or even those that do, because if they really care about me, they won't want me to be miserable. People that don't want to accept me and prefer to call me lazy, weird, immature, w/e, well f**k them, I don't care anymore.

I can definitely relate to how you feel. I'm 26, but I had NO IDEA what I may "have" until a couple weeks ago. It seems that some people with AS are more "indifferent" to certain things then others. While others may consider something annoying you may consider it a nonissue. That may be what is causing your feelings that others are getting overly frustrated with certain things. I feel the same way alot.

I CANNOT get a girlfriend. Even if a girl seems to like me, and I like her, I can never seem to build a relationship because I cannot connect with her.

As far as the suicide thing goes I think you need to take a step back. I may be more optimistic then some people with AS, but I try to see the world the way it is... which is the way it is.

Will I have a steady job after university? As long as I go into a field I feel I am truly interested in I have no doubt I can keep a steady career.

Will I live alone because I can't stand living with other people? More then likely. It may not be the social norm, but living alone is no disorder.

Now for my hardest part... the relationship. Even though I seem to be kind of asexual I like women alot. Not only that, but I would LOVE to have children someday. The problem is that I can never see myself getting married, and living with the same person for a long period of time.

I guess the point of my TLDR post is not to get too down because you don't fit in with the social norm. I like to recommend to people that they watch the South Park episode called "You Have 0 Friends". You can have friends, or you can have "friends".

To be honest, the coughing part sounds like OCD. You're obsessed with people reacting negatively to you, so you see the lion in every corner, so to speak. (Don't worry, I do it too, and I've noticed that 9 times out of 10, the person is not paying any attention to me.)

As far as being judged on your social skills...I can sympathize. I've been told that I'm 'scary' or 'creepy', simply because I'm quiet and shy and a bit of a loner. And also, whenever I try to socialize, I always screw it up. I don't recognize the cues that everyone else does, and people look at me weird.

However, I tend to fall into friendships with fellow loners. And you know the cool part about that? You're no longer alone. I suspect that my best friend right now is somewhere on the autistic spectrum, although he's very high functioning...and he has a girlfriend and friends. And by knowing him, I get involved in his social circle.

Try making friends with someone who's on your wavelength. Surely there's someone else out there who's feeling judged. Make them feel welcome, and in turn, they will make YOU feel welcome, as well.

My wife hasn't a hostile bone in her body.

She smokes and has for 30 years.

She coughs.

It is an infuriating, peircingly sharp pain in my ear at close range.

She is my wife. I often like close range.

I have made a conscious mental note for her that allows me to use a different mental routine with her and with her alone. I realize that she is not hostile and that no action she takes may be received as hostile.

She is an experiment in trust unlike any other I have ever attempted. This is because she is completely unlike any other person I have ever encountered. She hasn't a hostile bone in her body.

By learning to accept her coughing as part of her and non-hostile, I am able to use that routine to de-rail the hostility I feel when other people cough close to me. It is a work in progress.

As far as life being harder for us than for NTs, deal with it. I promise you, it is worth it as you get older if you do right by yourself and others. It never gets easier, but the victories are sweeter and seem to come more often.

Nothing in life is worth a crap if you don't fight for it. We are not NT. We are not meant to lead mediocre lives. We cannot be satisfied by simply having life handed to us on a platter. We are compelled to fight for every gain and appreciate the most minor of nuance. While NTs gobble at the plate, for better or worse, we savor each and every taste.

The harder the fight, the sweeter the reward. If you are like me, you have plenty of fight in you. Our real trouble is in knowing what to fight for and knowing when to retreat. Below is my recommendation on the former. Only you can decide the latter.

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile" -Einstein